Friday, July 8, 2011

Hulk Smash

I have a secret temper. It reveals itself once, maybe twice a year, but it's always devastating. When I lose my cool, the effects are felt far and wide, and the world is thrown into turmoil. Ships get caught in violent storms and sink to the bottom of the ocean. Crops fail and the elders weep atop smoky mountains. The sun dies out and eternal darkness overtakes the land.

It takes a lot for me to erupt, but when I do it's sort of like when a drunk girl blacks out after too many Mike's Hard Lemonades. I forget who I am and become a monster.

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Perhaps this is hyperbole, but the fact remains: deep down, I'm a crazy murderous nutjob. A few nights ago my temper exposed itself for the first time in ages, and for once, it may have been justified.

Picture it. Sicily, 1912. Oh, wait, that's how Sophia Petrillo starts her stories, not me. Sorry, let me start over.

Picture it. Portland, 2011. It was a warm, pleasant night, and I was driving home with the car windows down. The evening was peaceful and I found myself mostly alone on the road. The calm was disrupted, however, when I heard a faint chk chk chk sound from the side of the road, immediately followed by several tiny yellow objects sailing through the air directly in front of my windshield. A few more of them smacked into the side of my car. Then, before I even had time to realize what was happening, a final little yellow paintball was fired through the open passenger side window and pelted me upside the head.

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I immediately pulled over and got out of the car, scanning the the opposite side of the road, and noticed a couple of kids with paintball guns. They were trying, and largely failing, to hide behind some bushes. It was obvious the little bastards had been firing paintballs at passing cars.

I lost it.

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It was no use trying to bottle my rage. A throbbing welt was already forming on the side of my head. The kids in the bushes realized I could see them. They stood up, and we stared at each other for a brief, tense moment, realizing all hell was about to break loose.

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They dropped their guns and ran off into the trees. I chased after them, fueled by unbridled rage.

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I pursued them through the trees for a while, unsure of what I was going to do if I caught them. I had yellow paint dripping down my face and murder in my heart.

I chased the kids back to their house. They leapt in through an open window–the same window, I imagine, they had snuck out of earlier. One of the kids tried to close the window behind him, but I was too close. I nearly grabbed him, but he leapt away.

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I grabbed at nothing, flailing savagely, screaming at them, and they screamed back at me. For what seemed like an eternity, all we did was scream.

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I'd lost myself in that moment. It was then that I should have taken a step back and analyzed the situation. Had cooler heads prevailed, I might've calmly knocked on the front door and explained to the parents that they were raising tiny demon asshole children, and could they please remedy the situation, preferably with something sharp? But no, a switch had been flipped, and there was no turning back. I'd been shot in the face, and all I could taste then was vengeance.

Suddenly the door to the kids' room burst open. A woman stood in the doorway, looming large and dominant.

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At that point there were four of us screaming, at everything and nothing, a maddening din of confusion and anger. Then the women grabbed a broom from somewhere in the hallway and began jabbing it out the window at me.

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I realized that the best course of action would be to just leave, since I clearly wasn't getting anywhere. I glared at the woman and backed away slowly, leaving her to ponder what the hell had just happened.

Feeling defeated, I returned to my vehicle.

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No less furious than before, I kicked a tree on the way back, as if that could possibly be an outlet for my rage.

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I did so clumsily, and my ankle twisted awkwardly and painfully upon impact. Cursing my prolonged bad luck, I limped the rest of the way to my car, drove home, and went to bed. Still fuming, I promised that when I wrote about the incident later, I'd fabricate a new ending where I slaughter the children with a makeshift stone dagger and feast upon their still-beating hearts under a full moon.

In the morning, the damage to my ankle was obvious, and significantly more severe than I'd realized. By daybreak it had swollen to an alarming size.

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For the rest of the week I was incapacitated and disgruntled, limping around like a slightly less bitchy Heather Mills.

I don't know how I should've handled that situation. Should I have called the cops? Set fire to the kid's house? On the plus side, I feel my blind rage was justified for a change. On the downside, it turns out I'm no match for a couple of 9-year-olds. And isn't that the real tragedy?

91 comments:

  1. Ya should have kept their paintball guns!

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  2. Well, did you keep the guns? That would sure have ruined their summer!

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  3. Those little shit heads!! Go do society a favor and set fire to their house :)

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  4. I would've probably done the same thing you did (right up to kicking the tree; I've been known to kick buildings instead), but realistically you should have probably called the cops and/or talked to the mother.

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  5. "OH GIRL HOLD UP."

    Love it.

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  6. Something similar happened to me, 4 kids threw rocks at my super sweet astro van. I pulled over and saw them run into the house, I knocked on the door and told their mom, she then got super angry and when the door closed I heard her rip those kids a new one. Highly satisfying :)

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  7. This, by far, has been my favourite post by you!
    :)
    I, too, have a secret temper hidden deep, deep down.
    To get back at the children, just go to their house in the middle of the night with window paint and draw horrifying shapes on their window.
    They will never know who did it. :)

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  8. Hahahahahahahahahahaha xD

    "At that point there were four of us screaming, at everything and nothing, a maddening din of confusion and anger."

    Awesome. :')

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  9. why did you leave the car? cars can outrun children much faster than any man can, and paintball guns are no match for killer robot vengeance!

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  10. You should have shot them with their own paintball guns.

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  11. I would have went back, grabbed their paintball guns, then proceed to re-paint their house...much like how they decided to re-paint your car...then paint the woman, much like they painted you :)

    I'm sure the kids would have received an asswhooping, if the woman took a minute to think about it, she'd figure out it was their paintball guns and wonder why you had them.

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  12. I lost my shit, once again, reading this. OMGROFL.

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  13. I'm with those that say you should've kept the guns and waited outside their house and SHOT THEM IN THE FACE.

    IN THE FACE.

    And then made them kick trees until their ankles were oh-girl-hold-up swoll.

    Little fuckers.

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  14. That is remarkable! And you don't even get the paint clean-up paid for!Your blog is the best I've read in sometime. Keep it up.

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  15. you should have taken their guns and paintballed the shit outta their house haha

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  16. You should have kept the paintball guns, leave them in your car and when you saw them in the street *bang* you spray them...
    and then you will go to jail and a new comic will come of it XD

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  17. The perfect thing to do would have been to grab the kids' paintball guns that they dropped and pelt THEM. Taste of their own medicine, ya know?

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  18. too much call of duty for those kids?

    and poor tree! it didn't know what was coming.

    love, little.

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  19. This is a grand example of the need, nay the NECESSITY for birth control. If it makes you feel any better I once sprained my ankle so bad it turned black AT A JOHN MAYER CONCERT...yeah. Pathetic. Your tree-fight isn't looking so bad now is it?

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  20. Definitely gone back for the paint guns, returned to the house and emptied the guns at it.

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  21. I am sorry for your pain, but that was hilarious. xD Awkwardly laughing out loud at work hilarious.

    I live in Portland and secretly hope to witness one of your ridiculous life stories unfolding.

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  22. This just made my day, nay my year! I just died imagining you running after these terrified children. Awesome-sauce. Pure awesome-sauce.

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  23. the "kick picture" looks like it kinda deviates from your drawing style a bit.

    or so i think. but what do i know.

    heart the story.

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  24. Definitely should've pelted the house, then broke the guns and tossed them into their room.

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  25. Definitely ahould have called the cops I reckon. The kids would have got in big trouble, and the mother could have had to pay reparation if the paint fucks up your car.

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  26. I enjoyed the Kids Bop 34 in the corner there.

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  27. I know people are saying you should have picked up their guns and used them on the kids, but I think Adam Rage would have had to be beyond simple retribution.

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  28. And Adam is back :D
    The pics were a riot, but your STORYTELLING is what makes this blog awesome.

    Ah well, yellow isn't as bad as pink.

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  29. I don't blame you for chasing those little assholes. I'm probably in the minority here, but I think most kids are little jerks. That being said, because I am small, and can't run very fast or very far, or at all, I would have told their mother, or called the cops depending on how bad the damage to my car was (pretending I have a car that isn't already dented to hell, my poor Roxanne). I bet they had quite a scare though and hopefully learned their lesson.

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  30. I believe what you did was the correct thing in this case. I don't think I've ever seen anything so effective at correcting the behavior of children as scaring the heck out of them. This is best done by strangers because the children know how far someone who is close to them will go, but a stranger is an unknown entity. Sometimes all it requires is pure, serious eye contact. Their lives will forever be changed. I commend you.

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  31. Oh my lord. Do not read this while eating. Particularly Cheerios. I literally spat cereal and milk at my poor computer screen and keyboard as I giggled uncontrollably.ALSO, this has been the first time I've even smiled since yesterday. Effing flu. Thanks :D

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  32. Everyone knows Sophia Petrillo starts her stories with "Picture it: Sicily, 1922. Right? RIGHT?!

    Or not. Sorry. I just really love the Golden Girls. XD

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  33. Lita and the boys in MelbourneJuly 10, 2011 at 6:02 PM

    Yeah, you could have taken their painball guns and painted their arses! as for you twisted ankle; boo-hoo-hoo girlfriend,
    boo-hoo-hoo...

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  34. Ahahahaha this was hilarious. Although, now the mother thinks you're some sort of psycho and didn't punish their kids, believing it was all your fault.

    (I would have totally chased them too, though.)

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  35. "I'm a crazy MURDEROUS nutjob."

    "They leapt in through AN open window.."

    Just saying.

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  36. why is the ad on the bottom for learning how to poison various things like CHILDREN, swimming pools, air/skin, and raid(???)? How does one poison raid?

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  37. I would have been right there with you, Adam. I might have gotten into an altercation with the she-beast though!

    Freaking kids!

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  38. I don't think you lost the encounter. The kids were expecting to shoot cars with no reprisal at all. Instead they got chased by a maniac.

    And the broom woman will definitely have asked them what that was about. They'd probably lie, but she'd probably know it. And the dropped (and presumably lost) their guns.

    Overall I think they got a shock. I think you won.

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  39. I'm astonished by how many people think this is non-douchebaggish behaviour.... Hilarious article don't get me wrong, but the correct response is to chill the fuck out and stop being an arsehole. The kids didn't mean any harm; paintballs are water-based so they wash straight off, and tbh they probably didn't realise your window was open. It seems I'm in the minority here, but this is a prime example of a mind-boggling overreaction. Chill out man :p

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  40. @TheGabe- have you ever been shot in the face by a paintball gun? These little brats deserved it all, and more. "The kids didn't mean any harm" is exactly what's wrong with people. That shit HURTS, and they knew it.

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  41. ahahahahaah, imagine the story those kids have to tell their kids.... 'so, children, this one time i was a dumbass and decided to go shooting at cars with a paintball gun... then, a crazy guy got out of one the cars and chased me and my friend back to my house, where he then proceeded to try and climb through my window and rip mt head off until grandma chased him off with a broom. if it wasn't for grandma, i'd be dead and ya'll wouldn't be a alive.'

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  42. hellarius! Stumbled upon your facebook drawings and am no whooked on your blog! Nice work...but I bet the mom would have bea the s**t out of em if you'd told her what the lil sh**heads did!

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  43. Bratty kids. You should stalk them until they get their driver's licence and then you should paintball them the same way.

    Or you could paintball their house or at least their window now?

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  44. to bad you didn't keep the guns as some people had stated before me. I have to say though it's a good thing you didn't treat the kids as the hulk (you in this situation obviously) treated wolverine.

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  45. Obviously this post is hilarious, and I have found even more so at 1.30 am after dealing with kids all evening(church event thing). I Stumbled Upon one of your other posts, and it made me laugh, so I kept reading. By the time I finished, I realized one of the things I liked so much about your writing. Not just your writing voice, but also your lack of cursing and somewhat extensive vocabulary. I can tell, you are smart. Even if you may have acted a bit astronomically than the normal, sane person would have in the face of two ignorant and misguided children assaulting you. Write on, my friend! And draw on, I like your style.

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  46. I would have followed them to their house, knocked on the door and explained it to the mother. Then mentioned it the the police. Then took their paintball guns.
    That would have worked out the best, and gotten the little brats back.

    Ashamedly, I admit to having had a friend who did this once. At the park down the road from my house, with my paintball gun. I didn't actually shoot it though, so it's okay. I think my friend got caught in the end, but I'm not sure as I changed schools shortly after.

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  47. I love your painting style man! You are just perfect, thanks!
    Bill from Victoria Secret coupons

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  48. I know I'm kinda really late on commenting (I recently found your page and I LOVES IT!). Upon returning to your car you should have stole those little bastards paintball guns for hitting your face/car!

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  49. Oh GRACIOUS me, I haven't laughed that hard in ages! Thanks always for the good laugh.

    And I know you said this level of anger doesn't happen often, but I think you should wear purple shorts on mondays. Then, when the anger kicks in next time, there will be a one in seven chance that your victims will know you mean business.

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  50. Oh societal resource leeches!

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  51. I would have shot at them with their own paintball guns, then either kept the guns or broken them over my knee.

    Cruel? Maybe. Just? Absolutely.

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  52. Oh my god. I just died laughing during the entire comic. I don't think I've ever laughed that hard reading before! I love you, Adam. Please write more of these fantastic tales!

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  53. OMG, I know this is old news by now, but I just discovered your blog & this had me in stitches! Personally, I like the idea of blowing up the pic of the Mom barging into the room to billboard size & planting it in their front yard. Too funny!

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  54. I just love how there is a Kids Bop 34 and a Slayer CD in the corner of the kids' room.

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  55. Did you at least get the paintball guns?

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  84. The kids didn't mean any harm; paintballs are water-based so they wash straight off, and tbh they probably didn't realise your window was open. It seems I'm in the minority here, but this is a prime example of a mind-boggling overreaction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiyppgTormI

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