I'm not a water person, I'm discovering.
I became aware of this fact years ago, when the water temple in Ocarina of Time frustrated me so badly I sent a Nintendo 64 controller through the window. Ever since I've had a rocky relationship with bodies of water at best.
I recently spent some time on Nantucket Island, and confirmed that my shyness of water hadn't diminished. Despite my efforts to appear capable and competent in the ocean, the waves tossed around my lanky noodle body like a sack of dead badgers.
Though on this particular vacation, battling the ocean turned out to be the least of my worries. As I'm almost entirely nocturnal, my experience with the sun's rays are mostly limited, and I always seem to underestimate how much sun is too much sun. It's rare I even get the opportunity to spend time in sunny climes, so I tend to be a little reckless when it comes to UV rays.
Compound this with the fact that separate parts of my body tan in vastly different degrees and shades, and by the time I bid farewell to Nantucket I looked completely silly.
Roasting my flesh wasn't the only reason I was trolling the east coast. Late into my vacation I spent an afternoon with my friend Kristin, who has a blog of her own where she bakes cakes that don't look like cakes. Just like on that one show. You know, the one with cakes. The cake show. You know the one.
Anyway, prior to my visit, we discussed what kind of cake we should make. Kristin turned down the majority of my suggestions because she is a lady with tender ladylike emotions.
Perhaps I'd swallowed too much sea water while lounging on the beach, but I found myself in a nautical mood and ultimately suggested we make a cake with a maritime theme. We settled on a lobster, probably because our cake-making date was fast approaching and we were running out of ideas.
I'd made a cake with Kristin a few months ago, but I wasn't much help. My main job turned out to be eating layers of fondant while she poured her blood, sweat, and tears into making a cake.
This time, however, I was determined to be cooperative and productive. When I arrived at Kristin's apartment she suggested we make a sketch of the cake beforehand, because that's what professionals do, and Kristin is a professional lady.
The first sketch I made wasn't fantastic:
"What is that?" asked Kristin. "I mean, seriously. What even is that?"
I gave it a second try:
"That's nothing. That's awful. Get out of my apartment, Adam."
With our friendship deteriorating in front of us, I attempted a final, more detail-oriented sketch of a lobster.
Kristin rolled her eyes and declared that sketches are for dummies. Then she called me a dummy and stabbed me a few times with a cake knife, and if this story is going off the rails a bit it's because my memory is a little bit foggy and I'm embellishing, but this is my blog and you're only here for the pictures anyway, so pipe down.
An hour of slicing and rolling and molding later, we had a respectable lobster cake. A blue lobster cake, because Kristin didn't have any red left, which means she isn't actually very professional at all. I made a bunch of accessories for our lobster, because nobody wants to eat a plain old lobster cake, and slutty lobsters who over-accessorize are more fun than regular lobsters any day of the week.
See that classy necklace? That sexy bow? I made those. I'm a cake-making superstar, just like that one guy on that show about cakes. Both Kristin and I found that baking is easier when you take at least a dozen breaks to watch Paula Deen videos on YouTube, and I feel our cake's success was as much Mrs. Deen's doing as our own. Our favorite by far was this one, which we eventually just put on loop while we caked our hearts out:
Looking at our creation, I began to imagine what kind of awful things this trashy lobster would say. Perhaps it was because I overanalyze everything, or perhaps it's because I knew if I was going to blog about this cake, I'd need more funny pictures.
I'm pretty sure I'm friends with this lobster on Facebook.
At any rate, take a moment to read Kristin's very funny blog post about our adventure.