Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Me Want Food

Ladies and gentleman, we are living in the future. Stem cells can essentially be programmed to become any type of cell in the body. HIV is no longer a death sentence. There's even a chick in Georgia with bionic hands.


Medical and technological breakthroughs are happening every day, but none of this compares to the fact that you can now order food on your phone without having to actually talk to anybody.

My phone has essentially become a food ordering device, and I'm not even ashamed a little.


Having food delivered is an exciting experience. It makes me feel elite, like Tywin Lannister or Suri Cruise. It's summer, so my giant standing air conditioner is always on full blast, and because it's noisy I don't always hear the delivery guy knock on the door. To combat this, I'll position myself at the front window so I can see anyone approaching. I'm on the first floor, so I have a perfect view of the sidewalk outside.


Yesterday, while waiting for my spicy tuna rolls to be delivered, I noticed a portly woman approach my building and take a seat on my stoop. This didn't bother me, as I'm used to my front steps being utilized by the public. I live a block away from a 24-hour nightclub called COMPLEX, and on the weekends, there's a steady stream of drunks collapsing on my front steps to call cabs or take quick naps.


I don't mind the drunk folks pausing on my steps at night to smoke cigarettes or give each other Rusty Trombones (or whatever they do, it's dark, gimme a break). They typically don't linger, but it was a different story on this particular afternoon. I stared out the window at the woman, sitting on my steps like an old tater tot. "You better bounce before my food arrives," I muttered to myself. "I ain't sharin' my spicy toons."

She remained there, and about fifteen minutes later the delivery guy arrived on a scooter. I was about to hop up and run around to the front door when I noticed the man say something to the woman on my stoop. I couldn't hear him, but he pointed to the food. I watched as the woman waved her hand at him, seemingly annoyed. The man looked around confused, said something else to the woman, who threw up both her hands and shouted something back. The delivery man furrowed his brow and left. Since I couldn't hear the conversation from behind the glass, I had to estimate.


What it boils down to is that this woman sent my food away because she did not personally order it. I had never felt so utterly betrayed by another human being in my entire life. Flummoxed, I leapt to my feet, wheeled around to the hallway and out my front door to chase down my food. On my way I made sure the stoop goblin knew I was displeased.


The delivery guy had already hopped on his scooter and was buzzing away, so I had to actually run in order to catch up to him. Luckily he hit a red light at the end of the block and I was able to intercept my food. He searched his pocket for a pen, I signed the receipt, took my bag of food, and trudged back toward my apartment.

Approaching my building again, I could see a small crowd had gathered on my front steps. The same woman from before was still there, but she'd been joined by another woman who looked like she might be related, along with a chubby young boy. Either this was the woman's family, or she had somehow started multiplying like a gremlin after midnight. I preferred to imagine the latter, because it allowed me to hate these newcomers and assume they were treacherous villains.

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I assumed this woman and her relatives had chosen my corner to meet up before heading off to someplace else—probably Century 21 or a cave full of orange Fanta and a hundred VHS copies of Encino Man. The woman from earlier had slid down the stoop to make room for the kid, who was seated next to her playing a Nintendo 3DS.  I stood for a few moments, waiting for the lady to notice me hovering over her and make some room so I could march up the steps and get back into my apartment, where I planned to angrily eat my lunch while glaring out the window at this family of stoop stealers, but the woman didn't even glance my way. She just stared off into the distance while I waited impatiently. She seemed to be almost pointedly ignoring me. Finally I became fed up and craned my neck down at her.


"You're blocking the way to my building," I replied coldly. "Please move." The women let out the most laborious sigh, and scooted a mere six inches. I glared at her and wedged past.

I ate my food at my desk in rapid agitation, the rich flavor of tuna barely registering on my tongue. The bitter taste of loathing was too powerful for any savory dish to penetrate.


The Stoop Witch of Astoria and her band of gremlins soon disappeared, and haven't returned since. I feel like I should take some precautions against future problems, though. Does Amazon sell bear traps?

Author's note: Well holy shit, Amazon does sell bear traps.


  1. Why are the Duke bear traps so much cheaper than the Beamshot ones? I feel like you need to do some research first, maybe read some reviews.

    1. The Beamshot ones are actually for large animals like bears. whilst the small ones remain for use against smaller adversary I.E. cats, dogs, foxes, children, and leprechauns.

    2. Most importantly, the aforementioned children. Never want those to start multiplying on one's stoop.

  2. Amazon has cheap ninja gear. Of course they'd have bear traps.

  3. This is how I feel towards every patron I serve. And that warm afterglow of hate and frustration is typically how all my serving nights end with me feeling.

  4. Wow, animal traps are surprisingly cheap.

    I'd just buy some stink bombs from amazon and roll them out the door. Problem solved.

  5. Well. Now I have bear traps in my Amazon history. Who knows what sort of recommendation emails I'm gonna get now.

  6. I fell you could use a sling shot from your window quite effectively. Do it from the roof (or use water balloons) and any future stoop crasher would hardly know who hit them. Put up a "stoop at your own risk" sign and I'm pretty sure the law would be on your side.

    Check out Amazon's 200yard water balloon slingshot... it seems worthy.

  7. I genuinely wonder if there's anything you CANT buy on Amazon. I'm genuinely expecting to one day stumble across a "Weapons Grade Uranium" section.

    1. Although not weapons grade, they do have uranium... I guess if you buy enough of it. Idk how it works.

  8. Getting really annoyed at all people always is a very common symptom of living in NYC. Welcome.

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  10. The multiplying stoop people remind me of Hexxus from Fern Gully. Many awesome points to you.

  11. I've found that burning really smelling incense on the window ledge helps avoid this, and the legalities associated with bear trappings. Seamless + sushi delivery = only reason to live in NYC, fo'realz.

  12. Stoop protection for around $10 can't be beat. Thank you Amazon.

  13. I live in Philly and had that happen CONSTANTLY. There comes a point in everyone's life, when they live in a city, that they flip. Mine was the day an entire family sat on my stair with their shopping, eating Taco Bell. "You can't sit here, this is private property, you have to leave" I said. They stared at me in idiotic silence and shrugged, unmoving. So what did I do? I proceeded to stomp up the stairs, all over their newly purchased items and tacos, making damn sure things were crushed in the process. They were screaming and flailing, but I felt vindicated. Stay off my stairs!!

  14. One of the bazillion reasons I avoid living in high-populated areas. Anybody sending food away is liable to get smacked.

  15. Adam, you may have just identified an important demographic that is lacking in frivolity. You could tailor your delicious bloggery just for them, and call it... wait for it... "Stoop Strips".

    You're welcome.

  16. Reading your blog is like therapy for me. People act like I'm NUTS when I get irritated about things like stoop trolls, but it is not just me. dammit. Would it be too much to ask the rest of the world to just do what I want them to do?! No.

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  18. Please do not use Amazon-purchased bear traps on actual bears. They suck far less than stoop trolls do.

  19. What a hag! I had similar experiences with middleaged ladies at the
    souvenir shop I work at. I don't know what the hell do these women have in their heads that they think they're so superior next to other people. Always looking and acting from above. Oh well, I guess I'm just a stupid little salesgirl who doesn't deserve any respect. Some people...

  20. Four word - California. Seal. Control. Bombs.
    BOOM! Problem solved.

  21. I'm such a wimp, I probably would have found some other way to get around them, like base jumping from the sky, just so I could avoid confrontation. *sigh*

  22. BUY IT! BUY THE BEARTRAP! Write back if she and her severed foot lives on like earthworms after they're chopped in half.

  23. This is the Bear Trap you were referring to, yes?


  24. Just reading through the comments and finding it really awesome that most everyone actually took the time to research bear traps on amazon. I also have shitty stoop-neighbors; finally had to make friends with them and it's helped a bit. {Huge theatrical sigh.} Hope NYC has been good to you otherwise!

  25. Thank you for letting me know bear traps are within my price range. Also, how could you miss this gem? http://www.amazon.com/Bear-Trap/dp/1935048651/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1374618184&sr=8-5&keywords=bear+trap

    And I quote from a review: "I haven't finished reading it but seems like a good book, it holds your interest. I hope to finish it soon." High praise indeed.

  26. Colorz! Stoop kidz. Life'z completez.

  27. It's just like my Grand-pappy always said. "There ain't no problem bear traps and puttin rock salt in yer shot gun can't solve."

    I'm not kidding. Grandpa lived through the depression and he isn't right in the head.

  28. Watch out, you're on your way to become that angry old man that gets out of his house with his shotgun like in every stereotypical American movies.

  29. Best line ever. ....The bitter taste of loathing was too powerful for any savory dish to penetrate.

  30. If you buy this bear trap and leave it on the porch I guarantee she'll never sit there again. I doubt anyone will, actually.


  31. This is why water balloons were invented.

  32. Maybe get blow darts? That seems like it would be both fun and effective.

  33. I live in a city as well, in a 3rd floor apartment in a pretty busy neighborhood. People sit on my stoop ALL THE TIME. One day, when I came home from work and pulled up in front of my building, a woman was sitting right in the middle of my steps...reading my newspaper, and ripping out coupons, and drinking muscle milk. I don't even read my paper, I get suckered into buying subscriptions at the grocery store for gift cards. But it was mine, DAMMIT! I just stared at her for a moment...she ignored me, then I asked her to give me back my paper and move and she sighed and folded everything up. The audacity of some people!

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  35. I'd probably do something with fecal matter. Like when I had a shitty flatmate, and I was moving out, was tempted to leave a shitty time bomb under her dressing table or in her wardrobe, but in the end I never bothered. But still. Fecal matter.

  36. Get an air horn. The sudden noise should scare away stoppers, animals, small children, and Mormons.

  37. I think there's a marketing oportunity here: Rebrand bear traps as 'Stoop Guards' "keep away those stoop-sitters, door-to-door charity collectors and jehovah's witnesses. The new, cleaner, greener, reusable alternative to landmines."

    I wonder if I can put some on my front path.

    As a less-violent stop-gap, I think you should put up a sign, 'Persons obstructing this stoop between the hours of 7am and 8pm may be subject to water-balloon bombardment. Sit at your own risk.' You could keep a bucket of pre-filled amunition beside the window for conveniance, and bomb the offenders as soon as you get up to your flat.

  38. Ohhhh, bear traps--I never thought of that for my stoop sitting issue! Except my stoop is to MY HOUSE and not an apt building--but random people--namely the homeless, the meth addicted, and smokers like to sit there ALL DAY LONG and make my life hell. Thanks for the idea!

  39. This one legitimately frustrated me because this kind of stuff has happened to me at my apartment complex, and NOBODY gets between me and my sushi.

  40. Animal traps are not funny.

  41. Pigeon spikes would work well. http://www.nixalite.com/birdspikes.aspx

    They sell a pigeon buster sweatshirt, but they are really lacking in the "yo, fat woman, get off my stoop and let me have my food" apparel.

  42. Hanger pains. When I'm hungry I can be a foul bitch. I see you suffer the same hanger. Especially when people are keeping you from the sustenance that will save you from perpetuating a heinous crime in the name of an empty stomach.

  43. Sometimes I miss the random stoop dwellers from when I lived in Philly.

    Except at night, because the people who stumbled onto our stoop tended to be the sketchiest people EVER and it was not safe to open the door. That really sucked when we ran out of cigarettes at midnight.

  44. This comment has been removed by the author.

  45. Hilarious, I loved the stoop trolls reactions. Keep up the good work, Adam. Check out my new blog as a 20 something, expat living in Vietnam: www.astoldbyty.com

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  48. Did you know that it's illegal to use animal traps instead of an alarm as a theft deterant in a car? I wasn't aware of it either, 'til "Officer Friendly" enlightened me. :(

  49. Did you know that it's illegal to use animal traps instead of an alarm as a theft deterant in a car? I wasn't aware of it either, 'til "Officer Friendly" enlightened me. :(

  50. Did you know that it's illegal to use animal traps instead of an alarm as a theft deterant in a car? I wasn't aware of it either, 'til "Officer Friendly" enlightened me. :(

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