Thursday, September 8, 2011

Beard Maintenance: A Guide

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"Adam!" said nobody. "How do you keep your beard looking so fancy fresh?"

Well, figment of my imagination, I'll tell you. It's not easy. It's a commitment, but since you asked, I'll do my best to impart my beard wisdom upon you.

First of all, beards aren't for everyone. If you aren't able to grow a full beard, then you must sadly abandon the endeavor. Beards are for strictly for manly men and ladies with hormonal imbalances. My own beard is something of a necessity, I've found. I grew a beard young––annoyingly young, in fact, and I discovered it was easier to let it grow freely than chop it off on a daily basis.

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This doesn't mean beards are an excuse to be lazy. Far from it. Being a beard owner is a full time gig, and my own beard took years to master. Once I figured out what I was doing, though, my beard became my crowning achievement. I may not have a lot going for me; I can't throw a ball, or change the oil in my car, and I weigh 74 pounds soaking wet. But my beard strikes fear in the hearts of men and makes ovaries explode.

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So, is a beard in your future? Perhaps. The first order of business is to do a bit of soul searching and decide what type of beard suits you best. Think about the message you want to send with your beard and proceed from there.

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If you're a woman, fear not. A hair-beard makes a perfectly suitable alternative to a natural beard.

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Once you've made the important decision of beard style, it's time to commit and nurture your new companion. Treat your beard like a friend and take care of it, and it will return the favor. Neglect your beard, and it may turn on you.

Imagine for a moment that you had a tiny, malformed Siamese twin attached to your side. Having a beard is sort of the same thing. If you don't take care of your mutant Siamese twin, he might grow unruly. The same goes for your beard. Nobody likes a sleazy unruly beard, except for maybe Ke$ha, and she's really not the person you should be concerned with impressing.

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Letting your beard get too massive can be problematic, as it will begin to take over your face. You want to own your beard, not the other way around. Also, it's a known fact that spiders like to live in giant warm beards, and that's just frightening. You know how they say that in your lifetime you'll ingest 8 spiders while you sleep? Well that's technically true, but the average is thrown off by dudes with giant beards. They have thousands of spiders living in their beards, and probably eat 8 spiders every night.

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So how do you know when your beard is getting out of hand? Well, for starters, you should make sure it's a proper beard––as in, on your face. If it extends too far below your jawline you'll start to look like a bum. There's a definite line between acceptable beard territory and the neckbeard danger zone, and neglecting this boundary can send the wrong message entirely.

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Make sure your beard stops just below the jaw, and keep your neck cleaned up with a razor. Likewise you'll want to keep your actual beard clean and trimmed, and there are a number of tools at your disposal.

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When maintaining your beard, it's paramount to do so within reason. Overly trimmed beards can look fussy, and before you know it you're AJ McLean from the Backstreet Boys.

This brings me to my final bit of advice: overly trimmed beards are certainly a faux pas, and under no circumstance should a beard be utilized to substitute a jawline. If you're a heavier fella, or you simply weren't blessed with a visible mandible, then I'm afraid you've gotta go big or go home. A full beard is your only option, unless you want to invest in, like, a courtesan veil.

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There's not much to it other than that. Basically, don't let your beard get gross and you should be golden. In a few months, the ladies will be fawning over your beard, and you can sit back and bask in the sublime bliss that is beard ownership.

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100 comments:

  1. thank you for all the beard wisdom. next time i'm in the mood to grow my beard out, i'm going to come back here to brush up on proper beard growing ettiquette

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  2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O7PXeuLYIw

    Beard Lust - Natalie Portman's Shaved Head.

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  3. fyi, girls don't like beards... unless of course there is money or a giant penis attached

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    Replies
    1. fyi; you're wrong.

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    2. fyi, you're very wrong.

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    3. My boyfriend has a beard and I love it. He looks great with facial hair and I'll be sad if he shaves it all off!

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    4. How exactly would one attach a penis and/or money to his beard?

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    5. It's a matter of opinion. you can't fyi an opinion you dick.

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    6. A beard with a penis attatched is more commonly known as pubic hair

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    7. Girls don't like beards..... WOMEN LOVE THEM!!!

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    8. FYI, Don't classify me, bro.

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    9. Perhaps the OP could try shaving his beard to the shape of a giant penis. Please post pictures.

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  4. I want that last image on a tshirt, pronto

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  5. Life makes more sense now.

    ...Thank you.

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  6. This is so hilarious. First time visiting and I needed the laugh.

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  7. My wife fell in love with me after being initially attracted to the rugged good looks with which I was blessed at the time, that included my thick, full, dark red beard.

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  8. Haha, is it me or did the "fat guy w/ overdone beard/substitute jawline" look like Gary from Teen Mom? :P I know Adam watches that show, so perhaps that was his muse for that picture.

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  9. She's nekkid wearing nothing but tube socks - drawing from your own experience?

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  10. This is good stuff. Especially when your hairline begins to recede forcing you to shave your head to avoid looking like an accountant from a 80's sit-com. Then you must grow your beard to avoid having people ask you if you're "sick".

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  11. The song that parallels this perfectly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_O7PXeuLYIw

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  12. I'll do ya one better!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJkLH4uZ73M

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  13. Its true though...girls really don't like beards. Some stubble or "i-forgot-to-shave-this-week" on the right guy can be amazingly cute, but it's few and far between. You're cute so you can do it. Don't go encouraging the rest of them though.

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    Replies
    1. So false. A lot of guys can't pull it off but if they can grow proper beards, not patchy thin beards, and if they keep them edged neatly and all that then guys can definitely look good in beards. Especially if the guy has a baby face, growing facial hair can make him look like a whole new, more manly guy! Benefit. AND I'm a girl and happen to LOVE facial hair. You shouldn't generalize and say girls don't like beards because if NO girl ever liked a beard guys wouldn't grow them.

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  14. I 100% completely disagree with the Anonymous girls (?) who insist chicks don't dig beards. Maybe SOME girls don't like beards, but I know a large number of them (myself included) who are big fans and, in fact, prefer a nicely trimmed, hairy face.

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  15. shel silverstein, anyone? happens to be one of my favorites, too:
    my beard grows down to my toes
    i never wears no clothes
    i wrap my hair around my bare
    and down the road i goes

    -instead of an elephant

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  16. PS: beards are orgasmic and i love them.

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  17. the fat guy jaw line beards are usually known as "anchor beards" because they usually line the jaw and go up the middle to the lower lip, thus resembling in the faintest sense, an old timey popeye ship anchor.

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  18. LOL'd at "I'm a level 85 dwarf priest!"

    Oh, and the goatee guy... looks like my ex-husband. Seriously.

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  19. Totally laughed at the WoW joke and the guy who was all "I'm gay now"
    xD

    Because yes, a man with a non-fussed beard can be extremely attractive. Downright sexy even. If my face is ever fit for a beard, this will be my bible of beardedness

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  20. I personally love beards. One of the biggest things that separates men from women is testosterone. If a guy has a decent beard he oozes manliness.

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  21. My hair isn't long enough to create a hair-beard, how am I supposed to rake in the admirers?!

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  22. I was all excited about the possibility of there being a picture of you and your fab beard at the end of this post.

    hope crushed.

    but loved it nonetheless.

    and I know every girl at some point in time has done the braided-hair beard.

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  23. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBeSi-ODfJk

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  24. Just wait 'til it turns gray. Because it will, it will. . . .

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  25. I can tell you live in Portland. :)

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  26. You go to burning man AND play wow!? I do belive we'd be great friends(soulmates!!) if I were your age

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  27. your blog is addictive! in LOVE with your illustrations! great work!

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  28. the one with the jaw line beard looks like Gary .. from.. yah.. you know! haha

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  29. Anti-beard, anonymous chicks(/commenters) are wrong and should be discouraged from ever writing in comment sections regarding facial hair. "Beards R taking over the world - get used 2 it." I <3 No Shave November (/Don't Shave December / Manuary etc)

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  30. The hair-beard, how did you know?! I always do that! xD
    Amazing post, thanks for making me laugh :)

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  31. sir, I must lodge a complaint. You are underrepresenting the muttonshop subculture. This is simply unacceptable! Fix it at once!

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  32. Usually when I stumbleupon something like this, I read one post and never visit the site again. However, your writing and drawing style keeps me subscribed and coming back for more! Great stuff!

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  33. I know someone already said it but I was thinking it as soon as I started reading this, go listen to Beard Lust by Natalie Portman's Shaved Head!

    And also, will you marry me?

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  34. This is awesome. My wife demands that I wear a beard at all times, and I dig it. A man without a beard is the same as every other woman and child.

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  35. bahahah fuckin hilarious ,'not fooling anybody, sir'....fml you're one funny bastard.

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  36. I've definitely done the hair beard before.

    And...that spider beard picture...I dont...what...I can't...OH DEAR GOD.

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  37. Beards are the best, pretty sure that all the ladies should love them. I know I do.

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  38. My boyfriend had a bit of a chin-strap thing going on when I met him. And then I happened. Now he wears a beard and holycrapiwanttorubonhisfaceallthetime. Then again, I'm just really into facial hair.

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  39. THE CHEESY GOODNESSSeptember 9, 2011 at 9:06 PM

    My husband has passed through every stage of beard-dom at some point in his adult life, until I have finally embarrassed him into keeping it well-maintained or not keeping it at all. It's like having a pet, if you can't be a responsible owner, someone should come in with law enforcement and take it away from you. Now THAT would make for some great TV.

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  40. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  41. Beards? Pah! It's all about the moustache

    http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/moustaches/

    Because a moustache adds a little bit of class.

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  42. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. The third or fourth comment says, "fyi, girls don't like beards." That is COMPLETELY inaccurate. Girls who don't like beards are lesbians. That is a statistically proven fact. Beards are awesome. SCIENCE SAYS SO.

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  43. that fat guy with the fake jawline beard thing is definitely gary from teen mom, no doubt.

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  44. I reckon you'd look hotter without the Beard Adam. I don't mind the 5 o'clock shadow, but big honking beards... no thanks. If I'm going to kiss a guy, I don't want a mouth full of hair... if I did, I wouldn't be kissing above the belly button anyway =P

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  45. I'm sending this to my husband... Thank you, God of beard maintenance. *bow* *shuffle away backwards*

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  46. The Anon girls (or perhaps guys who are always passed up for men with beards posting anonymously) haven't a clue. Any woman worth having welcomes a good beard when her man can grow it. All the best males you know in life have beards, and that is a scientific fact.

    Beard on, my friends. Beard on.

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  47. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  48. Judging from your expertise, I am guessing you can answer a question which has plagued me for many years:

    What is a fellow with fine blond hair supposed to do? Are we nullified from all beard-dom, or is there a way to make the "clear" beard look cool?

    Please help.

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  49. I love a good beard, but it cannot be a prickly thing. I want to kiss my bearded man and not be left with stubble-rub. Some of those hairs are like cactus spines!

    Landis Blair, you are forgetting about Vikings. They made the blonde beard look positively righteous.

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  50. I love my beard and, as long as I keep it maintained and trimmed and it's long enough to not be prickly, my girlfriend loves it too. I've found that 9-15 mm seems to be ideal for kissing and cleanliness. And I'm blond, but for some reason my beard has a lot of red and brown hair, enough to make it look full even with the blond.

    Beards rock and so does your blog.

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  51. To those who say ladies don't like beards- My bf has had a long (chest length), thick, red beard for as long as I can remember, and I love it. Money and penis size don't factor in at all to why I like him. I love his beard. He also has long, curly, blonde hair most of the way down his back.

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    Replies
    1. Is his name Marco Hietala?

      Coz that mine inspired me to grow my beard :)

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  52. OOooooohhhhh! I thought this was going to be about how you keep the girl you bring with you to family events happy. Your "beard"! HA!

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  53. I hate my husband's beard because it's the scratchiest thing in the world. He also becomes a tad obsessive with its grooming and care. The only reason I let him have it is because it's red and every other single person on the planet loves his ridiculous beard.

    I should get a flipping medal for this.

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  54. I wish you would update more. I've been reading your blog for soooo long but i need moreeee!!!!!

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  55. A good friend of mine spent our college years tromping around in leather and decorative chains, like a young Hagrid. (Gentle as a lamb.) As he says: "There are only two kinds of people in this world who do not have beards; women and children, and I am neither."

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  56. KateEvos, Vikings do not grow blond hair, they grow straw hair.

    My facial hair ranges from translucent to transparent, meaning that if I try growing a beard I look like a dandelion gone to seed.

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  57. You should check out the band Natalie Portman's Shaved Head. They have a song called Beard Lust and it's all about the daily maintenance of beards.

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    Replies
    1. You should read the rest of the comments methinks. But agreed.

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  58. Landis Blair, surely you're being hard on yourself. However "a dandelion gone to seed" is a pretty funny description.

    I suppose I can relate in that my eyebrows are blonde and I always envy those women with enormous dark brows (or visable ones at least).

    Perhaps some beard dye is in order?

    Also, as far as Vikings go, I think that their scruffyness is part of their manly charm.

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  59. I appreciate the LOOK of a beard (on some men...), but I could honestly never get it on with a bearded dude. Beard hair is like pubic hair: coarse and scratchy. Yech.

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  60. Adam funneeee make Ernie laugh gooood.

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  61. Beards are like pubic hair for the face... It's scratchy, smelly, and unpleasant to have rubbing against your clean, hairless face... A bit of 5 o'clock stubble is appealing to the eye, but nothing more. And all though I am highly turned off by beards, I still enjoy looking at the crazy ways some gentlemen style their beards... (Google "beard cage")

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  62. Makes me think of the song Beard Lust by NPSH / Brite Futures.... whatever the hell their name is.

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  63. "Not fooling anybody, Sir." LOOOOOL!!

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  64. I really love your work Adam, and this post is hilarious (welcome to your nightmare, bahahaha that shit is great) but i have to say... women don't dig the facial hair

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  65. To quote the great George Carlin:
    "See my beard?
    Ain't it weird?
    Don't be skeered,
    It's just a beard."

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  66. as the proud owner of what could be called a Long Lincoln, i approve of this post. also, spiders in beards are TOTALLY a thing. had a bandmate once with sort of a zakk wylde thing going on and on at least two occasions, he managed to find a dead spider in his facial locks.

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  67. I have the last picture tattooed on my arm. I'm a lover of beards and thought that picture was perfect!

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  68. I must disagree with your advice to "be sure your beard stops just under your jaw."

    That's good advice if you want to look like a clown.

    A beard is not a mask. It should be grown down to about 2 finger-widths under the jaw. That's the style pleasing to most faces. Even down to the Adam's apple, depending on the face.

    And as long as it's clean, it does not matter how long it is.

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  69. i love a man with a good beard.

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  70. Olive Oyl sang it for me... *I like a CLEAN shaven man*...

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  71. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  72. As a proud beard owner (who was referred to this article), I feel the need to say this:

    Women, STOP APPLYING YOUR VIEWS TO THE ENTIRE FEMALE COMMUNITY.

    Herpette: "Chicks love beards."
    Herpette 2: "No, Herpette, all women hate beards. Didn't you see? Spiders live in them.

    It is confusing and frustrating, so leave it to the objective ladies' man: Adam.

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  73. No usable advice here. If you want to actually learn something useful search for Jeff's Beard Board. If you want a 9gag cartoon keep reading this kak.

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  74. The same girls that don't like beards don't know how to suck a @#%$ properly and handle it like it's broken easily, not my style...

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  75. The same girls that don't like beards don't know how to suck a @#%$ properly and handle it like it's broken easily, not my style...

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  77. Some girls like beards some girls don't, It's all a matter of what you find attractive. I personally believe that it depends on the person and style of beard they have. You should be careful though certain styles will make you look like a douche nozzle.

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