Thursday, August 4, 2011

Better Living Through Chemistry

"There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror."
~Orson Welles

I'm flying across the country tomorrow, and it's no secret that I'm a terrible flyer. Up until now I've simply put up with the anxiety of air travel, but there comes a time in every well-to-do Caucasian male's life where he decides he ought to be medicated during life's inconveniences, and my time has come. I went to my doctor and lamented my issue, anticipating hesitation on his part, but instead he simply asked me how strong I wanted my medication to be. I told him I wanted the strongest.


I told him I wanted horse tranquilizers if they had them, but I had to settle for high-potency benzodiazepines. Fine, I'll take it. He recommended I try out a dosage when I picked up my prescription to make sure it didn't affect me negatively, and sent me on my way.

I expected the pharmacy to give me a few doses, but upon arriving at the pharmacy I was surprised to discover the good doctor had prescribed me thirty doses. Thirty. Did he think I lived on an airplane? But hey, who was I to complain? I had a little orange bottle full of courage, and I felt unstoppable. Never would I fear flying again. I was fearless. I was a GOD.


That night I followed the doctor's instructions and took a practice dosage. The results were unexpected.

12:25 AM

The meds kicked in, rather suddenly, about a half hour after I took them. I was beginning to think they weren't going to work so I was surprised when I started to feel loopy. I was sitting at my desk reading Creepypasta, because I'm a lazy blogger and that's what lazy bloggers do at night: they waste hours reading crap on the internet.


12:45 AM

Having exhausted my supply of creepy internet trash and deciding I wasn't sufficiently freaked out, I turned to Netflix. I noticed Eraserhead was streaming, so I wrapped myself in my blanket and instantly fast forwarded to the Lady in the Radiator scene, which proved horrifying in my drowsy and confused state.



I made it about 2 minutes before I had to turn the television off.

12:50 AM

I decided to sit down at my desk and draw for a bit, but apparently I was too far gone. I'd apparently forgotten how to draw altogether.


Instead I relocated to the couch, stuck band-aids all over my face, and took approximately five thousand pictures of myself in Photo Booth.


I don't know how much time I wasted doing this, because if I haven't made it clear yet, I was tripping balls.

1:30 (?) AM

Feeling unstable on my feed, I decided to cool it for a bit. I dimmed the lights, laid down on my yoga mat, and set my iPod to shuffle. At this point I was just curious to see when the drug would wear off so I would know what to expect on my flight. For an indeterminate amount of time I rested peacefully on my back as my speakers pumped tunes into the room, from Little Dragon to Kate Bush, Björk to Dinosaur Jr. When my iPod suddenly and abruptly switched to Lil Mama's "Lip Gloss," I experienced a minor revelation.


At that point I promptly passed out and woke up hours later, sunlight streaming into the room.

As of writing this, my flight is mere hours away, and I have no idea what to expect. I sincerely hope I have an aisle to myself, because there's no telling how I might react to another passenger.

Wish me luck, internets. This may be the end for me.


  1. Maybe try a quarter of a pill for the flight? You don't want to pass out and not be able to wake up.... never know where you'd end up!

  2. Just keep your clothes on and you should do fine.

  3. I take ativan when I fly. I take half when I get to the gate and the other half when I get seated. (and depending on how long the flights are, maybe another half at a layover)

    I haven't been kicked off of a flight yet!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. I suggest you tackle the flight the Irish way. Knock back a fuck load of Whiskey and sleep for the duration of the flight. I recommend it.

  6. Too bad planes don't have a Yoga mat area. you seem to do well there!

  7. Please tell me you unwittingly sent pictures of your face covered in band aids to someone

  8. Just man up, eat the a damn pill and dont ask for juice!!!

  9. I had to go immediately watch the lip gloss video on youtube. Sooo thanks for that. Good luck mijo!

  10. I would recommend NOT drinking on your new drugs (Seems like a no brainier, I know). I have the same sweaty-palm-shaking-and-screaming-at-the-guy-sitting-next-to-me fear of flying. I too took meds, however without the practice test. 15 minutes into flying terror I got myself a cocktail. Ended up spending most my flight hiding in the bathroom from the flight attendant good luck on your trip (both of them)

  11. Love it! Hope your flight goes well! Your stories always make my day better. Haha! :D

  12. I'm with the first person, take a small dose. I don't mean to make this worse but on the one in a billion chance there is an incident the flight crew need you to have your wits. Trust me on this one.

  13. i had the same issue :) and i liked it.

  14. Oooh, at least you remembered what happened! I never had a reaction like that to anti-anxiety medications (and I've been prescribed -or just taken - more than my fair share). My body either just relaxes or falls asleep. However, I've heard stories of friends blacking out and doing strange things and not remembering any of it for eight to twelve hour stretches. Then again, for all you know you didn't fall asleep... you got married, robbed a bakery and did the cha-cha with a police officer.

    Coincidentally, I just re-watched Bridesmaids again this morning and all I can think of is the airplane scene. So! Have fun! Don't get kicked off the plane in Wisconsin (or wherever) or tackled by a sky marshal. And don't fuck with Stove.

  15. I think maybe you're still a little bit under the influence... re-read this in 4-5 days, especially towards the end, and see what you think. (c:

    Also, thanks for making me laugh until I wept at the bandaids things. I needed that. (And can you send me a picture? I would cherish it forever.)

  16. I fully recommend drinking pre and post pill taking. Go big or go home.

  17. Good luck with the flight...I'd hate to read in the paper that one of the main sources of internet joy freaked out and was tackled by an air marshall; also tased while he refused to remain calm due to the trip-inducing drugs in his system. The taser of course had a negative effect on his brain and he was no longer able to communicate the complexities and absurdities of life through his art. Total tragedy bro. Seriously. Good luck.

  18. Eeeh. I took an anxiolytic last time I felt anxious. I started crying because I was feeling relaxed and so good that I thought my heart would stop beating and just doze off. Not me, MY HEART.

  19. Must see Bandaid pictures.

    My Anxiety makes me too anxious to take the medication. so im screwed.
    good luck on your trip.

  20. My sister and I are close to wetting our pants. Thank you. On my end, thank you for inspring my sister to sing the "Lip Gloss" song to explain what the crap you were talking about.

    Your stories are riotous, they really perk up my day. Thank you. My sister thanks you, but she thinks you're hot so it's a little different.

    She's also just vowed to stalk you.

  21. Damn, I want whatever the hell it is that you're on, I'm not even going on a plane, just want to liven up slow days at work. (I hate flying too though...the Orson Wells quote is bang on)

  22. Hahahahaha.
    You may want to try half a pill for the flight, Adam..

  23. Premonition...this word, I don't think it means what you think it means :)

  24. I like how your "tripping balls" artwork is better than my best artwork...

  25. Hooray for Bjork coming on the iPod! Also, you should try the flight to Sydney. It's tons of fun, especially when, once it's done, you realize you have to do it again to get back to America. Thirteen glorious hours of flying over the ocean.

  26. I was just listening to Little Dragon today - I absolutely love their new album

  27. omg please post some band aid pics hahahahaha, too funny

  28. Oh my goodness please post the bandaid pics.

    & please let us know of any shenanigans that occur on the flight due to the medicine. :)

  29. Haha good luck on your flight!

    And really, you should post at least some of these wonderful band-aid pictures. Oh please oh please? :P

  30. I just listened to the Lip Gloss song and I have to say that's has to be a pretty horrible song ;) Haha who'd sing all about lip gloss?? And then googled CreepyPasta, and the photos were enough to freak me out. I commend you for not tripping high while reading that blog. :) Enjoy the flight and I look forward to reading about your adventure to your destination!

  31. Thank you for knowing that the movie Eraserhead exists, and for acknowledging how mercilessly fucked up it is. Tripping balls or not.

  32. Double the dose: you won't feel anything.

  33. Do I have to refer you to your own comic about your summer camp ordeal? Remember? Sneaky Phoebe?

  34. Buona fortuna, in bocca al lupo! Good luck in the mouth of the wolf amico :)

  35. Haha, excellent! Lala meds are the best! :D
    Good luck on your flight. ;)

  36. Oh pleeeeeease write a post about the flight, the internet needs to hear about this.

  37. Hey look on the bright side, you didn't lead children into the woods this time.

  38. Cannot wait to hear about the flight! I´m also a very nervous flyer... Usually I ask at check-in if I can sit alone (I don´t want to freak another passenger out...). During the flight I sit with my eyes crammed back, fingers in ears so tight it´s painful, rock back and forth mumbling to myself: donotscreamdonotscreamdonotscream, itsoutofyourcontrolitsoutofyourcontrolitsoutofyourcontrol.

    For you to enjoy, here is a video of the dangerous landing I have to go through when coming home to Ísafjörður, Iceland. Notice how the mountain suddenly goes sideways towards the end. Yeh.

  39. Hmm...I've heard that lipgloss song before...I think that instead of taking your pills, you should instead play that song on loop and you'll be so distracted by wondering A: Why did I listen to a random stranger's advice. B: How annoying it is to listen to a Pre-Teen sing about lipgloss C: How easy it would be to just fling your iPod down the isle and e in blissful silence for the rest of the flight that you wouldn't even need the pills. :D

  40. I sincerely hope this is not the end for you and I see another wonderful episode to this obvious part one. Safe travels.

  41. HAHA oh man. when i started taking this new med for my seizures, i was hitting on waiters, grocery dudes, every guy within 20 feet, and everything was funny. even when a car bumped into my fender, i was giggling the whole time.

    ..and stripteases lol, theyll push you off the plane or the air marshall will brutally tackle you

  42. You, sir, are a wonderful person and a fantastic blogger. Please keep updating regularly.

  43. Thanks for introducing me to Little Dragon! I always look forward to the random glimpse into your playlist.

  44. Hahahaha you are brilliant, I think I love you!

  45. hold on a have a yoga mat?! why have you deprived us of the joyous chance to ridicule your potentially disastrous acrobatics?(unless of course, you are quite skilled at it and don't want your loyal readers to find out!...for unknown reasons)*narrows eyes* you're a crafty one.

  46. Orson Welles was clearly not a member of the mile high club!

  47. I want some of your drugs they sound like lots of fun

  48. Little Dragon was the only band you mentioned that I hadn't heard of that you mentioned. I downloaded an album and guess what - I LIKE 'EM. THANX ADAM, YOU'RE SO COOL AND YOU LISTEN TO COOL MUSIC AND NOW I DO TOO.

  49. Just pop a few pints at the local tavern before the trip. Works for me!

  50. The best part of this is how you listen to both Little Dragon and Dinosaur Jr.

  51. Have a great flight! ;) And please post those photo booth bandaid pictures... fantastic.

  52. oi, eu sou brasileira, e simplesmente amei seu trabalho. muito bom mesmo ;)

  53. Recently discovered your blog through a friend on Google+ and must say, I absolutely love it. Your particular sense of humor goes straight to my heart. Spent yesterday afternoon reading your archives and thoroughly enjoying each entry. You have a new devoted reader. You're brilliant!! =)

  54. Glad to find a male who enjoys Kate Bush.

  55. LOL you must have been tripping adam! lipgloss is awful and not at all a metaphor hahaha hope you survived your flight!

  56. I may need to try this someday. I hope you survived your flight! love your blog. I started following because Stumble kept bringing me here and I laughed so hard i was in tears. Keep it up!

  57. Hello! My first visit, will visit you again. Seriously, I thoroughly enjoyed your posts. Congratulations for your work. If you wish to follow back that would be great I'm at
    Thanks for sharing!

  58. Well. I have now read every single entry on this blog and I regret nothing.

    You are wonderful and hilarious and you have definitely gained a new commuted reader.

  59. A couple of gravol (or dramamine in the States) does wonders! Take 2 about a half hour before boarding and you'll be sleepin comforatbly before take-off! I always keep an extra handy in case of delays =D

  60. I love the fact that every single time I read your blog, I'm left wiping away tears from laughing so hard. Brilliant!

  61. You are hilarious! I am very curious to know how your flight went???

  62. You are my new straight man crush. Be honored. =P

  63. was it the end of you?!?

  64. I'm currently sitting in Koffi, high, trying to contain myself from falling out of my chair, I'm laughing so hard.
    Thanks for brightening my day. :D

  65. more! more! more!

  66. Considering how long it's been since you posted, I'm guessing that flight did not go well. Do they have internet at the Asylum, even? Or is it County?

    I miss you :[

  67. Pleaaaaaaaaaaase post again. It's been so long. I'm lonely. </3

  68. Yea, so I'm at work while I read this. Laughing, very, very loud. Literally almost just pissed myself. Thanks for that.

    How'd the flight go?

  69. You have good taste in music.


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