Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Devious Kitten

Several weeks ago, I moved to New York. While searching for an apartment, I've been staying with friends. Normally I'd be in a rush to find a place of my own and get settled, but in this case I've been more leisurely than expected. The reason for this is simple: there's a new kitten in the apartment.

His name is Oliver. He's adorable. But as is the way with all cats, his charm is a facade. Nothing acts that cute without an ulterior motive.

evil

By the time I arrived on the east coast, Oliver had already settled into my friend's apartment. I asked why he'd decided to get a kitten, and he explained that it hadn't exactly been a choice. He'd found Oliver in the street one rainy night, wet and scared. Tiny and alone, it was obvious that he was a stray.

L5D2

My friend had picked him up and taken him home. "That's a cute story," I told him. "That kitten is lucky you showed up."

Still, I had doubts. Cats are sneaky and treacherous, and many of them hatch deliberate plans to worm their way into warm and comfortable homes. They hang out in dumpsters and alleys, waiting for some unsuspecting human to scoop them up.

catplan

Since my job consists of making art, writing funny stories, and watching Top Chef marathons, I stay home during the day with the kitten while my friend is at work. For the most part, I have nothing to complain about. Oliver nibbles on my toes, makes little chirping sounds at me when he wants to be pet, and brings all his toys into the living room to show me, which he places in a pile near my feet. It's a cute distraction from my workload.

Sometimes, though, he's a a handful. Like when I'm trying to play Skyrim and he's acting like a feline version of Honey Boo Boo hopped up on go-go juice.

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Generally, kittens are pretty simple if you can figure out what's going on inside their heads. Luckily their heads are the size of unripe kiwis, so it's safe to assume there's not much going on inside.

catbrain

If Oliver is any indication, I figure kittens have three modes of existence: hungry, sleepy, and violent. Hungry Oliver is easily dealt with. Drop a few pounds of raw beef on the floor and you've got yourself a few minutes of peace and quiet. As for Sleepy Oliver, that's a bit more problematic—mainly because he likes to sleep in the more inopportune places.

shouldersleep

Cats do this squinty thing with their eyes when they're getting sleepy. When I see Oliver squinting at me from across the room, I know it's time to find a save point in my videogame or wrap up whatever blog entry about vomit I'm currently in the middle of, because I know I'm about to have a purring cat nuzzled up against me.

Squinty Oliver is charming, but as with every other adorable thing kittens do, it's a trick, and shouldn't be trusted.

L6FX

When Ollie squints at me, it usually means, "I want to snuggle as close to you as possible with some part of my butthole touching your face." Worst case scenario, it indicates he's relaxing in preparation of farting on me.

And Oliver's farts are astoundingly bad.

catfart

It's hard to describe a smell through the internet, but I'll try. Imagine if a pirate farted into a treasure chest right before his ship sank in the Pacific Ocean, then 400 years later famed oceanographer Robert Ballard discovered the wreck and raised the treasure chest to the surface and opened it on a hot summer day, releasing the half-millenium old stench out into the open. That's what Oliver's farts smell like.

Cat farts aside, I can manage Oliver when he's cuddly. When he becomes fesity and bitey, it's another story. Sometimes he's just lovingly destructive, like when he rips buttons off my shirt, or chews on my eyebrows hard enough to draw blood, or rips apart the furniture (which I allow, because it's not my furniture and I don't have to pay to replace it).

furniture

If the object is small enough, Oliver likes to drag it into the living room so he can ruin it in front of me. He keeps his eyeballs fixed on me the whole time, like he's testing me. Warning me.

L5MC

Other times, unexpectedly, Oliver flips into feral mode, and I have to watch out. At any moment a wide-eyed furbeast might rocket out from behind a corner and strike.

attack

I live in constant fear.

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I do my best to make sure Oliver knows who's boss. I constructed a really uncomfortable lion costume for him on Halloween and forced him into a photo shoot so I could gain more followers on Instagram. Sometimes I make him apply for retail jobs on Craigslist and laugh at his disappointment when he gets turned down. He really should know better. Cats aren't qualified to work at Old Navy.

Last week I bought a new Roomba (my second robot vacuum in as many years, which certainly puts me in the upper echelon of lazy Americans). I bought it because, deep down, I'm a 700 pound fat dude with a neckbeard who needs robots to do his housework, but also because if there's one thing I've learned from the Internet, it's that people love YouTube videos of cats riding Roombas.

When it arrived in the mail, I attempted to introduce Oliver to it. He wasn't pleased.

LGUQ

I set him down and he scampered off, his tail fluffed up in distress. "What good are you to me if you won't make me rich on YouTube!" I shouted at him as his disappeared into the bedroom.

I suppose I'll need to start slow at first to get Oliver acquainted to the new vacuum. Maybe if I cover it in deli meats he'll learn to love it. He will make me YouTube famous, one way or another. It's his duty as an American Shorthair.

54 comments:

  1. Cats are evil.
    But that's why most people who own cats are evil themselves ;)

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    1. Pfft Nella, you are under the misconception that cats are "owned". They own us. Get your shit straight.

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    2. My feline overlords are very kind to me *twitch* very kind to me *twitch* very kind to me

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  2. I've unlocked the evil cat code. Cats do that blinky thing as a sign of trust. It's a way they communicate, their way of saying hi. Do it back, and he's yours forever (or at least a few minutes).

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    1. Actually it's their way of smiling. When they squint at you it means they like you. When they squint and turn their head it means I like you but leave me alone, please.

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  3. The smelly farts will slow down when his diet gets adjusted. We adopted a stray kitten that had been foraging. My then 5 year old son named him Pootyhead, Jr. because of the constant farting. Glad you and Oliver have each other...for now. You're gonna miss the l'il booger when you move.

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    1. Dietra, Adam ain't goin' nowhere without that cat. Oliver has wiggled and squiggled, and wormed and squirmed his way into Adam's heart, and now there is no way to detach those tiny claws from Adam's heart without Adam bleeding to death. It's a scientific fact.

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  4. I once had a 3-legged kitten named Tipsy who made a mockery of my 90lb pit bull. It was quite excellent, indeed.

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  5. Awesome post, glad my office has a door because I had several bouts of uncontrolled laughter. Thank you.

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  6. Agreed - squint back and see what he does. Then stare at him wide-eyed and see what he does...

    Also, provide a box. And a ball of tin foil. Together, separately, whatever. Good times.

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  7. "his ship sank in the Pacific Ocean, then 400 years later famed oceanographer Robert Ballard discovered the wreck and raised the treasure chest to the surface and opened it on a hot summer day, releasing the half-century old stench out into the open. That's what Oliver's farts smell like." Half a century = 400 years? :P

    And cat farts are seriously nasty

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    1. Ahem, half MILLENIUM. MILLENIUM=1000 years,CENTURY=100 years DECADE=10 YEARS. FUCKING DIMWIT

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    2. And half a century is 500 years. Wow. U got 2 things wrong in one sentence. I'm surprised ur not a fucking blonde.

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  8. I demand to see this picture of oliver in a lion costume.

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  9. If you want the nasty cat farts to stop, take him off the fancy feast. The human equivalent is that pre-packaged hormel chili (but the nutritional equivalent of twinkies).

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    1. agreed that there is better food, but my kitten eats expensive, well rated grain free food, and his farts are room clearingly bad. some kittens are just stinky.

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  10. I've recently moved back home with my 2 year old kitten and my other cats are not pleased, mostly because my cat constantly attacks them. She's like an only child who doesn't know how to share. She does however know how to stalk them. But I think keeping her locked up in my room will help the transition to a tiny NYC apartment when I get one lol

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  11. This is spot on.

    But what's with the white spot in your friend's hair? Sorry--OCD.

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    Replies
    1. The guy actually has a weird gray spot in his hair. It's where he keeps his secrets...

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  12. Oooh, a blog post on my birthday! This is the point at which I kid myself into thinking you wrote this all for my sake.

    Oliver sounds adorable, though I'm not sure I'd want to have to take care of him. Will you post a picture of what he looks like in real life?

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  13. I feel like this post was a sick ploy to get me to follow you on instagram... well it worked!

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  14. Enjoyed your post as much as I have enjoyed all of your posts thus far. However, I have one bone to pick with you, and that is the fart description. 400 years makes a fart a half-millennium old fart, not half-century.

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  15. Next thing you know, your friend will be having a birthday with five mutts and a con artist. Be careful.

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  16. The cuter they are, the more dangerous they are. In other words, this cat is one of the most dangerous things alive. Be careful...and keep uploading pictures on Twitter.

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  17. Oliver is a ginger kitten, right?
    I am hoping he was named after Oliver from Oliver & Company?
    If so, I pay my greatest respects to whoever named him.

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  18. You say you moved to New York, but the blurb under your picture says you live in Portland. THIS IS A CLEAR PURPOSEFUL ATTEMPT AT DISINFORMATION.

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  19. I have a cat just like Oliver accept he's like 20 pounds, yet still manages to rocket around the house with ease.

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  20. Luke: Do we really need to waste a chance at a new post to spend time updating the HTML description!??!

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    1. Who wants a stylus. You have to get em and put em away, and you lose em. Yuck. Nobody wants a stylus.

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  21. Lita and the boys in MelbourneNovember 21, 2012 at 3:06 PM

    Really? There are actual photos of the little guy that i can look at? I must go and explore this idea. And I agree, take him off the junk food and it won't smell bad even when he uses the litter. Throw him a raw wing or wingette if he's little, he'll be your best friend...

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  22. Ahhh, and I hoped he was named after Oliver Twist!

    Seriously, word to everything you wrote. I have 2 male cats - brothers that I adopted when they were 9 weeks old - and under all that fluff and cuteness, they were scary crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into when I welcomed them into my warm, very naive home.

    I had read online that cats calm down when they turn two. So, in case you were considering keeping Oliver or getting another kitten... they DON'T. They are just bigger and trickier when they throw themselves at you. Because they learn. Oh, do they learn.

    I still love them to bits, though. Loved your comic too! <3

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  23. Literally had tears running down my face with laughter as I read the part about you forcing Oliver to apply for jobs on craigslist. "He should know better." Love it.

    Love your blog. Keep up the good work :)

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  24. um, my kitten is named oliver. and was a stray found on the street...HOW CAN THIS BE?! a kitten conspiracy across America?! except he has 3 legs - that's how he suckered me into adopting him.

    he sleeps on my face and pulls on my hair until i get up to feed him. if he wasn't a gimp, none of this would be tolerated.

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    1. did you watch oliver and company as a child??? because that is what i immediately thought of after learning that his friend found the cat. i think anyone who has seen that movie and finds a stray cat must name it oliver, no matter what. i know i would.

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  25. Having an older cat as my expectation for kitten behavior, I was unpleasantly surprised at the Eat, Sleep, Attack, Repeat cycle my little one lived on. I'm glad it wasn't just her.

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  26. Soft food / fancy feast = Bad gas. Try just hard food.

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  27. Personally I am a dog lover! Your animations are great :D

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  28. At the risk of sounding science nerdy, I must correct you... It's DR. Robert Ballard... That's right, Dr. Robert Ballard was and still is one of my idols. My ass was all over wishing I could take part in the Jason Project and studying the Titanic before it was made into a way too long movie with way too little actual Titanic facts! :D

    Oh yeah, kitteh farts are the absolute worst! I had a cat once that I nicknamed "The King of Assing" because of his love of sticking his butt in my face and farting.

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  29. Wait, cats fart? I have had two adorable cats for 9 years now and nether has ever farted. Maybe its the cat food.

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  30. Wow, sounds like my cat.
    He has the midnight crazies for the majority of the day.
    Doesn't like to be touched unless he graces you with a sit on your lap.
    Can't help but love him any way.

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  31. the great story of cat, i loved it

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  32. All I could hear as I read this was The Mean Kitty Song. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo)

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  33. The squinty-eyed thing is cat for "I love you." If you do it back, watch how amazed they are that you have learned their language. :)

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  34. Puppys are cute and 83% less evil than the average cat.

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    1. Yes, but they are also 83% less intelligent lol

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  35. thats a evil cat my cat wont heart a fly one day he made friends with a grasshopper ~_>

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  36. I had an orange tabby who had farts that could peel paint; we figured out it waa beef that gave him, well, beefy farts.

    That part made me laugh so hard, it woke up the sleeping cat, in my lap.

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  37. When you become all ├╝berfamous with your new book, don't forget about us.

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  38. Ok, I read your entire backlog and now I don't know what I'm supposed to do when I'm pretending to work. ADAM WHAT DO I DO?

    Fine I'll do some work. *sobs*

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  39. Horror stories but I like this cat. This cat is very smart and adorable.

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