Thursday, March 29, 2012

Things That Scare Me

When my mother was pregnant with me, she saw A Nightmare on Elm Street with my grandmother, a movie which terrified them both so badly that my grandmother was afraid my mother might have miscarried.

  scarymovie 

After the movie my grandmother urged my mother to go to a hospital. My mother declined, because she was wise enough to know that miscarriages are only caused by chromosomal abnormalities, immunological disorders, and witchcraft.

My personal medical knowledge is limited, but I believe this incident instilled an early appreciation for scary movies in me while I was still developing. I emerged from the womb with a carnal lust for fear and gore, and I've been chasing the craving ever since. By the time I was six I had a refined palette for horror and a discerning taste for what I liked. And what I liked was true, grisly horrornot cheap jumps. I hated being startled. I felt like that was cheating. Once my babysitter thought it would be funny to jump out of my closet and scare me. I screamed and instinctively shot my arm out in defense, punching her squarely in the bone zone.

 scarypunch 

I'm not down with being startled. If people startle me, crotches get pummeled. When I saw Scream 2 in theaters, I went around punching dicks and ovaries left and right. It's how I cope. Don't judge.

In my lifetime, few things have honestly scared me. I found Marge's voice in the first season of The Simpsons terrifying, and I live in constant fear of dolls coming to life and stabbing me to death, but the first time I experienced legitimate fear was in third grade when the school library purchased copies of those heinous Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books. The accompanying illustrations in those books were clearly designed to send children into terror comas. I firmly believe everyone born after 1975 has been permanently scarred by that series.

  scarylady 

A few years later those scars were freshly opened when my grade school screened Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory in installments during a week of heavy snowfall that made recess impossible. I might be in minority when I confess I found the bulk of the movie dreary and pointless, but there's one scene that made me freak the geek out. You know the scene I'm talking about. You know.

  scarywonka 

In short, Willy Wonka forces a bunch of candy-addicted children on a boat ride through hell. The children understandably flip their shit.

  E2EK
scarysnoz 
E1LM

The Wonka scene is one of a handful of scary experiences I've locked away in my mind, but it's not a vast collection. While I'm constantly hoping to be terrified into cardiac arrest, few things sincerely scare me. Off the top of my head I can think of only two: bees and zombies. Stop laughing. Let me explain.

First, bees are scary, y'all, and I turn into a child when I encounter them. Case in point: one summer day a wasp flew through an open window and landed on my coffee table (wasps are essentially bees with a bad attitude). I immediately booked it out of the room, then peered cautiously around the corner, quietly hoping it would fly away on its own accord. He didn't, so I had to consider alternative avenues. I took the rod from the shower curtain taped a drinking glass to the end of it, and from a safe distance I lowered the cup over the wasp.

  scarybee 

"Now I just have to wait a week for this thing to die," I thought. I couldn't wait that long, though. I also couldn't set it free because wasps are assholes and it probably would've flown back to sting me in the eyeball. I slid a piece of paper under the glass and then carried it to the freezer. Then for the next hour I nervously monitored the glass, waiting for the thing to stop moving.

  scarybeefreeze 

After it had finally frozen solid, I tossed it out the window. "It'll thaw out and fly away," I thought.

Bees and wasps are a manageable worry, but zombies are my one true fear. They horrify me because it's really not that crazy of an idea when you think about it, and I think about it a lot. Several years ago there was a fake news story that spread through the Internet, citing a new strain of malaria that caused people to die, then reanimate moments later and attack everyone around them. Part of the hoax claimed Condoleezza Rice was losing her marbles over fears that the new super-malaria might be used as a biological weapon against America, and after reading the article, I was ready to lose it right along with Condi.

  scarycondy

I have nightmares about zombies at least bi-monthly, if not more frequently. I'll wake up with a start, the grisly visage of a decomposing monster lingering like mist in my mind, and I'll have to spend the rest of the night with all the lights in my apartment turned on. It doesn't help that zombies are becoming more and more pervasive in popular culture.

A few weeks ago I was watching The Walking Dead while eating a burrito, and I became so distressed and entrenched in the episode, I had to stop eating completely.

  DTGB

When something causes me to neglect food, I know it's serious.

Sometimes I think about how I'd react should a zombie outbreak ever occur in real life. Fearful as I am of the living dead, I suspect I might actually do okay for myself in a post-apocalyptic wasteland. I'm pretty resourceful, I'm not entirely weak, and if it really came down to it I'd have no qualms using a child as a human shield.

  scaryzombies

I suppose the silver lining to a zombie outbreak is that bees probably won't survive in such a scenario.

131 comments:

  1. The illustrations for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark are being replaced in a new edition. I can't tell if I should be happy for later generations, or angry that they will avoid the nightmares.

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    1. Exactly. The image posted above is the EXACT image that, to this day, creeps my shit (thank you very much).

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    2. Me too! That particular story wasn't even scary, but just the picture alone is nightmare enough to keep you from spending the night anywhere new for at least three years without trying to do so with all the lights on and your eyes open. :p

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  2. I AM SO HAPPY. I too have a genuine terror of zombies and have never heard of anyone else who is as scared as I am.

    I'm actually considering visiting the zombie proof house someone made and doing a very thorough examination of every nook and cranny to satisfy whether it would actually prevent a zombie hoard attacking, and then buying the house off the current owner.

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    1. Yeah, you should definitely not feel alone in this. As a zombie aficionado I can tell you that I encounter more people who have a genuine zombie phobia than people who like zombie related entertainment.

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  3. Thought you might like to have the piss scared out of you.

    Enjoy the stuff that fuels nightmares.

    http://www.geekologie.com/2012/03/terrifying-new-25-wasp-has-jaws-longer-t.php

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  4. I wonder how you would react if you discovered zombie bees :(

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  5. Your wasp freezing experiment reminds me of how I used to experiment with toads. Dont worry, nothing violent. Mostly sexual.

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  6. OH my lord...when you said you were punching boners and ovaries...I about died! Thanks for that laugh.


    Oh and yes bees will survive...they are in cahoots with the zombies. How do you think they are going to spread the disease so fast?

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  7. Wait-WHAT?! Why is that lady zombie in the last picture naked? The male zombie obviously has a shirt on... and why am I the first to comment on this?!
    I'm perturbed.

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  8. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE! I have a serious fear of zombies and, well, maybe, dinosuars.... Now I just have to find someone who doesn't think I'm crazy.

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  9. I'm sorry to make you live in double-fear like this, but the bees would be fine in a zombie apocalypse. The zombies would not harm them, or the flowers they harvest nectar from. And if you are extra unlucky they might become ZOMBIE BEES D:

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  10. I did my best to avoid scary stories when I was younger. My sister did her best to tell me them.

    Now I know more creepy/scary campfire stories then any of my friends, so I guess she won.

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  11. In Wonka, the kids didn't know what was gonna happen during the boat scene, either. All they knew was that they'd be in a boat, and there'd be a fog machine. So it's safe to say you were all scared together.

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  12. I have done the SAME exact thing with the cup. I know the feels.

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  13. hahaha - the graphics are awesome. I think the Charlie one is my favorite. Is it weird I really liked that movie? I feel like I should be more disturbed by it in retrospect. Always look forward to your posts... makes me happy.

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  14. Dude, ALL The things you said your scared of scare me too! Zombies especially because it's NOT that far fetched. Also, wasps are the worst. And also, the illustrations from scary stories to tell in the dark FREAKED ME OUT SO BAD even though the stories weren't that scary! I mean, LOOK AT THIS THING! Holy eff!

    http://www.blogcdn.com/www.comicsalliance.com/media/2010/10/sc30ec5.gif

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  15. In case of Zombie Apocalypse, head for the Columbia Gorge. We can meet up and head for the mountains. It's your best bet for survival. FACT: Less people in high altitudes. FACT: I own 21 firearms.... we'll be okay :')

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  16. I love those Scary Story books, Willy Wonka, AND Zombies! We're completely opposite in the fear department. The only things I'm actually scared of are demons and tornadoes...

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  17. Haha, I'm sorry about your fear of bees! I used to be afraid of them until I started bee keeping for my job. Something about being in a bee suit makes you feel kinda invincible! It also helps that I'm not alergic at all so bee stings only hurt for a little while when I do get stung.

    Also, I share you terrifying zombie dream affliction...they freak the shit out of me. Makes me wish I could lucid dream.

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  18. Well I would suggest you head on over to ThinkGeek Adam and pick yourself up the zombie apocalypse ready Dead On Annihilator Superhammer. It is practially the super tool of the zombie apocalypse and should be in every persons zombie readiness kit :3

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  19. "If people startle me, crotches get pummeled. When I saw Scream 2 in theaters, I went around punching dicks and ovaries left and right. It's how I cope. Don't judge."

    That made my day!

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  20. I agree about the movies that jsut try to startle you and I put the slasher-type flicks in the same category. (Hehe, cate-GORY) But if the story can draw me in and then scare the crap out of me....mmmmm, that's better than bacon-flavored bacon!

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  21. I still have all the "Scary stories to tell in the Dark" books too and they scared the shit outta me then and still to this day...you should read the In the Land of Lawn Weenies" books theyre pretty awesome too.

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  22. HAHAHA! This post is the best one you've ever put up. I laughed the whole time. Because I can relate 100% to all of the things you're afraid of!

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  23. ONE. I almost peed myself at seeing the illustration from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. THAT ONE SCARED ME SO MUCH. Also The Thing. And there were a few others that did, too. *cries*

    TWO. I don't have a fear of bees or insects (except spiders, kind of), but OHMYGODZOMBIES. I'm so glad someone else has an irrationally HUGE fear of these things ..

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  24. I was talking about those Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books just a few hours ago! I was comparing them to the illustrations in Coraline, which are creepy but much less nightmare-material. I avoided those Scary Stories books at all costs as a kid, however I did have those "courageous moments" where I would try to flip through them without getting scared. But I would fail every time. Mean books.

    I also am not very fond of dolls and the thought of them hacking away at my knees and shins as I run away. I'm glad to hear someone else say it.

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  25. But there are zombie bees.
    http://news.discovery.com/animals/parasite-bees-zombies-010512.html

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  26. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that frequently thinks about zombie attacks. I still remember the first night I thought about it. If was after watching Shaun of the Dead...which isn't even supposed to scare you.

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  27. Yeah, about the bees...Yellow jackets are also flying-devil machines. Usually the winter frost causes the yellow jacket queens to hibernate and stop producing more yellow jackets. However, with this weak winter, the queens never hibernated. Thats right, extra surplus of yellow jacket bee-things. Enjoy!

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  28. So this is an article about a diseas that basically turns epople into zombies. Have Fun.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2120903/Mystery-nodding-disease-turning-children-zombies-Uganda.html

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  29. Scary Stories to Scare You ShitlessMarch 29, 2012 at 1:54 PM

    Seriously, the illustrations in those books were so much worse than the stories themselves. I knew there are a bunch of stories I still won't read (even though they probably aren't all that scary) because the illustrations are just fucking horrifying.

    Oh, and by the way, I'm 20 years old and that picture scared the bejeezus out of me.

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  30. Not afraid of zombies, but I am most definitely afraid of stingy insects. I got stung, IN THE MOUTH once by a wasp. It lived in the top frame tube of my swingset. I liked to yell through the swingset tube to announce my next circus act. Apparently the wasps didn't care for my announcements.

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  31. I know zombies! It could happen if someone made a super rabies or something that swells the brain and people go berserk. Though that would be more 28 days later or quarantine (though I did not make it through that one), less popping back to man munching life. I have had to stop watching The walking dead dew to having nightmares after every episode for a good few days, then just when I am good again, a new episode...

    One day in class a friend and I has a throw talk about what would happen if zombies attacked... seeing as we where studding in Cairo, we figured we where screwed. Now that I'm back in canada and on an island, I like my chances.

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  32. Dolls & clowns should be outlawed. There's just something completely NOT RIGHT about fake little humans whose eyes never close, and grown ups putting on so much makeup that they are unrecognizable to everyone they are supposed to be "entertaining" including children.

    Zombies? Carry a very large baseball bat and use cantelope for target practice.

    Bees? Just always have an arosol can of hairspray and a lighter at the ready.

    My purse is very huge.

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  33. Question: did you do the character drawing over here? http://www.dosomething.org/epic/quiz

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  34. Ugh. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. Those drawings STILL bother me, after all these years. I still have those books somewhere, waiting for me to unearth and haunt me with those things...

    And I had a cicada killer wasp get into my townhouse this past summer. I was alone. And needed to go somewhere, but it plopped itself in the middle of my interior staircase.
    In the end I had to run past it because it refused to move. Of course, it decided to get up and fly around the second I got past it. And it chased me around my apartment while I flailed wildly screamed like a little girl.

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  35. Your mom was pregnant with you when Nightmare on Elm Street came out? What are you, 12? Heh Heh. Awesome post. I'm a mortician, and I hate, hate HATE zombie movies. They give me nightmares. If I'm moving a body around, that bastard better STAY dead.

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  36. Oh my gooch, fucking amazing, how do you always make me pee myself laughing?

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  37. i have zombie nightmares! Spent the whole last year in college sleeping with the lights on! 30 years later, still my nightmare!

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  38. Lol awesome post xD!

    I love that your grandmother was worried that your mom would miscarry after watching Nightmare On Elm Street. That also scared me when I first saw it too. I didn't sleep for a while.

    The next scariest thing in my childhood were those "Scary Stories to tell in the Dark" books. My teacher used to read those to us during October. Those stories were SOOOO NOT for kids xD!

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  39. Dude, the bees would exist because it's built into the name. Zom-Bees. <--horrifying

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  40. I too was afraid of the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. My grandma got me the set of three for my birthday, and I was so disturbed by the artwork, I haven't picked them up since. But I'm not allowed to get rid of them. You know how that is.

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  41. legit, as i'm reading this, i'm watching a news story about a guy training "guard bees" to watch his property. you try to steal farmer brown's turnips, he's gonna set his killer bees after you. THIS SHOULD NOT BE A REAL THING.

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  42. I absolutely love horror movies and being scared.... I am concerned about the oncoming zombie apocalypse.. it's going to happen.

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  43. I am so terrified of Zombies someone would have to stand in the doorway and watch me as I ran to my car until I had security lights installed. Apparently the zombies in my world run away when faced with bright lights. Unfortunately my kids think its funny to turn them off when I'm halfway between the house and the car.

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  44. I'd like to get behind your campaign to eliminate jump scares and bees from existence. I have a wasp story from when we went to a wildlife preserve which ends in me running from a wasp, falling face first into the dirt and sliding along so far I give myself nerve damage in one leg. When I retell the story, invariably I tell it as me running from the wildebeest that literally chased me and then disappeared once I went arse over tit, then once I've gotten the suitable expressions of horror and sympathy I tag on a "everything I just told you was true, except for the wildebeest. It was a wasp. Thank you and goodnight."

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  45. Oh my sweet lord. I remember Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. My best friends and I would always check them out of the library for our Halloween slumber parties.
    Best and worst childhood memories right there.

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  46. The second I saw that picture from those books my stomach clenched. I was honestly dreading seeing The Horror of Page 31 on here... (For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about find the first book and look up page 31. My brother showed it to me first when I was 5. I watch the Walking Dead now all the time with no problem but the mental scars flare when I see that picture and I sleep with the lights on that night. Doesn't help that I sleep in the basement.

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  47. Thanks...
    I legitimately got a stomach ache from looking at that picture from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.

    Phew.

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  48. The "Fire Gang" from Labyrinth... For serious... :|

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  49. I totally understand the bee thing! They scare me like none other. Props for actually catching one. I would have ran out of the house for the rest of the day. Not kidding.

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  50. I am SO glad I am not the only one with all these fears. I'm not a huge fan of gore, but it doesn't stay with me like jump scares do. And Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark? Sweet Jesus, those pictures still give me nightmares. I used to fast forward through the trippy boat scene in Willy Wonka, mostly because of the creepy little song Gene Wilder sings. *shudder* And, as much as I love zombies, they scare the bejeebers out of me because I too think that the zombie apocalypse is in the realm of possibility.

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  51. What about Zombie Bees?

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  52. kickass animation!
    But Willy Wonka? Really?

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  53. There are actually bees called vulture bees that eat rotting meat. They'd probably stick around for the zombie apocalypse.

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  54. Oh my God, those books! Those illustrations were mindfuckinly horrific and so REAL when you're in the third grade.
    Thank you for reminding me, I know what new poster I want for my walls now.

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  55. Ohh my god, you're the first person I've ever heard of that has a fear of zombies besides myself. I'm in a abnormal psych class and my teacher let me know I have an actual phobia of them. Nope, hate them.

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  56. DOLLS! They are the most creepiest thing, when i lived at home my mum had to put all the dolls away so i could actually sleep. If there is ever a zombie apocalypse I probably just shoot myself....I wouldn't be able to handle the stress.

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  57. Putting a wasp in a freezer? That's genius. I just moved into my own apartment and my only thought has been "what if there's a bee/wasp/spider/moth in my apartment and I have no roomate to kill it?" Problem solved.

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  58. I remember reading Scary Stories To Tell In the Dark and screaming at the illustrations. They are haunting. I thought I was just weak but apparently I'm not the only one who was terrified of them

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  59. YES! Walking Dead! Burrito! It happened to me!

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  60. I literally have the exact same fears as you! When I saw Day of the Dead in my sophomore year of high school I didn't sleep for days. It still plagues me to this day.

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  61. or this little gem

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9nZRzLVsHCA/Thmak01odZI/AAAAAAAAAEc/6SdrBT1mdsE/s1600/20506793.gif

    In the 4th grade, I got in trouble for bringing the Horse Whisperer to school. But they sell these series at the Book Fair held on school grounds! Steamy cattle rancher sex never gave me the nightmares that reanimated murdered wives ever did.

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  62. The scary stories to tell in the dark illustrations are all terrifying and still creep me out, I wasn't expecting you to post that photo from one of the stories and it startled me.
    The Willy Wonka scene is terrifying, Marilyn Manson even did a music video copying it because he decided it was demented enough for his music. (I have always been a huge Manson fan though.)
    Also, Zombies are scary, but you know what's scarier? Animatronic Robots, you know, the ones all over Disney land and Chuck E Cheese? I still get uncomfortable being around those dammed things.

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  63. I cannot believe you'd put that monstrosity from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark in your comic; it terrifies me so much that I had to scroll past it with my eyes closed once I realized what it was. That's the ONLY illustration from those books I can't look at. I don't know why, but I just can't.

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  64. I have never in my life met someone with a fear like mine. I really really hate and fear zombies. My friends, on the other hand, think it would be just the coolest thing ever to have a zombie outbreak so they can go shoot people in the head! :/ As you can imagine, I am not as thrilled with that idea. I also have nightmares about zombies so I also think of awesome ass ways to zombie-proof my house. I have this shit planned. :)

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  65. Adam, please read this. It completely got rid of my fear of zombies. :) http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html

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  66. Adam,

    maybe this will lessen your fear, but zombies wouldn't last long in our world because they are constantly decomposing. So if you could outlive them for at max a week, they would be piles of reanimated corpse dust.

    Also you shouldn't be afraid of all bees. the fluffy ones are adorable, and as i learned as a child makes great pets because they don't have stingers and you can keep them under a coffee can and then release them and they don't come back "and sting you in the eye"


    sincerely yours,

    andorra starr

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  67. It is a relief to see that someone else is terrified of zombies, has regular nightmare about them, and hates that they're so popular right now. Also, fuck bees and wasps and hornets and all of them. I freak out in an embarrassing manner when one comes near me.

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  68. Well if you like being scared and you're afraid of zombies I suggest reading Zombie Hunters - it's a webcomic and it's awesome.

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  69. I have an unhealthy obsession with zombies. I have a plan. Everyone should have a plan.

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  70. I read The Stand in high school. It's my dream. No people. No zombies.

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  71. No way dude, bees will sting the zombies, and then the bees are gonna turn into ZOMbees. And they will fuck your shit up.

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  72. I'm totally terrified of spiders, sharks and lava. LAVA! I don't even live near mountains. Or an ocean for that matter...

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  73. Don't worry Adam,A zombie outbreak can never happen. When you die your cells die with you. Cellular death is cellular death. Why do you think there is no cure for frostbite? The cells died. Once dead there can be no reanimation. So you can sleep soundly. :)

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  74. When I come back as a zombie, I'm coming for you.

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  75. Lita and the boys in MelbourneApril 3, 2012 at 4:49 PM

    You HOPE the bees don't survive...but aren't they distant cousins to cockroaches or somethin'? You just know they're gonna make straight for you, right? By the way, your new (I've just seen it) photo is excellent. What a good looking fellow you are. Why you look all grown up, you do!

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  76. Zombies actually arent all that plausible. Well. Based on the extensive knowledge I've gained from trollling the internet: http://www.cracked.com/article_18683_7-scientific-reasons-zombie-outbreak-would-fail-quickly.html

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  77. Dude, bees would definitely survive. They'd thrive. Also, thanks for digging up memories of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark that I thought were dormant and harmless. That shit IS scary! I anticipate nightmares for weeks.

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  78. My roommate and I have plans for the zombie apocalypse. Just in case. They may or may not include the nearby Bass Pro Shop...

    Fun fact: when the male honey bee climaxes, his testicles explode and he dies. That's like having the most awesome superpower ever and only getting to use it once.

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  79. I have never been even half as terrified of anything in life as I am of fucking zombies! Please don't eat my brains...

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  80. Stephen Gammel is a genius and his work for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark deeply influenced my artwork. I can only dream of scaring as many people with my illustrations as he did. Best books ever.

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  81. Ok, love all your blogs, but this one made me laugh all the way through! My son does the same bee/wasp/insect thing where a paper cup gets put over the insect and then we are all told NOT TO TIP OVER THE CUP!! After a week it's usually safe to remove the cup and sweep up the now dead, shriveled insect. Which my son WON'T DO! Which leave me to sweep it up and toss in the trash. The only reason I allow this behaviour is because I too am scared of bees/wasps/etc. and if he's willing to cover them, Im willing to dispose of their bodies once they are dead!!!!

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  82. you're gonna be the first to die when the zombie apocalypse happens. sucks.

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  83. Okay, Bees and Zombies is a silly/wonderful music video you can see here...if you dare.
    http://youtu.be/3wdFY_XY4B4

    I love the whole thing, but this is my favorite line "wasps are essentially bees with a bad attitude." Now to poke around the whole site!

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  84. "When I saw Scream 2 in theaters, I went around punching dicks and ovaries left and right. It's how I cope. Don't judge." I love that.

    I too would be okay with using a child as a human shield. I've given thought to opening a daycare for just that purpose.

    --Reanna

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  85. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  86. I totally agree with you about the use of children in post zombie apocalypse world. I find all of the children in Walking Dead excellent zombie bait and can't for the life of me understand why anyone would like that Carl kid anyways. I also blogged about it. But I don't draw as well as you do.

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  87. Dream You should find Dream Me sometime during the Dream Zombocalypse. Dream Me has a wicked roundhouse and regularly kicks those bastards over balconies at the Congressional Library. It's like National Treasure meets Dawn of the Dead and I'm more badass than Chuck Norris, Wesley snipes, and Lou Ferrigno combined.

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  88. Oh my Adam those illustrations scared the hell out of me when I was little and to keep me from sleeping with my mom and dad in their bed she told me that those things lived in the hallways at night what great parents huh?

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  89. Dude, I get freaked the eff out by *previews* for scary movies. When given the option between a scary movie and a "thriller" titled Sanctum (perhaps you've seen it?) I chose Sanctum.... My mistake. That movie set off wave after wave of panic attacks and I still have nightmares about being trapped in an underground cave that's rapidly filling with water. Where was I going with this? Oh yes: scary movies! NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!! D-:

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  90. I love scary films, particularly zombie films. I have watched a lot of them and I think that if we have to choose between being taken over by zombies and taken over by vampires, we should wish for zombies.

    Zombies are easier to kill and frankly when they eat your brains it's nothing personal. Vampires are so snarky, and sarcastic and well dressed. I refuse to be killed by a well dressed vampire who says something cool and vaguely sexual before they kill me.

    Also my four year old just watched Willy Wonka, guess which scene he loves? Yes. Yes. The boat scene. He watches it over and over. Now that I don't get, I still find that scene disturbing.

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  91. Knew EXACTLY which scene you were talking about in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. Used to scare the absolute piss out of me.

    And you should have warned us readers before you displayed that heinous picture from that book series. I'm now going to have nightmares.

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  92. I love the walking dead! i love your posts! i love your animations! GAH SO.. MUCH.. LOVE!!!

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  93. I thought I was the only one terrified of those creepy Stories to Tell in the Dark illustrations...I still have nightmares about them

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  94. very inventive bee-catching strategy. I approve.

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  95. Whenever I see a scary movie I cannot sleep at night resulting in me keeping all the lights in my room on and not falling asleep.

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  96. I know it's probably an inappropriate response but upon discovering your blog I felt the urge to beg you to have my imaginary babies. Is that weird?

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  97. This is the first post of yours I ever read and I already love you. Bees and zombies man, fucking hate them both.
    Also, the illustration that terrified me the most was the one for the Bloody Mary story. Dear. Fucking. God.

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  98. Oh my God. People have always thought I was crazy for covering insects with glasses and then leaving them for a week to die, but I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one.

    This was hilarious!

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  99. I THINK WE SHOULD SAVE EACHOTHER DURING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. YOU DOWN? <3

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  100. I am THAT SCARED of bees too. Everything that flies and has a stinger is a 'bee' to me. They all suck equally in my book. Unfortunately I live in the UK now and have no window screens. Weekly, bees arrive in my living room with the sole purpose of stinging my face. I know it.

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  101. Hi there,

    So I discovered you on March 27th. I have a thing for cats and stumble upon brought me to your story about your big fat dumb kitty who drank anti freeze. (I don't think she's actually brain damaged some cats are just like that... my moms cat for example... the things head is now so disproportionate to its massive body it can't jump more than 6 inches.) LOVED your story, so I kept reading, and reading over the next 2 days. I read every story! It was great! Then magically when I had read them all 2 days later YOU POSTED A NEW STORY!! I was like YAY! More entertainment! It was meant to be!

    Anyways, that was March 29th and I feel so left out in the cold now, I've been checking every day or two for a new story, and it's been nearly a month. Judging by the dates on your other posts usually you're a little quicker. I understand it's probably because you're working on your book (which I intend to buy) if you keep writing these posts so my 'gap-out' of a brain doesn't forget about you in 2013.

    PLEASE MORE POSTS! Preferably about cats. =)


    P.S. If you've finally run out of stories I can give you a terrible one about 'coming of womanhood'. Well not really 'womanhood'... You'll see. (Since you made me laugh so much I hope this story gives you a chuckle... after reading it you'll see why I am still anonymous!)

    Backround: At this time I was 19-20 years old.

    I arrived home from my lame office job wearing my lame office clothes, with the most terrible urge to pee that I had fought the entire drive home. I was alone with the exception of my silent kitty and my dog who was still in her cage. Having to urinate so bad I ran to my closet, flailed around for a while, and managed to get my stupid dress pants off. NOW MY CHANCE TO HIGH TAIL IT TO THE BATHROOM! About 10 steps in I hear this loud sound, like a big SMACK sound. All I'm thinking is "WTF I'M PANTSLESS AND ALONE, WHO IS IN MY HOUSE?!" After dodging behind the couch and peeking out to check for safety, I decided I was nuts, there was no sound, and it's time for attempt #2 at hightailing it to the bathroom. About 15 steps in BAM loud sound! I'm freaking out looking around "OMG this is just like the movies, innocent girl alone in her house will now fall prey to the horror movie murderer... EEK!" I started off towards the bathroom again, when I realized, the sound came from ME. It was me! BECAUSE I was pantsless. Apparently, as you turn into a 'woman' you start to get fat. My thighs were getting fat. The combination of my lack of pants and fast walking pace caused my thighs to thunder together and create a roaring SLAP sound. Yep, just freaked out, terrified myself, from my OWN THIGHS clapping together. Ahhh coming of womanhood, it only sucks more and more as time goes on.

    Hope you laughed! =)

    At least it wasn't a period?

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  102. Totally with you on the bees (and wasps, hornets, etc.), man. Scare the bajeezus outta me.

    No problems with zombies, though. My real problem is with CLOWNS. FUKKEN CLOWNS, MAN.

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  103. So with you on the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books! Those pictures still creep the hell out of me.

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  104. A couple of days ago I was at a sleepover with my friend,Katie. But around midnight she whipped out her three "Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark" books. She skipped to the story "The Window" and said "Oh I can't even LOOK at this picture! Here look!" And I FREAKED out and shoved the book away from my face and was too afraid of the monster with the glowing yellow eyes to sleep in the bed I had picked early. (Of course I had to pick the bed next to the WINDOW!!) Needless to say I fell asleep on the floor and Katie and her friend, Renee, picked me up and put me in "the scary bed" with the picture next to my face.....

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  105. ZOMBIES TERRIFY ME!!!!!! I once read this whole zombie book with the goriest illustrations ever... in an unfamiliar house... alone... at 2 in the morning. I set up a fort made from couches and a piano and curled up in the fetal position with every knife in the house, an aluminum bat, and rifle in hand. I nearly took my Dad's head off when he walked though the door.

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  106. Just last week I was telling my mom how Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is some scary shit. She was all 'Its a kids movie' And I was all, yeah, so is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and that shit is Messed Up! She tried to convince me that CCBB wasn't scary. Dude, its about a town where the kids are all kidnapped, forced to live in the sewers under the city. As if living in sewers isn't bad enough, they have to make toys for the evil king to play with. They don't get to play with the toys. They just make them and then have them taken away. Fucking Bullshit Fascists.

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  107. I would just like to say that as I child Willy Wonka scared the bejesus out of me. I had a reoccurring nightmare about it. Actually it was about the kid. He was stalking me. I'm glad I'm not the only one that it terrified!

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  108. My mother saw The Exorcist when she was pregnant with me. I can pretty much pinpoint that it all went wrong from there.

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  109. Zombies- I know, could TOTALLY HAPPEN, amiright!? Good to know I'm not alone in my fears...

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  110. Nice to know I'm not the only one who freaks out over bees and wasps! I can manage to only just slightly hyperventilate if one goes near me, but I turn into a blubbering 3 year old if one lands on me.

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  111. If you want something truly terrifying (no jump scares, from what I remember), watch Inland Empire. I also hate jump scares and am more into scary things that just shake you to the core. And this shook me. It shook me hard. I couldn't sleep. I hope you won't sleep too. HAVE FUN WATCHING.

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  112. There is a picture book for young children that has the same illustrator as the scary stories to tell in the dark booka. It is called Witch Mama or something like that and I as a 23 year old cannot look at the pictures. The worst part of the books was that quite a few of the stories were real and then it made me think about the pictures being real and holy smokes there will be no sleeping tonight.

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  113. There is a picture book for young children that has the same illustrator as the scary stories to tell in the dark booka. It is called Witch Mama or something like that and I as a 23 year old cannot look at the pictures. The worst part of the books was that quite a few of the stories were real and then it made me think about the pictures being real and holy smokes there will be no sleeping tonight.

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  114. Watched the Exorcist when I was nine or so even after my brother warned me not to. I have still yet to see a movie that has had that effect on me.

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  115. Pro tip: spray bee/wasp with hair spray. I know you have hair spray!

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  116. when i was 8 i wached some zombie movie i dont remember what the fuck it was about but in the atic i made a selter with lots of pixy stixs for food.i had put the dogs in there and a barbie i found to see if i could make alot barbie dog things to protect me from zombies also the cat that thout it was dog and a nother barbie to make a cat human barbie hair tasting thing for the zombies to eat. "the barbies were bald becuss the stray cats ate there hair when i left them outside"

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    Replies
    1. i missed "a lot of and shelter

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  117. bees and zombies are the most horrifying things imaginable. ^^^ and for the hairspray thing, it doesn't always work. A wasp tricked me that way, the sneaky bastard. Needless to say I ran around like a chicken with its head cut off before I fell. And then it still stung me.

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  118. Oh help me...Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and that damn tunnel scene!

    Brutal to a young mind. As if tunnels and paddleboats in and of themselves aren't terrifying enough...

    Add in centipedes and chicken decapitation and a smirking Gene Wilder and god knows what else my mind has blocked out and now I can't walk through a dark hallway without screaming "Make it stop Daddy!"

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  119. Dude.......Zombie bees. They'd never die, you'd squash them and they'd keep coming back.

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  120. Oh, man. I'm wiping away tears. This story made me laugh my head off. Good one, Adam! Love your sense of humor and art style.

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