Thursday, July 28, 2011

No Cure For This

When I moved to Portland, I needed things. Namely furniture, since I don't have much of an ass and sitting on the floor every day gets uncomfortable. I'd long since learned that buying Ikea furniture is like throwing your money into a bonfire, so I turned to the hipster holy grail: thrift stores.

After some searching, I found a couple decent shelves, a coffee table, and a couch in surprisingly fine condition, all for less than two hundred bucks. I loaded the furniture into my hatchback and drove it home.

A few days later I noticed a strange smell around my apartment, and try as I might I couldn't locate the source. Since my mind always cooks up the most insane and horrifying explanation possible, I naturally assumed the worst: there was something dead inside the couch I'd purchased. Why else would it have been so cheap? Clearly someone had murdered a hooker, stuffed her inside their couch, then hastily sold it to the nearest consignment store.

bachelor01

Enamored with the idea that something was rotting inside my couch, I set about trying to eradicate it. Removing the cushions revealed nothing, so I flipped the couch over and inspected the bottom. Nothing. But I wasn't fooled. Something was in there, and I was going to figure out what. I grabbed a steak knife and sliced open the fabric.

bachelor02

Still nothing. Frustrated, I duct taped the gash, turned the couch right side up, and peered around my apartment curiously. Wherever the smell was emanating from, it was eluding me. Defeated, I did the only thing I could think of. I took a nap.

Later, at dinnertime, I realized I had no clean dishes to eat off, and begrudgingly accepted the fact that I'd have to wash some. That's when I discovered the source of the smell. It was coming from the sink. Particularly, a tea pot with rotting tea leaves inside of it. I suddenly recalled having made tea a week prior, then promptly forgetting to empty out the pot. The stench was aggressive.

bachelor04

Gagging, I emptied its contents, tied up the garbage, and hastily lugged it downstairs to the dumpster.

While riding the elevator back to my floor, I realized something: I'm disgusting. Not outright disgusting, but sort of secretly disgusting. By all accounts I'm exceptionally well put together––at times even fussy. But I had to face facts. I was gross.

I began to ponder this fact, recognizing that most of my adult accomplishments, especially my day-to-day conquests, were entirely reactionary. For instance, I only cleaned the apartment every week as a result of watching new Hoarders episodes and not being able to handle the nutjobs onscreen being consumed by junk.

bachelor03

About halfway through each episode, I'd begin to feel uncontrollably itchy, pause the TV, and clean everything. And it would never be enough. My entire apartment might be spotless, but I'd still feel like I was living in squalor.

bachelor05

At this point, I've come to grips with the fact that the teapot fiasco is simply the most recent example of Bacheloritis, a tragic disease I now understand I'm hopelessly stricken with. What's worse is I don't believe Bacheloritis is curable. A romantic partner may quiet the symptoms, but those of us plagued with the condition are doomed for life.

Bacheloritis manifests primarily during domestic scenarios. It's why I can't seem to do the dishes, ever. I'm fully aware that there are children in the world who don't have enough food to eat, let alone dishes to eat their nonexistent food off of, but it somehow doesn't seem to matter. When the time comes to wash a dish, it feels like a personal assault againt my freedoms. I look at my bottle of lemon scented Dawn and I'm tempted to call Amnesty International.

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Call it laziness if you will, but I think it goes deeper. It's cellular. It can't be simple apathy when to take out the trash would be a simpler option than the alternative, which is to carefully balance trash into a veritable garbage tower.

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It's like a game of Jenga, only instead of wood blocks, I'm playing with Starbucks cups and leftover Pad Thai, and instead of winning, everybody loses.

By far the worst symptoms of Bacheloritis are laundry related, because at that point you're bringing your disease out into the world and parading it in front of everyone. It can be tricky, since most dudes can manage to keep the disease in check as far as their clothes are concerned. A quick sniff test and we're good to go. In fact, I don't know a man alive who has ever washed a pair of jeans. The dirtier they get, the better. It's to be expected. It's a free pass.

bachelor06

But we grow lax, and that's when problems arise. I once wore a pair of ancient 501's for an entire afternoon without realizing a whole pepperoni had been stuck to them.

bachelor07

I felt like committing seppuku when I took them off that night and noticed it. By that point honorable suicide is the only acceptable option.

My own personal case of Bacheloritis reached its zenith last year, though I'd yet to come to terms with my illness and realize I needed help. I innocently purchased a copy of Fallout 3, naively unaware that videogames are the American Bachelor's drug of choice. For the next 4 days I lost myself completely. I neglected my own bodily needs in favor of searching the wastelands for more useless junk and better weapons with which to obliterate Super Mutants. Hours turned into days, days melted into nights, and I began to lose track of time altogether.

bachelor09

When I finally beat the game and emerged from my cocoon of putrescence, I was hardly recognizable, leery of the harsh and unfamiliar sunlight, confused as a newborn child.

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bachelor12

bachelor13

It's a constant battle, fighting to keep Bacheloritis from taking over my life altogether. Perhaps it's a war that can never truly be won. I fear it's ingrained into my bone marrow, but I won't give up, lest I be consumed by it. It might be easier if there was more awareness of the disease, and if people (ahem, ladies) realized that we just can't help it. We're sick. We didn't forget to take out the trash, we didn't see it. It's like color blindness. You wouldn't yell at your boyfriend for being color blind, right? It's the same when a guy walks by the trash piled at the door.




My name is Adam, and I have a disease. A diseeeeease. Take pity on me. And if you're heading to the grocery store, can you take the garbage out on your way? Because I'm sure as hell not gonna do it.

Wait. I mean... what garbage? I don't see any garbage.

145 comments:

  1. Great comic Adam!
    I have been reading your blog for at least a year, always entertained and impressed at your skill of telling a story.
    My name is HJ, and i have Bacheloritis.

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  2. You, sir, are brilliant.

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  3. I've never read a blog until I found yours, and now I follow it religiously. I cant get enough! Keep them coming they are fantastic!!

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  4. I cannot believe the degree to which this describes my boyfriend (and what I have come to tolerate as we have been living together the past four years). Things were looking up until New Vegas and all its expansions dropped, now we're rebuilding the Devil's Tower of trash.

    I just watched an episode of Hoarders and furiously cleaned, as well! Your timing is impeccable.

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  5. Great comic! I have been following you for about 6 months, uh not in the watching-you-sleep kind of way, the normal on-the-internet kind. In any case, your comics are great and I like how your drawings are so expressive. Very nice stuff!

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  6. Ok I started reading this and got to the part where you discover where the smell is coming from and I'm silently shaking with laughter at work, so I have to continue later because I'm afraid my boss is going to come see what I'm actually doing. I can already tell this is going to be excellent though, as usual :) <3.

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  7. This is hilarious. Luckily, my boyfriend is the clean freak in our relationship. I'm not quite hoarder-status, but I definitely get lazy.

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  8. Your comics are great Adam :) Your art is particularly wonderful too. Thanks for sharing it with us:)
    <3Morgan

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  9. S.S.B. (secret single behavior) - lol I heart you Adam

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  10. i'm a girl and i have this disease. this is bad. =P

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  11. I'm a middle aged female and I have this disease too. We need a support group, and possibly a charitable organization that sends out maid service.

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  12. Don't worry. I know plenty of girls who are equally, if not more, disgusting. You just need to avoid those ladies, since 2 dirties don't make a clean. Therefore, you and I can never be. Try not to cry, Adam. Everything will be okay.

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  13. With my artistic capabilities, intellect, and supreme cleaning skills... and your blogging, pinchable cheeks, and lack of hygiene... We would be a match made in heave.

    IN HEAVEN!

    But... you're from the internet.

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  14. gosh I absolutely love you Adam. You are way to funny for your own good. :)

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  15. I think my boyfriend and I have it too!! D: My boyfriend is going on a buissiness trip for a month and It gives me the chills just thinking about the fact that I'm gonna be stuck doing the dishes every day :´( But yes, hoarders definetly help... on the other hand I do plan on playing a lot of team fortress 2 this month... my house is gonna be a mess.

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  16. As I'm reading your latest story, reading each "symptom" I realize, i do all that stuff too.. and im a girl, 23 year of age, and im gross... according to you. so i guess its not just a guy thing[although for the most part it is]. maybe it has somethin to do with being raised by my dad.

    My name is Mina, and I have bachelorETTEitis.

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  17. females are not exempt from this nasty disease, i contracted it many years ago :)

    Great blog keep up the good work :)

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  18. I got stuck in fallout 3 and neglected to do anything else for about a week...

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  19. I don't know about any other girls out there, but I kind of love when a guy is like this. I love the boy who is outwardly well adjusted, capable, and responsible but is also secretly a mess and completely clueless when it comes to anything domestic. It's adorable in a helpless little puppy way.

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  20. Your cartoon ass is very nice I might add.

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  21. Yeah, I'm...pretty sure I'm a chick, and I totally have this disease too. I mean, I even pissed in a toy plastic teacup once. 

    What? What do you mean that's not a symptom?

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  22. Amateur. My apartment easily goes weeks at a time without getting cleaned.

    Great blog, dude.

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  23. You feared losing the female audience...almost all the commenters on this are female.

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  24. Oh man, my boyfriend is just like this!

    I didn't see him for a week and when I went over to his place he had bags upon bags of trash just sitting there.

    Just reading this entry makes me want to go to his house and clean!


    and I'm not even that clean myself, but Bacheloritis is just another level...

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  25. this is one way that i know i'm a fairly butch dyke.

    I'm a female, with bacheloritis.

    But living with a man has actually improved matters; he no longer eats ramen and hot dogs every night, and I no longer allow mountains of pizza boxes to accumulate.

    gentlemen, you need a dyke for a room mate. seriously. we remember to have soap and toilet paper in the bathroom, for one. added bonus? we will sometimes wash your jeans with ours, once they start failing the sniff test.

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  26. I have a horrible case of bachelorettitas, thankfully, the roles in my relationship are reversed, so my boyfriend is the neat freak and cleans up after me, or at least prompts me to clean up after myself.

    However, I have never found meat in my pocket, so I must have a low level case.

    I love the picture of you entering the world for the first time after a video game binge, all hairy and beast like. So funny.

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  27. oh..God...I'd better have a seat.... wait I AM sitting... my life resembles THAT..and I'm a woman..

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  28. My butch girlfriend also suffers this. But I'm learning how to trick her into being clean. That's healthy.. right? Tricking the people you love?? RIGHT?!?!!?

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  29. I'll cure your bacheloritis for you. I clean. I'm a waitress. I know how to deal with dishes and shit. ;D

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  30. This totally describes most of my past boyfriends (and since 'most' sounds kind of bad, I'll clarify: 2 out of 3!). One just genuinely never seemed to notice his mess, and the other had a 'cleaning catalyst' much like the effect of Hoarders on you - except his catalyst was when I came to visit (long distance relationship :p ). You're off the hook. It's a diseeeeeeeeeeeease, man...

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  31. I love this! Your blog is incredible. I just discovered it a week or so ago and find myself checking it everyday in hopes that you've posted something new, because alas, I've read all of your archived ones! If I may be so bold, I believe the disease your looking for in this post is BachelorOSIS. I only say this because the suffix -itis means inflammation of...therefore Bacheloritis would be inflammation of the bachelor whereas Bachelorosis is the condition of being a Bachelor. But then again, it's your disease so you can name it whatever your heart desires!

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  32. Awesome and hilarious. I especially like the panel saying "I was playing for 100 years!"

    Also, I watch Hoarders ALL THE TIME, but I use it as justification that my room really isn't that messy.

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  34. Oh. My. God. You've got it too. I thought ... I thought ... I thought [sob] I thought I was the only one. THE ONLY ONE! We should start a support group. Bachelorosis Anonymous. And there'd be meetings. MEETINGS! Don't know who would clean up the coffee afterwards though.

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  35. Major turn-off. I love your blog though :) Keep 'em coming.

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  36. i feel the same way about hoarders. the first time i saw the show i watched 5 episodes in a row. i freak the flip out. i cleaned every inch of our apartment and began throwing everything away. my craziness must have been apparent when i was debating on throwing away mu record player because my husband slowly entered the room like he was about to face down a rabid animal. he talked me down from my cleaning frenzy and forbid me to watch hoarders again. i still do when i need to clean the house lickety split but those are emergency situations. also doing the dishes is about the worst punishment ever. i would rather touch republicans than do the dishes. gag.

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  37. Lovin' on your Super Stud face

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  38. Well, add me to the list of chicks that suck at cleaning. I mean, suck at cleaning my OWN house. I'm great at keeping other things clean and tidy.

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  39. Thanks to your enlightening blog, I have realised that my husband also has Bacherlorsis, I feel just awful for telling him off!

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  40. Bacheloritis = inflammation of the bachelor. I like it.

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  41. I would just like to tell you that you're amazingly hilarious, and i love reading your stories.:)

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  42. I have to say that IS the funniest thing I have read all week. Now I'm a bit worried about getting married and having to clean up after someone as I must have the female version of this! Switch Fall out (It gives me weird nightmares and I start stock up on powdered eggs) for civilization. 0_0

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  43. The Very Best CatsJuly 28, 2011 at 3:36 PM

    Adam, I love this story. You are so talented. The the drawings are great. It was so nice to see you in Eureka. Stay in touch...Mary Ann

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  44. not just an affliction for men. If it weren't for my mom I'd be drowning in my own filth by now.

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  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  46. You're doomed.

    I laughed.

    Thanks for that, and for the opening corn dog and cupcake.

    Nice. Very nice.

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  47. I suffer from Bacheloretteitis...do not fear, you and the male species are not alone.

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  48. Haha don't pathologize bachelor laziness, no excuse!

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  49. Lol I suffer from bacheloretteitis. I think most girls do we're just more discrete about it! xD

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  50. I can't help but wonder how many chicks read this and are all "I'd be willing to do your dishes and take out the trash because this blog tells me you're hilarious and I love a man with a good sense of humor, so what if you're messy, at least you admit it."

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  51. Hi, My name is Michelle and I suffer from Bacheloretteitis. It's kind of like Bacheloritis, only worse. We hide it better, and blame other people for our laziness. Well. For the most part anyway.

    Love your blog, definitely keep writing & drawing!! :D

    -mm

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  52. My boyfriend is color blind and I always catch myself chiding him for putting lights with darks or darks with lights. The only things he never confuses are the whites.

    And we have trash valet, so the most he has to do is stick it outside of the door.

    He's incredibly lazy about dishes, though. I really do believe that's a guy thing. And in the true nature of compromise, he cooks dinner and I do the dishes. (Even though dishes are the most foul, disgusting, loathsome domestic task EVER.)

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  53. Well at least you didn't buy any of the add-ons. Especially the one that continues the story line from the ending of the base game.

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  54. Adam, I have fallen hopelessly in love with your stories. You are incredible!

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  55. You ... you played Fallout?


    YOU ARE NOW MY GOD.

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  56. Even before you said it, my first guess was a dead person in the couch. Is this creepy?

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  57. I found your blog 2 days ago, and I've already read all of it! AMAZING!!

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  58. I have been a long time fan of your blog, and I have to say this one alone speaks volumes for me.

    Bacheloritis is definitely an ailing condition, and video games are beyond a doubt the drug of choice for bachelors. I've been playing New Vegas myself recently.

    Fallout, man. It sucks the life from you.

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  59. I have this in the worst way. I tend to clean up after everyone I'm in a relationship with or living with. The problem is that I will NOT clean my own messes. It's like I'm oblivious until it's too bad to deal with. I'll go to the gym and then shower.. and put on my nasty clothes again because I don't want to walk alllll the way down the hall. Those 10 feet could wear me out and I might fall to my death. Better to play it safe and dirty.

    I wish you luck with your disease. If I ever find a cure I'll pass it along.

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  60. Thanks. Now I'm compelled to clean my part of the apartment. And change my shirt. Friggin' great.

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  61. I'm a girl, with so-called bacheloritis. seriously, don't just assume that 'it's a guy thing' because you might alienate some of your female readers. that being said, great comic, and i always read them.

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  62. Bravo!! :) It's just fabulous, but that's no surprise.

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  63. This is a sign from Go--... Adam. And now I must clean the cave that is my bachelorette pad, Bachelorette-itis be damned! *dons the Rubber Gloves of Power and the Gas Mask of Protection* Clutter beware, for I am The Maid! *Que awesome theme music and maniacal laughter*

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  64. I have this disease in reverse! I can only keep up the facade of normalcy by imagining the horror on my fiance's face when he discovers the real, disgusting me. Unfortunately he's been away for a few weeks . . .

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  65. It sounds like you are suffering from a more mild version of the disease. I also feel the need to scrub down every surface of my apartment while watching Hoarders. Now, I avoid it at all costs so I don't feel guilty when balancing yet another dish on top of the already precarious pile or while attempting to eat pasta with a spoon because all of my forks are dirty.

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  66. Mr. Adam. Men are not the only ones who have Bacheloritis. We females have somthing similar. I, too, have bacheloretteitis. My hats off to a wonderful realization.

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  67. I agree with Pipa who said females also have it. I can go weeks without cleaning and then one day I look around and realize how nasty every thing has gotten. Definitely a disease....

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  68. I woke up with a receipt for fish sticks stuck to my face. Yes we men are disgusting.

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  69. My husband of 8 years still had this... I have a feeling your stuck with it for life!

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  70. I can COMPLETELY relate to the Fallout 3 play-for-days syndrome. I recently managed to get my hands on Fallout: New Vegas and it is no less addicting!

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  71. I definitely suffer from this. I've lived alone and/or have had too many male roommates, neither is conducive to things getting accomplished. Especially when there's no foreseeable reason for anyone else to be entering your homestead.

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  72. What I got from reading this:
    My husband and I HAVE to start watching Hoarders so we will clean regularly! :)
    Thank you for the laugh and letting us know we are not the only ones!(Even if I am a girl).

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  73. Can girls have bacheloritis, too? Because I swear I have all the symptoms.

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  74. Yeah, I'm a girl in my mid-twenties and I have Bacheloritis! Hoarders also motivates me to clean. I am about to move in with two guys and I am terrified about what is going to happen to this apartment because we don't have cable, so no Hoarders for motivation!

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  75. Rationalization is a beautiful thing...
    NOW I get why Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton live next-door to each other and not togther though they are in a relationship and have chldren together. I always thought it was a good idea, now I see it's brilliant. And if your girlfriend (whoever/whenever she may be) sees the sense in this arrangement, too, Adam, we'll, you, my friend, are screwed...and gosh, does that make me laugh or what?

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  76. I absolutely love your drawing when you're a Sim. I sometimes have moments where I think to myself "I'm so tired - my energy bar is totally a dark orange right now."

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  77. Oh man, dude I know exactly what you mean. Your posts never fail to elicit chukles from the barren wasteland of my life. I love you, man, keep up the good work.

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  78. You have some serious skills. I'm so impressed, and I love reading your blog.

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  79. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! LOVE.

    love, rach.
    www.so--hi.blogspot.com

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  80. I'm glad someone else is equally inspired to deep clean while watching Hoarders. I definitely feel your compulsory itch.

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  81. I...think ma and my fiance have this disease. Maybe we should watch hoarders every night to make us clean.

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  82. This was hilarious. I laughed pretty hard when I saw the sketch of you emerging from your room and hissing... good stuff.

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  83. rotting hooker corpses are always my go-to scenario when I smell something bad as well.

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  84. Ok, I must have bachaloretteitos.
    Hah, I laughed so hard when you screamed you were playing for 100 years.
    After I beat the game I was totally disappointed when I went to DC. I kept wondering why there were no Super Mutants.

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  85. You SERIOUSLY need to be picked up by someone and have all of this turned into a television adult cartoon. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!

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  86. Just epic man, and you nailed it. I have that disease and I've been trying to explain to my wife how I simply don't see the filth around me!

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  87. omg... this is just hysterical. I love your fluid writing style! I'm newly addicted. <3

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  88. recently came across this on stumbleupon and i think your HILARIOUS and clever! Im secretly addicted now...your comics make me giggle(:

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  89. Oh man ! This is hilarious !

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  90. My mom is frigging addicted to Hoarders. Screw that show! Good comic, though. Hilarious as usual.

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  91. So sad, but so true... I used to be unable to bring the trash out even though I just needed to bring it to the garbage room four feet from my apartment door, and now, I live in Alaska and they expect me to carry it outside, around my building and to the dumpster out in the woods?! I've found a wonderful way past this, there's garbage can out the front door of my building for you to toss your cigarette or starbucks cup into, yeah, I walk by there, seeming to be all casual now, and the jam the hell of my kitchen garbage bag, leaking egg yolks, some sort of disgusting brown liquid I haven't figured out yet where it came from, and whatever else, into that thing like a crazy person, before walking away as though it never happened!

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  92. Yep, as a college student living in a dormitory, I can self-diagnose myself with Bachelorette-itis. Only swap the videogames with TrueBlood. yep...

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  93. I stand up as another woman suffering from Bachelorette-itis.

    And, I can say, getting married doesn't fix it...

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  94. Also a female with this disease, to a frighteningly similar degree, I am actually well aware of that lovely smell that comes from rotting loose leaf tea in a tea pot.

    My boyfriend is horrified by this. I had an odd smell in my apartment for 2 weeks, finally realized it was due to a bag of onions under my counter that had been rotting for the last 2 weeks.

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  95. Wow. Hilarious! My bro all over.

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  96. This is one of my very favorites. I keep coming back to it over & over again. I giggle & laugh the whole time (the two are different you know...) & occaisonally snort. This blog, your comics, art, wit, charm & humor are just excellent. Top notch.

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  97. My name is Jessica, and I have bacheloretteitis.
    Hahaha, I stumbled upon your blog and have been hooked ever since! Awesome.

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  98. Sometimes you are just seized with the impulse to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS. Fortunately, this never lasts long for me. That way I have lots of energy left over for important things like doodling and watching things on Youtube.

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  99. my name is Dee, and i have Bacheloritis, i swear the exact thing happened to me with the whole bad smell...except it was a dead mouse behind the fridge... -_-;

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  100. My boyfriend is gone three days out of four during the week. Each successive day that he is out of the house, dishes and clothing and used tissue paper accumulate. The day that he is due home, I frantically scurry about the house, throwing things everywhere and hoping that it approaches a modicum of clean; heavily depending on the definition of "clean". All, of course, 10 minutes before my bus leaves for work.

    It's a good system.

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  101. this made my day. especially the part about deep cleaning after watching hoarders. ha!

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  103. I'm pretty sure ALL guys have this disease lmao my fiance does, but I'm OCD, so it works out fantastically:)

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  104. Hey, I used some of your comics (properly referenced) for environmental awareness campaigns. Thank you very much!

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