Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Mahalo, Come Again

I'd had enough. I needed a break from life. Luckily Wells Fargo had just upped my credit limit, so I charged a flight to Hawaii before I even had a chance to second guess myself.

The buyer's high wore off pretty quickly when I realized I was going to have to get on an airplane in a matter of weeks. I always overlook this horrifying little tidbit when I go on vacation. I can't stand flying. Growing up it never bothered me, but a couple years ago on a flight to Boston I experienced the worst turbulence of my life, and it wrecked me for good. The flight had been smooth–almost too smooth, and I was just about to bite into my turkey sandwich and enjoy the inflight presentation of Beverly Hills Chihuahua...

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That's when the pilot chimed in over the intercom.

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Since then, I've never been comfortable flying. Once bitten, twice shy, three times a lady, etc. Now it's simply a struggle just to not have a nervous breakdown in the airport, so I try to keep myself occupied with little games. My favorite is Airport Bingo. It's a simple diversion. Before I get to the terminal, I construct a Bingo Card in my head of things one might see at an airport, and spend the time before my flight seeing how many points I can rack up. It's like people watching, only more judgmental.

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See? Easy. It keeps my mind off having wild fantasies about flaming Beoing 757's crashing into the ocean.

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I chose Hawaii for two reasons. One, it was cheap. Secondly, I have a friend who lives there, meaning no hotel was needed. Thirdly, and most importantly, I settled on Hawaii because the cast of Full House went there in season three, and I can honestly say Full House has influenced aproximately 80% of my life's decisions. It's more than a show. It's a lifestyle. Which reminds me, I need to buy a new hair crimper and start crash dieting for Kimmy Gibler's pool party...

Fortunately, my flight was smooth and uneventful, save for the overly talkative woman I was seated next to who insisted on gabbing to me about her planned "vision quest" in Oahu, whatever the hell that is. I fell asleep midway through her speech about the healing powers of crystals.

My first couple days on the island were spent in typical fashion: wandering around aimlessly, napping on the beach, and trying to avert my gaze from old dudes in speedos. I briefly considered filming a better ending to Lost on my camera phone (starring myself as every character) but I figured that would be too much work. Instead I opted for baking in the sun on a daily basis, waiting for the sweet, sweet melanoma to set in.

My vacation hit a slight rough patch around day four. To any future potential employers out there, let's just pretend this next bit is completely fabricated. To everyone else reading, let's take a moment and talk about drugs.

The friend I was staying with was, shall we say, a connoisseur of the ganja. One night he was getting stoned, and offered me some. It had been a few years, and I figured it couldn't hurt (which, come to think of it, is how the Tanner kids always got in trouble). Completely unaware of my own low tolerance, I took four giant rips off his bong, sat back, and waited. Nothing happened at first. And then a lot happened.

I began to feel panicky and paranoid. Then the walls started to move. Then the tunnel vision set in, and when I became convinced my friend had drugged me in order to harvest my organs, I figured it was time to lay down. I went into my friend's room, curled up in the fetal position on his bed, and laid there wide-eyed and terror-stricken in the dark. At one point I became convinced I wasn't even on a bed, but rather a giant, bloodthirsty forest animal.

This is the reality of what happened to me:

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But this is how it felt:

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I managed to fall asleep briefly, only to wake up shortly thereafter covered in sweat, and proceeded to search my body for mortal wounds because I was convinced my sweat was blood. I was fine the next morning, if not a little shaken up. "No more weed for a while," I promised myself. "Stick to black tar heroin from now on."

The next day, I decided some light reading at the beach was in order. I traveled to the bookstore in search of something I could finish in a day or two. Perhaps a paranormal teen romance, or something from Oprah's Book Club. I meandered up and down the aisles, waiting for something to catch my eye, and then, suddenly, there it was. The perfect book.

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Could there be a more flawless literary selection than Goosebumps: Ghost Beach? Anything more divinely meta than reading Goosebumps: Ghost Beach on the fucking beach? That afternoon was spent in utter bliss as I casually flipped through my new book on a tacky tourist beach–even though by page 19 I'd figured out the twist ending was that everyone was a ghost.

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By the time the sun was setting, I was all hopped up on shitty ghost stories and at least 14 shades darker than I'd been morning. I was Pantone 18-1242 (that's "Brown Patina" for the less graphically inclined). And what better place to show off a bitchin' new tan than the nearly pitch black dank of a dive bar?

Perhaps I hadn't learned my lesson against overindulging from my weed fiasco, because that night quickly got out of hand. I suppose I was excited to find the only bar on the island that served PBR, because I didn't monitor my alcohol intake very wisely. By 2 AM I was riding high on a malty, hoppy cloud of cheap beer, and I was ready to head home and pass out.

"Oh no," said my friend. "We're going dancing."

Well, shit. Little did I know that once the bars in Honolulu close, everyone floods to the one shady dance club to sweat out the Mai Tais and piƱa coladas. I was too drunk to argue, so I obliged. Fifteen minutes and one five dollar cover later, I was dancing up a storm amidst a group of other clammy drunks. Stumbling around on the dance floor, I sought out a dance partner for the evening, and settled upon a sleepy-eyed girl with frazzled hair and what I assumed was her mother. Sure enough, this assumption was confirmed when the girl slurred to me:

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And with that, she lumbered off the dance floor, leaving me alone with her mom.

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For a few minutes I danced awkwardly with the old broad, but it quickly became apparent that this lady was fucked. up. Hair mussed, eyes rolling back into her head, boob in danger of flopping out of her J.Crew cardigan––this gal was in rough shape. So I did what any standup gentleman would do. I left. I was barely keeping my own balance; I was in no condition to take care of an old lady jacked up on appletinis. After that, things started to get fuzzy, and I remember little between that point and waking up the next morning with the hangover of a lifetime. It was probably karma for leaving a poor old crone to die on the dance floor.

The final few days of my vacation were peaceful and relaxing, filled with swimming and hiking and shaking sand out of my nether regions. The only black spot on the whole affair was the faint, constant sound of Katy Perry being played everywhere I went. On the mainland, especially in Portland, I live a blissful existence free of Perry's warble, but she haunted my vacation relentlessly. It might've had something to do with the fact that I started every morning with coffee from the Starbucks next to the Honolulu Walmart.

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The final charming surprise of my trip didn't occur until my return trip to Portland. I was sitting in the terminal waiting for the boarding announcement when a little girl approached me, unprovoked and unannounced.

"WATCH MY DANCE!" She announced, and proceeded to work it with such fierce determination I was afraid she might have an aneurism right in front of me.

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At that point her mom shook a bag of Teddy Grahams at her and she immediately lost interest in dancing and scampered off.

Returning home with my batteries recharged and a complexion somewhere between Halle Berry and Denzel Washington, I took a moment to ponder my vacation. I don't remember how the Hawaii episode of Full House ended, but I'm sure somebody learned a valuable lesson and Danny Tanner had a heart-to-heart with one of his daughters (but probably not the middle one because she was off somewhere doing meth). I suppose the lessons I learned were to do drugs in moderation, and that drunk moms don't make good dancing partners. Not really family sitcom material, but hey, that's real life. Real life is full of drunk moms.

90 comments:

  1. i laughed so hard i had to go find my asthma inhaler. i'll send you the doctor bills.

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  2. you didn't spot Cthulu in the airport? disappointed.

    I didn't know the Ed Hardy douches were real until a recent flight to Vegas. oh they're real. and they run in packs.

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  3. This was absolutely worth the wait! Definitely made my break between classes more enjoyable! Amazing!

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  4. you make me laugh, and i thank you for that. keep them coming.

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  5. That was freaking brilliant, I wish I lived your life haha.

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  6. Ha! I just got back from a winter break in Seattle, WA (I go to school in Nebraska) and I found no respite there from Ms. Perry. Sigh. Too bad that "I kissed a girl" song is so fricken catchy. :D Well done, mate.

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  7. LOL have u see this blog - -- Full House Reviewed -- the Hawaii episode http://fullhousereviewed.wordpress.com/2011/01/28/season-3-episode-1-tanners-island/

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  8. "So I did what any standup gentleman would do. I left." You are so kind and noble.

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  9. Unfortunately I spotted this little gem on Facebook (in my CIS class I might add). So, I scamper over to the main page and I'm holding it together.....and then BAM! You're riding Totoro while that creepy skeleton is trying to ingage you in some witty banter....and I lost my shit....in class. I enjoyed it....imensely....in the pants.

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  10. So you're telling me that you get to ride Totoro when you do drugs?
    ...AWESOME.

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  11. My Neighbor Totoro reference? Nice.

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  12. marijuana, Totoro AND pbr all in one? You have my approval.

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  13. Super lol @ skull saying "IDK my BFF Jill"

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  14. HAHAHA *gasp* HAHAHAHAHA

    Fucking. Brilliant.

    The turbulence shake, and the dancing girl are the best!

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  15. SNL reference! OMGGG

    Plus many others things I love.

    Like you.

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  16. I am going to use your Bingo card to keep me entertained during my travels this weekend. I'm so much more excited now!

    Also, love the inclusion of Totoro =)

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  17. Oh god, I was that little girl when I was six. Thank god I never set foot in an airport until I was twenty two. There would be more stories of being forced to watch an interprative dance of why I loved She-Ra floating around if I had.

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  18. awesome. i couldn't stop laughing, especially at the little girl dance.

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  19. bloody hell and blimey that was fecking brilliant! in stitches here, awesome stuff kid =)

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  20. Really curious about what a C.H.U.D is...

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  21. The best part is the dancing girl at the end. I frequently force my friends and family to watch me bust a move because sometimes you've just got to dance...to the pain and discomfort of others.

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  22. I misread "ugly baby that looks like a tiny Mickey Rourke" and thought it said "Mickey Rooney". Either one would be awesome.

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  23. OMFG. If you keep this up I will die laughing. I'm going to need your address so I can leave final instructions for my parents as to where they can send the bills for my funeral.

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  24. Thank you for the bingo card. I will use this in a few weeks when I make my own PDX--> HNL pilgrimage. The sweatsuit/uggs combo and rude TSA agent are pretty much guaranteed at the Portland airport.

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  25. Wow, I finally get what LOL means

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  26. I am very much going to basically second what M.G.G. said: You are telling me you get to ride Totoro when you do drugs? That is AWESOME!

    And. There is always a rude TSA agent named Sharonda.

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  27. Haha, you're really great at making everyone you meet very unappealing XD

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  28. AHHH! totoro and full house. the very best of my childhood.

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  29. really surprised you didn't see a human suitcase. they're all the rage on the east coast.

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  30. You are way too good to be a real human <3

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  31. human suitcase? please marry me.

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  32. soooo hilarious.snort-laugh inducing. and made me feel good about being too broke to go to hawaii.

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  33. catbus always seemed more shady to me.

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  34. This makes me excited to move to hawaii.
    And we do the same people watching/judging thing except mine is more apples to apples style, not so much bingo.

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  35. Is that thing you're riding the gerbil from Bolt?

    I'm just saying, it looks a lot like the gerbil from Bolt.

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  36. If a genie granted me a wish,I'd wish I could make drama out of the mundanest things the way you do.Kudos,sir.

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  37. HA! "IDK..my BFF Jill?" That's too fucking funny.

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  38. I shamelessly admit I have way too much adult ADD to read through the text of the story, but the pics were great!

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  39. I laughed so hard that my screen is now covered in spit....you are constantly forcing me to bust out the Windex.

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  40. Wow, this blog is so awesome it makes my ramblings look like internet cave drawings by comparison. So felt the need to join the sickeningly well-deserved praise wagon here, and to extend an invite (nay, challenge!) - if you'd ever like to get drunk in a country even further away, you are very welcome to my sofabed here in rainy ol' Dublin. Ireland. (Yeah, that's the catch see).
    Loving the blogs, keep them going! Personally I make my decisions based on Golden Girls episodes (like that one where they invited some randomer from the other side of the world to stay in their place because he "seemed like a lark").

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  41. Thank you-I needed a Hawaiian vacation :)

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  42. This was hilarious. My brother wondered what was wrong when I burst out laughing. I wish I could ride Totoro.

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  43. Hahaha, so I assume that you found Zanzabar? Welcome to Oahu - Land of drunken mothers, hilarious paranoia-inducing MJ, and the birthplace of all of life's greatest decisions.... Hope you enjoyed your stay with us, come again!

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  44. I feel certain that the totoro frame belongs on the cover of a book at some point, maybe with the skull saying the book's title.

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  45. Why do kids have to be so damn awkward? It makes me wonder if I ever did stuff like that.

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  46. #spoileralert on the goosebumps next time, shit.

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  47. Awesome, someone else noticed how often they play that damned song... and it was someone who doesn't even live here! It's burned into my mind, and I can't stand it. Btw (obligatory ass-kissing commencing), I love your blog and the pics that go with it. Keeps me going during the week. ;)

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  48. Real life IS full of drunks. True to the bone.

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  49. Seriously, laughing my ass off. Perfect way for me to start my weekend off hahaha. Fantastic trip.

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  50. Wow I loved the little girl at the end, and the mental bingo sheet. Even if it did make me really want a breakfast burrito. I love your blog!

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  51. having a drug-induced trip that includes Totoro is totally worth it :] mad jealous

    ...just the Totoro part though. No desire to dance with no drunk mamas (or become one)

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  52. Yeah. What everyone else said.

    Great pot story. It's not my thing, either, as it makes me lose my mind. But I'm not as talented as you when it comes to explaining it through pictures.

    Thanks for sharing.

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  53. That made me smile. I reread all my Goosebumps books last summer while I was in between jobs.

    I had the same plane experience. I was stupid enough to love planes when I was little, but then the most horrible turbulence ever made me realize that all planes are really just flying death torpedoes. It felt like the plane was just dropping out of the air. Now I freak out over minor shaky turbulence and obsessively study the stewards/stewardesses expressions for signs that something is amiss.


    ...ahem, anyway, lovely blog you have going on here. Carry on!

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  54. You got Katy Perry, when I went it was 'G6', 'Just the Way You Are', and 'Animal'. Honolulu has very limited musical variety.

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  55. I see your fanbase is growing. Although I can honestly say I didn't catch most of the references, the dancing girl was hilarious. Mainly because I've got a little cousin who's pretty much like that. :]

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  56. Oh my gosh I am in love with you. Your blog is so hilarious and the illustrations only make it better. Please come to Austin immediately so I can marry you.

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  57. I may have looked something like that little girl when I realized that you made a reference to Stefan. Human suitcases for the win.

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  58. Was the shady post-hour bar called Mad Dogs? As a person who lives in Honolulu, this INSTANTLY popped into my head.

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  59. Haha, that final pose/stance broke me. Thanks for the great entertainment, as always.

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  60. LOVE your blog! Your stories are so outrageous and funny. I always look forward to the next one. Keep up the good work. Your site is one of my favorites ;]

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  61. the dancing child might have been the greatest thing since the imaginary squirrel attacks from the alcohol post a while back

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  62. OMG, I don't know why I do this every time but I read your blog while I'm at work, and I have to laugh silently for fear of being caught slacking off. Do you know how hard it is to laugh silently? Especially when reading your blog? I've almost passed out trying stop myself from busting out laughing.
    I adore you. If you ever felt like moving to Vancouver Canada, I'd gladly marry you so you could get your green card ;D

    How many marriage offers does that make now?

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  63. New favorite post.=]
    ps- loved the totoro addition.
    You da best, broseph.

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  64. Okay, I've never read your blog before, but a friend linked me to this because of my fear of flying, suggesting that your Airport Bingo might be helpful for me. Not only was your blog hilarious, but you are the first person I've ever seen who described EXACTLY how I became afraid of flying. People always ask how I flew so much as a kid and became afraid of it as an adult. This is how. Glad to see I'm not alone.

    I also relate to the Full House influence on your life.

    Excellent work. I'm going to be a regular reader now.

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  65. The "turbulence" illustration and the travel bingo card are my faves!

    Signed -
    an all too frequent traveler.

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  66. A. I'm stealing the Bingo card for my upcoming flight to RI.

    B. PBR is my lifetime companion.

    C. I chuckled greatly upon reading this. Thanks! haha

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  67. I think the totoro picture should be a shirt. because it is awesome and i would buy it.

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  68. Hah! Real life certainly is filled with drunk moms.

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  69. OH MY GOD. You used "idk my bff jill" NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT'S FROM ANYMOREEE! I find myself constantly saying that and then being stared back at with a blank look. And I'm like "It's from that commercial!.... No... no... okay... I am just going to go sit and that corner and feel alone now." Now I am limited to only saying it in my head... and with my best friend who seems like the only other person who remembers... and now you do too! Yay! Go team! Lol why does this excite me so...

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  70. "I can honestly say Full House has influenced aproximately 80% of my life's decisions. It's more than a show. It's a lifestyle."

    I have found my soulmate. Marry me?

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  71. you do know the girls' mother died because of a drunk driver, right?

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  72. I love how you claim you hadn't gotten stoned for a few years before this but draw bongs on your cabinets...
    haha i love your blog though. Finding this has made my week.

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  73. hahaha this made me smile and laugh. I was sad you couldn't find Cthulu though, that'd be pretty amazing XD this makes me want to go to Hawaii now

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  74. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvrCoDZUwRg

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  75. IDK, my BFF Rose! Awesome. That kills me.

    Also, I am completely with you on how you developed your fear of flying and your reaction to weed. We should never get high and then ride an airplane. Let's just stick to drinking.

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  76. Funny and all, but if your cat had really drank anti-freeze it would be dead. No questions asked. A single drop of anti freeze will kill pretty much every living thing in existence, and it doesn't do anything to the brain, it attacks the kidneys. Unless you make the animal throw every bit of it up it will die of kidney failure within 24 hours.

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  77. i do believe i saw that little girl at the dmv... if it wasn't her then that dance has gone viral (no-bull-shit-face included).

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  78. omg thankkk you for being a penis wielding creature that hates katy perry. were soulmates now. well.. atleast in the realm of hating katy perry........ <3 omg...tha..nkk...y..o..u!!!

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  79. I wish to have you babies


    ...that is all

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  80. I had a weed experience like that last summer. I was with two of my friends and smoked WAY too much (didn't know that could happen) and then I thought they were going to kill me, and then I panicked because I wasn't wearing adequit shoes to jump off the balcony if needed, and my cell phone was dead so I couldn't call my sister, and then my friend's phone started dying, and he wouldn't help me use the phone (because he'd made me lose function of my hands, you know), and then..

    She came...

    And I thought, she too, was trying to kill me.

    That was the night my elder sister gave me the, "This is why you shoudln't ever do drugs again" talk...

    I slept in the fetal position that night.

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  81. So I know this is like a year later but I recently got turned on to your blog (and I love it) and I also lived on Full House as a kid. Enough that I clearly remember that they take a boat out and get lost because Uncle Joey was sailing toward a potato chip crumb, Stephanie is upset because she never gets what she wants, and they encounter a luau of island people, Stephanie is made to feel appreciated and they all return home with lei's.

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  82. lmaooo!
    I'm disappointed in myself for remembering where you got "IDK, my BFF, Jill?" from. Silly commercial. Hilarious reference. Post = soooooo good

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  83. Dude all the images from this post are missing?

    What happened?

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