Wednesday, December 21, 2011

The Yellow Beast

Bear with me while I explain something about myself. It's relevant to the story I intend to tell, I promise.

It takes a lot to get me out of bed. Upon waking, I require at least 20 minutes to fully gain alertness and become aware of my surroundings. In this way I am not unlike a drunk, passed out sorority girl. The world might be ending around me and I'd barely take notice. Nothing warrants a coherent response from me unless an Americano is administered intravenously.

Let's say Emma Stone were to call me bright and early in the morning with urgent news (hey, it could happen).

balloon01

Her proposal would barely register with me.

balloon09

Most likely I would mumble a made-up excuse about my body being covered in tumors or having just been hit by a car, then hang up and drift off back to sleep in my warm and cozy cocoon of blankets.

AOPL

Sleep is like a drug to me, and no alien-eyed Hollywood starlet is going to steal it from me. If I could figure out a way to eat and sleep at the same time, I'd be in heaven. Unfortunately I can't weasel a prescription for Ambien out of my doctor, so I'm forced to separate my vices.

If I'm being honest, I'm probably a little too fond of sleeping. Truth be told, I generally don't organize my time in the best manner. This pie chart aptly illustrates how I might spend a typical Tuesday:

balloon06

Of course, as with any drug, my glorious sleep sessions come with a price. For instance, I've been known to talk in my sleep. Just last week a friend notified me that during a nap I'd told her, "If I died in Iraq and they flew my body home, I wouldn't want my casket draped in the American flag. I'd want them to cover it in a quilt made by a pioneer woman." While this habit is more peculiar than alarming, I live in constant fear that I'll divulge some deep dark secret while I slumber.

Aside from my unconscious chattering, my main concern is that all too frequently my dreams trickle into my waking moments. This can be unsettling because as I mentioned, I have a difficult time making sense of the world in the moments after waking up. Once I was dreaming about spiders, and upon waking could've sworn I saw a giant spider dangling above my bed.

balloon04

It didn't register that the spider had been a remnant of a dream until several minutes later, and by that time I was huddled in the corner, wide eyed and terrified.

The zenith of my disoriented sleep episodes occured a few years ago while I was home from college one summer. The morning was creeping towards noon and I was still fast asleep in bed when a loud hissing sound from outside my window startled me awake. Groggy and confused, I rolled over and gazed out my window. Terror instantly grabbed hold. Something massive and yellow was heading for my house, appearing to collide at any moment. Since I have terrible eyesight without my contacts, I couldn't make out the details of the object, but I could tell that whatever it was, it was almost as large as my house itself and it was making an awful racket.

The sudden appearance of the monstrosity triggered an immediate fight-or-flight response in me. I hurled myself out of bed.

balloon07

I clamored down the stairs and crouched on the landing near the living room, waiting for the inevitable sound of my bedroom being destroyed by whatever the thing was, but catastrophe never struck. By this time I was conscious enough to realize that I hadn't been dreaming, and in fact I could still hear the thing hissing as it slowly passed over my house. I wracked my brain for what it could be, but nothing I could think of was that noisy and that yellow. Was it alive? Would it eat me? Without a realistic option to fall back on, I was forced to assume it was a monster. A yellow monster. A giant... yellow... monster.

balloon03

Once I accepted the impossibility of my house being under attack by a giant Pikachu, I felt marginally better, though still adequately horrified. At least now I could figure out how to approach the situation. Of course, the notion of being stalked by a huge, bloodthirsty Pokémon wasn't a comforting thought.

balloon01

As I cowered at the foot of my stairs anticipating my approaching death, I could hear the thing passing over and drifting away from my house. But before I could feel relief, a new hissing sound emerged from the direction the yellow beast had come from. Multiple hissing sounds, in fact. Were there more of them? Would they eat me right there on the spot? Or would they take me back to their death caves and feast upon me there?

balloon05

Gathering whatever courage I could muster, I crept to the living room window and peered out sheepishly, certain my life was winding down to its final moments.

balloon02

Though my vision was still blurry, I managed to ascertain the scene more clearly. There were more of the things all right, but they were different. Some were red, some blue, some green. Squinting, I could finally make out what they actually were.

Hot air balloons. Dozens of them.

Later I would learn that every year my hometown holds a Hot Air Balloon Rally for charity, and somehow I'd had no knowledge of it. They were flying so close to my house because they were getting ready to land in a field nearby, and the hissing sound had been produced by the burners.

Now, you might be thinking, "Sure, Adam, it was certainly alarming waking up to that, but Pikachu? Really? That's what your mind came up with?"

Yes, that's what my mind came up with. When something that huge and yellow appears to be destroying your home, you go to dark places. Don't judge. You don't know. You weren't there.

imagine
imagine2

Shaken but relieved that danger had passed, I popped in my contacts and traipsed out to the front yard to watch the balloons pass overhead.

They were actually quite pretty. You know, since they weren't trying to kill me.

AJWQ

104 comments:

  1. I probably spend 15% of a typical Tuesday daydreaming about you being a Korean pop star, too. You would probably be the manly (facial hair = masculinity) white boy who throws down a few rhymes in Engrish.

    ReplyDelete
  2. oh my..almost fell off the bed I was laughing so hard. I tend to be the same way when I wake up and before I fall asleep lol. There was an occasion when I had watched one to many episodes of paranormal state before bed and as I was about to fall asleep I heard a noise and automatically assumed GHOST!!! when really it was just a clothes hanger that had moved when the air kicked on hahahahahaha.

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  3. Hah, I think there was an episode of Pokemon where there was a giant Pikachu hot air balloon. So yes, it is entirely possible. Lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remember an episode with a meowth balloon but not pikachu.

      Delete
  4. I've certainly had problems with dividing dream remnants from reality myself, though it's usually flamingos that are attacking me as I'm curled in a ball in the corner of the bed, not a giant Pikachu.

    But since you ask...I probably would have imagined a giant yellow submarine, my worst nightmare, coming at me to make me listen to the song over and over again. A pikachu (is that spelled right?) would be far less terrifying in my world.

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  5. Daydreaming about becoming a Korean popstar would be interesting. Being korean, i really don't see it in my cards.
    Dream on little Adam...Dream on~~

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  6. Totally okay. I once thought aliens landed when a power line fell in my back yard.

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  7. I just woke up from having a dream with my ex-one-night-stand and even though I knew I was under the covers and dreaming, my real life arm moved to wrap around her waist. On the bright side, I caught an armful of blanket and felt even warmer.

    Your blog post made me feel better about my dream.

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  8. I'VE DONE THAT SPIDER THING. It's terrifying.

    ReplyDelete
  9. what is the font you used on the pics of the balloons? i can't place it and i love it.

    and i love your blog by the way :]

    tb

    ReplyDelete
  10. Is it bad that I pictured a female Korean pop star?

    ReplyDelete
  11. i had a similar incident when napping. i woke up to feel something tickling my toe, and immediately jumped the conclusion i was being eaten alive by thousands of thousand-legged millipede thingies that seem to live underneath my couch.

    turns out it was just my puppy licking my toe. not quite as epic as a hot air ba-chu, but similar nonetheless.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Talk about coincidences: I've been playing Pokemon Yellow in my computer for 2 days now.

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  13. I'm taking too much time trying to think of you on Ambien, Adam. Only weird things take place when I take it, so I can imagine if you had, you'd have somehow wound up *in* a hot air balloon.
    In one of my experiences, I didn't climb in bed the moment I took it, thus it kicked in while I had access to all sorts of toys in my house. I wound up stripping off my pants and trying to draw an outlet and plugged in cord on my legs. Even though I manage to do all of that, I still wind up in bed somehow. Which leads me to believe you'd wake up next to your Pika-Balloon.
    Stay awesome, Adam.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am PLAGUED by spider awake dreams. My family finds it hilarious when they find me busting out of my bedroom screaming about the spiders I'm convinced are either crawling over my pillows, hovering above my face, or burrowing into my covers.

    I also had a phase of dreaming about this spy camera that kept creeping into my room on it's tripod. I woke my mom up multiple times screaming at her to get rid of it.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I once woke up around 3:00 a.m. covered in tea and holding a cup. I apparently got out of the bed, walked across the room, got the cup, crawled back in bed, and then tried to drink it.

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  16. I sleep-eat about two or three times a month, without the aid of drugs. I don't know why I do it. I woke up one morning with sammich fixins all over the kitchen. Another time I woke up mid-nom, wondering why the hell I was eating fried chicken in bed. It's confusing as hell but good party stories.

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  17. This reminded me of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy - in the very first chapter (?) where the main character awakens to find his house in the imminent threat of being bulldozed by a large yellow bulldozer - while meanwhile the entire Earth is in the imminent threat of being bulldozed.

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  18. things:
    a) sleeping meds don't allow you to sleep/eat at the same time.

    usually they make you extremely hungry and sleepy at the same time which is the worst dilemma ever, probably.

    b) get the sleep cycle app if you have an iphone, its $1, it graphs your sleep, and it really works and is awesome. it tells you when you were constantly in a really deep sleep, which is when you sleep talk, and could have possibly been divulging secrets.

    c) i like yo' blog.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I also strive to spend a portion of my day watching Roseanne reruns. Sometimes I succeed!

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  20. I'm exactly like this. I cannot explain to you how many times I've had the half-waking half-sleeping "giant monster spider dangling right above my face" dream, only to gain my full wits AFTER my screaming fit that wakes the whole house.
    In fact, when I was about 13, I had the first of these can't-tell-if-I'm-awake-or-asleep dreams, and although I don't remember it, my parents SWEAR I ran screaming murderously into their room "THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING! THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING!"

    I do remember the dream however- a dancing chorus line of animated sausages wearing little sneakers and Mickey Mouse gloves, like those old concession stand ads you got before the movie started at the cinema. Goddamn the subconscious is a freak.

    ReplyDelete
  21. This is lovely. No longer do I feel as ashamed of the freaky scenarios my brain cooks up ;)

    Also, the 'gotta kill em all' picture was quite funny in a creepy sort of way.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This post made me laugh out loud more than once. I used to have sleep paralysis, where my brain would wake up while my body was still unable to move. I spent several years CONVINCED that I was being experimented on by aliens.

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  23. You like Kpop Adam? I love it! Also....I love that cocoon^^

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  24. Your Pie chart only comes out to 99% fyi. Love all your writing and drawings though so I don't hold it against you.

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  25. I once did manage to combined eating and sleeping, it was vary unsatisfying. I woke up not remembering I ate, and then looked to my side and saw the remanence of the food :(. It would have been yummy.

    ReplyDelete
  26. i have the same spider thingy, i usually throw my blanket at them and am at the door before i wake up and realise they werent real. i still have to search the blanket just in case though.

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  27. I also talk in my sleep and I 've said stuff in my sleep that got me in trouble. Apparently one night I talked about running away with another man with just a wee bit too much eagerness. My now ex husband did not appreciate overhearing that! Live in fear, Adam. Live in fear.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Remember when you were a baby and still drank from the bottle, or your mom's tatas. either way, you'd be EATING & SLEEPING at the same time. I've tried and failed, can't do it again.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I was happily reading along, and then I got distracted by one little fact...ROSEANNE RERUNS!

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  30. Roseanne reruns are a good way to spend 20% of a Tuesday! But yeah, my brother had a weird dream that on a trip to 7-11, I nailed his arms and legs to a wall while he was trying to get a slurpee, and I wasn't allowed near him for two days.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Roseanne reruns are like family reunions for me.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hahaha, amazing! The killer Pikachu is gold! :D

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sir Digby Chicken CaeserDecember 21, 2011 at 9:07 PM

    a geological movement cannot wake up this moi. I slept through a 5. something earthquake, it woke up every in my house but me :( I know when the big one hits SoCal, im done for.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh I know that feeling. I once fled from my bedroom, when I woke up and saw Death approach me.
    Another night I woke up, and saw a million spiders were dangling from the ceiling. And then there was the time, when a crazy narcotic woman stood right beside me with a knife raised, ready to strike...

    And then one day I found out, I have narcolepsy. Apparently these dreamlike hallucination, all the sleepiness, sleep paralysis and long awakening time is all part of the disease.
    Just saying...

    ReplyDelete
  35. The blanket cocoon picture is my life.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I too noticed the mathematical error in the Pie Chart, I am assuming that there is some dark secret thing that takes up 1% of Adam's time that he is protecting us from. Thanks for taking one for the team Adam, but now we know just to ask you about it while your sleeping.

    ReplyDelete
  37. Gotta kill 'em all...
    Killer Pokemon!

    I, I died. I laughed so hard.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I don't think you are alone with the sleeping problem, I myself need to sleep up to 13 hours to be fully funcitonal. The good thing is I tend to sleep walk and clean my room ..winning! The sleep talking not so good...cheese will overthrow us all apparently.

    ReplyDelete
  39. I have the same mornings, a family member called me early one morning and I was so tired and out of it I mumbled and hung up, when I talked to them later they said I told them, "i was dead and not to call"

    ReplyDelete
  40. Sleep and I are not friends. I rarely fall asleep before 2 am, regardless of when I woke up that morning or when I have to wake up the next morning. Over the past few days, I've fallen asleep anywhere from 2 to 5 am, and woken up at 2 pm most days. Yesterday and the day before, I fell asleep at 8 pm from exhaustion, woke up at 3 am, fell asleep again at 5 am, and woke up at 2 pm completely disoriented.

    Also, why is the world run by morning people? Why should I have to get up at 7 am every morning because school starts at 9 and my bus route is unnecessarily long?

    tl;dr: I can't sleep like a normal person.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I'm a giant sleeper too. Usually when I have the change I sleep 16 - 18 h a day...some say it's not healthy, but I say: not seeing dreams is too boring ;)

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm more curious about, not why you thought it was pikachu, but how long this process took.

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  43. I'm glad I wasn't the only one who noticed the pie was only 99%. It worried me so much I had to get my calcu-ma-lator (iphone) out to double check it, and then, and only then, could I continue on to read about pikachu coming to choose Adam.

    ReplyDelete
  44. "Nope!"

    ...Please tell me I'm not the only one that added a "Just Chuck Testa" to that.

    If I was, I think have Meme-itis.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Emma's hairy arm disturbs me more than it should.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Adam,
    just thought you should know that I finally gave in and decided to watch Teen Mom.
    Since I read your post on it I've been dying to do so.
    But I resisted, too much of my time is already wasted with sitcoms.

    You see, I'm from Brazil, and the holiday season comes in the middle of summer, bringing EXTREMELY hot water and tropical storms while you're trying to celebrate Christmas.

    So, long story short, I'm trapped inside of my uncle's house due to heavy rain. to prevent cabin fever, I'm taking up Teen Mom.


    Wish me luck.

    ReplyDelete
  47. im pretty sure your chart was only 99% even with the 1%

    ReplyDelete
  48. My GoogleReader posted your post three times. I've gotta say, it's still funny even after the third read. Just kidding, I didn't read it three times. But I would. LOL

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  50. I dunno how you can sleep with socks on. They drive me nuts and my feet get hot and sweaty. I hate wearing pants much less socks to bed.

    ReplyDelete
  51. I have actually divulged secrets in my sleep.

    Don't let your friends ask you questions when you're asleep. You may answer them.

    ReplyDelete
  52. adam, your pictures just get better and better. (and i love emma's man arms)

    ReplyDelete
  53. After seeing the blanket bean and your 'what' face, I had the sudden vision of this whole book becoming a cartoon movie or tv series that airs late night and you be the voice and narration of each episode. It be EPIC.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Your pie chart only equals 99%. Nothing wrong with that, merely an observation. Love your blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. This is a reason for Lasik if I ever heard one.

    ReplyDelete
  56. An chay tốt cho sức khỏe của bạn và điệu trị một số bệnh tiểu đường, cao huyết áp, tim mạch, loãng xương, viêm khớp, an chay An chay là an và uống những thứ có nguồn gốc thực vật, không an thịt cá hay thứ có nguồn gốc từ động vật vì liên quan đến sát sinh, giết mổ. An chay hoặc an mặn phụ thuộc vào sự lựa chọn của mỗi người. An chay hiện nay khá phổ biến. Các món an chay dễ làm thường dùng các thức an có từ nguồn gốc thực vật như trái cây, rau củ quả, ngũ cốc, đậu phụ … An chay có thể ngừa được bệnh sỏi mật, sỏi thận, hen suyễn và giảm bớt bệnh tiểu đường ở những người không dùng insulin, do thực phẩm chay chứa nhiều chất xơ giúp cơ thể điều hòa thành phần đường một cách hiệu quả.

    ReplyDelete
  57. Just don't have any deep, dark secrets. See. It's that easy.

    And that was a giant spider hanging over your bed. But he was as scared of you as you were of it, so it hid.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I love that sleeping and smiling baby, quite cute!

    ReplyDelete
  59. Haha, totally know where coming from. I once spent a good week secretly indulging in a Grey's Anatomy marathon. I came to a halfway-conscious state in the middle of the night, mistook my boyfriend for a character in a really vivid dream I was having, and told him, "I'm sorry you have cancer everywhere."

    I surfaced just enough to register his look of horrified confusion. "Whaaa???"

    "...Wasn't talking to you."

    ReplyDelete
  60. LOL omg this was way too funny! "Noooo don't choose me!"

    ReplyDelete
  61. As a fellow non-morning person who tends to growl at unsuspecting passersby any time before lunch, I enjoy this blog: http://sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com/

    Thought you might too, since you seem to be cut from the same cloth.

    Ps. I think I love you (in a non-stalker, far-away-in-Africa, love you)

    ReplyDelete
  62. Hey man. My opinion really shouldn't matter to you, but this was the funniest comic you've written in months. Nice return to form.

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  63. Hypnagogic hallucinations are fun !

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  64. I love your blog so much.

    Y U NO UPDATE MORE???

    ReplyDelete
  65. I totally read Korean Pornstar, not popstar. Seemed legit.

    ReplyDelete
  66. Did one of the balloons look like Meowth? Because if so, you/your town may be in imminent danger a la Team Rocket...

    ReplyDelete
  67. Someone stole your pie chart and put it onto Memebase without even giving you credit!

    (http://graphjam.memebase.com/2012/01/14/funny-graphs-just-your-average-day/#comment-233545)

    I think action needs to be taken!!

    ReplyDelete
  68. I have the same trouble during that transition time between sweet slumber and awakeness. Oftentimes my waking hallucinations (delusions?) are so realistic and believable that when I finally do wake up I am still confused. Exhibit a: had a dream that I was a cop that sort of spilled over into wakefulness. I spent 15 minutes fishing around in my nightstand for my gun and badge because I thought I was late going on duty. My husband was utterly bewildered but none of his attempts to convince me I was not in fact a cop were successful. I was sufficiently embarrassed later.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I just recently found your blog, so going through and catching up on all of your posts. You do some amazing work! Keep it up, and I'm looking forward to the book!

    Also, on the Balloon side of things, if you ever find yourself in New Mexico in October, make sure to check out the Balloon Fiesta. Not only do you get the garden variety of balloons, but you also get all the "special shapes". And, like you, I'm not the most alert person in the mornings, so seeing a giant inflated cow lolling back and forth as it's being inflated is downright terrifying at 5am while you're still wondering why in the hell your parents dragged you out to a field...

    ReplyDelete
  70. I related to this entire post. I sleep a lot. I say, and sometimes do, weird things in my sleep.

    Worst wake up scenario I've ever had - some neighbors from down the street from me were yelling at each other, and someone said something about a gun. They were fighting in the street outside my window. I was hiding under my bed.

    ReplyDelete
  71. My subconsious in the early morning likes to screw with people. A lot. Once it came up with the brilliant idea that maybe, just maybe, if I curled up under the covers, my parents would think the cat was just in the bed. When they came in to wake me up, and poked me, I meowed the best I could. My efforts didn't work, and they figured out easily that I wasn't the cat. The next day my brain figured the reason it didn't work was because I didn't try hard enough, so I did the same thing, exept made sure I was curled up into a tighter ball. It once again didn't work.

    ReplyDelete
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