Wednesday, August 7, 2013

7 Reasons Getting A Kitten Is Awesome And Also Terrible


Well, it's finally happened. I've adopted a kitten of my own. Her name is Pepper and it's all I can do to not bake her in a quiche and eat her, she's just so cute. Even when she's sinking her teeth into my arm flesh, which is approximately 100% of the time.

Here are seven reasons adopting a kitten is awesome. Mostly.

1. Inviting a kitten into your home is a great way to relinquish control in your life.

It takes roughly 12 seconds for a new kitten to lay claim to your home and all your possessions. For the next 12-18 years, there will be a tiny creature in your home who believes it is the boss of you (which, over the years, you will begin to agree with).


I can't eat a sandwich anymore without allocating a portion of my turkey to the cat. I can't sleep comfortably anymore, because she requires the exact center of the bed, meaning I have anywhere between 1-3 limbs dangling off the edge of the bed. Sometimes while she sleeps, in order to make myself feel better, I whisper to her, "I saved your life, I can take it away."

2. Kittens teach you to be flexible in life. 

This is mostly because kittens are so physically flexible themselves. It's a well known fact that kitten bones are made of chlorosulphonated polyethylene, and they will essentially take the shape of whatever container suits them.


It's impossible to not draw parallels to your own life after watching a kitten melt and take the shape of a gravy boat or that sawed-off human skull you bought for six dollars from an Aghori guru while on vacation in Nepal. You look at the kitten and think, "I should learn to compromise more. Maybe I shouldn't have shoved Karen off a cliff in the Adirondacks because she wanted to go hiking and I wanted to smoke weed in the tent and eat Sun Chips. And I definitely shouldn't have hacked her corpse up and buried it in a shallow grave. Hmm. You live, you learn, I guess."

3. Owning a kitten is a great way to channel your maternal instincts into something without actually having to commit to birthing a human and raising it for 18 years.

If I'm honest with myself, this is probably the main reason I got a kitten. I need to channel my love into something that doesn't actually require a lot of upkeep, unlike a spouse or a '61 Thunderbird. And kids? Please. I can't imagine being a parent.


4. Kittens will help you get over your body issues. 

At some point your kitten will see you naked, and it straight up won't care. You could parade around your living room wearing a woman suit while blasting "Goodbye Horses" and your kitten won't so much as bat an eyelash. Side note: do kittens even have eyelashes? I'm suddenly freaking out that I don't know the answer to this.

My kitten has taken to watching me shower. It was awkward at first.


She wouldn't stop, so in retaliation I started singing 98 Degrees songs at her while she pooped. We agreed to respect each other's privacy in the future.

5. Kittens cure loneliness. 

Having a kitten around is a great excuse to talk to yourself without feeling like a loser. I mean, you'll still feel like a loser, just less of one.


It's sort of like going on a date with someone in a medically induced coma. Maybe your words aren't really sinking in, but it doesn't matter. You get to talk uninterrupted, and when it comes right down to it, isn't that what matters? It reminds me of the time in fourth grade when I had to give a speech and I chose to talk about Sailor Moon and I went over the allotted 10 minutes but I didn't want to stop talking because I had barely started explaining Sailor Saturn's seizures, and I really wanted to tell everyone about how she gets possessed by Mistress 9, but Mrs. Hawk said I needed to wrap it up, and I was so mad that I didn't even get to touch on the Dead Moon Circus, and...

6. Cats will love you feel indifferent toward you unconditionally, no matter what.

It's nice to know that I can gain 200 pounds and grow a long, greasy wizard beard, and my cat will never leave me (mostly because she can't figure out doorknobs, but let's not split hairs).


7. Kittens teach patience. 

Any cat owner knows you have to be on the ready with your camera phone at all times, because when a cat does something cute you have to be quick, lest you miss out on literally tens of Instagram likes.


I actually filled up my phone with cat photos and videos. Like, to capacity. I got an error message that said something along the lines of, "Really, dude? Enough with the cat pix. There's no more space. Go for a walk. Look at your life choices. Maybe catch a matinee. I hear Fruitvale Station is great." Or something like that. I forget. 

Follow me on Instagram to be inundated with kitten photos.


  1. Yes, but - you post such GOOD kitten photos. Doesn't your phone understand!?

  2. And part two of this will be about tripod kittens. They're a special brand of crazy.

  3. I was recently cat-sitting for a friend. (Don't worry, it didn't actually involve sitting on the cat.)She wasn't even my kitten and my iPhone is full of pics of her posing in cute positions or getting into ridiculous situations. My instagram was flooded with cat pics for about three weeks. I'm pretty sure my friends hate me now.

  4. After picking up a crazy cat person starter kit two years ago, I can't imagine not having my 2 assholes. This is one of my favorites for sure.

  5. I did the same damn thing when I adopted a stray cat who turned out to be pregnant. Then my Facebook turned into All Kittens All the Time till I think everyone I knew was kittened out with some sort of cuteness-burnout-overload.

    But hey, that's what Facebook is for right?

  6. Makes me want to get a kitten, or a puppy. Too bad I live in Vietnam :(. Check out my new post As Told By Ty

  7. I was about to comment on the truth of this and blah blah blah, but my kitten is getting into my sword collection (they're sheathed it's all good!) so alas... I must go be a good cat parent and yell at her but then she'll give me those big sad eyes and I'll bust out the treats because I'm so evil for yelling at my cute little fuzz ball...

  8. #3 all the way. Haha. I'm pretty sure I blow more money on my cats entertainment than I do my own. The kicker is when you get home and they're all 'Meh. I FOUND A BENDY STRAW WHILE YOU WERE GONE THOUGH. PLAY WITH ME.'

  9. I love you even more because of your love of Sailor Moon.

  10. It made me so happy to hear you talk about Sailor Moon. To this day I still love it with all my heart. Perhaps a Sailor Moon themed post would be the most amazing thing in the world.

  11. Earlier today I ordered a cat condo for our (my husband and I) two cats so they can sit up high and have a better view of our backyard through our glass back door. Also, a stray cat is currently sitting on our porch because I keep feeding him Fancy Feast. Collecting cats is a hobby.

  12. I can relate to #3 but with a dog. I adopted a dachshund puppy who was going to be put down, and she's been my little baby girl. But I made the mistake of mentioning that she's my baby to a mother of a child, and she snaps at me like "DID YOU JUST COMPARE MY BABY TO A DOG?!"...when I'm trying to compare my dog to a baby. Yeah that's a big no no, never do it or else you get a death glare.

  13. I took in a stray kitten recently and now his favorite pass time is playing around my iMac every night at midnight, because YAY! Oh. He's now sleeping. Gonna go wake him up now. Little bugger.

  14. Cats do, in fact, have eyelashes!

    Also, tickling the toes of your kitten will not only make you feel better when she sinks her teeth into your arm for no reason, it's also super adorable. Better make some room on your phone to videotape that.

  15. 1.) yes, cats have eyelashes. look real close.

    2.) is there such a thing as catnip bubbles, because THERE REALLY SHOULD BE!

    1. Yes there are such things as catnip bubbles

  16. I look forward to moving to the new place I am renting soon as they allow cats and I have been missing having a cat for the last 4 years. Oh and I wondered if you were planning on doing a blog about the adventures of the dead subway shark they found this week?

  17. You don't even have to adopt a cat to be claimed by one... there is a cat who hangs around my husband's family's houses in a neighboring town. I've named him 'pest', because you CANNOT sit down without him rubbing his face ALL OVER YOU.

  18. The doors at my old place had these handles:

    Both my cats figured out pretty much immediately if they hung their weight and wiggled the door would open. :\
    Which was also amusing when I moved to a place with standard round knobs and they would just hang from them wondering why the door wasn't moving.

    So now they have resorted to doing this to get back at me:

  19. Awesome. We just adopted a kitten last weekend (named her Haiku) and pretty much yes to all these things. We already had two older cats and I forgot just how INSANE kittens are. I hope she settles down ... in 5 - 6 years or so...

  20. Your kitten will also:

    Demonstrate her intense love by waking you at 3am because she's lonely.

    Try to drink from your glass - with the tongue she just used to wash her butt.

    Wind around your ankles while you walk, tripping you up, and causing you to step on her paw, and she will then cry piteously and limp for the next day. (Mine conned me out of half a bag of treats and much guilt-induced cuddling before I realised that she was holding up the wrong paw).

    Develop an intense love of a random and inappropriate human food, which you will have to eat standing from now on. My cat selected mango and papaya. My sister's cat has an unusual fondness for marmite.

    Annex your shoes. All of them. And the shoes of any visitor.

  21. Oh god. Saggy man boobs. In my head I'm picturing the kitten swatting at them...oh dear.

  22. I love how you captured her secret stripes, that's adorable. And her waving for the spoils of human ownership keeps making me giggle maniacally.

  23. aspergers and parenting
    Caregiver Space. The work we do at The Caregiver Space stems from our commitment to ensuring caregivers feel seen, heard and most of all supported.

  24. It's 2:37 in the morning, and I thought that I just read "Maybe catch a manatee." Time to head to bed.

  25. "Maybe I shouldn't have shoved Karen off a cliff in the Adirondacks because she wanted to go hiking and I wanted to smoke weed in the tent and eat Sun Chips."
    Who wouldn't have done that? :b

  26. Well, I don't know about the body issues. When my kitten sneaked into the bathroom for the first time and saw me emerging from the shower, she had a panic attack and backed out of the room, never to enter the bathroom again while someone was showering. Seriously, she stared at me wide eyed for a sec and then crawled out backwards with "panic" written all over her face and body, tail plushed up and all, probably thinking, "It's HAIRLEEEEEEEESSSSSS... and I dodn't KNOOOOOWWWWW..." going instantly insane like some Lovecraft POV character at the sight of me.

  27. The last pic is obviously fake because Adam will NEVER have yellow teeth..

  28. Adam! I just got a kitten who is all black, we named her Guinness. This post had me believing you were spying on my daily life with this kitten. haha. I think my phone has that same problem...

  29. Just got a kitten last week. His name his Zero. All these things are so true!

  30. that cat dance at #3... "Woot! Woot! Woot!"

  31. Truth. We have five cats, 4 humans, a cat motel, cat condo, plenty of cat toys...and the little black fuzzy one aka Bear likes twisty ties. Yup, bread bag ties. We vacuum constantly. Still don't know where she hides them or how she ends up with them.
    Bear and her sister were our kittens while the other three were obtained a bit older.
    I love Sailor Moon, and I'm happy to not be the only crazy cat person out there.

  32. Are you sure it's a cat you got and not a Fennec Fox? Because judging by the size of the ears......

    Just sayin!

  33. I read matinee as manatee and I've got to say, I think you should change your plans.

  34. Kitten mug needs to be a shirt right meow. Kthxmeow

  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

  36. If you shoved Karen off a cliff and then chopped her up to dispose of the body...why would you need to buy a sawed-off human skull in Nepal?

    Sounds wasteful to me.

  37. Our apartment charges us $100 a month for our 2 cats, but it is so more than worth it. I have been told I was cut off from buying kitty toys, but so far it hasn't worked. Just recently got them a 3 tiered cat tree and a bunch more toys. And of course, another box. Shouldn't I just live in a box instead? The cats would be ecstatic, and I'd have more money to spend on fancy cat food and toys that my black one, Baby, will baste for hours on end.

    I also love Sailor Moon and am psyched that they will be coming out with a reboot Sailor Moon Anime soon (it being the anniversary and all).

  38. The post contains really precious information that will convince readers and can clarify things upon. It's so logically written San Antonio Homes For Sale

  39. I got a dog and my spiral to destruction is now so bad I'm a professional dog trainer. I'm the person with her dog as the profile pic on facebook. I can expound for HOURS on behavior and natural history of dogs.


    you're not too bad yet.

  40. I noticed there are some non-kitty pictures on your instagram feed. Please correct this.

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  42. I once hurled a kitten across a room and into a wall because it pounced on my face while I was asleep. I felt terribly guilty upon waking up enough to realize what I'd done, but the primal part of me was very glad I wasn't awake enough to stop it. The little bugger never pounced on me again (in my sleep anyway -_- ).
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  43. Frickin' hilarious! Love it! Yup. Number 7 is pretty much on the money.

  44. "I saved your life, I can take it away."
    I died. But revived so I could read the rest of the post. Loved it almost as much as I love cats.

  45. But what happened to Lola and Emmy?

  46. This comment has been removed by the author.

  47. This post just made me smile so big throughout the whole thing!!
    Crazy Cat Humans unite!!!

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  54. Awesome. We just adopted a kitten last weekend (named her Haiku) and pretty much yes to all these things. Homes for sale

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