Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I Need a Cat

Over New Year's weekend I stayed with a friend in Vancouver. She has two cats.

The night before New Year's Eve I was sleeping soundly on my stomach when I faintly noticed one of the cats climb onto the bed and situate itself on my butt.

needcat01

For several moments it simply sat there. I expected it to settle and fall asleep, but this did not happen. Instead, the cat began to convulse rhythmically as if someone had switched on some techno music.

catbarf

I knew the cat's heaving would soon lead to cat barf being spewed all over my back. Suddenly wide awake, I violently twisted my body, flinging the cat off the bed, and not a moment too soon. The stench of cat vomit filled the room and my nostrils before the poor feline even knew what was happening.

needcat02

I kicked my friend awake and gagged dramatically as she cleaned up the barf. The whole thing should've been enough to set me off pet ownership forever, but it somehow triggered the opposite reaction. On the contrary: all I can think about in 2012 is how badly I want a cat.

I've owned cats in the past, but I find myself in a period noticeably lacking in animals. It's a shame, because I'm a pretty awesome pet owner. For starters, I don't puss out when a cat gets rough with me. When playtime turns into a killing game, I'm willing to let a cat go to town on me, no matter how much blood is shed. That's commitment.

needcat06

Secondly, I don't make a fuss when cats plant themselves on my computer keyboard. I totally wouldn't mind a cat sleeping in my hands while I try to blog. Hell, I'd probably enjoy it. My apartment is cold, so it would probably help matters. In fact, I'd like to surround myself with cats. I want cats everywhere.

needcat05

There are two obstacles in my quest to gain feline companionship. The first is that my building doesn't allow pets. This is, of course, incredibly unfair. If you Google "Least Free Countries in the World" the number one result is my apartment. I briefly considered trying to smuggle a cat into the building, but I'm not certain how I'd go about this, save for a wacky scheme à la Little Rascals.

needcat07

I lamented my building's profoundly unjust pet policy to my mother, but she had no sympathy for me.

needcatmom

The second obstacle I'm facing is that I'm ever so slightly allergic to cats. And by "allergic" I mean I hate getting cat hair on my clothes, which is basically the same thing. It only takes a few cat hairs to send me into a frantic tailspin of distress.

needcat09

Compounding the issue is that no matter how often I take a lint roller to my clothes, my beard attracts cat hair like a vacuum, and I can't very well take a lint roller to my face. In reality I doubt much cat hair is coming in contact with my face, but it feels like my beard has doubled in size whenever I'm around animals.

needcat08

The dilemma of cat hair can be circumvented, of course. Short of getting a cat and shaving all its hair off, I think the best plan of action would be to simply get a hairless cat. There's a place in Portland that breeds Sphynx cats, and while I'm normally a staunch advocate of animal rescue, my case requires special needs. And since it's clearly a medical issue, maybe insurance will cover it. Does Kaiser Permanente buy designer cats for their clients?

Once I overcome the guilt of buying an expensive pet, I think owning a Sphynx cat would be pretty great. They're weird and wrinkly and they look sort of bitchy, like Donatella Versace in feline form.

needcat03

needcat04

So I can't get a cat right now, but so what? I feel it'll happen in the near future, so at the moment I'm trying to plan and brainstorm. Pet supplies are the most pressing matter, and they're easy enough to acquire. While recently browsing pet supplies on Amazon, I learned that they now have robotic litter boxes. This sounds brilliant to me, as cat poop is on my "list of things never to touch," along with centipedes and Courtney Love. I can't imagine a cat would ever feel comfortable using one, though.

needcat10

Electronic cat boxes seem a bit lazy to me, though. How long until Amazon is selling actual robots that will take care of your cat for you?

B65D

Of course, anything that poops in a box can't have super high standards, so why not buy it an electronic litter box?

Once supplies are squared away, that leaves cat names. If I get a Sphynx, I feel like I should give it a completely stupid name to offset the high price. I'd need to keep my cat grounded with a name like Snurgles von Fartface or Maddox Jolie-Pitt.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I might take it one step further and put my cat to work doing something mundane, like when rich parents make their teenagers work at McDonalds so they can develop a work ethic before their trust fund kicks in and they forget how to even spell the word work. It's the same with pets, right?

needcat11

Maybe in a few months I'll be blogging about knitting cat sweaters and asking people on Twitter what kind of organic cat food is easiest on a Sphynx's digestion, in which case I hope someone will slap me and tell me to get my act together.

147 comments:

  1. Oh. Yeah. This is perfect.

    "Asian Dwarf Octuplets."

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  2. Most people don't know this about Sphinx cats: They are greasy buggers. Instead of hair, you get cat grease patches. Not that they are terrible animals, but I prefer fur over grease.

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  3. I, too, am suffering from a situation where I really, really want a cat but cannot have one yet. To make matters worse, my friend just got *two*. Now, that's just not fair in my book.

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  4. We purchased one of those robotic poop scooper litter boxes. Our cat was not on board with this decision. To show us how much she appreciated this upgrade she peed on my husband while he way lying on our bed.

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  5. I can see it now.... Adam the Crazy Cat man (surrounded, of course, by Sphynx cat's so as Not to double his beard size...) This made me laugh quite hilariously.

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  6. You are a crazy cat lady's dream man. I wish my boyfriend was happy with my plan to adopt 5+ cats.

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  7. Cats are disgusting.

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    Replies
    1. Totally agree, we have one and never again...Eat, sleep and poop, lots of poop....They lick there butt all day then think you are going to let them lick you...NAAA.

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  8. As far as getting the cat into the no pets nazi apartment...I've had experience in this regard...it was in a dorm room but still! We snuck the cat past the sign in desk by putting it in a big cooler and running frantically up the stairs. Of course, one must be careful not to hit any wall corners with the cooler...the cat doesn't really appreciate that and tends to let out an incriminating meow at that point.

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  9. You can always create cute things with your cat hair:
    http://www.etsy.com/listing/68608360/felt-wool-cat-goods-made-from-your-own?ref=sr_gallery_5&sref=&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=cat+hair+book&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=supplies&ga_facet=supplies

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  10. Be sure to research Sphinx cats...their hairless genetics make them extra greasy, thus requiring baths, which (hairless or not) no cat will do without a battle. They also tend to be inbred and less healthy.

    I think you should just get over the cat hair fear and do the noble thing and adopt. Perhaps a shorthair, for your sake.

    Or become a real man and get a dog. ;)

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  11. Well, to fulfill your need of animals in your life without breaking the rules in your building, why not volunteer at a local animal shelter or something? You get to play with all the fuzzy kitties without having to try to come up with some scheme to sneak one in. :)

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  12. My mom and I had a robotic litter box, and it did work well. However, one of our cats' scheming got the better of it. He never did like it, as the motor noises scared him. His resolution was to pee exclusively on the exposed poop rake, and the massive amounts of clumped litter would effectively cement the rake in place.

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  13. Automatic litter boxes are a pain. Seriously, they get clumped up and then you have to take them apart and clean up the dried lumps of urine and fecal matter out of the sifters. We used to breed cats and we've tried everything to make our lives easier, but an automatic box isn't one of them. Also, if you keep up with the grooming of your cats, the hair doesn't get bad. Once or twice a week just brush your cat. There will still be hair, but it won't be terrible. You can get around hair on your clothes with plastic clothing bags and lint rollers. Look at Abyssinians, we used to have some and they were amazing pets. They're a short haired breed and super dee duper awesome!

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  14. Automatic Litter boxes are GREAT! (Except when you have cats who like to chew on cords :-P ) The one one you drew is more like the litter genie that attaches to the plumbing. I'm a little nervous to go there, but my cats take to the electric litter box just fine (especially the cords :-P )

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  15. "Snurgles", "Maddox", it's whatevs. X-D

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  16. My freshman year of college we kept a kitten in our room for awhile. It was pretty little when we found it, so we just wrapped it in a jacket and carried it in.

    Maybe you should look into a devon rex? They're short-haired and don't shed very much at all.

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  17. Be careful with those electronic cat boxes. The one that you depicted looks an awful lot like that one that hooks up to your drainpipe and "blow-dries the reusable cat litter". Which means whatever cat poop is not scooped out, will get blasted by intense heat and make your house smell like burning cat crap.

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  18. Just toilet train your cat. My friend did it, so I can attest to the fact that it will also serve to confuse the hell out of guests during the actual training.

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  19. The entire thing had me rolling, and then I saw "Toilet Babies" and lost it. AHHAHAHA

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  20. Awesome. Good luck, whatever you decide. I think the Sphinx cats are a little freaky, but I doubt that would stop you. In the meantime, just get one of these: http://www.japantrendshop.com/dream-cat-venus-yume-neko-robotic-cat-p-681.html?language=en&utm_source=googlebase_en_USD&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=googlebase_en_USD

    It's expensive, requires no litter box and will freak everyone out.

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  21. get a guinea pig, much easier to sneak in and keep secretly, I did this at uni...along with a hamster. Less hair shedding too

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  22. ewww, those cats are SO gross! Don't get one, please.

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  23. Oh Adam, you never fail to make my day a little brighter with your blog posts.
    "I'd need to keep my cat grounded with a name like Snurgles von Fartface or Maddox Jolie-Pitt."
    Perfection, lol.

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  24. S&M Sphinx scares the crap outta me:
    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_wg2mnzIH9mI/TBk_ioI1uwI/AAAAAAAAB-Y/ly3-iW5YJI8/s1600/Amazing+Tattooed+Sphynx+Cats++4.jpg

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  25. Yes, Sphynx's get oily, but in my experience, they are the friendliest breed of cat I've met - even out-friendly-ing Maine Coons. And his body temp runs high, so it's nice having him sleep on my feet on cold winter nights in front of the computer. To combat the greasiness, I wipe mine down about once or twice a week with hypoallergenic baby wipes. He loves it. Then I bathe him about once a month. Use warm, slow-running water, the sound of water spray is what scares him. Awesome litterbox: http://www.petco.com/product/106008/Tidy-Cats-Breeze-Litter-Box-System.aspx

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  26. Okay, I'm ready to marry you now. Let's go.

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  27. Sphynx cats are amazing! Mine recently died, but she was beautiful and snuggly as hell. I highly recommend them.

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  28. My brother's piano teacher had a hairless cat. She was also not very big on turning on the lights in her house. You'd be waiting in the dark to pick him up from his lesson and see it peering at you from under a couch....it was like having Gollum as a pet.

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  29. Get a short hair (mine barely sheds) and the litter kwitter! My cat goes on the toilet. Yeah, my cat is amazing. I am pretty sure Jack off Jill wrote that song about my kitty.

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  30. "Of course, anything that poops in a box can't have super high standards..."

    Interesting observation. Until we invented indoor plumbing, bathrooms used to be a hole in the ground and we built the box over it. Now we just poop in a refillable bucket of water. Considering Jersey Shore is still on the air, I'd say our species doesn't have very high standards either.

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  31. Problem with that shedding pussy?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAQjF5RPgbg

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  32. My roommate owns an electronic litterbox for our cats and from experience, it usually ends up being more work than just a regular box. Plus they're really noisy and you can only buy specific brands of litter for it.
    On the other hand, if you want to take the time, toilet training cats is easier than it sounds.
    Plus a drawing of a kitty on a toilet would be adorable.

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  33. YOU WERE IN VANCOUVER? I WAS IN VANCOUVER!

    I just wanna hang out and bask in your glory...

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  34. I'm more of a dog person than a cat person, although I do have a cat, she is pretty much the only cat I like. She was originally my brothers, now he hates her and joins with my dad in plotting her death while my mom and I insist that it is wrong to kill her and that she is a good kitty. I am currently in college, but frequently visit home on the weekends, some my roommates and I really want a dog, but we aren't allowed to have one and if we were I think we would have a hard time deciding who would get it at the end of the year.

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  35. Reading the above comments about the greasy hairless cats, a long hair is better than a short hair. Short hair cats loose their hair separately at least with a long hair it falls out in balls.
    By the way you can switch places with my boyfriend, I have two and has been told I am not allowed to bring home anymore cats.

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  36. Actually, cats can be VERY picky about their litter boxes. You're best getting a litter box with a removable top (in case they do or don't like it). They sell filter-like bags you can place in the litter box so that when its time to clean it, you pick up the netted part and it only picks up the poop and chunks and leaves leftover litter.

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  37. hahaha. i would die if i didn't have my 3 kitties. and depending on the cat, it wont shed much. i have a long-haired cat that i don't even have to brush 'cus she barely sheds.

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  38. Get a Russian Blue. Like a poodle they don't shed.

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  39. I want a Devon Rex cat so much. They are perfect! I'm always scared to openly tell people that I want a cat though. It feels like 98% of peole are dog lovers and they judge me!!!

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  40. You should probably name your cat, "Helmet".

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  41. This may very well be my favourite story by you so far. I laughed out loud more than once.

    When we got our dog, he was a 20 pound puppy. We smuggled him in and out of the apartment in a gym bag. It worked so well that we had to move within the first week.

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  42. When I was in a hospital my parents attempted to sneak in my cat in a gym bag during a visitation. It worked well, until the final check point a nurse looked inside. They let it slide though and gave my dad props for the idea!

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  43. awesome post. It's amazing how many people here have potty trained their cats. As for a hairless cat, go for it. My friends are getting one named Dobbie after the Harry Potter character.

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  44. Ew. Doo not get a Sphynx. They look like trolls. Just bring Emmy and/or Lola back into your living arrangements! :)

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  45. I love your reference to the Little Rascals... Best movie

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  46. I think that Sphynx cats look like Anjelica Huston when she peeled off her skin in The Witches. So, if you think about it, they're really kind of awesome. Do it.
    Also, does Toilet Babies=I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant?

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  47. Dude, I have 2 Sphynx and they are awesome. Males are the best as they are more personable and will not leave you alone. Yes, some of them are oilier than others, but if you ask the breeder for a cleaner one they should have no problem. Neither of my cats like water so i just give them a wet-rag wipedown. Luckily the female is the one that leaves the stains and she spends most of her time on top of the television.

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  48. What about a smaller pet, like a rat or a rabbit?

    Rats are totally cute and have LOADS of personailty, if you can get over their fat scaly tails.

    And rabbits are very affectionate, clean and don't smell as bad when they poop.

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  49. Rabbits are freaky. Don't get one. They will pee nowhere but on your bed. Google it.

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  50. The Sphynx kinda looks like David Bowie. Picture waking up to him barfing on your back.

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  51. I don't really know why people say Sphynx cats are greasy. I have two of them, and they aren't the tiniest bit greasy. Just very soft and wrinkly like an old grandma' :) By the way, awesome cats overall, highly recommended.

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  52. I just have to say this is the best thing I've seen all day, and the expression on the cat in the last image is scarily accurate of how my sphynx looks when I try to get her to do anything.

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  53. 13th paragraph down I think you should change "right now" to "right meow".

    Yes, I totally counted paragraphs just to make this comment...

    I regret nothing!

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  54. I just read your entire blog instead of doing my reading or homework for class tomorrow, which is really today because it's 2:39 in the morning. I still don't feel bad about my procrastination. I probably will in the morning though.

    Also don't get a sphynx cat. They look like demons. Or maybe that's why you should get one...

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  55. I've had many similar experiences with my late kitty, named Aria. She had digestive issues and threw up her food almost every other day consistently for 13-14 years. And often in my bed. Eurgh.

    Another time my cat was cleaning herself loudly on my pillow, in my ear at some ridiculous hour (4 AM ish) and driving me batty. Irritated, I drifted in and out of sleep for probably 5 minutes before I realized her "cleaning myself" noises were much louder and rough sounding than usual.

    I sat up and leaned over the edge of the loft bed to grab my glasses off of the bookshelf next to me and turn on the bedside lamp. After shoving them on my nose, I squinted at my pillow, and after a full minute of staring, comprehension dawned--she was cleaning a dead mouse carcass next to my face on my pillow.

    My little sister said my strangled yell was funny enough, but she'll "never forget" the loud *THUD* I made when my flailing body hit the floor.

    And landed in cat puke.

    On a side note, try to avoid falling out of loft beds, especially if you have hardwood floors. I couldn't sit on my tailbone properly for weeks!

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  56. As a Sphynx owner I must say, they are AWESOME. Yes they can be a bit greasy but that's what baths are for. I rarely give my cat a bath because he's not greasy at all. They do get cold and a nice warm spot for them to sit is important...Of course that can be your lap. I love my cat OZ more than I ever expected...he's a companion and jester all in one.
    Also, please pick a responsible breeder, references, references, references! It took me a while to find a breeder that I truly trust. My cat is fat, healthy and has a great personality! It's also hilarious to make fun of the wrinkles under his front legs...he looks like he's wearing a clam-shell bra...I can imagine all the drawings are stories that you would have owning a cat like this.

    <3

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  57. OOoooh I have note about a cool thing. petfinder.com lets you search though pets that need to be rescued for a specific breed! We found our persian cat though the site and he is lovely and stupid.
    Speaking persian cats, they don't typically shed either.

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  58. Adam you are probably one of the funniest men on the planet! your blog posts never cease to make me laugh heartily. I may have a solution for you. Get a black bengal. Then are hypoallergenic, and non shedding ( well no more then a human) and its black!! Its a pain when you forget to roll off your black pants or sweater before you leave the house and you look like you have been rolling around in a group of sheep. my friend has one and the black pants look lint free when i leave.. and there wicked fun.. see its a win win!

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  59. Awww...hope you get a kitty (or two) soon.

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  60. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19Ha0D-iuVk&feature=share

    Bath time for the hairless kitten! Sooo cute!

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  61. My wife and I have 3 cats and zero regrets. The idea of a robotic litter box sounds amazing to me because I do the litter. Always. And Im nerdy enough to own a roomba and like it.

    Two of them are "mine". Brothers raised around a dumb dog and for some reason this is the recipe for perfect cats because they are super loyal, goobery, independent, affectionate, smart. Basically like cat huskies just not as sleek looking.

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  62. Time will tell.

    Also, isn't it kind of unwise to leave a cat unattended with fabric?

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  63. I demand a shirt of the Sphynx slaving away on the sewing machine. I demand it.

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  64. What is it with the correlation between comic artists and cat lovers?

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  65. Ahahaha, I love this. My friends call me the pied piper of cats because I bring ALL the cats home. Personally, my long haired cat, Spencer is much easier to keep clean hair-wise. It gathers in little balls when he cleans himself which are a lot easier to remove from your stuff. He is also the cleanest and my other two are short-haired! I hope you get a kitty to enjoy!

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  66. I have the robo litter box, it's actually the same one you drew. My cat uses it and loves it!

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  67. Hilarious, Adam! I own two normal house cats and I think the probability of cats accepting the robot litter box is 10 % at best. Here in Germany we have a product called Catsan Smart Pack, it´s basically a scratch-proof pack ready-filled with cat litter that you can just substitute for a new one every couple of days, it´s a bit more expensive than normal litter but a lot more convenient! As for the cat hair: Be am man and live with it. Owning a cat without wanting the hair is like going to the beach but hating the sand. By the way in Japan they have cat cafés now where you can just cuddle your feline friends over a latte, since most apartments are too small to own pets. Business idea for you, maybe? Good luck and keep us posted.

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  68. Bloody dog lovers invading the comments.

    You can come visit me Adam! I have two cats. One is the friendliest cat you will ever meet, and the other is fat, grumpy, and a constant source of entertainment. She will do nearly anything for treats. Sometimes, if you feed her a treat and pet her tummy at the same time, she will growl as she is chewing; it is the best noise you will ever hear.

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  69. Did I miss the blog post about Lola dying? Because you could get her to live with you.

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  70. We have two cats! A black one and a white one which means that I am completely buggered when it comes to cat fur on clothes!!

    I love my cats but I don't love it when they decide they want breakfast at 5am on a Saturday morning! Wanting breakfast involves...(in no particular order) purring, walking round your head, yowling, pushing things off the bedside cabinet to make a noise, sniffing your eyes, poking with paw and, I kid you not, opening the curtain. One of our wee furry buggers has figured out how to open the curtains so that light streams in (ok, so in winter that is not so bad but come summer...). You sure you want a cat?

    C x

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  71. yay end petlessness!! i say get a cat anyway....they're quiet :)

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  72. adam maybe you need to get one of these ha ha
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Ceyo0_k9AEw

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  73. Yo, I take lint rollers to my boyfriend's face all the time to groom the cat furs out of his beard (my thumbcat likes to sleep on his back when he stays here, and he's actually allergic. eye explodey allergic. so if he sees this thing about cats puking on your back in your sleep he will probably break up with me.)
    He says the lint roller only hurts a little, but he says that while wincing soooo...maybe worth a shot?

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  74. lol. that fourth picture with the cat eating your arm. story of my life. its totally how i am with my kitties.

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  75. Other then the beard thing, you are me a year ago. What I did? I went ahead and got the cat anyway, was never "caught" by my landlord, and moved to a pet friendly apartment when my lease was up. Now I have a second cat. But they are so warm and fuzzy it makes up for all the bloodshed and lint rollers. my point is you should get two so they have a friend. First cat is noticeably happier with new friend to wrestle

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  76. I had a street tomcat climb into my rented room at night and rape my landlady ladycat.
    The noise is pretty amazing.
    When it froze he'd climb into my bed and cut me to ribbons.
    He fell from the roof a year later.
    I stil miss that flyball Binky and I'm allergic too lol

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  77. At the risk of sounding like a cheap advertisement (which I'm not), the litter box solution is the Omega Paw. It's not electronic but you never have to touch the poop (or urine clumps, if you're using a clumping litter formula.) You just roll it to one side, it filters out the chunky bits into a tray, which you then remove. Easy and it was the best $30 I've ever spent.

    Also, don't forget that you can totally find purebred cats in shelters. I mean, a petfinder.com search brings up only two sphinxes (both of which are near me, but nowhere near you), but the selection changes regularly. So don't discount it yet.

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  78. What you need, my good sir, is a dog. Xzhibit A: http://underwaterbreedingapparatus.blogspot.com/2012/01/dog-one.html

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  79. http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=23816

    I read your blog post then ten minutes later saw this graphic. I think you should print it out and hang it up somewhere. Just saying.

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  80. You could solve the cat hair problems by getting a terrycloth jumpsuit for your soon-to-be Sphynx. I can sew one right up for you (belt optional).

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  81. OMG I blogged about this EXACT same thing, and "no pets allowed where i live' and "allergies" are two of the main reasons I don't have a cat right now too! http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2012/02/one-day-i-hope-to-own-cat.html

    I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who actually yearned for a cat. I want.

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  82. Did you know you can toilet train your cat? I have two and its always funny when you go to take a dump and the cat beat you to it. Then you have to wait. But it beats having to buy litter, touch poop, or spend a ton of funds on an automatic one! :) Best of luck!

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  83. Just discovered your blog... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand you're my hero.

    We trained our cat to use the toilet. Pretty sure he hates us for it.

    Get a cat. Seriously. Sneak it in Lil' Rascals style.

    www.oddbutnice.com

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  84. I used to have a Spynx cat! They can be a little greasy )like the first comment said) but it wasn't a problam. They are supposed to be 'inside' cats but ours would go out for almost days on end xD. Hope you get one - they are awesome!!!!

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  85. Cat's have the ability to be adorable despite having the strangest behaviors. I am reminded by this fact everyday.

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  86. I am glad Jaana Nystrom pointed this out to me..Nice post..

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  87. A few important things to note. My friend has a sphynx and they are a hassle to take care of. They often get skin conditions and need to be bathed often. If you do get an electronic cat litter box, make sure to get a good one. We had one for a day when my cat took a crap so big it killed the motor. Good luck.

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  88. Somebody said something about toilet training a cat. Sounds great in theory, but when the cat gets old, it's bad because they can hurt themselves. Even worse, they won't be able to make it onto the toilet and end up going on the floor. Litter boxes are a lot more humane.

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  89. I am CRYING laughing over the panel with the cat heaving! I call that "horking" or "horkening" in my home of two cats.

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  90. I think you should get a Singapura. Their one of the cooler cat breeds.

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