Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Antisocial Network

I'm a little sick of Facebook. At this point I think everyone's a bit tired of Facebook but we can't pry ourselves away from it because then we'd be cavemen. Or rather, cavepeople, to be gender neutral. This is 2011 after all.

Instead, we complain about Facebook, usually on Facebook, and I'm more than happy to join in the discord. I've compiled a list of ten common occurrences that bother me about Facebook and I'd like to share them with you.

1. "Caught Off Guard" Photos

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I see this all the time in my news feed and I'm baffled by it. These photos pop up and I just have so many questions. What are you girls looking at? How are the vertebrae in your necks not snapping like twigs?

I blame Paris Hilton for this one. Actually, I blame Paris Hilton for about 90% of the world's problems (famine, global warming, the NBA lockout, the list goes on).

2. Duck Lips

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I know, I know. Everyone and their grandmother has harped on the duck lips phenomenon, but it bears repeating because it remains a problem. It's still happening. How is it still happening? Why aren't we as a society funneling trillions of dollars into educating our young people against this habit? I have it on good authority that making duck lips causes face cancer. So what if there's no medical proof to back up that claim? Do you really want to risk it? I didn't think so.

3. The Apparition

This one is understandable to an extent, though no less tragic. It's when people take photos of themselves but push the levels in Photoshop to the extreme, and what's left is a white floating mass with eyeballs and a mouth. Michael Jackson utilized this tactic fulltime in later years. I'm guessing its purpose is to hide the imperfections in one's face, but the end result is anything but an improvement. It's the opposite of an improvement. An unprovement? Nonprovement? Yeah, nonprovement. That's a word.

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4. English as a Foreign Language

I have a friend who frequently makes the argument that language evolves, but I'd like to know when Internet jargon became an acceptable form of communication outside the realm of sexting your boyfriend during fourth period. It's gotten so bad that on occasion I'll have a difficult time making sense of certain status updates because they're so riddled with shorthanded phrases and netspeak. At some point they stop sounding human altogether, instead resembling an alien with a feeble grasp on the language of Earthlings.

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5. Woe is Me

Social networking has understandably become a part of our day-to-day lives, and thus aspects of our lives play out online. However, I grow weary of watching arguments unfold in real time on my wall. True, on occasion I get a kick out of seeing two of my friends quarrel; they'll hurl insults back and forth about who's a bigger bitch or who's the Mayor of Slutburg this week, but when my friends take to Facebook to passive aggressively whine about their lives, I want to throw in the towel and do something drastic like unplug my router and go read a book.

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22 replies later, I'll learn she was upset because her mom got her the wrong flavor of frozen yogurt from Pinkberry, and wish I could get back that 90 seconds of my life I wasted reading that thread.

6. The Racist Redneck Cousin

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We all have one of these on our friends list. You can't remove them or else you'll get an angry email from Aunt Susan about why you unfriended her son. It's best to ignore them completely.

7. The Facebook Gamer

For a long time I forgot Farmville even existed because I had all mentions of it blocked, but a few weeks ago my account went screwy and I started receiving notifications about it again. I readjusted my settings, but it made me wonder about farming simulations. I can't for the life of me understand the appeal of Farmville. My grandparents had a ranch when I was a kid and I can tell you firsthand that farm life is boring as hell. Why would you want to simulate something like that on the Internet?

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And why stop at farming? Why not play a game where you wash little pixelated dishes all day? Extra points for scraping old lasagna off that oven pan!

8. The "Real" Gamer

I'm sort of anal retentive about what shows up on my personal Facebook feed. Should I inadvertently share a Yahoo news link without realizing it, I have a conniption fit and my whole week is ruined. I nearly died the day I realized I'd accidentally set my Playstation 3 to share trophy updates on my profile as I received them in-game. Personally I don't feel the need to share the fact that I spent Saturday night training my dark elf to Level Infinity, but that's just me.

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9. The Proud Parent

I'm at that age where some of my friends are having babies, and for the most part I genuinely enjoy seeing updates about their kids. But on occasion a friend will go overboard with the baby pictures and start setting up what I imagine they think are adorable photo shoots.

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I want to tell them that when they do this, Anne Geddes takes a shovel, digs a hole in her backyard, and lays down in it, just so she can roll over in her grave.

10. The Stalker

Perhaps the most unsettling of all is the Facebook stalker. They come in many forms. They might be an overzealous ex, or maybe a doting aunt who just got AOL. They like all your status updates, they comment on everything, and offer unwarranted advice on your each and every trivial action.

I can't help but imagine what it would be like if that sort of behavior took place in real life.

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964T

Sometimes I lay awake at night and imagine how nice it would feel to delete my Facebook altogether. I fantasize about how freeing it would be, and resolve to delete my account first thing in the morning. Then I wake up, decide against my prior decision, and instead sign up for Tumblr and Spotify, even though I don't understand either one. Because this is America, and I'm pretty sure the Bill of Rights states that it's a man's inalienable right to complain about Facebook on a daily basis if he so chooses. In fact, if I recall correctly, the Founding Fathers declared independence because Great Britain had set up a firewall to block Facebook. That's a fact. I read that in the same magazine that said making duck lips causes face cancer.

125 comments:

  1. I'm the facestalker, btw. Also the last frame made me laugh out loud for real. None of that "lol" while I'm sitting totally silent stuff. Genuinely laugh out loud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've coined this as "llol" or "legitimately laughed out loud"

      So far, I have one other person using it. Obviously, if it became legitimate jargon, the day would come where "lllol," "llllol," (etc) would become needed...

      So, spread the good word, if the spirit moves you.

      Delete
    2. Holy crap same gurl wut

      Delete
  2. Do it. Delete Facebook. I did about 2 months ago and it was the best decision I have ever made in relation to my online life. It's a festering time sink and you'd be better off without it. You might have a twinge of regret the first day, but once you're on day 3 it's amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The last frame is priceless. Also, definitely have had to deal with a few #10's.

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  4. There are many days when i read my news feed and realize, I hate all these damn people.

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  5. omg the last picture made me laugh so hard it hurt. at first i was like whaa...then she popped up. so funny.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I deleted facebook. Feels great. Just get some emails before you leave to keep in contact with some that you don't have any other way to.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I will now post this on facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  8. There are about 5 people I'm friends with that each display 5, 6, 7, 9, and 10. Its absoluty maddening, and I can't unfriend them for various reason (e.g., we're related.)

    Also, that face popping out of the toilet is hilarious. But now I'm going ti have nightmares about it.

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  9. True and equally if not infinitely hilarious

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  10. Everything you wrote is so true. I always end up hiding annoying people from my feed, only to un-hide them later because I tell myself "Bah, they weren't that bad, right?" A few hours later I'm reminded why I hid them in the first place, as my feed is spammed with Youtube videos, baby pictures and the one person constantly reminding everyone that being vegan is the best thing ever.

    That's why I made a Tumblr yesterday. I'm addicted. ):

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  11. anne geddes...grave joke, so amazing, more please

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  12. Is this a subtle way of saying people shouldn't comment on your posts?

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  13. i was listening to the most dramatic movement when i saw that last picture.

    it was amazing

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  14. Your blog made me check the spelling of conniption...never saw it spelled out before.

    ReplyDelete
  15. haha, I deactived my Facebook a few weeks ago for some of these reasons:P
    ...But you can't actually delete it yourself, they make it really complicated.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i know EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN when people post annoying crap about their lives that people just don't want to hear about. i devoted about 1000 words to that on a post on my tumblr blog. it boils down to this: basically everything on facebook is incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid. The only reason I still have one is because I love taking pictures of pretty much anything and posting them, and I have friends literally from all over the world because of school, and I don't like losing touch.

    and then i could go on about my conspiracy theories, big-brother-is-watching-you views on facebook but that would take pages.

    the point is this: well said!

    ReplyDelete
  17. About a year ago I wrote an anti-facebook blog titled the same, and I totally agree. I've deactivated my account several times and each time I try to reunite with it, I'm left flustered and annoyed with the people that update on the feed.

    Just this October I deactivated it again, but this time with a few other people, and it's been over a month and I'm seriously considering deleting it all together. I figure between twitter, G+, text, and email that I really have all I need.

    Oh, and PS, I'm not stalking you online. Yes, I'm the one you met through an Ex of yours, but I no longer talk to them anymore, I still enjoy your blogs. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. I agree fully with your blog, there have been times when reading facebook has made me so angry that my boyfriend just tells me to delete my account, because obviously all it does is stress me out. I can't though. I just can't.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Just posted this to facebook. The last frame killed me

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  20. I have to agree with the others, the last frame made me laugh out loud. Frightened the hell out of my cat when I did. :D

    ReplyDelete
  21. I TOTALLY agree.

    About the whole baby thing, I also don't mind updates. Well, I didn't until one friend had a baby and she insists on making a new album every time the kid gets a new sweater or opens her eyes for the first time that day. And then? Two pictures of her baby throwing up. Too far.

    ReplyDelete
  22. i must now check the toilet before i sit down....thank you for that. >.<

    ReplyDelete
  23. hahaha actually I just block those kind of people, so u don't have to delete them to stop seeing the annoying and 'no one cares' comments ever.

    ReplyDelete
  24. #9: http://www.stfuparentsblog.com/

    everyone agrees.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I use facebook all the time because I'm overseas on exchange at an art school and I need to use it to organise outings so I don't go stir crazy. Also to see how everyone is going at home.

    ReplyDelete
  26. The toilet stalker scared the crap out of me at first. Then I died laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Oh I almost died on the last one. That's SO TRUE! Now...I'm going to post a link to this on Facebook. I need certain people to see this.

    ReplyDelete
  28. You missed one, the person in like every status update put's a 'LOL' Or they talk to you and say 'Hey LOL' And I'd say to that people, WHAT ON EARTH IS SO FUNNY?!
    And very good analysis, I agree with you, I wish I could delete my Facebook.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  30. You unmitigated bastard! I almost choked on my dessert three times - the Musek alien, "wash little pixellated dishes", and the Toilet Stalker!

    Seriously, this is one of the best you've done. Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Facebook isn't all that bad.
    Although, I have "hidden" probably half of my friends list.
    I can't delete them because I know all of them, and sometimes I run into them in public.
    I don't want to have that awkward "Did you delete me off your facebook?" conversation.

    Recently I declined a friend request from a guy that I've been around, but never spoken to.
    Then, a week later, I was paying my rent when who should drive up to ALSO pay their rent?
    That guy.
    I tried to hide my face.

    ReplyDelete
  32. So true and so funny! I think about deleting my account at least once, each time I'm on Facebook...and then I don't.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I sometimes wish I could delete my facebook, but then I remember that the only way to keep in touch with some of my really close friends who I no longer see everyday is through it and I die a little inside with the knowledge that it must stay alive.

    And I am so wanting to make Toilet Stalker a T-Shirt xD

    ReplyDelete
  34. I just +1'd your blog post about complaining about facebook...I think that's an anomaly of some kind.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I hate facebook. I have all of the types of people mentioned as "friends," or as I like to call them, "acquaintances with whom I may or may not actually be acquainted but who have seen fit to crowbar themselves into my virtual consciousness."

    I'll concede that "friends" is snappier.

    ReplyDelete
  36. How come it's mostly girls that do the annoying shit?

    ReplyDelete
  37. Tears of laughter, as always with your posts.

    I think that the Farmville part was the best for me, never really understood that - but then again I have a Facebook account that I think I've only ever put two things up on.

    ReplyDelete
  38. fuck facebook. that is all.

    i disposed of mine nearly 2 years ago and have never looked back. if someone wishes to keep in contact, they have my number (if i feel inclined to provide them with it). no more duckface, ex-es or random updates of the most unappealing nature. i'd suggest that you unshackle yourself from the insipid nonsense of facebook, but alas, you are a minor interwebz celebrity and cannot abandon your loyal followers and such.

    ReplyDelete
  39. or the racist ultraconservative brother who calls you a terrorist or communist depending on his mood because you're a vegetarian,and makes fun of you for liking school and striving to be smart
    but really its no big deal

    ReplyDelete
  40. There's another kind of Facebook stalker that you forgot... the person (*cough* mother-in-law) who looks at every single thing you post online, but doesn't ever comment or like it. Then, she brings it up at an awkward time when you see her in person and you don't know what to say about it, because it was so long ago you forgot and she thinks it's still relevant.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I wish I could delete my facebook but knowing that it never really gets deleted (they keep it in a database, really creepy), and knowing that's the only form of communication I have with some of my friends has me in a standstill.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Ha! Never had and never will have a Facebook. I feel victorious. If people want to talk to me, I have a cellular device.

    ReplyDelete
  43. One time I joined Google+ to rebel...but no one saw me doing it...so I posted everything I was posting on Google+ to facebook. That got more annoying than just facebook really fast. Now I just rejoice in the reintegration of old features into the new layout...like the "Sort by Recent Updates" button. It's back. Thank god.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Do it, dude. Delete your Facebook account. Although, you can't really delete it, you can just "Suspend" it. I did this 6 months ago and it has been such a great thing for me. I deleted all my pictures off there but I'm not OCD enough to delete my old status updates one at a time. There are 6 years worth of them up there. But when you suspend it, people cannot visit your page anymore, you appear to be gone. I'm slightly annoyed that some SQL database is holding all my old status updates but oh well. It'd probably take days to delete them all because I used to be a frequent updater. But yeah, now I kick it "old school", e-mail, text messages, and phone calls.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I like how now you can un-scribe to someone when you don't want to see their posts or anything online. However, this just makes me want to go online even more, because there aren't any annoying people that I can see. This doesn't stop me from reading books though! Yay books! :) By the way, the picture at the end...epic.

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  46. Wow. Now I understand all those duck lips photos my teens take. Thanks. (I'm not on facebook. That and I'm kind of a dolt sometimes.)

    ReplyDelete
  47. sometimes I wish to delete my facebook also,but I need to promote my art. in facebook you can tag people..
    its annoying but other people in my art community are doing it also.

    we dont tag people photo, but we tag them picture, art and comic instead, force them to take a look at our masterpiece and give comments, and also likes.. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  48. I like to complain about facebook on twitter... cuz i'm rad like that.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hilarious!!! I must admit to being guilty of a few of those at one time or another... LOL

    I especially liked your last line, about having read it in the same magazine as the duck lip thing!

    I have a friend who does duck lips in 95% of her pictures. I've tried to tell her it's unnecessary and looks weird, but she refuses to take a hint - what can you do? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  50. Sweet & ever so accurate. I hate, think I hate, definately don't like, no wait--I'm tired of, nope-uh, OK, here's the deal: I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I am "trying" to move out and join the new kids over at Google+, but it's so HARD to pack and redecorate and meet the new neighbors, and small talk....

    ReplyDelete
  51. #5-YES
    Also, good use of phrases, particularly conniption fit. I thought I was the only one that used that phrase.
    Also again, loved the ghost with mascara apparition. I'm not sure why I enjoyed that so much.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Ahahahahahaha, the last pic... Love the face...

    ReplyDelete
  53. ahhh, 5 and 6 for sure, and I had a 10 before I de-friended them to put an end to the madness.

    ReplyDelete
  54. THE CHEESY GOODNESSNovember 16, 2011 at 5:26 AM

    A million thumbs up! This is beyond perfect and complete in every way. I have considered deleting my Facebook pretty much every day for the last year. It will, after all, still be there when I get that yearning to be annoyed, stressed, get a headache, wish like HELL people could read and write above a 2nd grade level, and generally have my brain and eyes assaulted in every way imaginable. ::SIGH:: You are an inspiration, sir.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I love this! I deleted my account a little over a year ago, and I'm not a cavewomen! I actually became closer with my friends by talking on the phone for hours instead of a quick facebook chat. I honestly don't have anything against facebook, it's just not for me. Although Adam I think if you deleted your facebook people would riot. It's something to consider ;)

    ReplyDelete
  56. Aaaahahahah I lost it at the stalker in the toilet gif! XD

    ReplyDelete
  57. I have to deal with every single one of these people on my Facebook. And I feel bad whining about it, since it seems like such a shallow thing to complain about. But yeah, it is still incredibly annoying and shallow.

    Also, I'm wasting time on here instead of working on a huge project, and that last panel made my day. Thanks. :) I think I shall go be productive, after I go check my toilet for facebook stalkers.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I never had facebook and I swear to God I never will. My biggest complaint about facebook by far is that people (in my case, my in-laws) use facebook as a public forum to fight with each other. I have a sister-in-law who hates my guts, and I can't even imagine the vitriol that would be spewed at me. I don't know if this is a typical facebook phenomenon or just my insane in-laws, but count me out.

    ReplyDelete
  59. You forgot the overzealous political poster/Alex Jones wannabe.

    ReplyDelete
  60. I feel like if Facebook stalkers were actually around, they'd be sitting next to you, commenting on and "liking" each time you breathed or blinked. I think another annoying picture-taking habit is the "half naked" picture. Generally, it's the Jersey Shore-esque guys that take them. I imagine them fist-pumping to every dubstep song ever made and trying to find any excuse to not wear a shirt.

    ReplyDelete
  61. But why did you draw the TP coming from underneath?

    ReplyDelete
  62. Facebook free for over a year now and i can guarantee
    that life is swell !
    PS : When i was a kid i was convinced that
    there was always some person or creature hidden in my toilet, watching my every move. Thank you for
    waking up that ancient nightmare, i am now doomed to
    eternal anxiety in the sacred room of relief :P

    ReplyDelete
  63. I stopped using my Facebook back in June. My family and friends judged everything I posted and if I expressed any personal opinion stronger than "I like grapes" one of my family members would send me a message or email telling me how offended they were or how wrong I am.

    I created a tumblr in September because only one person knows who I am on there, so I can post whatever the hell I want and there are no mentions of stupid games like farmville. All I see in my rumble feed are things about things I love and find beautiful/funny/interesting. It's very happy.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Try deactivating your account for a while. Facebook forces you to have it deactivated for at least twenty-four hours before you reactivate (simply by signing in), but I imagine you'll decide to keep it deactivated for longer. Or you can always have a trusted friend change your password and not tell you for some allotted time. Mine has been deactivated for most of the past month. And it is AWESOME.

    ReplyDelete
  65. I feel you pain. I'm so burnt out on Facebook, yet I keep going back for more. Which reminds me, when are you joining G+? :)

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  66. You rock, Adam.

    Also, I am going to have toilet heebie jeebies now.

    ReplyDelete
  67. I've been contemplating a deletion for the past few weeks. This helps with my decision. Thank you! PS: You forgot to touch on the issue of checking in...

    ReplyDelete
  68. Ok, that GIF at the end almost made me spit my coffee out all over my monitor...

    Well done.

    ReplyDelete
  69. I VERY MUCH would like a shirt with that duck-lips illustration. Pretty please? For Christmas? Dear God, that Naughty shirt took the cake for me.

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  70. That last frame ... I died. Seriously. I took that shit to pinterest, which is my new Facebook.

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  71. Bahahahahaha! HAHAHAHA. Baha. Ha. That last frame is priceless. Wait, no, it's worth at least a billion dollars.

    I love you and everything you write and draw.

    ReplyDelete
  72. I love this.

    I have to say that of all the annoying things you can do on facebook, the worst is writing overdramatic, depressing status updates every ten minutes. If something really serious and upsetting was going on in your life, you wouldn't be putting it online for the whole world to see.

    ReplyDelete
  73. This is one of my favourite posts by you Adam!! HILARIOUS! And so true! I can totally relate to hating facebook some days but not wanting to leave it because it's my main medium of communication with friends. Sigh...the problems of the privileged...;)

    ReplyDelete
  74. Haha this is hilarious, but you have to admit, we've all been each one of those at at least one point in our lives haha.

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  75. Washing pixelated dishes? Didn't they just make sims for facebook?

    ReplyDelete
  76. I disapprove of the manner in which you hang your toilet paper. Otherwise, this post is delightful.

    Also, I shared the duckface picture completely out of context and was met with: "WHY DOES THAT DUCK HAVE NIPPLES?! OH GOD."

    Thank you.
    +10HP for you.

    ReplyDelete
  77. It took me a good three seconds to comprehend what was going on in that last frame. Thanks for the laugh, I'm fairly sure I wet myself.

    ReplyDelete
  78. I demand the duck frame on a t-shirt or some sort of merchandise. :) Please

    ReplyDelete
  79. This is good.
    Really funny stuff you,ve got going on.

    ReplyDelete
  80. Note to self: Do not read this blog in public.

    I am sitting in Starbucks working *clears throat* and I took a large mouthful of tea as I started reading this post! Big Mistake!! Your comments about Paris Hilton made me laugh out loud...which is really not good when you have a mouthful of tea! What actually happened was that I nearly spat the tea on my laptop which then caused me to clamp my mouth shut and snort in THE most attractive manner. Most of the clientelle are now looking at me like I am a mad woman...was worth it though *snigger*

    C x

    ReplyDelete
  81. I like facebook. Yes, it has its bad parts and derpy parts and annoying parts, but generally I like what humans are doing for themselves.

    Our insatiable appetite for information and social interaction amazes and delights me.

    And I love that a basket-case girl like me can be "social" without actually having to go through the anxiety and exhaustion of phoning people or arranging face-to-face meetings more often than I comfortably can. I can just click "like", or toss in a short comment, and people will know that I'm still alive, I still care about them, and it doesn't cost me all of my spoons for the day.

    Also, the phenomenon of us being the first generation to use these things causes the anthropologically fascinating scenario of a whole generation of kids basically having to teach themselves not to go in the van with the guy who promises you puppies, metaphorically speaking. Our parents can't advise us, cause they don't know. It's a Lord of the Flies situation, almost. And it fascinates me.

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  82. You should put some pop-ups in your book so that it has the same effect as that last frame had.

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  83. :D Adam plays Elder Scrolls.

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  84. I have all the same complaints you do, and I realized I was guilty of a lot of things I was complaining about, so I removed myself from the equation.

    I committed Social Network Sepuku.

    ReplyDelete
  85. Harmony HuskinsonMay 5, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    I'm a level 900 on Derpwars 3

    ReplyDelete
  86. I would delete my facebook, but I'm one of those weirdos who gets all the free stuff and plays sweepstakes.

    My biggest pet peeve about Facebook - when someone you don't know takes offense at a comment you left on a mutual friend's status. In my case, it's usually something completely harmless, and a personal opinion. Such as "My favorite is strawberry jello."

    I laughed until I cried at that last picture.

    ReplyDelete
  87. I would love to live a life free of the constraints of Facebook! Unfortunately, my college marks depend upon my participation...one day!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
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  90. I deleted my facebook a year ago. There was literally no use of it and a lot of reasons why I deleted it (unpopular, few so called "friends", boring games and apps, stalkers, trolls, studies. The list goes on...)
    After a year and a half this sense of freedom is very satisfying. It's like you're cut off from the world. Some people might not like that, but then again, I'm asocial so yeah...

    ReplyDelete
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