Thursday, May 26, 2011

Four Days of Pretending To Be a Rabbit

I don't know why I do half the things I do. I like to think of myself as this spontaneous, carefree vagrant, but I fear the truth might be that I'm simply an impressionable ne'er-do-well who lacks self control. It's probably the latter. One look at my bank account and you'd think, "this dude clearly has no foresight. And did he really eat at Taco Bell four times this week?"

Case in point: last week I was talking to my friend Jeanie on the phone and she started telling me about this all-juice diet she was on. Jeanie is the kind of hippie dippy gal who makes her own clothes and can spend an entire afternoon dumpster diving. I usually don't put much stock in her whims, but perhaps since I had nothing of importance going on in my own life, I indulged her.


"That sounds like it would make you shit constantly," I said.

"Oh yeah," she replied. "I'm shitting right now."

She told me juicing would clear out all my toxins. It was clear neither of us actually knew what toxins are exactly, but nobody really knows anything about anything. We all just pretend. If asked, I'd probably describe toxins thusly:


The more I thought about it, however, the more appealing it sounded to drink nothing but fresh juice for a whole week. I had a big hulking juicer in the closet that I hadn't put to use yet, so I figured this might be an interesting little experiment. So the next morning I woke bright and early and hoofed it down to the farmers market in search of fresh fruit and vegetables.

It didn't take me long to locate and purchase the items on my list, but as I wandered around the vendors' tables, it dawned on me what odd places farmers markets are sometimes. Apparently anyone can rent table and sell whatever kind of weirdo shit they want.




Later, back at home, I unpacked my juicer, skimmed the directions half heartedly, then plugged it in and started feeding big chunks of apples into the spout. I was instantly alarmed at how loud this juicer was. It sounded like it was in excruciating pain, but I suppose that's what I get for purchasing the cheapest appliance I can find on Amazon.


Despite the juicer's robotic shrieks of death, it pulverized the apples efficiently enough. I added kale, then lemons, then ginger and celery, and after a few minutes I had a large cup of what easily could've passed as pond scum. And it tasted like pond scum, too. Pond scum with lemon and ginger, but pond scum all the same. Still, I was committed, so I slurped it down and made some more for later.

Truth be told, it made me feel pretty damn good. Despite the wretched taste of the juice sludge, I discovered it gave me more energy throughout the day, and I no longer saw flaming skulls when I closed my eyes at night. The first couple days were mildly euphoric for me.




The honeymoon phase didn't last long, though. By the third day of this misbegotten juice fiasco, I was craving meat. Juicy, unadulterated meat. In fact, that night I actually dreamed about cheeseburgers. Sweet, sexy cheeseburgers.


The cravings only got worse. In the days that followed I'd stumble around like some malnourished zombie, muttering about mozzarella sticks and Oreo milkshakes. I'd wander around the grocery store, stopping to stare longingly as the frozen pizzas, and that's when I knew it had to stop. Thankfully, like an angel sent from on high, one of the grocery ladies was serving samples in aisle eight. She was dishing out Bagel Bites.


Following The Great Bagel Bite Debacle of 1994 (which involved me spilling a plate of piping hot pizza bagels all over my bare chest and leaving me with second degree burns) I'd sworn them off for good. But standing in front of that tray of cheesy, freshly microwaved little morsels, I couldn't imagine a more divine treat. I plucked one off the table with my boney, corpse-like fingers, struggling to lift it in my weakened state, and raised it to my lips.

Something peculiar happens when you deprive your body of real food, I've found. I'm not saying Bagel Bites are "real food," but bear with me for the sake of argument. I don't know what it is exactly, but it's like your taste buds begin to hibernate after a few days of choking down repellent green slime, and then when you present them with something tasty and savory, they flip the hell out.



Is there a moral to this story? Probably not. I learned I shouldn't structure my diet around buzz words like "juice fast" and "toxin." I learned kale tastes like dirt. If anything good came out of it all, I suppose being reunited with Bagel Bites is a plus.

Or maybe that's a negative. Whatever.


  1. I don't quite know why, but the juicer screaming its head off made me burst out laughing.

    At my desk.

    At work.

    With coworkers sitting three feet away.

    So... thanks for that, I guess.

  2. Marry me.

    Yes, that's a demand; not a question.

  3. "they flip the hell out"
    LMFAO! this seriously made my day and i was having such a bad day! thank you for your funny ass shit!

  4. Oh Adam. Your foibles make my day.I did a similar green sludge detox and I agree about your taste buds going apeshit afterwards.

  5. ^Is somebody keeping a running tally of how many comments on this blog consist of marriage proposals or expressions of somebody's desire to sleep with Adam? -_-

    Anyway I can relate to the magic of eating more substantial food after days of eating the same stuff repeatedly. My most often-consumed items consist of stuff from the fruit and grains groups (mostly grain), and it's only my school cafeteria or meals from parents (when I'm at their house) that give me something more. Oh, and I guess I get plenty from the sugars group. :P

  6. I love how the Bagel Bites all look like they are smiling. Because they smile in real life, too.

  7. I can't wait to see 'toxins' on a T-shirt!

  8. Dear Adam,

    Researched this little juice detox with the same ingredients.

    Found this.

    People who should definitely not try this juice fast or detox include: People with diabetes, low blood sugar, eating disorders, kidney disease, liver disease, malnutrition, addictions, underweight, anemia, impaired immune function, gout, asthma, infection, nutritional deficiency, low blood pressure, ulcerative colitis, cancer, terminal illness, epilepsy, or other chronic conditions. Medical supervision is needed for the 7 day juice detox.

    If you don't have these particular problems, one would imagine you wouldn't need a detox to begin with.


  9. Can you please make your next post about the The Great Bagel Bite Debacle of 1994?

  10. The last picture would make a great shirt. Guitar playing cats :) I was surprised it wasn't Lola playing it

  11. Aweseom read. You and Theoatmeal are probably two of my favorite sites to visit.

  12. Shake-N-Bake ;

    He cant marry you sadly... Im first in line and have been for a while :P But if and when we clone him you may have one!!

    1. Very interesting to read this article.I would like to thank you for the efforts you had made for writing this awesome | | | | | | | | | |

  13. Hmm...Juice fast...that doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I've got a blender and a need to be cleansed.
    Wait. No. That's a terrible idea.

    I've never seen a hamburger look more...seductive. I just want to lick it a lil' bit.
    Eh...anyway, you're really fantastic! Thanks for the funny and for the distraction from my productive things list.

  14. Dammit, I'm trying to figure out what to have for lunch right now and the stripper cheeseburgers aren't helping.

  15. Haha... Your little face when you ate the bagel was so cute! I love your style of drawing, but not enough to marry you >.> Keep it up ^^

  16. LOL loved it all. Keep up the good work.

  17. I can't help but notice you seem to be wearing skinny jeans tucked into boots, (or maybe socks?) in the picture where you're admiring the blue-ness of the sky. Nice.

  18. I have unofficially followed your blog, and am now wondering: how many marriage proposals have you gotten on behalf of this thing? Seriously, have you ever gone through and counted? You could start "The Bachelor: Blog Edition" thanks to these women.

  19. I admire your story-telling abilities, although I would not want to marry you because of them.

  20. That was brilliant mashallah. Inshallah you will enjoy bagel bites for years to come.

  21. This was definitely one of my favorite posts. I especially loved the screaming juicer...

    This is some high quality comedy.

  22. Ah man, I read your heading as "4 Days Pretending to be a RABBI"

  23. 2nd post of the night to add:

    I've never wanted a cheeseburger in a sexual way before.

    First time for everything.

  24. Taylor: 15 "I love you" or "Marry me"s in the month of May alone. You are on to something. Might as well profit off of it, amirite?

  25. Curious, how did it actually affect your bowels? Perhaps you should try Colon Cleansing for shits and giggles, literally.

  26. This comment has been removed by the author.

  27. Your willpower (or level of boredom) astounds me. I have not personally sampled the joys of the "juice diet".

    Should you once again feel the urge to do funny things to your bowels you can try the cabbage soup diet. This disgusting concoction is the only thing you're allowed to imbibe in any quantity you choose. I only lasted one bowl before I gave it up.

  28. You're hilarious lol And bagel bites are the devil's spawn, in fact most easily-accessible-by-broke-but-starving-college-students food is the devil's spawn.
    It's like their bred in Satan's crotch and then made available only when you're fiendishly hungry.

    Can't wait for your next comic! You're amazing as always!

  29. "Ah jes' kilt 'im!"-Funniest thing I've read in quite some time!

    I pissed my pants! Literally, I had to change pants! So worth it though!

    Thank you, Adam!

  30. that's how i felt when giving up sweets and meat for lent....never ever again!

  31. Haha, I did a month long juice fast and it's totally true! There are even weirder effects if you hold out you can suddenly smell apples hidden inside layers of packaging from a mile away. And the euphoria comes and goes, and you do feel really healthy, at least when you're not trying to move or lift anything.

    But the down side is that you become obsessed with food. I would lie around in my fatigued state, fantasizing about all the food I would eat once the fast was over, imagining myself running into every third-rate take-out place within a 5 mile radius, ordering everything on the menu and eating ALL of it.

    And when I finally broke the fast, with a fruit salad - because if you try to eat carbs after a month of fasting you could actually die - I had that same rainbow explosion of dolphins and cats playing guitar. I'd never liked cantaloupe in my life, but now I can eat it because it makes me think of that glorious day when I finally at real food again.

    Also, the juice is more tolerable if you make it primarily fruit, with some carrots and stuff thrown in. WAY better than concentrate.

  32. Hahahahahahaha! Wow, I love this. Thank you. Especially the part where your bank account tells you that you ate at taco bell 4 times in the last week. I do that same thing. Every week. The people at taco bell know who I am.

    Also, check out my blog. It's somewhat similar to yours, I've realized.


  33. I like how the cat face and the face he makes while eating the bagel bites are the same.

  34. Oh... It would have been much healthier to eat the fruits instead of drinking their juice.

  35. ahahahaha I haven't stopped laughing for 20 minutes at "ah jes kilt 'im!"

  36. ahahahaha I haven't stopped laughing for 20 minutes at "ah jes kilt 'im!"

  37. BagelBites are my kryptonite. I also attempted a "cleanse" - although it was the 'mix together water, cayenne pepper, syrup and pretend it doesn't taste like ass" kind. I lasted four days before the wafting smell of downstairs' neighbor margaritas caused me to get "three-days-without-eating' kind of drunk and I ate two 12 packs of BagelBites. I am unashamed. Gandhi would've folded.

  38. I love farmer's markets and their weird shit, though I am not hippyish. I actually work at one selling organic produce from Arizona. It's a great job really slicing up samples with my knife, and eating every other sample I get my hands on.

  39. Thank you for making my day - nothing like laughing out loud at your desk! I just love your style of art & humor... awesomeness.

  40. Genuinely almost did a little wee trying to keep from bursting out laughing. LOVE the "um what" picture at the market, you are brilliant

  41. I think I missed the part where you explained how you arrived in the Swiss Alps on the first day of your cleanse ...

  42. That is hilarious! I had something similar happen to me the other week actually. I basically tried my hand at eating six small meals throughout the day and ended up skipping most of them because of my laziness and then ended up starving for a week. Then came the fateful day when I, emaciated, had a run in with a pack of Chips Ahoy cookies. Lives were lost that day...

    Never again.

  43. Bagel bites are definitely a plus.

  44. you gotta make a shirt of that last pic adam :3
    totally awesome :P

  45. I love the picture of you holding the baby, it made me laugh so hard!

  46. How ironic that I started a master cleanse today and then stumbled upon this. I'm halfway through a glass of water, syrup, cayenne, and lemon juice.

    You make me laugh, and I love you for it. :)

  47. I really liked your article. Keep up the good work.

  48. My favorite parts are the sign that says "Free sampz yo," the fact that the bagel bites look like they're smiling. It makes me want to devour them even more.

    Oh, and marry me?

    (Is that right? Is that how these things are done? I'm pretty much required to say this, right?)

  49. I love the picture of the toxins. I think they need to be on a shirt

  50. Well, cheeseburger strippers is certainly one of the more disturbing images I've ever seen. Kudos!

  51. I have such a crush on you. Please update.

  52. All things considering, you are very like me and your blog makes me happy. Cheers from Finland and I hope you update soon. You're awesome.

  53. I will make you delicious kale!

  54. adam....tremendous man!!!

  55. OMG!! I absolutely adore the second to last drawing :D. And you never fail to make me laugh!!

  56. OMG!! I absolutely adore the second to last drawing :D. And you never fail to make me laugh!!

  57. "Free Sampz Yo!" WTF?!?! I laughed for about a half an hour... damn

  58. hahahahahaha, oh man, pizza bagels on the bare chest got me...once when i was humongously gianormously pregnant during the hot summer, i tossed a frozen chicken breast onto a hot pan of oil while wearing nothing but my underwear and received blistering second degree burns all over my belly and boobs and was later fondled by a doctor who basically just confirmed that i indeed had second degree burns while a doctor-in-training watched who seriously looked like he was 16 and then sat in the room while i could hear the girls in the office laughing about me behind my back, it was incredibly awkward so thanks for letting me know that that i'm not the only one who handles piping hot food items while toppless haha

  59. There may be a reason that you found kale to taste like dirt. You need to WASH THE KALE.

    For serious though, that stuff is waaaay sour. If you ever cook with it (which I actually do recommend) make sure to include mushrooms or sweet potato in the recipe--I usually go for a stew. The kale actually has a great flavor...once you eliminate most of the bitter/sour.

  60. My juicer makes the same noise.

  61. Wow.. What a funny and comedy blog? Really it's too good. I can't control my laugh. Keep it up...

  62. It's called a mouthgasm, Adam. Possibly one of the most magical experiences the human race has ever known.

  63. You are like Einstien of jokes and comics. I can't begin to imagine if you and Matt Groening had a comic fight!


  64. Awesome jokes in your comics,i really enjoy this blog good work for blog.thanks for sharing.....

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