Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Monsters Inside Me

An overactive imagination coupled with a tendency to self-diagnose can make life difficult. It doesn't help that the world has up and gone fucking crazyballs. People are eating each other’s faces off in Florida. News outlets threaten influenza from any number of farm animals. Whole television shows are devoted to insane people who eat nail polish or are obsessed with sniffing doll heads (I'm serious). It’s all enough to make a guy go crazy, and after what happened last week, I’m about ready to give up and seal myself in a giant tupperware coffin for the rest of eternity.

I was sitting on my couch watching a movie and absent-mindedly snacking from a bag of sour cream and onion potato chips. I had nearly finished the bag when I happened to glance at a chip before popping it into my mouth and was startled by what I saw. The little flavor specks were larger than normal, and for a moment my brain didn’t register what they were. When I realized that they were actually dozens of dead, curled-up black ants, I felt a sudden wave a nausea overtake me. My mouth went dry. I dropped the chip back into the bag and then sat very still for a moment. I couldn’t quite reconcile the reality of eating a few dozen potato chips covered in ants without realizing it. Nervously, I peered inside the bag and saw hundreds of ants resting at the bottom, possibly an inch of them piled up around the few remaining chips. Instinctively, my hand jerked and I tossed the bag away from me.

J82D

I freaked. There’s no eloquent way to describe my reaction. I freaked the shit out. My knees went weak and I started gagging uncontrollably on the floor. I don't want to live anymore, I thought. I would have gladly invited death. I couldn’t imagine existing in a world where chip bags might house whole colonies of dead ants. To make matters worse, it had been a new bag of chips, meaning the ants had shipped from the factory.

 worms09 

In such an unpredictable, messed-up world, snack foods should remain a safe haven of comfort. How is one supposed to remain sane in the face of such chaos? How am I expected to bring children into a world full of anguish and fear?

It didn’t matter that the ants I'd ingested were dead. In my head, any one of those ants might be a queen with eggs that would hatch and feast upon my insides. I felt like vomiting. I feebly crawled into my bedroom, drew the shades, wrapped myself up in a blanket, and waited quietly to die. In the dark, I pondered what it would feel like to be eaten alive from the inside out by ant babies.

 worms10 

I fell asleep and in my dreams I had a giant pregnant belly full of gestating ants. When I woke, my hand instinctively touched my stomach, but it was thankfully unchanged. While I didn’t feel as nauseated anymore, my worries hadn’t subsided entirely. I still suspected I might have living things in me, and that I was a now an incubation chamber for insects.

 worms11 

For the rest of the day I was on edge. Something had awakened in me and I was now afraid of everything. I cleaned my whole apartment and Febrezed all my furniture, just in case they were full of tiny bugs. I refused to touch any doorknobs, lest they be contaminated with whatever virus was in 28 Days Later. When I had to take the bus that evening to meet a friend, it was all I could do fend off a panic attack at the sheer number of possible contagions that might very well surround me.

 worms12 

Even now, I lay in bed at night and wonder if there are still ants inside me, somehow living in harmony with my internal workings. I remember reading about a woman in India whose baby died during pregnancy, and since it was too large for the body to reabsorb, it calcified and remained inside her for several decades. It doesn’t seem so wild to imagine I might have a community of bugs tunneling through my bones, forming communities. Perhaps before long they'll tunnel into my brain and start controlling my thou—RSDKFJJJSUGAR SUGAR SUGAR WORK WORK WORK GIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE QUEEN YOU ARE A SLAVE TO THE QUEEEEEN

191 comments:

  1. haha love the ending

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  2. Febrezing your furniture isn't going to get rid ants! Silly Adam!

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    Replies
    1. Clearly you've never had to fill a cockroach with Febreze.

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    2. ...Kill a cockroach.

      Words are hard.

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    3. Oh man, before I read your second comment I was like "holy wtf!? You FILLED a cockroach with Febreze?" I pictured you putting a tube in a cockroach and funneling Febreze into it. Very weird visual, although I did just read this post so perhaps not so far fetched that I pictured that.

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    4. The epitome of a fried nervous system and a domesticated human.

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    5. A half dozen caterpillars.


      ...I don't want to talk about it.

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  3. you think you have it bad, ants have their own parasites that turn them into zombies and drive them to suicide

    ooh, what if you have zombie ants in you

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    Replies
    1. I will never be able to eat chips again...

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    2. Alex, I applaud you for your reference good sir

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  4. You poor thing. Maybe it's the years and years and years of babysitting, but this kind of thing isn't one of my top fears anymore. I mean, I'd freak a little, but I'd know that I'd be fine. But after the first hundred times a little kid uses you as a human napkin/Kleenex, germs just don't have the ability to spark a panic attack in me.

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  5. Your stomach acid probably killed them even deader than they already were (along with eggs) :)

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  6. I had a friend eat a box of raisins by dumping the whole things into his mouth only to realize after he swallowed that there was a live maggot wriggling around the bottom of the box. He proceeded to run to the bathroom and throw up violently, then threw out the other box of raisins.

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  7. ...your uterus can't reabsorb anything... It's a uterus...

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    1. ^ Don't know why, but I found this funnier than the blog.

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    2. There are ants colonizing your intestines. Your opinion is invalid.

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    3. I think this is my new comeback of the day..."You're a uterus." Awesome.

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    4. Also if guys had uteruses they'd be called duderuses.

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    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    6. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithopedion

      It happens during ectopic pregnancies. The abdominal cavity absorbs the baby. It doesn't even hang out in the uterus...

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  8. Remember how strong your stomach acid is. Any and all baby ants died a horrible death before they ever even lived.

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  9. creepiest thing ever. won't be eating chips for a while...

    for future reference, what kind of chips were they?

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  10. I work in a restaurant and even though we rinse, spin, and pick through our lettuce I still found just the head of a wasp in a salad bowl. Same wave of nausea.

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  11. I'll gladly stay inside that tupperware container with you! Great post!

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  12. That is the most horrifying thing. Chips=ruined.

    And I totally remember the story of that lady with the 40 year rock baby pregnancy. I think TLC did a thing on it. The only sane and just course of action would have been to name it "Pearl".

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  13. is the giant tupperware coffin a reference to an episode of the t.v show "Eerie Indian" that's a totally random question I know.

    I love your blogs!

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    Replies
    1. I instantly thought of Eerie, Indiana when I saw him write that! Glad I'm not the only one.

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  14. It's entirely likely that you could die from that; ants are covered in a type of bacteria that has to be acid proof, since they generate their own acid to break down soil to make their homes and fend off other bugs. That's why most animals tend to avoid eating ants and go for other bugs; ants in large quantities cause massive bacterial infections, rupturing your organs from the inside out.

    JUST KIDDING! I know what its like to have really paranoid crazy thoughts, since I have a severe anxiety disorder too. Don't feel bad about wanting to curl up in a ball because you ate some bugs; there's nothing wrong with feeling scared about irrational things. All people have something they have to deal with; whether its physical or mental health, its all perfectly normal. Some people are lactose intolerant, others, severely anxious around ants. No biggie :)

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  15. This was a super amazing taco kind of post to which I could sadly relate

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  16. Awesome :D

    Only issue I saw was the Max map you drew with the Fareless Square in the middle. Fareless Square is no longer around. :(

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    1. That's the only issue you had with it? Not that one end of it leads to Mordor?

      Also I miss the Fareless area. : (

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    2. There's no more fareless area??? FAIL!

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    3. The demise of Fareless Square sucks, but I agree with the end of the line being Mordor!

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    4. One does not simply take the Max while gibbering like a little girl into Mordor

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    5. has anyone checked that slice of bread you're eating, or a doughnut from the bakery
      trust me, maybe you don;t want too.All bread of any kind in our area are full of larvea
      and there has nothing on tv or nothing been said. How would you like not to eat any
      bread. but what scares me is no one talking about it, Wonder what;s going on,

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  17. I ate an ant covered donut without looking and had the exact same reaction.

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  18. I've heard stories of worms living inside of people....... I never heard about ants living inside of people. I think you're good!

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  19. ALL HAIL THE QUEEN

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  20. D: I would have responded the same way, with ear piercing shrieks thrown in. I'm so sorry! haha the ending was brilliant though.

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  21. Lovely! :P
    I have a friend who believes that there are mites living in his knees and eating them away and making them hollow. He started thinking like that a few years ago so he should either be over it or have no knees

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  23. I have not been able to eat bulk trail mix ever since I found mealworms crawling around inside a bag I got as a kid. After I'd eaten about six handfuls, of course.

    My father's response? "Extra protein." And he finished the trail mix.

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    1. I found mealworms in trail mix too! Fortunately I saw them before I'd eaten any.

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  24. So, was this a new bag of chips or had it been in your apartment for a while? I mean, did the ants come with the bag or did they enter the bag after you opened it? If its the later, I'm not too worried. but if its the former, I'm never eating chips again.

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    1. He says in the blog that it was new straight from the factory never opened. I will never eat another chip either.

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  25. Whoa. No sleep tonight. A delightful blend of bug fear and queuing episodes of a show where a girl drinking nail polish. Blue is the best tasting. Must watch more weird people..

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  26. Replies
    1. Why?
      Was he hurt?
      Maybe psychologically, but perhaps he should stop being such a wuss about it. This actually happens more than you'd think.
      If you've ever eaten a hot dog or cooked up a frozen beef patty, I can almost guarantee you've eaten bugs. Possibly even rat or mouse.

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    2. Wow, you're kind of a jerk. People have and will sue for psychological damages from this sort of thing before. And even if we wasn't hurt physically, it's still absolutely disgusting that the factory allowed a package of chips to be sent out full of dead fucking ants.

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    3. It's nothing worth suing for. Bloody Americans sue about everything these days.

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    4. "Psychological damages" That's legal talk for "weak and has to compensate for it."
      Jesus. Have a few drinks, puff a joint, talk it out with someone, and GET THE FUCK OVER IT.
      Life goes on.

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    5. Damn dude, remember the golden rule about not saying mean things.

      Also, way to go being an anon so you can be faceless because it's so much easier to be heartless when you're faceless.

      Also, we might sue for "pointless things" but that's because we can, and don't have an overlord telling us we can't.

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    6. LOUD NOISES!

      Adam, you are fantastic and your post made me giggle. Stay golden.

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  27. Haha! As a person that lives in Hillsboro, I found it hilarious that you drew it as Mordor.

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  28. Thank you so much for posting this today, Adam. My dog has been getting sick all over my house the past few days and the number of germs around is making my skin crawl. I felt like I was losing my mind earlier when my brother refused to help me clean every square inch of floor in our home. This post is just what I needed!

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  29. Something like this happened to me, too! At the cafeteria at school they were serving french toast and there wasn't any maple syrup out, so I went into the pantry and took out the bottle. My friend and I poured it all over our toast, to only later realize it was FULL. OF. DEAD. ANTS. I felt sick.

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  30. Your story being very adequate!
    I love it much! You do more of this writing, nyet?
    By the vay, vodka kill both ants and worries!

    (*sigh* some day I will realize my dream of being a gruff Slavic person with a big heart)

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    Replies
    1. I support your dream!
      One day, it shall be so!

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  31. I once discovered that I drank a glass of water full of drowning ants. I know they were still alive, as, after I finished downing the water, my throat was repeatedly stung. I was freaking out, trying to figure out what the hell was happening to me, when I looked in my glass to see little squirming ants at the bottom. Lovely, no?

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  32. AAAAAH!! I hope you called the chip company, because GROSSSSSS!

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  33. Just drink hydrogen peroxide to make sure they are gone.

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  34. Fun fact of the day, the aboriginals in Australia eat honey collecting ants. So basically it is ants carrying drops of honey back to the colony and these people randomly eat their hard work and their little souls.

    So in full awareness of your situation. Shouldn't you feel like a giant overlord from eating the ants? :)

    Unless you like eating nacho flavored crickets? Ha ha ha, they sell those in candy stores strangely!

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  35. i really hope you contacted the makers of the chips. thats nasty and they need to know they are bad and they should feel bad....

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    1. Stuff like this happens all the time.
      You'd be surprised at what you've unknowingly eaten in your lifetime.
      Did you know that there are guidelines on the number of bugs/mice/spiders/BODY PARTS/etc that are allowed in processed foods?
      It's why I very rarely ever eat hot dogs anymore.

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    2. Chocolate is full of insect legs. There are certain insects that are on the cocoa bean trees and when they get the cocoa, they can be stuck to it, so even though they wash it, some parts of the insects don't come off. I think I read somewhere that anywhere from 6 insects legs per a block of chocolate.

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    3. You just ruined my chocolate addiction.

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    4. Unfortunately as a cook I know that there is regulations on minuscule amounts of fecal matter in foods. No matter how much you wash your hands the food ect. It will always happen. :(

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    5. i dont care how much is allowed. half a bag of ants is totally not a responsible amount...

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  36. Umm...ever watch Bizarre Foods? Yah, eating ants isn't too bad. They're actually pretty clean considering they clean themselves all the time (like cats). People around the world eat bugs, grubs, and such on a daily basis without getting sick. The chips themselves were probably worse for you than the ants.

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  37. I hope you called the company! Sue them for nastiness!
    ...at least get a free bag of chips out of them. Ant free, that is.

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  38. I'd have been more afraid that the ants died of insecticide. But great post! Gold and jewels galore!

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  39. Adam. This exact thing happened to me in 8th grade. I got a bag of Fritos from the cafeteria and had nearly finished the bag when I realized those black corn specks WERE NOT CORN SPECKS AT ALL. I was so horrified, I couldn't even tell anyone about it. I couldn't eat Fritos for years after that.

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  40. OH MY GOD. That is nausea-inducing and downright terrifying. D:

    I hope you wrote a "polite" letter to the chip company!

    (Though judging by what I've heard about this sort of situations, you're more likely than not to be given a lifetime supply of their sour cream and onion potato chips as compensation... and after an incident like that, I'm not sure if I could stomach the thought.

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  41. I took an animal biology class a couple years ago and we learned about every phylum in the animal kingdom. You'd be amazed at how many of those included parasites. And my teacher was also somewhat of a sadist so she decided one day she was gonna try to make everybody vomit. I can say with 90% certainty that the most disgusting thing I've ever seen was a video she showed us of a guy getting open heart surgery in Japan to remove a tumor... only it turned out not to be a tumor. IT WAS A FUCKING TAPEWORM. He'd had it so long that it crawled up and made home in his heart.

    So this definitely won't help you not be creeped out by the idea of little bugs living in your insides. But I'm right there with you.

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  42. Oh my god. I finally feel like I can tell my story now. I was so ashamed and disgusted I felt like I couldn't tell anyone ever but since yours is def worse I feel better. We had these sugar free coffee flavorings out next to our coffee maker and everyday for months I would make myself coffee and put a little sugarfree caramel flavoring in my coffee...Then one day, for some crazy reason, I looked at the bottle and what did I see? About half a dozen dead ants floating around in the coffee flavoring. I stopped drinking coffee altogether for a few weeks. Life is hard.

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  43. Lol! I don't blame you for wigging out. I shrieked like a little girl when I discovered a million maggots in my compost bin one week! The memory makes me shudder... Lol!!! Great posts, really well written.

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  44. I grew up in a no sugar food house, my dad randomly had a box of cap crunch in the freezer, I assumed he was hiding it, and on my second bowl being finished I looked down to see tons of ants, dead and floating. Apparently he stuck the box in there because he didnt want to waste it. Also made the protein comment, pretty sure its still there 20 something years old, next to a couple of dead cockatiels in tin foil.

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  45. I laughed my ass off at the "I don't want to live anymore" line. So great.

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  46. Left my sweet tea from McDonalds on the counter one night, woke up the next morning thirsty as hell. Too lazy to go to the fridge and pour myself a glass of water, I decided to take a swig of tea. A few sips in I realized there was no way my drink still had ice in it and the chunkage in my mouth had to be some unidentified objects. Spewed it all over the room to see the paperwork in my drink were flies...hundreds of them. I feel your pain.

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    1. Chunks* idk where the funk paperwork came from.

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  47. Logically, your stomach acid will dissolve the ants. Mentally, "TAKE ME TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL TO GET MY FUCKING STOMACH PUMPED NOW."

    A couple years ago, I went to get the leftover pizza from the night before. I ate a piece or two and put it back. Later that day, I went back to it again and there were so many ants under one slice of pizza, they had to have been there earlier. In my hand, there was a piece and ants started crawling up my arm. Guess who screamed bloody murder and used bleach everywhere?

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  48. I love how Hillsboro is now Mordor on the MAX map lol

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  49. I'll just leave this here. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lithopedion

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  50. True story: I once very nearly ate a lollipop riddled with dead ants. As in, they had climbed up the hollow tubes at some point in the factory process and became frozen in place like the worst kind of amber preservation. Conclusion: nothing is sacred. Ants are everywhere. NO FOOD IS SAFE.

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  51. This is exactly what happened to me last week when eating pizza. There was an entire army of ants. And I only realized after I ate one and a half pieces. ONE AND A HALF. THE ANTS WHERE EVERYWHERE. THEY STARTED CRAWLING UP MY ARM FROM THE PLATE. AND I WAS TOO BUSY STARING AT THE TV. OH GOD. OH GOD. I COULDN'T. THE HORROR. I WILL NEVER FORGET.

    I know your pain.

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  52. I'm seriously disappointed in your readers' comments. I bet you are too.

    As I was reading your first two paragraphs, I spied with my little eye, a dastardly ant crawling on the screen below the words. I got a bit upset, because it was just yesterday that the whole house got treated for these little beggars.


    Scrolling to the first drawing though, it disappeared so I had to go back and make sure I hadn't been seeing things. You sneaky devil you!! Also, I have eaten bugs on purpose. That's what you do when you become a parent, and even more so , as a grandparent. Must freak out the newer generations you know.

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    1. This is hilarious! I gave you credit for a little trick that you had no part in. I watched that 'ant' about 5 times before responding. After posting, I went back to look at it again. I know, I'm perverse that way. Imagine my surprise after scrolling up and down several times that I discovered it was the tip of you finger! Still pretty awesome that it could have been an ant, no?

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  53. Remember how we live in the natural world? Get over it.

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  54. Oh god. I had the same experience recently. I left a can of Arizona green tea sitting outside for like a half an hour without paying much attention to it, then took a drink of it, and felt the ants in my mouth. It was one of the worst things ever.

    Also, I like how accurately you drew the max map at the end. Especially having Hillsboro labeled Mordor, which is a fairly accurate description.

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    Replies
    1. I feel your pain.. I just posted my run-in with live ants in the mouth. NOT FUN!

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  55. Once, when I was in elementary school, my friend was sitting next to me with her school cafeteria taco. As she started to eat it, a live fucking spider crawled out of the meat. She screamed bloody murder and never ate at the school cafeteria again.

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  56. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

    Where I come from, I've heard worse tales: cockroaches, lizards, nails (the hammering kind), staples, maggots, human hair, you name it.

    Some tiny ants? Pfffttt...

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  57. Hahahahahaha, but its cool. Apparently eating ants is good for your eye sight and blood. Just saying...

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  58. Hahahaha reminds me of teasing in the 1st grade... "What's the matter? Have you got ants in your pants? And do they make you do the boogie dance, all the way to France?"

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  59. What the hell brand of chips were these? Tell me now so only you have to suffer through that experience...

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  60. I absolutely LOVE your blog. I laughed so hard I was snorting. "Take me now Lord!" "Lol, nope!" haha!

    I ate bugs once. I have no idea what KIND but I made a post-discovery like you. It spurred me to research acceptable defilement levels in foods. Did you know it is acceptable to have 29 thrips in your brussels sprouts but not 30?? (my blog post (and how I will never again eat raisins).

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  61. First of all, you should sue because, why the crap not?
    Second, when I was a kid a bee flew into my Dr. Pepper can and I didn't realize it until I took a drink and felt the furry fuzziness of the drowned bee against my lip. I brushed my teeth and all around my mouth and lips for hours.

    Dead bugs ruin snacking.

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  62. One time in band ca.... Oops wrong story.. Anyways I was eating homemade popcorn one night and after I popped a couple pieces into my mouth I noticed it didn't feel like popcorn against my tounge... So I pulled it out to look at it and LEGS were sticking out from between my fingers! It was a Stinkbug!!!! So not only did I have a lingering nasty smell/taste in mouth for hours but now I can never eat popcorn in peace again...

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  63. When I was about 13 or 14, I was happily playing video games, drinking a Dr. Pepper. I stopped long enough to walk down to the mailbox (at the end of a long dirt road).. I was gone maybe 10 minutes. When I got back, I resumed my game, then reached over to my Dr. Pepper, grabbed it and took a swig. I then almost immediately sprayed Dr. Pepper all over my floor because in the 10 minutes I was gone, hundreds of ants had taken a liking to my beverage, and I ended up with several in my mouth and on my face.. STILL ALIVE AND CRAWLING AROUND!! *shudder* Gives me the willies just thinking about it.

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  64. My sister had this happen to her a few weeks ago, except she was eating soup and realized there were little white worms all over the crackers she had put in there (she had already eaten part of it). She freaked out and dumped everything that was in the same cupboard as the crackers away. Probably a good thing she did, because all our cereal/granola/crackers were full of them! It was horrifying!!!! Literally she was gagging and dry heaving. haha!!!!! (on a side note...it's kind of nice to see it happen to my sister and not me...I get to laugh at her).

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  65. I found you a stone baby article. At first, when I read about lithopedions on wikipedia, I thought it might be a myth, but there are several scientific peer-reviewed articles about the phenomena. They even found one last year in Madagascar. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11534806

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  66. Hey it may not be all bad! Remember in Futurama when Fry had all those worms and it turned out they made him even more awesome in every way? I see no reason why this couldn't logically happen in real life.

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  67. Due to my tendency for illness paranoia, whenever something goes slightly wrong with me I zealously avoid the internet/WebMD because I just know it will make things worse. I recently explained this to someone else, adding that it doesnt actually help because after about two months of random twitching in my right eye, and succesfully avoiding WebMB, i stumbled upon a news story about a man whose doctors had removed a 6 inch worm from his eye after he came in complaining of persistant eye twitching.

    That, combined with the story about the tick whose bite can make you permanently allergic to meat (NOOOOOOOO! I NEED MY CHICKEN/BACON/STEAK/PEPPERONI PIZZA) has made me eternally spastic in regards to insects.

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  68. I need to know what kind of chips these are. I'm horrified. I feel as sick as you and I didn't even eat any. :o(

    I hope you called the company so they recall them!!

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  69. I find it very funny that your first concern, Adam, was the ants colonizing your body and not that something had caused them to die to begin with. Yes, we could claim that eventually they ran out of oxygen but isn't it more concerning to wonder if what ever preservatives and synthetic additives these chips have could have caused their death? And you're eating ALL that.

    That being said, this whole post smells like long-term psychological trauma -- I smell a lawsuit coming!

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  70. ...It's cases like this where the most natural instinct is definitely curdling into a ball and contemplating life and why you are still alive. Seriously though, I accidentally swallowed a slug in the first grade because someone put it in my cup of juice without me knowing. They told me after the fact. This resulted in a panic attack and a year of therapy.

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  71. Did you think of calling the 1-800 number on the bag? I'm sure you could get something for the trauma you went through

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  72. Adam, if those chips really were brand new right from the factory, you REALLY need to contact either the company itself or the FDA or something and get them to clean up that factory. That's absolutely horrifying. It's sort of your duty as a consumer to make sure that other people don't have to suffer through the same thing. Plus, if you were more of the rich, litigious type, I'm pretty sure you have grounds for a lawsuit.

    Also, it would be really really great if you could tell all of us the brand of chips so that we can never ever eat them again.

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  73. Aw man aw man Sophomore year of college my roommate and I had an ant infestation. Our room was perfectly clean(I cleaned obsessively at the time) and they were EVERYWHERE. It was like all the surfaces in our room were moving. We had the room sprayed twice to no avail, they would return in a few days. We didn't mind them so much because we didn't keep food in the room and they didn't bite. And then... One day as I packed up to leave for class I licked the side of my mouth as a reflex AND ATE A FUCKING ANT. It was a bit crunchy, very sour, alive, and all-in-all, not bad. People eat ants in other countries, sooo.... Anyway after that I declared war on ants and after much, much effort, rid my room of ants. The ants and I still have an ongoing war to this day, though... Dead ants are a different matter. That's gross, man.

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  74. Okay if I was him I would call the company
    Opportunity for a free bag of chips!

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  75. I remember my mom telling me about this girl that a fly put her eggs inside her leg or something and that a few days later she saw under her skin a worm moving.

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  76. I hope they weren't really Sandkings. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandkings_(novelette) (was also an episode of The Outer Limits)

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  77. oh so maybe like the fungus species Ophiocordyceps camponoti-balzan that controls ants, makes them climb up tress where they die and the fungus grows out of the ant. So if you start voluntarily climbing a lamppost it may be too late for you!

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  78. The 28 Days Later virus was called "Rage".

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  79. If it makes you feel any better, the average person unknowingly eats 8 spiders in their sleep in their life time. Or that might make it worse...

    Either way, you can just chug some chocolate and say you were man enough to eat chocolate covered ants! Anyone questions it, dare them to eat a chocolate covered grasshopper. That should shut them up.

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    Replies
    1. Chocolate covered grasshoppers are surprisingly delicious. Ate them in grade eleven in Bio.

      Delete
  80. Okay, there are like, a million comments here telling gross bug stories but I wanted to throw mine into the pile, because I think it may be good enough to win.

    I was a Peace Corps volunteer in west Africa and every Sunday another volunteer nearby and I would go to the local market town to buy supplies and partake in some rare protein.

    One Sunday, like all those before it, we bought a whole fried chicken to eat. We took it to a secluded spot and tore in, noticing it was a little tougher than normal, but we were not terribly concerned.

    After a lot of the meat was gone and the bones were exposed, I noticed....some movement. I told myself it was the grease running out the middle and glistening in the light. But it wasn't; I just didn't want to face reality. I kept staring until the other volunteer reached to get some more, and I said something along the lines of, "Umm no. Stop...wait. There's. Bugs. Worms, maybe? Bugs. Bugs bugs. Moving."

    Indeed, the chicken was full of live maggots. Let me say that again louder: LIVE MAGGOTS.

    I can't say we ever had a violent freak out, we just chucked the maggot-riddled corpse over the wall and sat in silent horror, staring at the ground and seeing nothing. I remarked that I now felt my life was divided into two parts; before I ate the maggots and after I ate the maggots.

    I think the worst moment for me was right after we disposed of the body; I absent-mindedly scratched my eyebrow, and I felt something...wet up there. Turns out I still had some live maggots under my fingernails and had gotten them on my face. I swear to god, it was just like that scene in Poltergeist with the John Denver look-a-like except it wasn't the spirits fucking with me, it was real oh god, it was really happening.

    Funny ending, too; we went to the woman we bought it from (with the retrieved maggoty chicken) and told her what happened. She was horrified and immediately started to get us a new fried chicken. We said NO, and just asked for our money back. She got all pissy and said, "But you ate most of it." Really? Lady, I ate until I saw maggots. You aren't the one to be outraged here.

    The only advice I can give is that after a while, things go back to normal and you find reason to live again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, I knew you were going to top all the stories when you started with "...Peace Corp volunteer in West Africa...". I bet a vegetarian lifestyle sounded good after that... Good storytelling :)

      Delete
  81. A colleague opened a snack bar earlier this year and noticed it was covered in webbing and hundreds of tiny egg like things. We couldn't see any living creatures - but were extremely thankful that she noticed prior to her eating it. We took pictures, she sent them to the company and complained, and they sent her a bunch of vouchers for replacement products. Because of course what you want to do is go out and buy more of the product that was infested with eggs/creatures.

    ReplyDelete
  82. I was eating a bag of walnuts and cranberries the other day that I had scooped out of one of those pick and mix stands at the grocery store when I noticed a meal worm in my lap. Where could it have come from? The bag. It came from the bag of cranberries and walnuts. There had been a few walnuts that had tasted not like walnuts...

    ReplyDelete
  83. now google websearch of 'woman with calcified baby in uterus' is off the charts

    ReplyDelete
  84. No disgusting bug stories for me. But seriously, next time someoner rubs my belly and asks me if its a boy or girl, I will look them dead in the eye and tell them its ten thousand ants.

    ReplyDelete
  85. please tell us the brand?

    ReplyDelete
  86. At my local Wal Mart, someone recently found a thing of chicken infested with maggots....

    The world sucks, man.

    Also, a place I found on craigslist once had bedbugs. If you ever get them, don't clean, don't take anything with you. Strip your clothes off, burn the house down, and run away...

    Far...far. away.

    Worst. Experience. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
  87. The lady who ate nail polish was from my hometown. I about died when I saw that. She had a miscarriage from drinking nail polish and brushing her teeth with remover. People are weird.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Adam, Is there a way I can support you without actually giving you any money? Like an adf.ly link I can just spam the hell out of?

    ReplyDelete
  89. My first reaction to this post was absolute horror and great sympathy.

    My second, however, is a craving for chips. I shall now go fulfill that craving, but I have you to blame (thank?) for now making me check the chip receptacle before ingesting anything.

    ReplyDelete
  90. Ant baby, try microbiome baby!

    http://www.economist.com/node/21560523?fb_action_ids=10151401552035760&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_ref=scn%2Ffb_ec%2Fme_myself_us&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

    ReplyDelete
  91. All I have to say is...Omg that's disgusting! I will never see chips the same way ever again x.x. I don't know what I would do if that happened to me, honestly.

    ReplyDelete
  92. I SAW THE SAME DOCUMENTARY ON THE WOMAN WITH THE CALCIUM BABY IN INDIA

    Secondly, I sincerely hope you contacted the manufacturer of the potato chips and insisted on 10,000 free bags, one per each ant. I also hope they weren't Lays because those chips are the shit. Especially sour cream and onion.

    Despite the content for which the post was published, I now want me some chips.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Haha, according to the MAX map I live in Mordor.

    ReplyDelete
  94. Hullo, long time lurker, first time commentor...

    I've eaten bugs before, mostly just mealworms and crickets, and they were covered in a cheese or chili powder, and they were quite delicious. I have read somewhere that insects do have a lot of protein.
    But I don't think I'd be too happy seeing a huge amount of ant carcasses in my bag of chips. I'd be calling up the company asap.

    Here's something fucked up: One morning I got up and brushed my teeth, and when I had my cup of water up to my lips, I saw a big spider (still alive) floating on the water.
    NOT COOL SPIDER.

    ReplyDelete
  95. Now I'm hungry for chips

    ReplyDelete
  96. Hey, could you make the "It's Ten Thousand Ants" one something that could go on a shirt? That'd be great to give to a pregnant lady.

    ReplyDelete
  97. I am slightly nauseaus after reading this.

    ReplyDelete
  98. I thought I was alone in this kind of self-diagnosis obsessiveness. Whenever I eat meat that's been cooked more than two days ago (of course, they were refrigerated during the course of time), I would imagine maggots having been living dormant inside the meat, and that after eating it, I would be slowly dying from the maggots eating my insides and multiplying.

    Even now, even though nothing has happened of that sort [yet], I am still paranoid about it.
    At least, I know I'm not alone in this paranoia; in this crazy, messed up world.

    ReplyDelete
  99. ... I don't think I will ever eat chips again... thanks Adam...

    ReplyDelete
  100. Ha ha ha!!! Oh MAN! Once I had some soy sauce (It was one of those little Kikkoman pouring bottles like you get at the restaurant) which we kept in an open cupboard. My mum and I were using it one day. She'd had plenty and consumed everything she'd covered it in when I looked down at my plate and noticed tiny things in the pool of sauce on my plate. Upon closer inspection I realise they were fruit flies. Hundreds of fruit flies. And my mum had eaten any entire meal of them.

    ReplyDelete
  101. I once had a bunch of dead ants in my beer bottle. Which I did not pour into a glass and thus did not see them. I threw up. It was not pleasant. They were dead but that taste... It really gets to you man.

    ReplyDelete
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  103. Was working on eating a cheapo-deapo lollipop for a while at camp once. It was dark outside, so it took me a while to get into the light and notice that the odd texture it had wasn't a new lollipop feature, but lots of tiny ants that got stuck to it in the factory. Definitely washed my mouth out with soap. For a looong time. Yuck.

    ReplyDelete
  104. Lita and the boys in MelbourneOctober 10, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    Hey, I swallowed a fly once! It just flew right into my mouth and down my throat. At least your ants were dead.

    ReplyDelete
  105. good lord that is horrible I cringed reading that. I have no idea if this will put your "ants are living inside me" thoughts away but the acid in your stomach kills every living thing (except certain parasites but ants aren't parasites) that finds its way into your stomach. Its like a giant vat of acid it'll just liquefy them. They are obliterated. Hope you feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  106. I paid too much attention to the bus map, wondering if I could figure out what bus it was.
    Mordor to Gresham?
    ...is it the number 12?
    Cause I hate that bus. I don't know why. I just do.

    ReplyDelete
  107. Gosh, Adam, Don't post so often. -_-

    ReplyDelete
  108. ADAM I NEED A POST D: I'll come throw coconuts at you or hide a cat in your drywall or something if you're out of stories

    ReplyDelete
  109. While dead ants are bad I have something worse. My Mom once bit into a cherry blossom (A type of chocolate covered cherry) to find it filled with live maggots. LIVE. MAGGOTS. And when she went to the store to complain she found that most of the other candies were full of bugs, too. The company that produced the candy apologized and gave her a bunch of chocolates and stuff to make up for it, but after something like that I don't think you'd be able to eat anything for a while. Also she knew someone who accidentally swallowed his pet tarantula. Pleasant Dreams!

    ReplyDelete
  110. I really wish I could unread this one... And this comment above...

    ReplyDelete
  111. I've seen all of the shows you referenced in this blog. TLC/DHC win!

    ReplyDelete
  112. Yeah... I ate life maggots with my Müsli once. Pretty much the same response. But! I did not puke! I am just that tough, yes.

    ReplyDelete
  113. The same thing happened to me, except they were in my cinnamon toast crunch. Nay, glazed onto my cinnamon toast crunch. How did they make it through quality control? I haven't touched that cereal since. Reading these comments makes me feel less alone. Lolipops, fritos, chips, cereal... Is nothing sacred?

    ReplyDelete
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  134. I kid you not, this HAPPENED TO ME ONCE. In high school I bought one of those vending machine bags of Nacho Cheesier Doritos, and there were ANTS at the bottom. This occurence has been known to happen. And yes, I wanted to die after I found out too.

    ReplyDelete
  135. I can't believe the ants in the US know how to type! Genius!

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