Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Begun, This Clone War Has

I trust everyone has seen the first couple Alien movies. They're certified classics of cinema––hell, even the atrocious third movie has gained something of a cult status. But then there's that fourth film in the franchise, Alien Resurrection. That hackneyed, forgotten bastard child of the series. It's the one where Winona Ryder plays an awkward robot, only it's on purpose this time.

If you don't remember the fourth film, or didn't even realize there was a fourth film, you probably aren't alone, so let me bring you up to speed. Having committed suicide at the end of Alien 3, Ellen Ripley is brought back to life in the fourth movie as a clone using a combination of human and alien DNA, effectively setting up the premise for one of the worst movies of the 1990's. There are lots of bloody deaths and loads of stilted dialogue, but the best part of the movie comes midway through when Ripley stumbles upon a room filled with more clones. Looking around, she realizes that she was not the first clone, merely the first successful clone. She finds herself surrounded with test tubes containing failed, malformed Ellen Ripley clones.

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Then Ripley sees the clone that was obviously crafted right before her. It's nearly human, though hideously deformed. It speaks to her, and Ripley goes apeshit.

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This final failed clone seems to be the only one who realizes what a shitty movie Alien Resurrection is, and understandably requests death as a means of escape.

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Ripley proceeds to destroy the room with a flame thrower.

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There's quite a bit more movie after that, but I can't remember what happens because I never make it more than halfway through without falling asleep or deciding porn would be more interesting.

There is a point to this little tangent, and it's this: the idea of having a doppelganger is a concept that's always stuck with me. When I was a child, I had a malicious babysitter who convinced me everyone had an evil twin, and if you ever met your twin, he would try to murder you. Then in middle school, one of my classmates claimed there was a mysterious third Olsen twin, but she was so dreadfully disfigured that they never allowed her to be seen in public. Being naive and gullible, I believed him.

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Mostly, I've always hoped that somewhere out there, a clan of failed Adam clones were waiting for me to find them. I want to find them. I feel like hanging out with a bunch of ugly, misshapen versions of myself at all times would make me seem that much more desirable to others. Unfortunately, recent events have led me to believe there maybe be no such clone family waiting for me.

Several weeks ago, I attended a house party across the river. I was having a fine time until a noticed a fellow who looked strikingly like me, only better. Much better. Girls were hanging off this dude and fawning over him like he was a Jonas Brother, and not even the one fat one.

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At that point it dawned on me. Maybe I was the failed clone of someone else. It all made so much sense. I wracked my brain, pondering whose doppelganger I might be. It could be anyone. People often tell me I look like a handful of famous people, but always with a bit of added insult thrown into the mix.


The more I think about it, the more likely it seems. Maybe I was genetically engineered in a test tube. Perhaps I escaped from the Zachary Quinto Beard Farm.

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I know one thing, though: if I ever come face to face with a clone of mine, I doubt it will be a genial interaction. I figure one of two things will probably happen. Either I will murder him and feast on his heart in hopes of gaining extra strength and intelligence, or I will be seduced into having carnal relations with my clone. And come on, don't even act like you've never thought about boning your clone. We all have. It would be the perfect opportunity to find out what it's like to make love to yourself, and possibly address your sexual shortcomings. IT'S RESEARCH, PEOPLE. Nothing more than that.

88 comments:

  1. People have told me I look like exactly one of two people....

    Chandler from Friends or Olver Platt when I wear a flannel shirt....

    ReplyDelete
  2. Funny enough, the only scene I've seen of the fourth Alien movie was the scene in which she found all of her clones. And I couldn't figure out what was going on, so I left the room again. I didn't even know what movie it was until I read this post. So thanks for that.

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  3. I've been told throughout my life that I have various doppelgangers around America, male and female. This article just made me remember my own insecurities about being the better "clone". I know your pain. And thanks. :P

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  4. I'd bone yer clone.

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  5. A friend recently told me I looked like one of those B-level TV actresses. I think she's on Law & Order SVU: Boise. So I looked at a picture of her and was surprised that my friend was right. But it was pretty clear what he really wanted to say was that I looked like that actress...but fat.

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  6. I think we'd all bone Adam's clone.

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  7. Ha ha- very funny! However Adam, you sell yourself short. You are a hottie.

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  8. Forget the clone! I'd bone Adam himself! Grr!!!

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  9. People liken me to Katy Perry and Kristen Stewart (that Bella bitch in the sparkly vampire movies) a lot. I can't decide if they're trying to insult me, or give me a compliment.
    'Cause I mean... really, who wants to be associated with Edward Cullen and the glitter seeping through his pores? Or Russell Brand.

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  10. I've been reading your stuff for a while now, and damn, they're really good, and you're really good at what you do. Love your sense of humor and the spin you put on things. But I also agree with one of the other comments. You are kinda selling yourself short. Dude, you're pretty cool and you look good too, quite cute I might add.
    Looking forward to new stories/adventures (no pressure!) :)

    Take care

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  11. I tend to like girls taht look like me.. I'd do me...

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  12. Love it, as always had me laughing out loud while my roommate gave me inconspicuous stares. keep em coming man! p.s - i like the lil animations, very subtle and not overdone.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I had the awkward experience of finding that my Dad's new girlfriend's son looks just like me.
    When our heads are turned no one can tell us apart!

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  14. I hope I don't get caught being on here since I'm in class... Depending on how I do my hair, I always look like this girl whom everybody hates. I think it's worse when somebody tells you that you look like an undesirable person then says, "oh... but you're prettier..." Because then, you would know they really didn't think of you in a good light in the first place... -___-

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  15. bad news. im your doppleganger...

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  16. Brilliant, as always.

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  17. Uumm...Adam. You ARE the evil clone.

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  18. Been reading this blog for a while, I really enjoy the picture guided humor :D or is it humor guided pictures...

    If there's any consolidation, has anyone ever told you that you look like you?

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  19. Outdone yourself on this one, you have.

    Also I have had the same experience as Chanel, above. ("the only scene I've seen of the fourth Alien movie was the scene in which she found all of her clones. And I couldn't figure out what was going on, so I left the room again. I didn't even know what movie it was until I read this post")

    ReplyDelete
  20. Why does Adam insist that he isn't hot? I'd bone him in a heart beat <3

    ReplyDelete
  21. Your classmate from middle school clearly was a fan of The Onion: http://www.theonion.com/articles/lapd-discovers-hidden-deformed-olsen-triplet,576/

    ReplyDelete
  22. I've met my doppleganger. and she has the same first name as me. Very weird experience. We met at a camp that I had always gone to and she was new. So, for the first few days people thought I was being a bitch and ignoring them. It was totally the *other* Brittany. Obviously.
    seriously. This isn't from Parent Trap and I'm not L.Lohan.

    ReplyDelete
  23. At least you are told you look like actors, my dopplegangers are fast food employees apparently. "I saw someone who looked JUST LIKE YOU when I went through the drive thru and McDonalds!" yeah, not awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I would totally bone you Adam! What? Girls can't bone? Well, the equivalent of what girls do to guys! ;D

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  25. I just have one question: Is boning your clone gay? (not that there's anything wrong with that)

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  26. I have been told on numerous occasions I look like a "less emo" version of Avril Lavine... I wish I knew what that meant... Also, love Portland, I am from Tacoma my self. All of my friends went to Lincoln HS on the NW side of town. HA! Anyway, I'm done.

    ReplyDelete
  27. THIS is why I am sworn to kill Michael Cera, and Jesse Eisenberg, and even the Australian DJ Pogo. Nothing against them, but if the better clone can't win then the lesser must prevail!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I enjoyed this very much. I tend to read your posts while in my living room, and then I chortle to myself and my roommates give me creeped out sideways glances.

    I, apparently, have doppleganger personalities. People are always saying "Oh, you remind me so much of my friend _insert-name-here_! But he's a dude..."

    Which I am not.

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  29. lol, I'm totally giggling at work, hope I don't get in trouble..it's never good when people giggle for seemingly no reason =D "I'd bone your clone" hell yeah! Adam is a hottie, and it's sad that he's so hard on himself, but at least it's funny as hell! Thanks Adam!!! <3

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  30. I really like the idea of a failed clone. I live next door to an invisible wife.

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  31. Actually, the first time I saw your profile pick, I thought to myself, "Oh. He looks like that guy from 'Firefly'; Jayne, the 'hired-muscle' dude? Except much much cuter and with more brain."

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm betting your classmate got that idea from The Onion. http://www.theonion.com/articles/lapd-discovers-hidden-deformed-olsen-triplet,576/
    I discovered your blog one night and I read the whole thing. Every single post. In one night. I suppose that, some days, it pays to be an insomniac. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. i've never seen any of the alien movies, maybe that's the part of me that feels empty, maybe

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  34. Brilliant. I would totally have sex with my own clone, just so check, you know. And btw, I never eat tomatoes either.

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  35. adam having sex with adam? O.O can i join in??? @_@

    ReplyDelete
  36. Haha, I'd bone my clone too...and your clone:]

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  37. I always thought that it'd be pretty hard to resist getting it on with myself. I've been with other women, so I know I know what I'm doing and therefore wouldn't be disappointed. And since it's me, it seems more like masturbation than actual homosexuality.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I'm pretty sure Cracked has an article called "Fight or Fuck" on this very subject matter.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Actually I do remember the fourth movie and that particular part. xD

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  40. I highly doubt your the ugly clone, but I definitely get the insecurity. It's so hard to look in the mirror everyday and then at the people around you and still think your image is good. Sometimes I have to stop myself and say that, sure, they might be hot...but have you seen their mom? 20 years down the road I'm still going to be pretty and their hotness will have flown out the window.

    Those beefy guys will end up in being the creepy old guys that fake bake and wear ed hardy ;) so in other words, your for sure the better clone

    ReplyDelete
  41. Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look AMAZINGLY ATTRACTIVE and that you're pretty much a genius? Yeah. That's right.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Once I was told I looked like either Janis Joplin... or a normal, chubby Miley Cyrus


    God I hope I look like Janis Joplin.

    ReplyDelete
  43. I think you're hot.
    And funny. and can draw to boot!
    So if I saw you in a room full of other people I'd eye-hump you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  44. That "gay spock" comment has turned out to be eerily prophetic.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I don't care what anyone says about what you look like. You're one of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. I want to do so many delightfully homoerotic sexiness in, on, and around your various orifices. I have your phone number. I'm just working on pin-pointing it. Soon, my hairy-bean-pole sex-slave. Soon.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I've seen alien 4 & I must say I laughed so fucking hard at the panel in which the clone scene is remixed with the clone wanting to get out of movie by killing herself. Man!!!! I laughed so fucking hard that I think my ribs are cracked! I laughed so fucking hard that I think I shit my underwear! I laughed so fu....!!!

    ReplyDelete
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  50. Maybe I was genetically engineered in a test tube.

    That part gets me. Good one!

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