Sunday, October 10, 2010

Television! Teacher, Mother, Secret Lover

Alright. Let's get something out in the open: I have shitty taste in TV shows.

Okay, there, I said it. My television watching habits are downright embarrassing. I also listen to NPR, so I like to think it all comes out in the wash, but the fact of the matter is that I'm probably the reason the nation is going downhill intellectually. Case in point: I actually own Small Wonder on DVD, and I can name the winner of every cycle of America's Next Top Model. Hell, I know they call them cycles instead of seasons, which is shameful enough as it is. I could rattle off terrible shows ad nauseum, detailing salacious storylines in sickening depth, but I'll spare everyone the torture and just get to the point: Teen Mom.

Teen Mom is by far my favorite guilty pleasure. A spin-off of MTV's own 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom is a reality show that follows four young women as they stumble through motherhood and generally make fools of themselves on a regular basis. It's the kind of cringe-worthy, exploitative trash that's been rapidly taking over the airwaves in recent years. And I fucking love it. I'm crazy about the show because almost everyone on it is completely vile and unpleasant. The cast has become celebrities in their own right, so I thought what better way honor these horrid individuals than as collectible trading cards?


teenmomtitlingteenmommaci

Maci is the single capable parent on the entire show, and might actually be likeable if it weren't for her addiction to spray tans. For the first half of this season, her orange skin matched her copper dyed hair almost exactly. I thought I needed to adjust my TV set on more than one occasion.

Her baby, Bentley, could even stand a chance of growing up normally, but Maci's competence is offset completely by Ryan, the father, who is seemingly perpetually unemployed. Ryan appears hellbent on becoming the poster child for deadbeat dads everywhere. If he isn't napping at his parents' house or avoiding finding legitimate work, he's telling Maci that she's lazy, or stupid, or threatening to take her to court over their child. My guess is he'll end up doing gay-for-pay porn within the next few years, effectively completing the cycle of The Reality Show Douchebag.


teenmomamber

Amber and Gary have a relationship that's almost beyond words. Amber goes back and forth between literally punching Gary in the face and making him propose to her, over and over and over again, while their baby Leah screams from the other room. I've lost count of how many times these two have gotten engaged (Gary spent a mere $21.40 for an engagement ring at Walmart), then broken up, only to kiss and make up before the episode's end. Their tumultuous relationship used to be marginally understandable, as they were both at one time the size of baby elephants. However, since losing a significant amount of weight, Amber seems to be on a cruel power trip with Gary, knowing that no matter how awfully she treats him, he'll always come crawling back to her with a to-go box of meatloaf and mashed potatoes.

Most recently, Amber seems to have finally given up on playing games with Gary, and has begun dating a registered child molester.

Yes, seriously.

(Edit: Ok, so he turned out not to be a child molester, just an unspeakable creepster.)



teenmomcaitlynn

Caitlynn and Tyler made the wise decision to give their little troll up for adoption, thus giving themselves the chance to do something with their lives, though God knows what. College seems out of the question, as neither of them have enough credits to graduate from high school. Frankly I don't even know why these two are on the show, since they don't have a child anymore and they have the personalities of tree stumps. I suppose I have to give them credit for being somewhat well-adjusted, because their home lives are tragic even by my low standards. Tyler's mullet-sporting dad has been in and out of rehab, and Caitlynn's mom looks like a cross between Gollum and a Faces of Meth "after" photo.

To make matters worse, their parents are actually dating each other. I don't even want to think about that one too much. Another season of this family and I'll have a hard time telling the difference between them and the creeps from that "Home" episode of The X-Files.


teenmomfarrah

Farrah, the show's resident single mom, started off sort of fun to watch but quickly unraveled into possibly the most spiteful human being on television next to Glenn Beck and Maddy Gosselin. The big story with Farrah was that her mom apparently assaulted her earlier this year, though no one can really be sure with Farrah. In all honesty I can't really blame her mother. I sort of want to assault Farrah myself.

It's a wonder that her baby Sophia isn't dead yet, as Farrah's favorite pastime is forgetting the fact that she even has a baby. Sophia spends most episodes either falling off beds or sitting in a sink full of soapy water unattended. Part of me suspects that Farrah might be some kind of Octomom with a closet full of identical babies. Whenever one croaks, she quietly brings out a new one like nothing happened and carries on being a grating skank with a massive head of hair.

Teen Mom has proven to be a ratings powerhouse for MTV, but there's only about another year left before the cast are no longer effectively teens. At that point I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm a 24-year-old adult male, and I need my weekly outlet of naive teenage youths to pass judgment on. Otherwise I might be forced to confront my own shortcomings, and that's just unacceptable.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that America's teens keep poppin' out babies, and that MTV keep giving them reality show contracts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

buycards

68 comments:

  1. Just caught up on all of your posts. I have never read anything so funny. You are a true talent, and need to have your own show. Teen Mom = spot on!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was amazing and spot-on (EXCEPT FOR CATELYNN AND TYLER WHO I TOTALLY LOVE. But, uh, I can forgive your skewering of them because it was still funny) and I laughed out loud.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The greatest thing I've read on the Internet, EVER.

    And I love "Teen Mom". I am team Catelynn & Tyler.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I came from Reddit, and this teen mom post is priceless and spot-on. Awesome work.

    ReplyDelete
  5. From Reddit also. Your Teen Mom post is fucking awesome and definitely spot on. You got Farrah's crying face exactly. Although her real life one is really hilarious/disgusting. It makes me really uncomfortable. I'm a 28 year old mother and I can't stop watching this bullshit.

    ReplyDelete
  6. the maddy gosselin thing hahahaha
    im so glad someone else notices that too

    ReplyDelete
  7. the maddy gosselin thing hahahaha
    im so glad someone else notices that too

    ReplyDelete
  8. Did you get the title of this post from the movie Oldboy by any chance?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I have a similar disorder. Shit television viewer and NPR listener. I hope against hope it balances out.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This just made my day.
    I love npr and teen mom too. a little more love for teen mom though...
    thanks for writing your blog, you're great.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You had me at " 'Small Wonder on dvd" ... marry me?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'll be looking for the trading cards in stores soon!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hahaha I so agree with you. I have the same love\hate relationship with these reality shows. You are hilarious. I love the playing cards, they are so dead on. hahahah

    ReplyDelete
  14. Dude I think this is the funniest thing I've seen on the internet that was actually funny on purpose. Your description of caitlynn and tyler's parents and your drawings have me laughing still even as I type this. And the fact that you called a 10 year old one of the most spiteful human beings on the planet was the nail in the coffin. It's so true. I love it. Mad props.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I always attributed Maci's Oompa Loompa complexion to cake-icing thickness of the wrong shade of foundation. But now that I think, spray tan does make sense.
    And as for Caitlynn - she acts like a baby and her boyfriend looks like one so together it's like they still have a kid.

    ReplyDelete
  16. i laughed for 5 minutes at the drawing of catelynn!!! awesome post! btw im pretty sure catelynn's mom and tylers dad got married. that is before he was sent off to rehab for the billionth time.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Gahh, Maci's spray tan drives me insane.

    They always seem to choose a freeze frame picture of her where she's raising her arm and showing her streaky armpits.

    ReplyDelete
  18. LOL I agree with previous poseteryou got Farrah's crying face exactly!! This is also my guilty pleasure! I can't wait until next season!

    ReplyDelete
  19. "Another season of this family and I'll have a hard time telling the difference between them and the creeps from that "Home" episode of The X-Files."

    Oh my dear, LORD! THAT was one freaky episode and I was hoping to never EVER have to think of it again... Thank you, Adam (& StumbleUpon) for making sure I have a few more nightmares.

    Great stuff, by the by!

    ReplyDelete
  20. So funny.. I've never seen teen mom or 16 & pregnant before but I happened to be watching mtv as I was reading this and 16& pregnant came on and it was farrah's episode. What a coincidence... lol

    ReplyDelete
  21. hey you know a new season of 16 and pregnant just started right?!

    ReplyDelete
  22. You had me at Teen Mom. Brilliant. Bookmarked and all that.

    ReplyDelete
  23. This is absolutely amazing. You sir a a genius.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love that! Sometimes I tried to reach through the TV screen and strangle Farrah but all I got was a few bruises. Also no one can ever know I like this show.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Shit, I remember this! I only stumbled upon 1 episode of Teen Mom, when Caitlynn had a huge fight with her mom's boyfriend/stepdad, whatever he was, then ran over to Tyler's for comfort, while Amber and Gary fought, split and got back together all happy and stuff. So dumb, but oh so addictive.

    You definitely nailed it!
    Awesome job btw! Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Me and my girlfriend watch Teen Mom endlessly (as we are big fat lesbians) and your portrayal of Amber is so incredible, I can barely stand it.

    Why IS Catelynn still around?!

    P.S.

    Did you see Dr. Drew tear Amber a new one?

    And isn't it ironic that after every take of Amber and Gary, MTV has some information posted about domestic abuse? BAHAHAHA.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Finally someone understands my love of teen mom!! This is brilliant, you got them all spot on, especially Farrah, someone needs to beat some sense into that girl. This blog is fantastic, i love it!! Keep up the great work. :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thinks that Maddy Gosselin is a horrible human being...

    Great blog! Absolutely hilarious. I'll be subscribing just as soon as I get done writing this inane comment.

    ReplyDelete
  29. buahahaha, those are so completely spot on! I'm in the same boat as you...I adore filthy TV, Teen Mom was my guilty pleasure, I watched it every chance I got. But I also listen to NPR, so that evens it out, right?

    just stumbled across your blog and it is cracking me up, keep up the awesome! :D

    ReplyDelete
  30. I learned very quickly that I can't read your stories while drinking any sort of liquid. I literally almost died. You're brilliant :) Teen Mom is the show I watch when I feel terrible about myself. It always helps!

    ReplyDelete
  31. "I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that America's teens keep poppin' out babies..."

    NOOO PLEEAASSEE NOOO.
    DON'T PUT THAT EVIL ON US!

    ReplyDelete
  32. I stumbled on this post a couple of months ago and have been reading since :)
    I used to think teen mom was really dumb and a waste of who knows how many hours a week... then I went to college and one of my roommates is addicted. Now, it still is stupid and a waste of who knows how many hours a week... but I LOVE IT!!!
    I love Tyler and Caitlin though, but I do agree and wonder why they are even on the show.
    I watch for Amber. Her drama :) it makes me laugh.
    Keep drawing awesome pictures and making funny posts!!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Completely agree. I have crappy taste in shows too (in fact they mirror yours, Teen Mom and Top Model are shameful but awesome). Don't worry about MTV taking Teen Mom off the air, they are starting Teen Mom 2 :D 4 new moms. Yay. I am very excited, January will be a good month :P

    ReplyDelete
  34. The description of Caitlynn's mom "a cross between Gollum and a Faces of Meth "after" photo." I honestly used this exact same comparison when I was introducing my friend to the horror (joy) of Teen Mom.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Haven't laughed that much in ages :D

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh Man!! STILL LAUGHING!! Have to share with EVERYONE!!! ROTF, ROTFLMAO!!!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Holy Crap! Home... Bad imagery...

    *shudder*

    That episode creeped me out.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I laughed out loud multiple times. I too am an otherwise intellectual and competent human being, but I cannot get enough Teen Mom. Your descriptions are spot on. I can't get enough.

    ReplyDelete
  39. You are so funny, PLEASE make another one about this season's teen moms (if you watch).

    ReplyDelete
  40. Sooo funny! Please make "trading cards" for Teen Mom 2!

    ReplyDelete
  41. I won't lie, I watch this show as well. Though I'm a teenage girl and it seems that I am the average type to watch this show.. It's definitely not something I would typically watch. I avoid drama and don't have any in my life, so I tend to go to reality shows for my weekly dose of drama. Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  42. I think we need a Teen Mom 2 round-up. Adam may be in competition with Ryan for the worst dad award.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Evidence that we need to support Planned Parenthood. Jebus Crispy!

    ReplyDelete
  44. I think you just made me a Christian.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I spent the last few hours combing through all of your blog posts...while in class. Let's just say it was good luck I was sitting in the back because I was making awkward trying-not-to-laugh faces the whole time. That said, this post is the epitome of my life...I'm a huge fan of trash tv, especially MTV, especially Teen Mom--and I'm in medical school.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Oh my word I was laughing so hard while reading this that I actually had to stop eating my dinner for fear I would choke. My parents used to tell me that I should do comics strips of my life cause they loved my doodles, but after reading/looking at this, I don't know if I would ever be able to compare. Your stories are great and witty, and your drawings are hilarious. Great job and I look forward to more of your work.

    ReplyDelete
  47. You captured Caitlynn and Tyler so well in your portraits.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes to watch this sort of crap on TV. I'm a closet reality show junkie. When anyone is over watching TV, I have to be careful not to change the channel to one of my guilty pleasures lest they make fun of me. :(

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hahaha, omg, that is EXACTLY how they look! I love teen mom.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Haha omg this totally made my day! :D
    This just puts a smile to my face, all your drawings are just amazing. :)

    ReplyDelete
  51. time to draw Farrah with bigger, perkier tits. That's right... baby bills? court bills? rent? electricity? gas water food? NOPE. boobs. huge boobs.

    ReplyDelete
  52. you have to make teen mom 2 trading cards!

    ReplyDelete
  53. Don't worry, my favourite guilty pleasure tv show is My little Pony..

    ReplyDelete
  54. PLEASE do these for teen mom 2. i would love to hear your take on jenelle. that bitch is a hot freaking mess

    ReplyDelete
  55. Yes! Please do this for Teen Mom 2! I would love to see how you would do that cast.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Teen Mom, the Legend of Korra and SNL are the only reasons why I turn my T.V on anymore. This reality show is pure genius and I love that people out there would actually believe that these girls are an example to follow (Maci is, though, I agree about the tan)

    ReplyDelete
  57. fatty liver prevention treatment fatty liver prevention treatment fatty liver prevention treatment

    Also visit my blog post - treatment of non alcoholic fatty liver disease

    ReplyDelete
  58. And now Farrah has a sex tape. She's a squirter! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  59. I was just read your article that was really superb got much pleasure to read that post. please keep sharing post like that.thanks for share with us for this post.good bye.www.manorfarmbarns.co.uk |

    www.thinkaboutthings.co.uk |

    www.mouldingdies.co.uk |

    www.loungepillow.co.uk |

    www.carschools.co.uk |

    www.townbakery.co.uk |

    www.thegreendivision.co.uk |

    www.haflingersgb.co.uk |

    www.netrevelation.co.uk |

    www.ataleof2oceans.co.uk |

    ReplyDelete