Thursday, December 9, 2010

Things Are Still OK

I'm a happy person. Really, I swear I am. Sometimes I feel the need to point this out, as most of the stories I tell are slightly depressing. I could write about having a badass picnic lunch in the park, but that just doesn't have the same bite as a tale about my brain dead cat, or the time I thought I was barfing earthworms in the shower.

It's rare that I actually get so bummed out that it significantly affects my life, and on the rare occasion that happens, it's not long before the universe sees fit to balance out my depression with something glorious and bizarre, reminding me that nothing's ever as bad as it seems.

I was in a funk recently, and I knew it was getting bad when even the homeless teens who hang out on the corner of my block started looking glamorous to me. Hell, their deathly cat looked like it was having a better time than I was.


Just when I was teetering on the edge of despair, a girl I know told me a story that suddenly put everything into perspective. Let's call her Regina.

Reeling from a difficult breakup, Regina had found herself at a bar, drinking alone on a Friday night, half a block away from her work.


Regina had been holding herself together in public, but this particular night apparently called for a bit of wallowing and self-medicating. At some point during the night, the memories got a little fuzzy, and upon leaving the bar, Regina remembered little else than having to pee. Knowing the state of most bar bathrooms, and being the dainty lady that she is, she opted to use her office bathroom instead.

And that's the last thing Regina remembered before the memories stopped for the night. Everything else was black.

Flash forward to the following Monday. Regina comes into work, and it's very clear somethingisn't right. Everyone in the building is confused and on edge, and there's talk of a disgruntled employee in the midst. Of course, Regina is as clueless as anyone. And then, suddenly, everything from Friday night comes flooding back.

Regina had peed, alright. Just not in a bathroom. She hadn't been able to find her key to the bathrooms, and in a frantic, drunken frenzy, she did the only thing she could think of. She peed in the giant water bottle her boss kept on her desk. She peed in it, and then she left it there.


Regina admitted it was her. I guess it was a noble thing to do. I can't imagine how awkward the rest of that day must have been.


Had it been me, I would have denied any knowledge of the incident. I've worked in offices before, and I know it's difficult to live these kinds of things down. When I was in high school, someone drew a giant penis on the soda machine in the break room (ok, ok, it was me) and it was months before people stopped talking about it.

Regina's boss laughed off the incident, but I think the memory of that pee bottle will haunt the office forever.


My thanks goes out to Regina and her permission to tell her story. It was just the thing I needed to remind me I should never take my own trials and tribulations too seriously.


    Fantastic closing. Just pulls everything together in a neat little package.

  2. AMTTLOP requesting you make a "LOL Mondays!" calendar.

  3. I don't think I've ever been drunk enough to think peeing in a water bottle was the sanest choice.

  4. did she spill any? cuz if not... she's got some awesome drunk aim...

  5. There was a girl in my dorm who drunkly walked into another girl's room and peed in her wooden desk chair in the middle of the night. I always locked my door after this especially since I lived the floor below the victim.

  6. My friend Timothy told me a story once about his time in the hospital. Apparently he was reading quite peacefully, at around 10 at night, when this crazy old lay walked into his room, dropped her pants, and peed on his chair. It made me feel a lot better abut my life, too :]

  7. One time I was very drunk and sleeping in my room when I woke up in the middle of the night and I really needed to pee. I didn't want to walk all the way to the bathroom, it seemed like a very long walk at the time. So I decided to pee in the garbage can that I used to have in my room.
    I didn't remember the incident the next morning until I noticed the stench coming out of my room. At the time I also remembered how the night before I thought it was a brilliant idea to pee in the garbage can wondering how I had never thought of that before.

  8. Haha, love your blog and particularly this post. My motto is, "Worse things have happened to better people". Puts things into perspective.

  9. Was this the same friend that shat her pants in bed?

  10. Love your comic! This is the funniest thing I've read in a very long time! Your illustrations are fantastic.

  11. hahahah...

    i have peed in a water bottle before

  12. Hooray for an update! Love the blog, and I feel the need to continue encouraging you in case you think no one is reading and stop writing.

  13. aww I was kind of in a funk too. Let "Regina" know that her story is being well appreciated : )

  14. Great story man, your illustrations make it even funnier. I'm always cracking up at my desk like a lunatic...probably should stop reading your blog at work...

  15. Your storytelling skills are brilliant. Your posts always brighten my day and make me chuckle.

  16. One of my friends from college drunkenly walked into some random girls room in the middle of the night, got up on their rotating chair, and started peeing all over the room while the chair was spinning. When the girls woke up and asked what the h*** he was doing, he told yelled at them to get the f*** out of the guys bathroom.

  17. One time my dormmate in college decided to switch her usual sleeping position (as in put her head where her feet usually were). During the night she had to pee but apparantly got confused because of her changed position and headed in the opposite direction of the bathroom. In that direction, where from her perspective should have been the bathroom door, was instead her own closet. She got in, peed, got out, and went contentedly back to sleep. Now, I was kind of mortified that I had witnessed this and I didn't have the courage to wake her and tell her what she had done... so I let her find out for herself in the morning.

  18. I stumbled upon your page the other day and flew through every entry in one sitting. I could not stop laughing, particularly at the progression of drawings for "But....But He Started It!" with the little girls on the bus. I think I shed a few tears when I saw the penis' in the bubbles. I can't wait for your next entry!

  19. hahaha a floating bottle of pee haunting an office worker is apparently the funniest image I've seen in a while.

    Funny entry overall (your friend Regina is a good sport!), with a really important message that most should remember.

  20. giggling...... STILL giggling - 5 minutes later and after showing this post to 3 people in my office, there is a LOT of giggling over here...

  21. Dude, you've probably been in a funk cause it's been raining non-stop in Portland. Well, it stopped today! YEAY!!! Just in time for my root canal :-)

  22. This is funny and all, but you kinda sorta already did it. Jerk.

  23. ^ Looks like Anonymous has me all figured out!

  24. Anonymous has clearly spent more time on being pissy than on learning basic grammar and punctuation.

  25. Methinks Anonymous is jealous of your talent, awesomeness and ability to use proper grammar.

    Regina is my hero! Can't believe she came clean about the incident.

    Once, back when I had some brief kidney and bladder-related issues, the doctors were doing tests, and left me for a few minutes in an exam room. I was under strict instructions NOT to use the restroom until they did the ultra-sound that was scheduled. (I needed a full bladder for the ultra-sound apparently.)

    WELL. Due to the copious amounts of water I had consumed I COULD NOT hold it any longer. So I relieved myself in the wastebasket in the corner reserved for hazardous materials. I figured it was fitting. AH. The relief. AND, the ultra-sound still worked fine. HA.

    And that is my over-share story of the day. When you gotta go... well, you know the rest.

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