Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Let's Get Physical

Fortune does not favor my family. Tragic deaths are commonplace, from falling off the Fort Peck Dam to being mauled to death by bulls. Those who manage to avoid fatal accidents usually find themselves stricken with any number of diseases: my grandfather has diabetes, several aunts and uncles died from cancer, and my mom has a dead leg or something–though I'm not entirely sure about that one as I tend to not really pay attention to other people's problems. Anyway, sometime around freshman year of college, I started running regularly in an attempt to prevent premature disease. I lived in Boston at the time, and since New England winters are more brutal than a Cannibal Corpse concert, I turned reluctantly to the necessary comfort of the gym for my running needs.

Four years later, I still run at the gym regularly, and I can honestly say I'd rather be stabbing myself daily in the neck with a fork than to continue my torrid affair with the gym. And yet, night after night, I find myself in a race against no one, running on a treadmill under halogen lamps while 90's dance remixes blare from overhead speakers. I'm also a complete night owl, and it's not uncommon for me to get my running time in after midnight. My gym is conveniently open round the clock, and it's generally desolate during those late night hours–save for a handful of seemingly unavoidable weirdos.

It begins as soon as I walk in the door. The fella who runs the desk during the night shift is a tiny little thing, elf-like in both size and demeanor. Oftentimes, I can barely see him behind the counter.

Gym07

I'm not altogether convinced he isn't descended from mythical creatures. His ears are a little too pointy, his manner a touch too sprightly, his eyes entirely too sparkly. He simply can't be entirely human.

Gym08

At this point I'm already rethinking my plans to exercise in favor of a pint (ok, gallon. Let's be serious here) of Häagen-Dazs, but I soldier on. The locker room is usually empty at night, and thankfully so. On the rare occasion I visit the gym during the day, the locker room is by far the worst aspect of my trip. Let me interject that I'm perfectly comfortable with the human body, but my gym seems to be a bit too open with the nudité, and the effect can be somewhat overwhelming. I try to keep my eyes on the ceiling and get changed as quickly as possible. Look, dudes are gonna be naked, and that's fine. It's a gym locker room. Life is full of dicks, both figurative and literal. What I have a problem with is that there's always one naked guy who feels the need to get chatty, and more often than not he feels the need to get chatty with me.

Gym02

There should be a rule against having any sort of conversation while in the buff. I'm sorry, naked guy in front of me, but I can't listen to your story about the neighbor's dog killing the paper boy when your junk is TOTALLY RIGHT THERE IN MY FACE. The locker room is for changing into athletic apparel, not parading around like some fleshy, manscaped peacock. Now excuse me while I go scrub my eyes out with hydrochloric acid.

My ultimate goal is to run in peace, but even after I solve the Gatekeeper's riddles and battle past the Naked Hordes, it's never quite so easy. I came close last week, though. I had the entire upper floor of cardio machines to myself, and it was glorious. For a time it appeared I'd be able to run in blissful solitude. However, several minutes into my run, I was joined by another. He chose the treadmill right next to me, which is something I'll never understand. With several dozen machines to pick from, why choose the one neighboring mine? But hey, free country and all that jazz.

He began to run, and it quickly became clear this was not an activity he engaged in often.

GymRun01

Now, I'd assume running to be a pretty self-explanatory undertaking, but apparently it's more difficult for some to master. The guy started glancing my way with increasing worry on his face. He seemed to be taking cues from me, matching his machine's settings to mine, searching my face for reassurance, as if he expected me to be his Sherpa through the trials and tribulations of gymnasia.

GymRun02

10 minutes in. Homeboy was spiraling out of control.

GymRun03

15 minutes. Heart attack imminent.

GymRun04

20 minutes. Time to find a new machine. Peace out, dude.

Of course, it doesn't stop there. Some nights, I find myself sharing the cardio machines with a charming young woman with talon-like fingernails and painted-on eyebrows so high they seem to be escaping from her face. She comes dressed in street clothes, and walks leisurely on her treadmill, all the while literally screaming into her cellphone in Spanglish.

Gym04

I've considered saying something to her, but there's no doubt she'd claw my face off with her neon painted claws. Usually when I see her, I just head downstairs to the weight room, grab some 5-pound weights, and work my noodle arms while I wait for Señorita Yappyface to wrap up her conversation. The weight room isn't without its dangers, though. When I'm down there, what generally ensues is something akin to that scene in Jurassic Park where John Hammond's granddaughter is hiding from Velociraptors, but instead of dinosaurs, I'm evading juiced-up meatheads and the little beads of sweat they fling in my direction as they grunt their way through upper body circuits. Depending on how many Herculean behemoths are pumping iron on a given night, it can be like dodging rainfall. Warm, salty rainfall.

Gym05

It might sound like I'm complaining excessively, but I feel like with a little common sense, everyone can have an enjoyable gym experience. And by everyone, I mean me.

Gym03

Simple as that. Now hit the showers. Just please don't choose the shower stall next to me.

Gym06


96 comments:

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  2. Your little tooshie in the last drawing is adorable.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Awesome. I used to go to the YMCA, and my mailman would choose the elliptical machine next to mine and fart for 45 minutes...

    Good times.

    ReplyDelete
  4. the real solution to having a dude with a cock in your face is to just stare at his cock with your mouth hanging open... or to just look at it, wag your little finger, and then give a little "honey, no..." look.

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  5. If you have such adorable ass, now I get why in hell those dudes keep on talking to you while naked.
    Yes, I know, I added yet another paranoia to your existence.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This whole post... genius.

    The last picture- LOVE! <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. Geeze, what gym do you go to? I wonder what it's like in the dead dead of night.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

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  9. This really rarely happens to me, but I laughed so hard at the spanglish, talon-like fingernailer that I started crying. Thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
  10. "..solve the Gatekeeper's riddles and battle past the Naked Hordes.." Ok, this is officially my favorite line of the story. However, my favorite overall feature of this particular post has to be the second to last picture with the "rules" numbered one through three. Definitely had me "Laughing Out Loud." I hope your blogs are based on true events because they are just...wow. Thank you Stumbleupon for introducing me to your blog. I am currently avoiding studying for my statistics final by sitting up and reading as many of your posts as I can.
    -Y

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  11. The bit about the out of shape guy on the treadmill next to yours had me laughing hysterically. That last picture of him is too much

    ReplyDelete
  12. Tits man. This blog is the funniest thing I've read this year. I don't think the coming 11 months will offer much competition.

    Mother fucking cheers-

    ReplyDelete
  13. You just summed up exactly why I don't like going to the gym :-P

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hahaha. I've been in the Air Force for 5 years now and I keep hoping to find a gym (on or off base) that meets your rules. 4 countries later i'm still failing. I actually think the women are worse then the guys though; I never used to be afriad of other chicks... :-/

    ReplyDelete
  15. hahaha this is awesome, I have a creeper who follows me around the gym, tries to race me on the elliptical and treadmill and then tries to look up my shorts when I'm on the weight machines.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your blog just made my morning. :) The perils of the gym. Ha ha. You forgot to include the heavily perfumed lady that always seems to pick the machine right next to you almost inducing an asthma attack. But maybe that just happens to me :P

    ReplyDelete
  17. Stifled LOL @ work once again!
    LOVE the Elf Desk Man!!!!!! Hillarious!
    The expressions you use on your illustrations are so spot on.

    :D

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  18. Adam, would you pleeeease make a shirt with the rules for an enjoyable gym experience? I can wear it when I go to the gym and all the late night creepers can know not to mess with me!

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  19. I agree! Gym rules T-shirt, please!! :D

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  20. Am reading al ur posts.Funny funny funny!

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  21. Can I get a translation for the end of the fingernail girls conversation? I tried a translator, but came up with gibberish. And not somewhat understandable gibberish either. Something about fish. My curiosity is driving me insane.

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