Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Let Me Eat Cake

I'm not a water person, I'm discovering.

I became aware of this fact years ago, when the water temple in Ocarina of Time frustrated me so badly I sent a Nintendo 64 controller through the window. Ever since I've had a rocky relationship with bodies of water at best.

I recently spent some time on Nantucket Island, and confirmed that my shyness of water hadn't diminished. Despite my efforts to appear capable and competent in the ocean, the waves tossed around my lanky noodle body like a sack of dead badgers.


Though on this particular vacation, battling the ocean turned out to be the least of my worries. As I'm almost entirely nocturnal, my experience with the sun's rays are mostly limited, and I always seem to underestimate how much sun is too much sun. It's rare I even get the opportunity to spend time in sunny climes, so I tend to be a little reckless when it comes to UV rays.


Compound this with the fact that separate parts of my body tan in vastly different degrees and shades, and by the time I bid farewell to Nantucket I looked completely silly.


Roasting my flesh wasn't the only reason I was trolling the east coast. Late into my vacation I spent an afternoon with my friend Kristin, who has a blog of her own where she bakes cakes that don't look like cakes. Just like on that one show. You know, the one with cakes. The cake show. You know the one.

Anyway, prior to my visit, we discussed what kind of cake we should make. Kristin turned down the majority of my suggestions because she is a lady with tender ladylike emotions.


Perhaps I'd swallowed too much sea water while lounging on the beach, but I found myself in a nautical mood and ultimately suggested we make a cake with a maritime theme. We settled on a lobster, probably because our cake-making date was fast approaching and we were running out of ideas.

I'd made a cake with Kristin a few months ago, but I wasn't much help. My main job turned out to be eating layers of fondant while she poured her blood, sweat, and tears into making a cake.


This time, however, I was determined to be cooperative and productive. When I arrived at Kristin's apartment she suggested we make a sketch of the cake beforehand, because that's what professionals do, and Kristin is a professional lady.

The first sketch I made wasn't fantastic:


"What is that?" asked Kristin. "I mean, seriously. What even is that?"

I gave it a second try:


"That's nothing. That's awful. Get out of my apartment, Adam."

With our friendship deteriorating in front of us, I attempted a final, more detail-oriented sketch of a lobster.


Kristin rolled her eyes and declared that sketches are for dummies. Then she called me a dummy and stabbed me a few times with a cake knife, and if this story is going off the rails a bit it's because my memory is a little bit foggy and I'm embellishing, but this is my blog and you're only here for the pictures anyway, so pipe down.

An hour of slicing and rolling and molding later, we had a respectable lobster cake. A blue lobster cake, because Kristin didn't have any red left, which means she isn't actually very professional at all. I made a bunch of accessories for our lobster, because nobody wants to eat a plain old lobster cake, and slutty lobsters who over-accessorize are more fun than regular lobsters any day of the week.


See that classy necklace? That sexy bow? I made those. I'm a cake-making superstar, just like that one guy on that show about cakes. Both Kristin and I found that baking is easier when you take at least a dozen breaks to watch Paula Deen videos on YouTube, and I feel our cake's success was as much Mrs. Deen's doing as our own. Our favorite by far was this one, which we eventually just put on loop while we caked our hearts out:

Looking at our creation, I began to imagine what kind of awful things this trashy lobster would say. Perhaps it was because I overanalyze everything, or perhaps it's because I knew if I was going to blog about this cake, I'd need more funny pictures.


I'm pretty sure I'm friends with this lobster on Facebook.

At any rate, take a moment to read Kristin's very funny blog post about our adventure.


  1. I love Kristin's blog (especially the one with the dinosaur), but you are much, much funnier. Plus, you have an awesome cat. So there's that.

  2. Fantastic, once again. I do love a slutty lobster, she should make an appearance on a t shirt!

    "You're only here for the pictures any, so pipe down."

    aahahahha, /,3

  3. I think Kristin needs to make a retarded cat cake.

    Though, I do find myself amused by a slutty lobster.

  4. I think the slutty lobster needs a Twitter where she says things like, "I hate hella fake bitches," and "goin out wit the girlzzz!," and other things of that nature. You all know what I'm talking about.

  5. That slutty lobster would say anything from the following Twitter account:!/FriendFromHS

  6. That Paula Deen video was life-changing. Love the lobster cake!

  7. So when will the "Can't handle me at my worst" drawing be on a shirt? Soon, I hope?

  8. Why do you love the Sun? D=
    I'd move way North so I could get away from it.
    And your Slut lobster cake rulz XD

  9. That Paula Deen video was terrifying and sexual.

    1. "I think we should go supreme with the donuts."

  10. I have to go home now. I have an hour till I get off work, but I must go home now and watch Paula Deen in slo mo.

  11. I live in Louisville, KY where the KY state fair just happened. During a night on the town (F.A.T. Friday to be exact, which is short for Frankfort Avenue Trolley) every time I got on the trolley, someone was talking about the krispy kreme hamburger. Yes. Two donuts sandwiching a burger.

    Paula is sick, yo.

    p.s. when I lived in Savannah, I worked for Paula Deen's personal assistant's sister and with Paula Deens personal house keeper. In fact, I think everyone in Savannah has worked for Paula somehow.

  12. "You're only here for the pictures any, so pipe down."

    Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! I love your drawings, but I'm actually a much bigger fan of your witty writing. I love the way you write.

    /Sanna (aspiring writer with a university degree in writing)

  13. It says I'm not allowed to read her blog. 403'd.
    Anyway, this blog was one of my favourites. Thanks braz.

  14. that video is horrifying. your blogs are hilarious, as always. god that cake.

  15. i can't read her blog either.

    403'd. :(

  16. Blue lobsters exist!! Technically, your cake is not scientifically/biologically incorrect :)

  17. It always makes my day when you put up a new comic! You're simply hilarious, thanks:]

    I also love slutty lobster, she would like Four Lokos...

  18. Cake! Lobsters! Paula Deen!

    Hilarious, as always.

    Also, water temple was a complete and utter bitch, and I dont blame you for throwing your controller out the window.

  19. Lita and the boys in MelbourneAugust 31, 2011 at 4:59 PM

    Actually, I am here for the cat stories, the other stories and the pictures are icing on the cake - so relevant to today's post, dontcha think? Oh, and just so you know, mint coloured shorts? (saw them on Kirstyn's blog) whatever were you thinking, girlfriend? You'll never get a gal that way,then again...the multi-coloured sun streaks may win that unsuspecting lass for you. Funny man. You should try the Australian sun.

  20. i am on nantucket right now!!!

  21. I now really want to make a raspberry filled dead baby cake! That made laugh soo hard. Good shit bro!

  22. Hey Adam, I saw your friend Kristin's blog and it turns out you are very handsome! Your drawings of yourself don't do you justice. Loved the lobster ho.

  23. Not to be a stickler for spelling or anything.. But " Ocarina of Time frustrated be so badly.." I think you meant to say me! Unless it was frustrating bees. Which would be completely awesome.

  24. The Cheesy GoodnessAugust 31, 2011 at 8:03 PM

    It's a bit redundant to mark your lobster with SLUT. Doesn't the trampy red bow and over-the-top, flat out skanky fondant jewelry and red lipstick just scream of slutty by themselves? Overkill, I tell you! OVERKILL! But then again, I think you just wanted to label the lobster as some Freudian, disassociative projection of your inner subconscious hatred of your own sexual frustrations. Or maybe the lobster really is a slut. Those blue ones usually are.

  25. nice speedo XD And great cake too!

  26. The Paula Deen video is horrifying. I like the Lobsta whore though.

  27. the lobster looks whoreishly delicious! you on the other hand, mildly resemble a deranged, gay nurse(in the pics posted on your ladyfriend's blog).

  28. ...not that there's anything wrong with that *chuckles to self about pilfered seinfeld dialogue*

  29. Reading your blog during class is the biggest mistake. It's so hard to be all serious law student when I'm reading a/b a slutty lobster cake.

    & that gif might be one of the most best gifs ever.

  30. What is the link for Kristen's blog?

  31. Lmao! I love your blog seriously! The way you describe things and the pictures...I find myself coming back for a good laugh! You're fantastic!

  32. I have to stop and finally leave a comment just to tell you that while your "derpy" pictures are talented and hilarious, it's your wit and humour in your writing style that has me returning, eager for more! Thanks for making the internet a better place :)
    p.s. Say hi to Lola and her sister for me!

  33. So can the slutty Lobster make a return appearance with a pimp critter or maybe her dealer critter? I see a lot of interesting story lines here.

  34. My boyfriend just broke up with me and as a pick me up I came here in hopes of a new, and hilarious post for a pick me up, Thanks for being the one male who doesn't disappoint. You rock my socks

  35. @NERNSEY "You're only here for the pictures so pipe down" e.e I think that was awesome what chu did thar. Since pretty much anyone who finds that hilarious and then posts it, is not piping down and then becomes a slightly hypocritical buttmunch. ._. *snort* Well done. Also, water is evil because it attracts Seagulls who are also evil. And would probably steal your poor slutty lobster friend who's name I've just decided is Tammy.

  36. Oh my god I hated the water level in ocarina of time, so much in my soul,so many wasted hours. Also my kitty's name is Lola too! I usually sing to her that she is a showgirl.

  37. Water levels were always my favorite until after they came out with 64bit games. Now they are always just awful. I miss baby yoshis that send you rocketing through that water. wait. Sonic also sucked in water, that was pre 64... whatever. Yeah water sucks.

  38. I'll just leave this here:

  39. I was puzzled by the curly antennae of the blue slutty lobster. How can you make cake guts that are so bendy?

    Later, I was in the "baking needs" aisle, looking for unsweetened coconut flakes, when I saw the little box, and shouted MARZIPAN!!!!! The puzzle was solved, although fellow shoppers may have come to the conclusion that I have baking-product-Turret's Syndrome.

  40. You are hilarious!!!! Your comics always make me laugh like crazy!

  41. I made a fondant zit covered runny nose cake when I was in mortuary school in Gresham. I started with a Dora the Explorer mold, so I figure it came out allright.

  42. The Water Temple in Ocarina would make anyone throw a controller through a window. I'm pretty sure I've done it myself, on several separate occasions.

  43. I visited Kristen's blog, and let me just say, the pictures of you, Adam, were so hot! You look significantly better than your drawn pictures suggest. Your hair is great, teeth are so white, and your skin color is just sexy! Even though I hate facial hair, yours looks hot! &&& you have an amazing talent. I want yoou!!

  44. I abandoned the water temple for six months because I was a wimp. Also if you haven't played Wind Waker, do so.

  45. I'm not just here for the pictures.

  46. Also, I just checked out your friends blog, you're super pretty. If you're ever in Boise and wanna make out let me know.

  47. That Paula Deen clip was terrifying and disturbing. I don't want to go to sleep now for fear that Paula will show up in my dreams and try to force-feed me doughnut burgers.

  48. The water temples in Zelda games are always the worst! Love the lobster btw

  49. "I became aware of this fact years ago, when the water temple in Ocarina of Time frustrated me so badly I sent a Nintendo 64 controller through the window"

    You, sir, are my hero.

  50. It wasn't a slut...

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