Wednesday, August 7, 2013

7 Reasons Getting A Kitten Is Awesome And Also Terrible

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Well, it's finally happened. I've adopted a kitten of my own. Her name is Pepper and it's all I can do to not bake her in a quiche and eat her, she's just so cute. Even when she's sinking her teeth into my arm flesh, which is approximately 100% of the time.

Here are seven reasons adopting a kitten is awesome. Mostly.

1. Inviting a kitten into your home is a great way to relinquish control in your life.

It takes roughly 12 seconds for a new kitten to lay claim to your home and all your possessions. For the next 12-18 years, there will be a tiny creature in your home who believes it is the boss of you (which, over the years, you will begin to agree with).

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I can't eat a sandwich anymore without allocating a portion of my turkey to the cat. I can't sleep comfortably anymore, because she requires the exact center of the bed, meaning I have anywhere between 1-3 limbs dangling off the edge of the bed. Sometimes while she sleeps, in order to make myself feel better, I whisper to her, "I saved your life, I can take it away."

2. Kittens teach you to be flexible in life. 

This is mostly because kittens are so physically flexible themselves. It's a well known fact that kitten bones are made of chlorosulphonated polyethylene, and they will essentially take the shape of whatever container suits them.

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It's impossible to not draw parallels to your own life after watching a kitten melt and take the shape of a gravy boat or that sawed-off human skull you bought for six dollars from an Aghori guru while on vacation in Nepal. You look at the kitten and think, "I should learn to compromise more. Maybe I shouldn't have shoved Karen off a cliff in the Adirondacks because she wanted to go hiking and I wanted to smoke weed in the tent and eat Sun Chips. And I definitely shouldn't have hacked her corpse up and buried it in a shallow grave. Hmm. You live, you learn, I guess."

3. Owning a kitten is a great way to channel your maternal instincts into something without actually having to commit to birthing a human and raising it for 18 years.

If I'm honest with myself, this is probably the main reason I got a kitten. I need to channel my love into something that doesn't actually require a lot of upkeep, unlike a spouse or a '61 Thunderbird. And kids? Please. I can't imagine being a parent.

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4. Kittens will help you get over your body issues. 

At some point your kitten will see you naked, and it straight up won't care. You could parade around your living room wearing a woman suit while blasting "Goodbye Horses" and your kitten won't so much as bat an eyelash. Side note: do kittens even have eyelashes? I'm suddenly freaking out that I don't know the answer to this.

My kitten has taken to watching me shower. It was awkward at first.

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She wouldn't stop, so in retaliation I started singing 98 Degrees songs at her while she pooped. We agreed to respect each other's privacy in the future.

5. Kittens cure loneliness. 

Having a kitten around is a great excuse to talk to yourself without feeling like a loser. I mean, you'll still feel like a loser, just less of one.

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It's sort of like going on a date with someone in a medically induced coma. Maybe your words aren't really sinking in, but it doesn't matter. You get to talk uninterrupted, and when it comes right down to it, isn't that what matters? It reminds me of the time in fourth grade when I had to give a speech and I chose to talk about Sailor Moon and I went over the allotted 10 minutes but I didn't want to stop talking because I had barely started explaining Sailor Saturn's seizures, and I really wanted to tell everyone about how she gets possessed by Mistress 9, but Mrs. Hawk said I needed to wrap it up, and I was so mad that I didn't even get to touch on the Dead Moon Circus, and...

6. Cats will love you feel indifferent toward you unconditionally, no matter what.

It's nice to know that I can gain 200 pounds and grow a long, greasy wizard beard, and my cat will never leave me (mostly because she can't figure out doorknobs, but let's not split hairs).

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7. Kittens teach patience. 

Any cat owner knows you have to be on the ready with your camera phone at all times, because when a cat does something cute you have to be quick, lest you miss out on literally tens of Instagram likes.

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I actually filled up my phone with cat photos and videos. Like, to capacity. I got an error message that said something along the lines of, "Really, dude? Enough with the cat pix. There's no more space. Go for a walk. Look at your life choices. Maybe catch a matinee. I hear Fruitvale Station is great." Or something like that. I forget. 

Follow me on Instagram to be inundated with kitten photos.