Thursday, November 3, 2011

Ferrets

It was probably my junior year of high school and I was at my first real party. I'd never even touched alcohol before, but for some reason I'd decided tonight was the night. I was going to cut loose. I was going to channel the ghost of Orson Welles. I was going to GO. NUTS.

Like an idiot, I wasted no time in knocking back the brew, oblivious to my rapidly increasing inebriation. I began to lose control of my voice modulation, and by 10:30 PM I might as well been shouting, "Hey, everyone! This is obviously my first party ever! And man, do I love Natural Ice!”

newferrets02

Of course, being a naive teenager, I had no idea that life has consequences (which, in all honesty, is a concept I grapple with to this day). Sometimes the flipside to overindulging manifests in the form of your peers thinking you're an obnoxious moron (because you probably are), but more often it arrives in the form of projectile vomit (but I'll get to that later). At some point during the night, enough people had complained about the loud idiot in the Nine Inch Nails t-shirt that the hostess of the party had to take action. She confiscated my half full cups of beer, chaperoned my drunk ass into her bedroom, and directed me to play with her pet ferrets while I sobered up enough rejoin the civilized masses.

newferrets03

I rolled around with the animals for a few minutes but quickly lost steam. In spite of the ferrets' dizzying novelty, or perhaps because of it, it became clear to me that I was in no shape to be communing with animals, let alone humans.

newferrets01

In fact, I was in no shape to be conscious. I promptly passed out face first into the girl's bed, completely oblivious to the curious creatures scampering across my back and chewing on my hair.

I don't know how long I slept there, but it was not restful sleep. I awoke a little while later, delirious and confused, groggily cognizant of the sound of the party still raging in the other room. As I struggled to sit up, something suddenly became very clear to me.

I am going to barf.

I am going to barf immediately.

newferrets09

newferrets10

I leapt out of bed and booked it to the bathroom down the hall, which was of course occupied by teenagers smoking meth, or banging each other, or playing Magic: The Gathering, or whatever it is that teenagers do. A quick survey of the second floor bathroom proved that it was likewise locked and in use. Panic took hold. I lumbered back into the bedroom, the vomit rising, and I knew I'm out of options. I had no choice but to let loose in the corner of the room.

newferrets04

I spewed forth a great, heaping mass of cheap beer, stomach acid, and bits of public school cafeteria tacos. With my belly (and soul) purged, I could do nothing more than crawl back into bed, curl into the fetal position, and cry myself quietly back to sleep.

It wasn't long before I woke up for a second time. The party outside had died down to a dull roar. As I slowly became aware of my surroundings, I realized I could hear something in the room. It was a faint sound, foreign and yet still somehow familiar. My eyes could barely focus, so I strained my ears to listen.

newferrets05

Whatever it was, it was coming directly from the corner where I'd puked. I struggled to sit up, and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I witnessed a downright horrifying site.

Ferrets.

Ferrets eating vomit.

Ferrets eating MY vomit.

newferrets06

Suddenly lucid and aware of the massive party foul I'd just commited, I was instantly consumed with one simple concept: escape. I had to get the hell out of here, move to Montreal, and change my name to Ferdinand. Nobody could know of my crime. Thankfully I was on the ground floor, so I scurried to the window and scrambled out of the house.

newferrets07

As I shambled along in the dark, thoughts of drunk ferrets consumed me. All I could hope was that my furry friends had finished off their dinner, destroying any evidence of my terrible mistake.

newferrets08

That was the first and last time alcohol ever touched my lips.

Ok, that's a lie. But I did learn to monitor myself better. 

Well, slightly better. 

Maybe.

459 comments:

  1. didn't you post this story before? ...or am I having massive deja vu?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am getting a wicked feeling of deja vu with this story...

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  4. ^^ It's an older story that I rewrote and redrew!

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  5. just kidding!! saw the facebook update =]

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  6. I don't think I want a ferret anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ahhh That's why... Still as funny as I remember :D

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm a bit sad to hear that this IS an old story. Reading it, I though I had a super power. The power to read Books of Adam before they are Books of Adam.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thanks for making me chork on my gum.

    When is your book coming out again? I do not think my head can wait.

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  10. P.S. You owe me a piece of Trident Passionberry Twist.

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  11. 'Twas an epic story, either way.

    Drunk stories are always funny. My friend who is 17 drank a few weeks ago, and blacked out upon consumption of 1 1/2 cups of straight vodka.
    Then he passed out about an hour later in front of a church.

    I enjoy retelling the story. And I'm sure you enjoyed retelling this one, haha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Is the original still up so we can see how you've improved?

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  13. I loved the 'Over Stimulated' picture.

    Initially I thought you were going to end up waking up with the ferrets crawling around inside your clothes, or something of that nature, but another vomit story is always nice too ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least you didn't get sick AT your own home, vomit on the side of the couch, on the floor by the couch, then (after a night of attempting to sleep) wake up with vomit on both sides of your head......... yyyyeah

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  14. As much as I love ferrets, I'm allergic to them :(
    At least you didn't get sick AT your own home, vomit on the side of the couch, on the floor by the couch, then (after a night of attempting to sleep) wake up with vomit on both sides of your head......... yyyyeah

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    1. Initially I thought you were going to end up waking up with the ferrets crawling around inside your clothes, or something of that nature, but another vomit story is always nice too ;)

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    2. As much as I love ferrets, I'm allergic to them :(
      At least you didn't get sick AT your own home, vomit on the side of the couch, on the floor by the couch, then (after a night of attempting to sleep) wake up with vomit on both sides of your head......... yyyyeah

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  15. You are fantastic, as always, my dear Adam.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Aww did you delete the old one when you uploaded this? :( I wanted to compare.

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  17. Am I the only one who wants to know... OH MY GOD WHAT DID FERRET GIRL SAY?!

    ReplyDelete
  18. So what happened afterwards? Did anyone find out it was you?

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh, this brings back memories......my first Mardi Gras, and hanging with experienced drinkers, starting at seven am.....ending in the foulest porta-potty on St. Charles Avenue! Yeah, good times.......

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  20. I think I will call this a cautionary ferret tale. That and awesome.

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  21. You sir, you are my blogging hero.

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  22. Over stimulated t-shirt! Dooooo it. (please)

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  23. oh my gosh, this made me remember when i was younger & puked out a back door once, only to find chickens eating it when i woke up the next morning. who knew animals liked the stuff so much? gross!

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    1. The real sin against life is to abuse and destroy beauty, even one's own even more, one's own, for that has been put in our care and we are responsible for its well-being.

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  24. Ferrets eating vomit. Sounds like a trashy band.

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  25. Adam is still unable to draw ferrets :(. Its k, I still <3 you :D! -BW

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  26. Different versions of this story are the reason I don't drink. Well, there are other reasons too, but these play a big part.

    ReplyDelete
  27. They probably enjoyed the buzz from your...well...half-digested PBR or whatever cheap beer parties have.

    These ferrets we used to have always loved getting into our whiskey and partying with us.
    Huh...so did our dog, now that I recall...
    I think if anyone's raised by two Russians, it's an automatic Alcoholic stamp on your forehead.

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  28. I had a similar situation happen once. It too involved a party at my place, an inexperienced drunk friend, projectile vomit and my hungry cats. I was the lucky one who cleaned up the aftermath while hung over the following morning. So wrong.

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  29. Those cupcakes look delicious

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  30. What was the original story named?

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  31. Thank you for writing stories that are so outlandish and wonderful and still so easy to completely relate to. I cannot wait to read the book :)

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  32. Never posted here before (love your stuff), but I just wanted to let you know that your tenses are somewhat confusing and sticking with past or present the entire story would be helpful.

    Sorry I'm lame.

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    1. Very Useful information, this is both good reading for, have quite a few good key points and I learn some new stuff from it too.

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  33. Ferrets have always scared me. Now I am even more terrified.

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  34. This is superb! I have some worse alcohol related stories that I probably shouldn't share. Then again, reading this has left me quite tempted...

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  35. I really needed this laugh.
    Thanks it was hilarious.
    -Abby

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  36. I hate ferrets. Disgusting, trashy little bastards.

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  37. haha why couldn't you vomit out the window..?

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  38. Ha ha--that's awesome. Thought that I had read through all of your older archived posts, but I must have missed this one as it was published the first time.

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  39. I love the way you drew the ferrets, I had a sudden urge to get some. Also, how you drew yourself vomiting. Good story!

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  41. Ferdinand from Montreal! I approve, as a montrealer.

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  42. Wow Ferrets is really an amazing creature indeed...just love watching him striving his vomiting...it really makes me smile big at the first glance.. :)

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