Sunday, May 1, 2011

Two Milligrams of Sunshine

Finals week is a joke and every college student knows it.

Alright, correction: every cool college student knows it. No one actually studies, and if they do, they're nerds. Every semester in college I'd spend finals week sleeping 'til noon, playing videogames, and acquainting myself with different Boston microbrews. Somehow I'd still manage to ace my finals, but don't ask me how. It's a mystery.

One spring during junior year, I decided it would be a welcome change of pace to do something worthwhile with my free week. I stumbled across an ad for summer camp counselors, and the duration of camp just happened to coincide with finals week. I fished my cell phone out from under a pile of empty Sam Adams Imperial Stout bottles and dialed the camp's number.

I spoke to a pleasant woman on the phone named Mrs. Wilson, and she asked me a series of simple questions.

overdose01

To my credit, I was under the impression that any moron could perform CPR. I mean, it's basically just giving someone a really intense hug from behind, right? No, turns out that's the Heimlich Maneuver, and it's ineffective in returning life to a person in cardiac arrest. I should count my lucky stars no child has ever needed my medical assistance.

Mrs. Wilson asked me to fax her a resume, and a week later called back to notify me I had a job teaching Arts and Crafts during the first week-long phase of camp. I was required to attend a day-long counselor tutorial in the city, after which I was instructed to be at camp every day for my scheduled hour of Arts instruction. It all sounded easy enough.

Still, during the days leading up to the start of camp I grew increasingly nervous. I'd basically lied to get the job. What if they found me out? What if a kid died under my watch? I'd read the Harry Potter books, I knew that the forests are full of giant spiders that fucking eat children. My anxiety about camp grew, becoming unmanageable. I lamented to my friend Lucy about my predicament.

Lying to Mrs. Wilson was my first mistake, and confiding in Lucy was my second. I should have known better. Lucy wasn't particularly reliable. She was the kind of girl who would disappear from campus for 6 days and then suddenly return with a fading henna tattoo, half of her head shaved, and wearing six belts for no discernable reason.

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Lucy was always on the go. This was the girl who could barely pause to have her student ID photo taken, resulting in her looking like a melty beast.

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Still, I implored Lucy for advice. Hardly interested in my situation, she fished around in her desk drawer and responded, "Here, take some of my Xanax. I used to get really bad panic attacks, but it'll get rid of your anxiety, too."

Should I have trusted Lucy? Of course not. Lucy still had last Tuesday's mascara flaking off her eyelids. She wasn't exactly a well put together human being, but my nerves were affecting my common sense. I pocketed her Xanax with relief, and the next day hopped the train that would carry me out of town toward camp.

I only wish Lucy had notified me of the proper dosage.

I'd never been prescribed medication before, so I didn't know pills occasionally have to be cut in halfs or even fourths. As my train neared camp, I swallowed an entire pill, confident it would take the edge off. It took the edge off all right, and then some.

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Before long my anxiety had dissipated completely and was replaced with a wholly different sensation.

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To onlookers, I probably looked like someone who was just super jazzed about life, like maybe I'd finished an entire book of Sudoku puzzles on the train, or perhaps I'd had a particularly awesome BM that morning. On the inside, it was a different story. I felt invincible.

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It probably would have been wise to arrive at camp with ample time to spare, but I'm the type of guy who'd show up late to his own funeral. Besides, I wasn't required to be on-site until my scheduled teaching time, so I arrived high as a kite and with a dozen 9-year olds waiting for my instruction. Incapable of feeling nervous, I beamed at the children.

Let's get this party started, went my internal dialogue. Let's make some goddamned CRAFTS.

I was handed a list of names by a senior counselor, who then left me alone with the kids. I took roll and ordered everyone to gather around one of the art tables, barely able to contain my feeling of obscene levity. The campers all seemed jovial and well-behaved, and I believe everything would have worked out fine if it weren't for one treacherous snake of a child. Her name was Phoebe, and she was a sneak.

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While the other children gathered around politely and waited for my guidance, Sneaky Phoebe climbed all the way up onto the table, grabbed a hunk of clay, and began violently stabbing it with a popsicle stick. I would have stopped her but I was too high to care.

Watching Phoebe go apeshit on the clay, it dawned on me that I had no real lesson plan, and I briefly pondered what kind of flawed screening process this camp had to let someone like me slip through. I debated what to have the children create. Every possible avenue sounded amazing.

Of course, everything is amazing when you've taken too much Xanax.

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I instructed the kids to "make macaroni necklaces or whatever" and for a time they obliged and strung noodles on lengths of yarn. Before long, however, their collective placidity gave way to ennui.

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That's when Sneaky Phoebe spoke up. She had a suggestion, and she knew full well it would immediately take root in the hive mind of the other children.

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There was no going back after that. The kids erupted into mass excitement at the idea of a hike. What I should have said was, "No hike. Now make more pasta jewelry." But alas, I was messed up on benzos, and had absolutely zero risk assessment. Pressed with a dozen tiny goblins shrieking to go hiking, I stupidly replied:

"Sure, why not?"

Five minutes later I was leading a group of children down a trail through the forest. I was effectively a child abductor. All told, it was a pleasant hike. It might've been the fact that I was completely off my rocker, but everyone seemed to be having a good time, and for about 30 minutes we wandered carelessly through the peaceful wilderness.

Regrettably, the pleasantries would not last. Before long the Xanax started to wear off, and I became cognizant of two facts: the first was that I was starving and a Pepperoni Pizza Lunchables would taste incredible. The second, much more distressing fact was that I had gotten us hopelessly lost.

overdose13

The realization that you've just shanghai'd a herd of children and led them astray into the forest will sober you up quick. Though surrounded by the tranquil noises of chirping birds and babbling brooks, with gentle winds caressing my face, I was on the verge of completely losing my shit. Without saying a word, I blindly chose a direction to walk in, praying I'd lead the kids back toward civilization.

Thankfully, we didn't have to walk long before I heard the faint sounds of campers laughing and yelling, and from there it was a beeline back to the campground. Unfortunately when I approached the Arts and Crafts center, I was met with a frantic Mrs. Wilson who demanded to know where I'd been for the last half hour. I didn't even have time to explain the situation before Sneaky Phoebe blurted out the obvious.

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I was ejected from camp right then and there.

I suppose it could have been worse. They could have called the cops, but that might've reflected worse on them than it would have me. The whole fiasco lasted maybe an hour and a half, but it became permanently imprinted onto my subconscious, a giant rubber stamp that read, "CHILD ABDUCTOR." If ever there was a moral to be learned, it's this: don't get high and attempt to teach children crafts. It will not turn out well.

For obvious reasons, I leave "camp counselor" off my resume.

118 comments:

  1. Moral of the story: Study.

    Right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahah all this for saying, "Fuck it" to finals week!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Irony, its finals week now... maybe I should look up Crazy Lucy...

    ReplyDelete
  4. being a former camp counselor myself, i'd have to say that the majority of teenage/under 25 employees have no idea what the heck they're doing & should not be trusted with the children attending camp.
    but i did enjoy your story & feel appropriate hatred toward sneaky pheobe.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kids are a pain in the arse.

    ReplyDelete
  6. No Idea what university you went to, but at mine and in Computer Science, it was "Finals 3 weeks" and you studied your ass-off for basically the entire thing just to not fail miserably, let alone do very well.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Funny! Although thank you for this. I was contemplating sending my 9 year old to camp this summer but FUCK THAT SHIT now! Ha ha ha!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You drew yourself as a power ranger!!! FUCK YEAH!!! 10 points to you, good sir!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Have I mentioned lately that I love you? Errr I mean your blog... I was never allowed to go to camp as a kid. I have, however, had the opportunity to get high out of my mind on benzos...ativan for me 8mg plus 8 beer equals a loss of approximately 16 hours of my life and the worst hangover ever experienced following the missing hours....not pretty!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ha ha! Love it. I went to Camp Rock Eagle in Georgia when I was about 14. I distinctly remember thinking that the camp counselors had to be on some serious mind-altering drugs to dress up as Native Americans and pretend to be excited when telling us how important it was to clean up our hovel, I mean bunk. As bad as it was for me, I'm sure it must have been worse for the counselors who were sober.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I. LOVE. YOU.
    also power rangers ftw

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wow. I knew there was a good reason my parents didn't bother sending us to summer camp.

    They didn't want us hanging around lying children like that awful Phoebe.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I was a camp counselor, too. My time was a bit more successful than it sounds like yours was, but when I first started I was pretty awful.

    Actually, though, I was better than a few of the guys I worked with who magically transformed back into 8 year olds when games of dodgeball started. I can't tell you how many times those fools took kids out with a dodgeball to the face...and we're not talking about GatorBalls here. These are the real deal rubber ones that weigh like 3 pounds and make you feel like you got slapped by an elephant.

    At least they weren't on drugs though...I think you demonstrated why drugs and supervision of children don't go together.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fenway Libraries... Hipster school... did you go to Emerson College?

    ReplyDelete
  16. I went to camp in Mount Baldy in 5th grade. Our counselor took us on a hike up to a big old tree and rubbed ash from the tree on all of our faces and told us last one down the mountain would be sacrificed to the "Mountain People". Fucker.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Great, now I'll wonder what a BM is all day.

    ReplyDelete
  18. ^^ BM means bowel movement :P

    ReplyDelete
  19. The drawings of sneaky Phoebe creeps me the fuck out. Your stories are great entertainment man, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks for that entertaining break in between studying for my finals. Lucky fucker.

    Love the drawings of sneaky Phoebe. Cartoon children are scary as hell when they're drawn sin noses.

    Loved it though <3

    ReplyDelete
  21. This reminds me of when I used to work at a toy store and would come in....mind altered...it was INTENSE!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. this is why a manchild should never be hired to watch actual children.

    ReplyDelete
  23. what sort of dosage was this magical xanax?! the only thing i have ever managed to accomplish after having taken it, is 6 hours of death-like slumber.

    ReplyDelete
  24. where are there forests in Boston?

    ReplyDelete
  25. I could look at your Sneaky Phoebe and laugh, all day.

    Love you

    ReplyDelete
  26. I love how Sneaky Phoebe's head is just like a rock and some string tied around it and connected to the rest of her body. It would be even more hilarious if she looked like that today.

    ReplyDelete
  27. hahaha! sneaky phoebe ruined your xanax fueled trip. from this lovely picture you've drawn of her...i can she she was a terrible child. i was kinda hoping tthat she didn't look like this in real life, but the more i look at her, the more i giggle. maybe it's the hair....

    oh, and you drawing yourself as a power ranger has solidified my love for you...

    ReplyDelete
  28. I am dead serious, every new post makes my day a little less irritating.

    So thank you, my sanity is forever in your debt.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I think I might be in love with you....

    No seriously, I laughed for a full minute at the ashtray... kinda felt like a loser cause that wasn't supposed to be the funniest part of the post.

    Oh well. :]

    ReplyDelete
  30. Sadly, Lucy was the character in the story I had the most basis of identifying with therefore making the rest of the story hilarious.

    ... or something.

    ReplyDelete
  31. omg yesterday i was dealing with a mom + 2 [bratty] kids. watched the mom complete paperwork [stalker], and she's like, 'under occupation, can i put slave?'

    the 3-yr-old boy was knocking shit over and touching valuables and raising my blood pressure.

    i grabbed some [awesomely wicked] temporary tattoos i had stashed and sat the kids down w/wet paper towels.

    '5 minutes and you can't move or the tattoos will be forever ruined!' the kids shut up for 10.

    she's like, 'whoah, how'd you do that?' i'm like, 'i used to be a camp counselor.'

    ReplyDelete
  32. naqui des cendresMay 5, 2011 at 11:43 PM

    p.s. did anyone else recognize rita? omg that reference is like so 18 yrs ago. love it.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Sir Digby Chicken CaeserMay 6, 2011 at 1:18 PM

    funny post, ennui!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Hahhaaha I love the way you drew phoebe.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I have to say, having taken plenty of Xanex in my time, I've never gotten high from it - just stoned. (Medical prescription, mind you!!!) So unless she snuck some coke in there, I can't imagine it doing that to a normal person. Then again, the list of serious side effects includes "intense mood swings." Did you also halucinate, or seize? Seems like those would be good signs...

    ReplyDelete
  36. Jen, no hallucinations, just an intense feeling of euphoria.

    ReplyDelete
  37. I have known many sneaky Phoebes in my day... they really do look like that, too. I've worked at too many summer camps and kid's clubs.

    ReplyDelete
  38. even though you removed me from you facebook page and removed all of my comments, i know we will be together! ;-; i love you!!


    lmfao.

    ReplyDelete
  39. children are absolutely and positively evil. there's one little girl at the daycare i work at who, upon hearing me say "oh, grace, i didn't know you were here all day!" proceeded to turn to me and say in the snottiest way possible "what, you don't have EYES?"

    needless to say, she was mentally bitchslapped.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Phoebe looks like the Pokemon, Gastly!

    Was this intentional... Adam? Hmm? Hmmmmmmmm?

    (I seem to have a great memory for first-gen Pokemon)

    ReplyDelete
  41. As an art teacher and former art camp instructor who suffers from anxiety...I read this and laughed so hard I cried. I deal with Phoebes and worse every day. thanks for helping me laugh about it

    ReplyDelete
  42. You should have played the game called kill phoebe :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. Hahaha hey I go to Lesley and pretty much everyone that goes there is a Lucy and it's completely dominated by hipsters. Love this man, good shit.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Hipster University. HAH. They really should re-name it that. I think at any other school, spilling whiskey on your final paper would get points deducted. We're a special breed, we are.

    ReplyDelete
  45. shanghai'd is probably my favorite expression. ha ha adam i just found your blog and ive been reading and laughing all afternoon! your brilliant!!

    ReplyDelete
  46. Must be nice to have gone to a joke school. I'm agreeing with Mr. "Three Weeks of Finals" up there.

    I assure you, my hatred stems only from jealousy; I wish I could take a week off to drink Sam Adams Imperial Stout and whatnot. A tip of the hat there!

    ReplyDelete
  47. Dude, who the fuck do you think reads online comics? Nerds.

    Way to insult your audience.

    ReplyDelete
  48. "Let's get this party started...Let's make some goddamned CRAFTS"! I laughed so hard I cried! Thank you StumbleUpon for bringing me here, and thank you Adam for the great stories.

    ReplyDelete
  49. lol that looks like an old BU id

    more douchey NYC kids than hipsters there, though

    ReplyDelete
  50. hahahaha there's always a sneaky phoebe in every classroom!!!
    this was soo funny

    ReplyDelete
  51. How could you live to go to university and never be prescribed medication?! You must have one heck of a constitution!

    ReplyDelete
  52. I guess that's one way to have and interesting summer. I agree though that it may be a good idea to read up on a few things before you try that again.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Bahhh I hate the Sneaky Phoebe kid! There's always one! Haha.Quite an adventure.

    ReplyDelete
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