Thursday, June 16, 2011

Two Stupid Cats

It occurs to me I never mentioned that Lola, my lovable but not-all-there kitty, has a sister named Emmy. Emmy is her polar opposite: moody, intelligent, and horribly unfriendly. I remember when I adopted them at the Kitten Rescue. Lola sat there like a tiny furry beached whale, staring off into space, and Emmy was hunched in the corner of her cage scowling at everyone that walked by. I imagined that if Emmy was a human, she'd have a tattered journal full of Morrissey-esque poetry.


I had no idea what I was in for when I picked them out. It would be easy if kittens could speak, so they could tell you what kind of terrible cats they'll grow up to be. I'm sure it wouldn't have deterred me from taking them home and loving them to friggin' pieces, but it would certainly make things easier to have that bit of foresight.



As they got older, their distinctive personalities differed more and more. Lola grew sweeter and dumber, like a feline version of Britney Spears, and Emmy got meaner and more vicious. Tossing an empty box on the floor illustrates their personalities perfectly.

Lola will become one with the box.


Emmy will destroy it.


Lola is an ideal example of the timeless "Cats Don't Care" adage. Whether she's simply unfettered by external stimuli, or just too dumb to realize what's going on, she isn't bothered by much.


Emmy, on the other hand, seldom lets anyone get near her.


It's a rare occurance when Emmy lets someone pet her, and it's always on her own terms. I might be doing some work on the couch, and she'll suddenly appear next to me looking disgruntled, but she'll situate herself by my side reluctantly as if to say, "You have 20 seconds of petting time. Savor it."


The pleasantries never last, however.


And yet, I can't help but love them both, awful as they are.

I've mentioned that Lola and Emmy now live at home with my mom, but I see them a couple times a year when I visit. For a few hours, they always act like they're going to be mad at me for staying away for so long. Lola hides, and Emmy does that thing cats do where they race from room to room, tearing around corners at Mach 5 speed.


Once they realize I'm sticking around for a while, the cats do a 180 and become overly friendly. At that point, they take turns gnawing on my feet and sleeping on my face. And I do mean on my face. It's the only time Emmy willingly shows affection, and I suspect it's just because she delights in keeping me awake at night. Lola is worse, though, because she's so much larger. I'm in constant danger of suffocating under the weight of Jabba the Cat.


On the primo night I'm left alone to sleep peacefully, danger is no less present. Emmy regards the humans in her house as practice prey, and a dozing person proves an easy target.





Moments later I'll feel claws in my back and awaken to Emmy tearing out of the room. If cats could laugh, I'm sure Emmy would be snickering to herself as she ran away.

My family celebrates Christmas in May, since we all despise travelling in the Winter. As such, I was home a couple weeks ago with presents in tow, but I made the mistake of waiting until I arrived at the house to wrap all the gifts I'd purchased. I took care of several boxes, then took a break to eat a snack. A few grapes, or a single potato chip––something of that sort. Swimsuit season is just around the corner, after all.

When I returned, all my hard work had been for naught.


Frozen in place and wide eyed, the furry little jerks had been caught red handed. After a few silent moments they booked it in opposite directions, and I set about rewrapping everything, cursing them quietly under my breath.

Pet ownership is a lot like being a parent, except your child never grows up past age 2, they eat birds, and they poop in boxes. Like kids, you can't strangle your pets, even when you want to. On the upside, cats are fuzzier than children, which almost single handedly makes up for all the hassle.


However, fuzzy kitty bellies only exist to mask the danger of razor sharp kitty talons.


Cats are bitches sometimes. And I love mine.


  1. Haha! I loved the last thought. Cat are bitchesss.

  2. My cats love to have their bellies scratched. They lay on their backs in our tiny hallway so that we have to step over them to proceed, and give us this grumpy look until we stop and rub them. Then they squirm around and act all adorable. We could ignore them... but that's actually a lie. Nobody can ignore something that cute. Damn cats >.<

  3. Thats why I hate cats >.<

  4. Emmy kind of reminds me of the cat from Itchy and Scratchy (I'm guessing it's Scratchy. Fuck if I know).

  5. I thought that Lola didn't "grow up" to be dumb, but that that was a side-effect of her drinking some antifreeze?

  6. my two dogs, harley and honda, are JUST LIKE YOUR CATS!!!!
    Honda is exactly like Lola, and Harley is exactly like Emmy!!!
    this certainly made my day because I can totally relate!!!

  7. My Grandkids have decided and informed me that Men & Boys are more like Dogs And that Girls and Women are very much like Cats!! :) I have to agree, it seems it could go that way sometimes! :)

  8. My Missy sounds a lot like your Emmy ;) her cuteness all comes out at night when no one's around. Then it's belly rub time, no matter how badly I need to sleep. Love the comic! It brightens my day when I see you've updated <3

  9. Fuzzy kitty belly...must cuddle with face! One thing left out of the cat owner handbook is that dander is worse than the talons they come equipped with lol...good job the posts

  10. Cats ARE bitches. But I love mine as well. And I can't leave mine alone with wrapping paper either. Their brats :)

  11. Your chest has a soulpatch.

  12. Your second to last picture is my life. And my kitten has a white fuzzy belly so imagine the temptation there?!

  13. I feel your pain. Literally. Luckily, though, it is nearly impossible to wake me up. So my cats probably just walk/lay all over me the entire time I'm sleeping.

  14. My cat's just like Emmy! she's a totaal violent freak and she never lets me et her but i love her sooo much!

  15. Love it! My friends cat Lucy-fur is just like Emmy!

  16. I hand raised what I thought would be the world's sweetest kitten. I used to carry him around in my boobs and he would sleep there all day. Once he grew up the little F@$%er would attack me at every opportunity. I still love him though. Damn cats.

  17. I love kitties. I wish I could have some but I am horribly allergic. When I was about 15 I attempted to hide a Russian Blue in my room, this didn't last long cause I ended up bot being able to breath and could barely stop sneezing and scratching my eyes out. Tis a shame :(

  18. Roommate from a few years ago during my freshmen year at college had two cats. One was super fluffy and dumb and the other was vengeful. I swear it tried suffocating me once when I was asleep not to mention it peed on my bed several times (cat pee is so hard to get out!). But i loved the fat dumb one, I would have kept him if I had a proper place for him especially since the owner graduated from college that year and abandoned both of her cats to move to another state. They didn't deserve that, I found a good home for them with her sister in AZ. This reminds me of them.

  19. I do believe you are the one who has been sneaking around outside my window watching my cat's behavior. hehe
    My cats are like this too.

  20. this is my favorite one so far!! <3 it

  21. Ugh. I wish my dog had perks like a cat. Alas, he's just a dumb asshole. Dammit Adam, you make me wish I could have a cat.

  22. I'm pretty sure I own the male versions of your cats! The face-sleeping and sleep-attacking, the stupidity and the evilness, they have it all.

  23. Lita and the boys in MelbourneJune 16, 2011 at 5:09 PM

    I have only ever had boy cats. My boy Fox was cuddly and furry and beautiful and he'd play fetch and then suddenly, he'd be over stimulated and determined to rip the veins from my arms/legs. It could get qite scary but I still loved him. He has passed now and all my other boy cats seem quite well behaved and social. Though I'm not sure the birds/rats in our street would agree...

  24. Saying that cats are bitches is like the most ironic thing ever, haha :D

  25. i also have two cats, sisters, who are almost precisely as you describe. one is interested only in attacking everything (she zooms about and leaps up to hug door jambs as she corners) and eschews human affection. the other will suffer any indignity as long as cuddles are included.

  26. I don't want to just be one of those crazy cat people who goes on and on about how this is such a good encapsulation of cats but... OHHYMGODDD SO CUUTEEE. <3 this. My kitty is like an exact average of your two kitties. Funny how cats lie on sort of a kitty continuum.

  27. Mysterious ghost paw in last frame...! or is there a third cat you'll reveal at a later date? :D

  28. Adam loves his bitches. :)

  29. I have boys, but they are just as insanely crazy as your two girls. Tigger was overly affectionate, wanting to wrap himself around my neck at night, I assume to prevent vampire attacks. Oreo is the undisputed king of our home and will occasionally lower himself to let me pet him. Bloo joined our family shortly before we lost Tigger to cancer. Bloo is my little grey baby. He sleeps on my chest at night (no position changes for me,) and on the few occasions I talk about getting new kittens he politely puts his paws over my mouth as if to say, "Shut yo mouth, Mamma!"

  30. The ShareThis button to repost on Facebook isn't working properly (at least not for me). I've found the AddThis gadget to work reliably in case ShareThis is indeed wonky.

  31. Funny blog. :-) Reminds me so much of Hyperbole and a Half.

  32. you finally uploaded thank god!

  33. catfish &lt;:)))June 17, 2011 at 1:22 AM

    Dear Sir,
    you are wonderful!

  34. Your cats sound so cute :), and wonderful art btw. One of mine that likes to experiment with food sources did a running vomit, only stopping long enough to get my school bag, note book, shows and well the door the other day.

  35. Lola in a box is my new favorite picture ever.... ohhh myyyy... love this post, so fantastic.

  36. Everytime I read your posts, I get a really big smile on my face. Sometimes i am still smiling when I go back upstairs and I creepy out my brother with it.

  37. A FANTASTIC post!
    It had me laughing out loud ~ especially as I could see my cat, Cross (who also now lives with my folks), in your hilarious description of Emmy (down to the night clawing, I tell ya) :)
    Will keep an eye out for your posts & look forward to more, brilliant, stuff in future ;)

  38. Hehehe, this is fibby and I's favorite post of yours. Hands down.

  39. I think I have your cats evil twins living with me, Fiona & Nibby. I showed this to my husband and we were crying we were laughing so hard, it is spot on with our cats! Especially the HORK, its so true, lol.

  40. I suspect Emmy tricked Lola into drinking the antifreeze when they were kittens.

  41. oh please, Adam. Every one of us here would sit on your face if we had a chance.

  42. These are MINE exactly! Oh, I hate them sometimes...then they do something cute and I put away the poison.

  43. i can never seem to resist the fuzzy cat belly...and i have scars to prove it!

  44. Ah yes, the exposed cat belly is the Trojan Horse of the feline world. It looks so fluffy and inviting, and yet when you pet it, you are met only with a violent whirlwind of claws and teeth. Cats are the fabulous bitches you love to keep around. :)

    They're my favorites.

    I love how Emmy looks like a grumpy old lady & Lola just kind of looks like a happy chubby little baby. :)

  46. Growing up, I had a real fat cat that just kinda loved around. She would also sleep on my face, threatening to kill me. To this day I can only fall asleep under my pillows.

  47. I love the story it is very true and cute.I hate the cats always.

  48. 'Hork'
    I laughed *out loud*. i really did.

  49. This comment has been removed by the author.

  50. love it..

    why do you (or rather, your cartoon self) have eyebrows when you sleep?

  51. Hahaha, this had me laughing insanely hard!! Lola's going to grow up and eat band aids!! haha

  52. In the last comic, Emmy is going a little Michael Jackson with that white paw...

  53. First time visiting your blog. Heard about it and had to take a peek to see if it's as good as I heard. Yup. It is. :)

    Loved this post! Funny, real and so entertaining! I really appreciate your artwork too--I know how time consuming it is to do this.

    Owl be bach! :D

  54. well, not all cats are like those. My cat has no action in his life, its very lazy and it just wants to sleep all day.

  55. This was so entertaining. My appropriately named Mischief likes to leave me presents in the oddest places. One night I woke up to a live bat sitting on my exposed shoulder. Three days later I finally found it under my bed. Mischief was quite put out that I captured it and released it outside. The soft belly is so, so true. I have become a well trained human after seven years though.

  56. Sounds like my 2 cats. One is in your face constantly and the other can't be bothered. But like you, i love them both.

  57. Your drawings of Emmy hunting you while sleeping reminded me of Simon's Cat "Cat Man Do" video:

    I half-expected Emmy to wield a baseball bat. Love the entry, love your cats.

  58. Emmy's like my cat Loki. I think they might be sole mates actually, Loki picks the time and place you pet him. If you dare get to close to soon the claws are out and scratching faster that you can say 'kitty'. Regardless, I love him, his rare counts of affection will have to do.

  59. I stumbled upon this, I absolutely love Lola and Emmy. I have had cats like this. Completely understand. Love your stories!

  60. Bwahaha! I loved the last thought. Cat are bitches. Mine just loves to sneak outside and drive me mental getting behind me so I can trip over him maybe that's why the little crapper I rescued him from named him New-fie he is as strange as my husband who is from Newfoundland. LOL.

  61. Love it. Love everything about it

  62. I found the similarities to your two cats and my two cats uncanny! We have a clumsy, fat male cat and a tiny, uptight she-devil. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

  63. My cats, Isabella and Alice [Twilight reference sheerly coincidental], are exactly like this. Bella is the loveable idiot who can jump 10 feet STRAIGHT UP, but can't jump into your lap without falling. Alice is the stuck up, snooty one who will sit in the middle of the room and yowl for attention, but bite you when you try to pet her. They're complete opposites, but the combination of them together makes for fantastic, cheap entertainment, when they aren't trying to eat/maim/kill you.

  64. Adam, I have tried and failed repeatedly to explain to friends about my cat, but nobody seems to believe me when I say "she just hasn't been the same since she drank that 409 as a kitten." One of my old roommates was CONVINCED she could train Bella to not push glasses full of water off the bed and to not try and sleep on everyone's faces (despite being launched across the room repeatedly). I think she and Lola are soulmates. I definitely feel like I'm dealing with an unusually destructive two-year-old. She's my baby, though, and I love her, and I will always fork out the $1300 in vet bills when she manages to somehow teleport herself outside my apartment and get herself lost in a hedge 25 feet from my front door for six days.

  65. I catch myself reading this post often times and it always makes me smile. Maybe it's just cause I'm a crazy cat lady myself, but it's so relateable. I love the part about your cat saying, "You have 30 seconds to pet me, savor it". My cat is kind of finicky too so I always imagine her saying that now when she allows me petting time. Anyway, keep up the brilliance and creativity! From, Fibby & Momma

  66. You are beyond awesome!

  67. Stumbled Upon this and automatically thought of you. Creepy, I know.

    Just trust me; it's hilarious. Cat haikus? Who doesn't love 'em?

  68. Omg, Emmy reminded me of my cat so much. She'll act all cute and cuddly but then'll bite the crap out of my arms. Her favorite time to do it is in the morning when I'm still sleeping.

  69. One of my cats is somehow a mix of both of yours. She's fat, stupid, ornery, greedy, moody, and unpredictable. And I love her to bits.

    Which I guess makes me a bit stupid. But I don't mind. =)

  70. Also, I'm pretty sure that using your cat as a pillow (gently) is the best possible thing you could do with your time. FUZZY TUMMY ASDHFJKSD

  71. The fuzzy kitty belly panel reminds me so much of Hobbes, it's ridiculous. ^^

  72. I can relate to your story. That was very creative. Thanks!

  73. Thank you for the hilarity, Adam. I was feeling pretty down and depressed and this cheered me right up :)

  74. no 1 will see this but i luv u adam!!

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  86. Why all the irrelevant comments?

    That being said, I love your kitties. Give each of them a hug for me.

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  88. Haha we had a cat like Emmy once......never let anyone get near him, but he was the best cat we've ever had!
    (Except for the stalking-while-you're-sleeping bit. He never came inside. I guess indoors was sharing an area with us lowly humans....)

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