Tuesday, March 12, 2013

If These Walls Could Talk

I called Kristin and asked if she wanted to hang out with me while I painted my new apartment.

"What color are you painting it?" she asked me.

"A combination of brown and a sort of chartreuse-y green" I said.

grossphone

My apartment is in Queens, two stops from Manhattan via the R train. Kristin lives in Brooklyn's South Slope, which is a good hour away from where I live, so I was surprised she wanted to come help me paint, especially since I hadn't offered her any treats, like a butterscotch candy from the bottom of my purse or a jar of old washers to shake at passing cars. I figured she just liked the smell of paint fumes, like any red blooded American girl.

It had taken me a couple months to find a suitable apartment in New York. Naively, I imagined it would be as easy as it had been in Portland, where renting requirements are lax and brokers are unheard of. I lived in three different apartments in Oregon, and with each one the rental process was similar: I walked in off the street, took a look around, hastily scrawled my information on an application form, and was approved within half an hour.

takeittogo

Part of the reason it took me so long to find housing in the city is because my expectations were too high. I knew I could never afford Manhattan, but I was ok with that. I figured Brooklyn was my best bet, though my understanding of the city's boroughs was decidedly lacking. I knew Manhattan well enough because I took class trips there in college, and I vaguely knew of Queens as the place Ugly Betty lived. Other than that New York City was laid out like this:

CITYMAP

After seeing about a dozen or so apartments in Brooklyn and feeling underwhelmed with what my limited budget would afford me, I decided to open up my search to Queens, a borough I had almost zero information about. I think it's where 50 Cent got shot 9 times. Besides that I was clueless, but I decided it wouldn't hurt matters to look around.

montage

I found a place in Astoria that I liked, and the landlord said I could paint the walls, so once I was moved in I invited Kristin over to keep me company while I painted. I told her she didn't have to help if she didn't want to, but she insisted on doing so. She seemed excited about it, even. "My dad is, like, a professional carpenter, so I know my shit," she later bragged in a text. "Oh, and I may or may not paint some dicks on the walls. You've been warned."

"Eh, maybe one dick," I responded. "One small dick, but you need to paint over it."

"DICKS!!!" She texted back, and that was the last I heard from her.

When she arrived that evening I was already busy painting my walls something called Japanese Fern. Kristin wasted no time in desecrating my apartment.

fartwall

P5UC

I don't know what I expected. I understood years ago when I friended Kristin that it would ultimately lead to destruction.

P5GO

Kristin painted a few more dicks on the wall, then laid her face down on the carpet, loaded up Spotify on her phone, and moaned along to Taylor Swift for half an hour.

carpetsing

I let her serenade the floor for a bit and continued to paint. Her iPod cycled through Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber, Mumford and Sons, back to Justin Bieber, then Taylor Swift again. After some time laying motionless on the floor like a vegetable, she spoke. Sort of.

"Mmmgry. Fwan terferd." She mumbled into the carpet.

"What?" I said

"MMMGRAY. FWAN TERFERD." She repeated, but louder.

"I can't understand you." I replied dismissively.

Kristin lifted her head from the floor. The carpet had made a million tiny indentations on her face, giving the distinct appearance of a burn victim who's halfway through an extensive round of skin grafts.

graftface"

I hadn't realized it before but I was ravenous. I put down my brush and grabbed my orange parka from the back of the door. "There's a Thai place a couple blocks away. I can't pronounce the name, so it's probably good."

Outside my apartment, Kristin and I milled about on the sidewalk while I checked GoogleMaps on my phone to double check where we were heading. As I did this, a white bus rolled up in front of us and paused at the intersection, waiting for the light to turn. I noticed Kristin tense up next to me. For a moment I wasn't sure why, but then I noticed the bus had thick mesh grates on all the windows. The word CORRECTION was emboldened on the side. The bus was full of convicts. Directly in front of me, not ten feet away, a grisly looking man with a shaved head and facial tattoos was glaring out at me from his ironclad window. His gaze was unwavering. I couldn't look away.

P5K9

The light turned from red to green, and the prison bus switched gears and rolled away. The tattooed inmate kept his gaze on me the whole time, until finally I was out of view.

"Um..." I muttered.

"Yeah," Kristin agreed, then added, "He was memorizing your face, you know. For when he gets out. He's gonna come find you. He's gonna hide out in your apartment while he waits for the heat to die down."

"Well, I'm sure all the dicks on the walls will scare him off," I responded.

P5L7

"See? I did a good thing," Kristin said as we walked. "If it weren't for me, that dude would settle right into your apartment. I totally saved you by painting dicks everywhere."

"I'll still be dead, though," I said.

"Yeah," Kristin said.

"Yeah," I agreed.

256 comments:

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  2. I get so excited for new material, LOVE IT!!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow...simply brilliant....and wow....

    dicks.....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Replies
    1. Lied. She lied on the carpet? C'mon, Adam!

      Delete
    2. No, she LAID her FACE DOWN on the carpet. That is correct grammar.

      Delete
  5. Sometimes (always) I feel like the stories are unresolved. Anyone else feel like that? You keep reading, expecting something more, but the story just fizzles. It's probably just me. I insist on everyone having a vivid imagination. =D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No its just you... we drones with our limited imagination just look at the pretty pictures.

      Delete
    2. What is imagination?

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  6. Advice: Don't shine light on where the dicks are painted. They'll show through the full layer of paint. Forever. My source is that I once painted a dick on a wall, and now in the right light, there is still a dick outline.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dicks will be subconsciously implanted in his brain.

      Delete
    2. It's like those magic eye books, but with dicks.

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  7. I'm loving the extra effort in the gifs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, I'm reading this off my phone. No gifs for me :(

      Delete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh man I'm trying so hard not to die laughing at work! Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yay school trips to New York! I'm new to the city as well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I LOVE Kristen - she is my favorite friend-of-a-person-I-don't-really-know. Seriously.

    ReplyDelete
  12. My family hails from the Astoria/Flushing/Corona area! Good luck to you, with or without wall dicks.

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  13. "Lena Dunham's Boobs Live Here". Brilliant! I almost spit out the food I was eating. Thanks. :)

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  14. My mom's family lives in Stabbin Ireland and I find that name completely acceptable. And they are Irish. And we may or may not be distantly (first cousins we never speak to) related to the mob.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I saw your post on tumblr and came straight away to this site. This made my rough school day much better.
    And when I saw that you now live in an apartment in Astoria all I could think was, "Oh my god my brother lives in Astoria!" It doesn't mean anything really, I was just so excited to actually know where that is.

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  16. what does it say about me that I immediately knew what "Mmmgry. Fwan terferd." meant...?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I knew, but for me it was most likely being surrounded by infants for many years. ={ They are pre-language junkies.

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    ReplyDelete
  18. That was grandom! That's how grand and random resolved itself into one word in my head before typing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh jesus the dickbutt picture. I've spent too much time on fj, this killed me.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Coke nail was definitely my favorite detail.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Replies
    1. Ack, not trying to be a tool, just trying to help! Sorry. I do enjoy your work.

      Delete
  22. OMG! Can I just say how excited I was when I read you lived in Queens :D. Anyways I was also excited about the new blog post. Keep it up and looking forward to the next one.

    ReplyDelete
  23. That's how you know true friendship.

    ReplyDelete
  24. who come sup with those paint names, just called it green and uh a bit greener. but it looks nice, the dicks really brighten up the space!

    ReplyDelete
  25. SO wait, you're saying if Kristin hadn't come over you would have refrained from painting dicks on your walls for the first coat? Who the hell DOESN'T do paint dicks on the wall for the first coat!?

    ReplyDelete
  26. I had no idea stabbin Ireland was sooo close to the equator!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I dunno if dieing in an apartment full of dicks is really what life (and death) is about. I am willing to bet is it though. Especially if the dicks have wings and tiny harps. Yeah. That sounds about right. Nothing like being escorted to the after life by two dimensional penises.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh God. Life lesson. Paint apartment alone. Then I'll order in the Thai food and never stare down the scary convict.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I JUST moved out of Astoria! Now I'm gonna get all your REFERENCES! *coolface

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  30. Oh god, the "I will paint dicks over everything you love" picture/gif-type thing was amazing. Way too funny:]

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  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  32. I love the Dick Butt reference! Viva la KC Green!

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  33. Madison AnnabelleMarch 15, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    And in the words of Ben Fold's Five . . . OHHHHHH IF YOU'RE FEELIN' SMALL, AND YOU CAN'T DRAW A CROWD, DRAW DICKS ON THE WALLL!


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  35. YOU PROBABLY LIVE LIKE 5 BLOCKS AWAY FROM ME, which was my interesting revelation of the day. Astoria is an awesome neighborhood though, the trains are convenient and the Greek food is delicious.

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  43. Huh. I painted my walls like this ( dark grey on one and green on the others, with grey doors.. ) and everyone called me crazy. Why does this pass the test in New York but not here? Rude, imo.

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  56. I couldn't even /handle/ this. I was laughing so hard, it sent me into a gigglefit, which my boyfriend then took advantage of as he showed me pictures of babies on the Asian hangars he bought. I couldn't stop, Adam. It was all because of "moaned along to Tailor Swift".

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    C.E.O/CMD
    Hillary Clinton

    Good day ladies and gentle men i am Mr Hillary Clinton a citizen of San Diego California USA, a God fearing and honest loan lender who can change your life from bad to Good i want you all to understand the fact that i give my loans out in a low interest rate of 3%. Bad credit acceptable,The Terms and Conditions are very simple and considerate. You will never regret in this loan transaction because i will make you smile through out this transaction, because you where not born to be a loser my terms and conditions are very simple what are you waiting for,why don’t you try Mr Hillary Clinton loan company and be free from debts, Any interested clients should contact me via Email: (hillaryclintonloancompany@gmail.com). For further information's on procuring a loan from our services, Please fill the below application form and get back if interested and you will be glad of knowing a loan lender like Mr Hillary Clinton

    BORROWER’S DATA
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    4)State:
    5)Gender:
    6)Marital Status:
    7)Occupation:
    8)Phone Number:
    9)Monthly income:
    10)Loan Amount Needed:
    11)Loan Duration:
    12)Purpose of Loan:

    Kind Regards

    Hillary Clinton


    ReplyDelete
  102. Are you looking for a business loan? personal loan, house loan, car loan, student loan,debt consolidation loan, unsecured loans, venture capital, etc. .. Or have you been refused a loan by a bank or a financial institution for any reasons. I am a john williams, a private lender, lending to businesses and individuals in a low and affordable interest rate of 2% interest rate. if Interested? Contact us today at (johnloanfirm101@outlook.com) and get your loan today

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  104. Are you looking for a business loan? personal loan, house loan, car loan, student loan,debt consolidation loan, unsecured loans, venture capital, etc. .. Or have you been refused a loan by a bank or a financial institution for any reasons. I am a john williams, a private lender, lending to businesses and individuals in a low and affordable interest rate of 2% interest rate. if Interested? Contact us today at (johnloanfirm101@outlook.com) and get your loan today

    ReplyDelete
  105. Hello everyone my name is Anna Barger, am here to testify how i was scammed by various loan lender from this site.I was in need of a loan and i applied from various loan lenders from this very site.They asked me to pay some amount of money at different basis but i never get my loan.This was how i lost the sum of 5000USD .I was now in debt because i borrowed the money from a friend.One day a friend of mine introduce me to Elvin Morrison.He told me how he has helped him with loan at several cases without any delay.I was scared and never believe him.He urge me to trust him,this was how i as introduce to him through his email {elvinloancompany@yahoo.com}.He told me he will offer me the loan that i only need to comply with them.I did as he told me and without any delay,i received my loan as he earlier promise.
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    ReplyDelete
  106. Hillary Clinton

    Good day ladies and gentle men i am Mr Hillary Clinton a citizen of San Diego California USA, a God fearing and honest loan lender who can change your life from bad to Good i want you all to understand the fact that i give my loans out in a low interest rate of 3%. Bad credit acceptable,The Terms and Conditions are very simple and considerate. You will never regret in this loan transaction because i will make you smile through out this transaction, because you where not born to be a loser my terms and conditions are very simple what are you waiting for,why don’t you try Mr Hillary Clinton loan company and be free from debts, Any interested clients should contact me via Email: (hillaryclintonloancompany@gmail.com). For further information's on procuring a loan from our services, Please fill the below application form and get back if interested and you will be glad of knowing a loan lender like Mr Hillary Clinton

    BORROWER’S DATA
    1)Full Names:
    2)Country:
    3)address:
    4)State:
    5)Gender:
    6)Marital Status:
    7)Occupation:
    8)Phone Number:
    9)Monthly income:
    10)Loan Amount Needed:
    11)Loan Duration:
    12)Purpose of Loan:

    Kind Regards

    Hillary Clinton

    ReplyDelete
  107. Hello

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    ReplyDelete
  108. DEAR ESTEEMED LOAN SEEKER

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    Contact us today to obtain your loan via Email..
    hillaryclintonloancompany@gmail.com


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    Nationality:......
    Country:..........
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    Gender:...........
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    You shall receive the loan conditions and terms once we received your
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    Regards

    Hillary Clinton

    C.E.O/CMD


    ReplyDelete
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  110. Testimony on how i got my LOAN…..
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    ReplyDelete
  111. I was not sure of getting a legit loan lender online because of the scams story i hear some years back. But when i could not face my Debt any more and my son was on hospital bed for surgery that involve huge money then i have to seeks for Assistance from friends and when there was no hope any more i decide to go online to seek a loan and i find Marian Lawson Loan company (marianlawson@outlook.com) with 2% interest Rate and applied immediately with my details as directed. Within seven Days of my application She wired my loan amount with No hidden charges and i could take care of my son medical bills and pay off my debt. I will advice every loan seeker to contact Marian Loan Company with marianlawson@outlook.com For easy and safe transaction.

    ReplyDelete
  112. DEAR INTERESTED LOAN SEEKER'S

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    Best Regards.

    Hillary Clinton

    C.E.O

    ReplyDelete
  113. Hillary Clinton

    Good day ladies and gentle men i am Mr Hillary Clinton a citizen of San Diego California USA, a God fearing and honest loan lender who can change your life from bad to Good i want you all to understand the fact that i give my loans out in a low interest rate of 3%. Bad credit acceptable,The Terms and Conditions are very simple and considerate. You will never regret in this loan transaction because i will make you smile through out this transaction, because you where not born to be a loser my terms and conditions are very simple what are you waiting for,why don’t you try Mr Hillary Clinton loan company and be free from debts, Any interested clients should contact me via Email: (hillaryclintonloancompany@gmail.com). For further information's on procuring a loan from our services, Please fill the below application form and get back if interested and you will be glad of knowing a loan lender like Mr Hillary Clinton

    BORROWER’S DATA
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    3)address:
    4)State:
    5)Gender:
    6)Marital Status:
    7)Occupation:
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    9)Monthly income:
    10)Loan Amount Needed:
    11)Loan Duration:
    12)Purpose of Loan:

    Kind Regards

    Hillary Clinton

    ReplyDelete
  114. Hello

    Dear Esteemed Loan Applicants,

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    C.E.O OF HILLARY CLINTON LOAN COMPANY LTD

    ReplyDelete
  115. DEAR ESTEEMED LOAN SEEKER'S

    Good day ,
    We are reputable in giving out various types of loans interested
    individuals should contact us today to get your various types of loans
    which are,
    Auto loans
    debt consolidation,
    personal loans
    business loans
    educational loan and more

    ranging from $1,000 to $1,000,000 to serious and interested seekers at low
    interest rate that can easily be affordable.And we give out loan in 3%
    interest rate, we are serious people and our aim is to do business so i
    advice you to be a serious customer in order to qualify you to obtain a
    loan from us. To facilitate this transaction, please fill the below form so
    we can proceed further on the transaction. Your success is our goal

    Contact us today to obtain your loan via Email..
    hillaryclintonloancompany@gmail.com


    LOAN APPLICATION DETAILS

    Name:.............
    Address:
    Loan Amount:......
    Loan duration:....
    Nationality:......
    Country:..........
    State:............
    Zip/Code:.........
    Gender:...........
    Age:..............
    Marital Status:...
    Telephone:........
    You shall receive the loan conditions and terms once we received your
    filled loan form so i look forward to hearing from you.

    Regards

    Hillary Clinton

    C.E.O/CMD


    ReplyDelete
  116. Good Day !!

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    ReplyDelete

  117. I am a private loan lender which have all take to be a genuine lender i give out the best loan to my client at a very convenient rate.The interest rate of this loan is 3%.i give out loan to public and private individuals.the maximum amount i give out in this loan is $1,000,000.00 USD why the minimum amount i give out is 5000.for more information contact us email finance2014911@gmail.com

    Your Full Details:
    Full Name :………
    Country :………….
    state:………….
    Sex :………….
    Address............
    Tel :………….
    Occupation :……..
    Amount Required :…………
    Purpose of the Loan :……..
    Loan Duration :…………
    Phone Number :………
    Contact email: finance2014911@gmail.com



    ReplyDelete

  118. I am a private loan lender which have all take to be a genuine lender i give out the best loan to my client at a very convenient rate.The interest rate of this loan is 3%.i give out loan to public and private individuals.the maximum amount i give out in this loan is $1,000,000.00 USD why the minimum amount i give out is 5000.for more information contact us email finance2014911@gmail.com

    Your Full Details:
    Full Name :………
    Country :………….
    state:………….
    Sex :………….
    Address............
    Tel :………….
    Occupation :……..
    Amount Required :…………
    Purpose of the Loan :……..
    Loan Duration :…………
    Phone Number :………
    Contact email: finance2014911@gmail.com



    ReplyDelete

  119. I am a private loan lender which have all take to be a genuine lender i give out the best loan to my client at a very convenient rate.The interest rate of this loan is 3%.i give out loan to public and private individuals.the maximum amount i give out in this loan is $1,000,000.00 USD why the minimum amount i give out is 5000.for more information contact us email finance2014911@gmail.com

    Your Full Details:
    Full Name :………
    Country :………….
    state:………….
    Sex :………….
    Address............
    Tel :………….
    Occupation :……..
    Amount Required :…………
    Purpose of the Loan :……..
    Loan Duration :…………
    Phone Number :………
    Contact email: finance2014911@gmail.com



    ReplyDelete
  120. HOW I GET A LEGIT LOAN @ 2% INTEREST RATE
    My name is N Shows. I am a mum of three little kids. When i could not face my Debt any more, my son was on hospital bed for surgery that involve huge money and i also needed some money to refinance and get a good home then i have to seeks for Assistance from friends and when there was no hope any more i decide to go online to seek a loan and i find MARIAH AUSTIN Loan company (mariahaustin@hotmail.com) with 2% interest Rate and applied immediately with my details as directed. Within seven Days of my application She wired my loan amount with No hidden charges and i could take care of my son medical bills, Renew my rent bill and pay off my debt. I will advice every loan seeker to contact MARIAH AUSTIN Company with mariahaustin@hotmail.com For easy and safe transaction.

    *Full Name/Company Name:_________

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    ReplyDelete
  121. i want to appreciate jackson west of guaranteetrustloans@outlook.com for helping me to get an urgentloan
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    ReplyDelete
  122. Hello Everyone,

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    ReplyDelete

  123. Are you seeking for a legitimate lender from the internet? My name is Kathie Smith, United State.please i want to advice you to beware of loan from the China and any part of Malaysia because they are all scammers. I have been scammed over 6 times until i came across a loan company from United State. They are so wonderful and serious minded company. I would advice you contact them if you are in need of loan of any kind(personal or business) because i got a loan from them without any stress after meeting their requirement. Their contact info is: http://www.dennishopkinsfinancehome.com/ or dennishopkins_financehome@live.com or dennishopkins69@yahoo.com Tel: USA +12404374240 Skype ID:roger.n.william

    ReplyDelete

  124. Are you seeking for a legitimate lender from the internet? My name is Kathie Smith, United State.please i want to advice you to beware of loan from the China and any part of Malaysia because they are all scammers. I have been scammed over 6 times until i came across a loan company from United State. They are so wonderful and serious minded company. I would advice you contact them if you are in need of loan of any kind(personal or business) because i got a loan from them without any stress after meeting their requirement. Their contact info is: http://www.dennishopkinsfinancehome.com/ or dennishopkins_financehome@live.com or dennishopkins69@yahoo.com Tel: USA +12404374240 Skype ID:roger.n.william

    ReplyDelete
  125. Hello everyone my name is Michelle Forbes, am here to testify how i was scammed by various loan lender from this site.I was in need of a loan and i applied from various loan lenders from this very site.They asked me to pay some amount of money at different basis but i never get my loan.This was how i lost the sum of 35000USD .I was now in debt because i borrowed the money from a friend.
    One day a friend of mine introduce me to Dennis Hopkins.He told me how he has helped him with loan at several cases without any delay.I was scared and never believe him.He urge me to trust him,this was how i was introduce to him through his email dennishopkins_financehome@live.com .He told me he will offer me the loan that i only need to comply with them.I did as he told me and without any delay,i received my loan as he earlier promise. Am here to tell you that most of the loan lenders in this site are scammers. If you truly need a genuine loan please meet Dennis Hopkins through his Website:http://www.dennishopkinsfinancehome.com/ or dennishopkins_financehome@live.com or dennishopkins69@yahoo.com Tel: USA +12404374240 Skype ID:roger.n.william .He is a registered reliable loan lender.

    ReplyDelete
  126. Hello everyone my name is Michelle Forbes, am here to testify how i was scammed by various loan lender from this site.I was in need of a loan and i applied from various loan lenders from this very site.They asked me to pay some amount of money at different basis but i never get my loan.This was how i lost the sum of 35000USD .I was now in debt because i borrowed the money from a friend.
    One day a friend of mine introduce me to Dennis Hopkins.He told me how he has helped him with loan at several cases without any delay.I was scared and never believe him.He urge me to trust him,this was how i was introduce to him through his email dennishopkins_financehome@live.com .He told me he will offer me the loan that i only need to comply with them.I did as he told me and without any delay,i received my loan as he earlier promise. Am here to tell you that most of the loan lenders in this site are scammers. If you truly need a genuine loan please meet Dennis Hopkins through his Website:http://www.dennishopkinsfinancehome.com/ or dennishopkins_financehome@live.com or dennishopkins69@yahoo.com Tel: USA +12404374240 Skype ID:roger.n.william .He is a registered reliable loan lender.

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  128. I am a private loan lender which have all take to be a genuine lender i give out the best loan to my client at a very convenient rate.The interest rate of this loan is 3%.i give out loan to public and private individuals.the maximum amount i give out in this loan is $1,000,000.00 USD why the minimum amount i give out is 5000.for more information contact us email finance2014911@gmail.com

    Your Full Details:
    Full Name :………
    Country :………….
    state:………….
    Sex :………….
    Address............
    Tel :………….
    Occupation :……..
    Amount Required :…………
    Purpose of the Loan :……..
    Loan Duration :…………
    Phone Number :………
    Contact email: finance2014911@gmail.com



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