Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Tooth

I went to Jason's party because I had nothing better to do, realizing I wouldn't know anybody and would probably end up standing alone in his backyard nursing a beer, wishing I was playing videogames instead. House parties in Portland are almost always terrible but I figured being bored and annoyed while surrounded by people was better than being bored and annoyed while sitting on my couch in the dark.

 In a pleasant turn of events I found myself engaged in conversation with a girl named Eve. I'm sure it's obvious how the conversation started.

"Oh, your name is Adam? My name is Eve!"

"What a hilarious coincidence! Let's talk about lots of things now."

At some point I made her laugh, though I don't recall the joke. What I do remember is that she guffawed suddenly and loudly, and it caused her tooth to shoot out of her mouth. I'll explain this further in a moment, but for now let me repeat what I just said, because it deserves to be emphasized. She laughed hard enough to propel her tooth out of her skull.


 tooth_pop 

She seemed unfazed and bent over to pick up her tooth. Noticing my alarm, she explained to me that the tooth had actually popped out last year, and rather than get it replaced with a fake one, she'd simply inserted it back into place. "It's always sort of wobbly now," she explained, "but it stays put most of the time. It's fun to be able to remove it whenever I want." 

 She blew the dirt off her tooth and nonchalantly mashed it back into its gumhole.

tooth_squish 

I asked Eve how she'd lost the tooth, and she recounted how she'd taken a basketball to the face in the park. The tooth had been loose prior to the accident, so she wasn't altogether surprised when it flew out of her mouth.

tooth_basketball tooth_whitney 

I was skeptical as to how a basketball could travel with enough force to knock out somebody's tooth, but I decided not to grill her about it. I'm no stranger to getting smacked in the face with balls myself (shut up, you know what I mean). As a teenager I wore glasses exclusively, and once during gym class I was struck in the face with a dodgeball. The impact was severe enough to break my glasses into three separate pieces.

tooth_dodge 

Eve and I talked for about a half hour after that, my eyes constantly darting to her one loose tooth, knowing it could launch itself free of her body at any time without warning. Eventually she and I parted ways when we each noticed other people we knew. I didn't see her again for a couple hours. 

 A little before 1 AM she appeared again, visibly sloshed. She stumbled up to me, holding her tooth up to my face.

tooth_holdon 

And with that, she disappeared into the house, entrusting me with her tiny bit of precious enamel. I suppose it was responsible of her in a way, like giving your car keys to a designated driver. Picking your tooth out of a pile of vomit can't be a pleasant experience. 

 An hour passed with no sign of Eve. The party began to clear out and I was itching to leave myself. I scanned the backyard, then did a quick patrol of the house looking for her, but she was nowhere to be found. I meandered through the dwindling crowd of stragglers, asking if any of them knew Eve's whereabouts.

tooth_asking  

Eve had clearly left the party without her tooth. I asked Jason, the party's host, if I could leave the tooth with him in case the girl came back to claim it. 

 "You may absolutely not leave that nasty thing in my house," Jason said. "Take it with you." 

 I didn't know what to do. It was not my responsibility to look after a drunk girl's lost tooth. I considered my options. Should I take it with me and post a listing on Craigslist the next day? There's no M4TF (Male For Toothless Female) listing. I couldn't embark on some Cinderella-style quest to find her, looking for a mouth to fit the tooth. That would most certainly result in failure.

tooth_granny tooth_carny tooth_hockey 

Left with no alternative, I opted to pocket the tooth and head home. I had to trust that if Eve needed her tooth, she'd find me. The tooth sat on my book case for several days, and I started to become unnerved by it. Nobody at the party had known who Eve was, and I began to suspect that maybe she never existed at all. Perhaps she was a demon succubus whose sole purpose was to plant a cursed tooth on some unsuspecting male. Maybe the tooth was some sort of cursed totem with the power to summon great monstrosities from the abyss.

tooth_cthulhu

Currently, the tooth still rests on my book case, abandoned and possibly harnessing sinister energy. I still don't know what I should to do with it, so in closing, I offer this final plea: 

 Eve, 

 I have your tooth. If you happen to read this, please let me know, because I'd rather not have bits of your skull lingering around my apartment. If I haven't heard from you in a couple weeks, that tooth is fair game, and I'm getting it plated in silver and strung from a chain. If it turns out to have mystical powers, I'm selling that shit on eBay. 

 Regards, Adam


112 comments:

  1. How's the book coming along Adam?

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  2. Oh my gosh, this is great.
    I'd love to see a picture of the tooth

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  3. Poor Adam, that's really funny though.

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  4. Oh Dear Gawd you really are a good guy. meanwhile what does it mean when a girl gives you a tooth, I mean I personally wouldn't entrust my purse to anyone but a tooth....hmm. . . .

    You have DNA - Clone something!!!!!

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  5. I second the need for a picture of said tooth.

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  6. Oh my gosh. That's disgusting. Hilarious but oh so disgusting.

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  7. You are hilarious. I always LMFAO (out loud) when I read your stuff. I had to explain it to my BF. I think he's jealous that you make me laugh more than he does! Anyways - I love you, man!

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  8. My stomach turned when she squished it back in her gum hole. Have you been brushing it?

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  9. I'm starting to think the only reason funny people are actually funny is because weirder/funnier things happen to them.

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  10. inês GonçalvesJune 5, 2012 at 12:04 PM

    i love how the girls at the party look like the girls from scooby doo

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  11. Pics or it didn't happen.

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    Replies
    1. It took us three years to build the NeXT computer. If we'd given customers what they said they wanted, we'd have built a computer they'd have been happy with a year after we spoke to them - not something they'd want now.

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  12. As a girl with cherries tattooed on her chest, I literally LOL'ed at the carny with the same tattoo.

    Touche, Adam. Touche.

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  13. Did Daphne and Velma of Scooby-doo fame attend the party as well?

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  14. This sounds way too hilarious to be true, but even if it is entirely fiction it is perfect. I thought my tales of OkCupid misadventures were funny but this trumps anything that's ever been said to me (and today I got "looks so good" and nothing else in a message).

    Well done, sir. Well. Done.

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  15. I like how the Bitches at the party look like Daphne and Velma.

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  16. it took me a while to realize that the tooth was saying 'someone DVR whitney for meee!'

    i thought it said 'someone dur whitney for meee!' and i spent about five minutes trying to figure out what the fuck 'dur whitney' meant.

    i think 'dur whitney' is funnier. but that's just me.

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    Replies
    1. I am so glad you said something. I just spent 20 seconds of my time googling "Dur Whitney," and lucky for me your comment was the first on the list. True Story.

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  17. Whelp, good luck with your pet cthulhu or something, I guess.

    Maybe this is the beginning of an adventure?

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  18. Everyone in portland looks like Velma.

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  19. It's just like with the apple all over again.
    what's the problem with these girls name eve?
    there's even a movie about them...

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  20. this is incredibly disgusting and soo random.

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  21. Consider Eve officially saved from herself.

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  22. I second the need for brushing this thing. She did leave it in your care, the least you could do is keep it clean for her.

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  23. I think I liked the pictures of you getting creamed in the face with balls the most (you know what I mean :P)

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  24. I once had an anxiety dream where my teeth were falling out and I just put them back but had no idea that anyone could do that in real life! does it like... have roots?

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  25. Put it in a glass of Coke and see how long it takes to dissolve.

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  26. Seriously put it on the Missed Connections part of Craig's List. And then post about all the random toothless women you get answers to!

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  27. Adam, you have done your duty, you held the tooth for the duration of a vomit - a very, very long vomit and now you may place it down. Not in your house.

    This is the type of thing that normally only parents do.

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  28. I've taken a few balls to the face back in the day. Oh wow there is really no good way to phrase it.

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  29. Good lawd i laughed so hard my cat is judging me....

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  30. Maybe Eve's life force is stuck in that tooth. She probably wandered too far in her drunken abyss and evaporated. May I suggest soaking the tooth in some mineral water for a day or 2. I'm pretty sure Eve will grow back.

    Good luck in your quest.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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  31. Please inform us if she ever claims her tooth. I am more fascinated with this story than I probably should be.

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  32. I have seen a guy lost a tooth from a ball to the face in a high school basketball match. But he went to the dentist and got it fixed...

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  33. Oh! Please draw more hockey players! Preferrably drunk ones, and perhaps gettin' freaky ones. :]

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  34. I want that tooth.

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  35. The chick who says "sicknasty, brah" looks like Velma from Scooby Doo.

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    Replies
    1. THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING!!!

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  36. I feel as though a shrine or trophy should be forged for it to rest appropriately. Perhaps a gold plated angel thrusting it to the sun or an elaborate crown with this tooth as it's central, most polished jewel. Surely the placement alone will invite a variety of questions, to which you may simply respond with "Oh, that? That's just some girl's tooth."

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  37. the image of a rogue tooth on your bookshelf is haunting me all the way up to Canada.

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  38. ...Attack can take strange forms. And you will remember the tooth. The tooth...you will remember the tooth.

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  39. I love that in the last scene, you're eating one of those double ice pops!! <3 :)

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  40. She lost her tooth LAST YEAR and hasn't gotten an implant yet? Something is not right here...

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  41. Store it in a cup of milk in the fridge. Make sure said cup is properly labeled. :)

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  42. This is the first post of yours that I've read and it was absolutely hilarious! I considered pretending that I was Eve, however, I saw that someone else had already taken that line so I'm just being me. Thanks for the laughs :)

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  43. http://www.etsy.com/listing/76593211/tooth-fairys-cousin-ring-in-gold?ref=sr_gallery_39&ga_search_query=tooth&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_search_type=handmade

    Or you can totally bling it out as a ring. According to Etsy silver teeth on a necklace is a thing. XD

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  44. Hahaaa, this was so damn hilarious. I can't believe such an incident can actually happen to some one. Cheers mate. :D

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  45. I'll buy that tooth from you. If Eve ever shows up, I promise to give it back to you...for twice what I pay for it. I am sick. I can't help it.

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  46. How serendipitous if she eve shows up. BTW great story for you twilight years sitting on the veranda with Eve.

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  47. I feel like everyone is missing the big picture here, clearly this is a story about health care reform...Eve couldn't afford to get her tooth fixed. Socialize!
    hahaha

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  48. As a school receptionist, I often had to keep found teeth in my desk. The Lost and Found drawer = gross DNA cubby.

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  49. Thanks for the well told story with pictures and text.
    Is this the most bizarre thing to ever happen to you at a party?

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  50. hi-freakin-larious. I highly suggest the Craigslist route for this Portland-esque Cinderella tale. Would make for a great story to tell your grandchildren someday...cause I bet with all of her teeth in, Eve is quite the looker:-) Good luck!

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  51. Sell that baby on e-bay.. And let us know when you do.

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  52. This blog is hilarious. I thought I was the only person with that many little hang ups about life. Can't wait to see more!

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  53. its relly mine i want it back i am eve

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  54. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who noticed the Daphne and Velma lookalikes!

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  55. "... and that's how I met your mother."

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  56. I wonder if you could cash in on the tooth!
    Like if you put it under your pillow, would the Tooth Fairy count it as yours since you have current ownership, or, since it's been lost for a while and you didn't immediately redeem the cash for said tooth, then you lose the earnings forever. So many variables.
    I'm sure there's a Tooth Fairy contract somewhere online....

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  57. I gagged on a blueberry chunk from my yogurt while reading this.

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  58. Dude, just keep it. She owes you a rib anyway.

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  59. at first i thought this was crazy, someone who managed to remove/insert their tooth willy nilly after having it removed..

    But while eating lunch in the teachers lounge today the music teacher asked us to turn away so she could remove her tooth to eat


    apparently Im the odd man out NOT having a tooth i can conveniently remove

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  60. God, I've only found this blog a couple days ago and managed to read the whole thing in a single night. It's pretty funny....

    And for the tooth, like another commenter suggested: You've got DNA! Go clone that shit!

    Also... judging from your blog. Portland seems like a really weird place to live.

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  61. I don’t know what I love more, Adam, your fabulous artwork, your wicked crazy sense of humor, or that you so totally get how to portray our deliciously quirky town and its people. :D

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  62. Eve is a myth. I was told the mighty story of eve at night to help me sleep.

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  63. soooo, when is the portrait project coming?? i really want to order ooone! :)

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  64. You're supposed to put lost teeth in a glass of milk.

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  65. Holy crap, the more I visit this site, the harder I friggin' laugh!!! You, sir, have officially become, what we call in my native tongue, "bookmarked"... Right between my favorite torrent and pxrn sites!!! Feel special, my good friend! Until I post again!!!

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  66. Why would anyone put a loose tooth in perfectly good milk ... Ur mom and that cow worked hard to get u that milk so don't be hatin be appreciatin goodness gracious !

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  67. I must admit, I am missing one of my front teeth. In its place I wear a partial. It looks totally legit and no one would know unless I told them, but I can only imagine the HORROR that Eve underwent when she awoke to a toothless *squishy* place.

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  68. That reminds me, 4 of my premolars are somewhere in my car. Or at least they were. I mean, they're in a bag, and they were removed on purpose, but I should probably find them before someone else does.

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  69. This is the best thing I've read all day.

    Thank you for posting this gem!

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  70. Love the super squid drawing. If only you could befriend that squid. He looks like someone you'd want to have your back.

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  71. And now I've read all of your posts... this makes me sad. I will be forever grateful to theoatmeal for giving me a link to this little gem of a site yesterday. I now have 3 hours to sleep before I have to go to work... so worth it.

    Keep up the great work and keep the laughs coming man!

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  72. Why didn't she just put it in her pocket?

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  73. if you start having nightmares about climbing towers, she was a succubus... get rid of the tooth.

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  74. This is hilarious!It keep me reminding of someone have dentures that she cannot laugh well. But having dentures is better than having a tooth put back in.

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  75. It has been at least 2 weeks since this story was posted and so I demand you stay true to your word.

    I expect to see that thing silver plated and if not around your neck then on eBay soon.

    Alternatively I will pay you a sum of:
    $50 for the tooth
    $Value/Cost of the Silver Plating + $10/hour of your time having it done.
    $3 if chain is included. (More if exceptionally good chain)
    +$20 Bonus money for exclusive non auctioned sale or fee of your choice.

    I'm estimating around $200 but let me know and we will agree an amount

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  76. In all seriousness, if this story is true, I do hope you find her. She seems like quite the character.

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  77. I don't understand how you don't have a girlfriend, because all I look for in a guy is if he is like you.

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  78. Good god, that is disgusting.
    But it had me laughing the whole time.
    Wait, why would you even agree to take care of her tooth??!!

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  79. Ahaha as gross as that was, I have an odd respect for the girl. She just doesn't give a fuck.

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  80. Easy: next time you're at Jason's house, leave it on his shelf and wash your hands of it. Literally, because ew.

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  81. Didn't you quit your job do you could write more comics? Yeah that never happened. Dude it's been like almost a month!

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  82. So the question becomes.. does the tooth remain on the shelf?

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  83. Wow. That's like a level up from forgetting your retainer in restaurants.

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  84. ADAM! Please get your shit together and write another comic. I'm having withdrawals D:

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  85. You'd think one of her friends would have read this and said something, like I'm sure she wouldn't make a public comment about it, but I don't know. She probably just figures it's gone for good. Maybe she's too ashamed to ask for it back, thinking "Oh man not only does Adam think I'm weird, but so does EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET."


    In which case, Eve, please go get your tooth. We won't think anything bad of you for wanting to look normal again.

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  86. MY NAME IS EVE AND I WANT MY TOOTH BACK NOW.

    Damn blogger likes to reveal true names and stuff. Grrrrrrr.

    Hilarious post! I think you are my new favorite blogger, well, next to Stephanie at Clay Baboons who sent me over here in the first place.

    best,
    MOV (not "Eve", but my name is also 3 letters and has a "V" in it-- what are the chances?!?

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  87. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  88. I wonder if multiple "Eve"s will be asking for this tooth now...

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  89. "Girl, that's yer tooth." Seriously, it isn't fair how often I've said that to my fiends. Over brandy and cigars, I seem to have to calmly berate of of my compatriots over a casually flung tooth. "Good sir, please, taste this fine sausage imported directly from Spain," I'll say, "But, girl, that tooth."

    I have been, all joking aside, trying to use the phrase "Girl, that's yer tooth." at least three times a day. Thanks for that.

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  90. so for realsies, did eve ever claim her tooth?

    www.romanticallychallenged.net

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  91. Actually called EveOctober 24, 2012 at 4:38 PM

    I realise there are many people in the world with the name Eve, but it still feels a little weird to see it in one of your comics.

    Also, the "Your name's Eve! My name's Adam! Let's make endless, overused and often nonsensical jokes about this for the next four hours! Fancy an apple? LOLOLOLOL" conversation makes me want to shoot a kitten in the face and tie a rocket launcher to one of its jellified eyeballs.

    Hope you find this toothless beauty, Adam.

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  92. The girl with glasses and the cigarette reminds me of Velma (Don't know how to spell her name) from Scooby-Doo.
    As I say this, i wonder where you get your inspiration from..... weird.

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  95. I can't believe no-one has said this yet: "You can't HANDLE the tooth!"

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  96. Haha. I found this story funny. I am very happy to read.

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