Thursday, September 2, 2010

Have You Met My Friend Gin?

I have a confession to make. In my ripe old age of 23, I've more or less lost the ability to party hearty. When it comes to my choice of alcohol, I'm more inclined to nurse a bloody mary at home, wrapped in a leopard-print Snuggy watching reruns of Wings than I am to do jello shots in a dive bar somewhere. But when Saturday night rolls around and my friends call me to hang out, I have to begrudgingly oblige, lest I become a complete recluse. The Boo Radley of Northwest Portland, if you will.

For the most part, I've learned my limit and can walk the fine line between being merrily drunk and utterly schwasted. I can normally take care of myself, but problems arise when people start to buy me drinks. Truth be told, I'm not quite attractive enough to rely on strangers purchasing me drinks on a regular basis, nor do I have the charisma to work free drinks out of people very often, but if there's a drag queen in the joint, it's all over.

I'm not sure what it is about the drag queens. They always seem to find me and attempt to liquor me up with appletinis. I'm beginning to think I have some sort of drag queen tracking device embedded in my neck, or maybe I emit some sort of drag queen pheromone, I don't know.

Hooburrito01

And that's when everything goes downhill. What ensues is something akin to an 80's movie montage, and for the next several hours I'm lost in a fog of free cocktails and Aqua Net Super Hold. Later, after the bars close, I can always tell how much trouble I'm in by gauging one of two things: the first is how insatiable my craving for Denny's breakfast is, and the second is how many times I freak out from imaginary squirrel attacks. The latter is far more distressing, as there's no telling how many times I'll see vicious, fictional creatures leaping from tree branches into my face.

Hooburrito02

The Denny's thing is probably more upsetting long-term, however. In my waking life, I pride myself on eating as healthy as possible. For example, I might only have three donuts for breakfast instead of four, or I'll eat Taco Bell for dinner instead of McDonald's for a sixth night in a row–because being an adult means making adult decisions. Boozy Adam isn't as inclined to make such judicious choices, though. Many a Saturday night I've found myself hunched over a sticky Denny's table somewhere, struggling to make sense of the menu, wishing the tiny words would stop moving around like caterpillars, before finally giving up and making my decision based on the photos alone, pointing clumsily for the waitress at whichever entree has the most melted cheese and the highest content of animal fat.

Last time this happened, I ended up ordering something called the Hooburrito. If you aren't familiar with this abomination (and I pray to Vishnu you aren't), allow me a moment to enlighten you. The Hooburrito is a burrito stuffed with crispy chicken strips, onion rings, pepper jack cheese, barbecue sauce, and some sort of nondescript melty cheese sauce–basically a heart attack wrapped in a tortilla. To make matters worse, it's actually named after and endorsed by Hoobastank.

Yes, you heard me. Hoobastank. Hoobastank. Denny's has a dish designed by FUCKING HOOBASTANK. Apparently Denny's has a whole bunch of shitty items endorsed by terrible bands, but the Hooburrito takes the cake. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in a restaurant, hands down.

And you know what? It was amazing. Like, top 10 meals of my life amazing. I'm sure it was the alcohol talking, but that damn burrito was so delicious I cried. I took one bite, and literally teared up. It was like seeing the smiling face of God.

Hooburrito03

And, as is always the case, I woke up the next morning in complete misery.

Now, I don't know what it's like to be pregnant–and thankfully I'll never have to experience the glorious miracle/disgusting agony of childbirth–but I imagine it's like being bloated on gin n' tonics and Hooburritos. Of course, I also used to think that girls peed out their butts, so I obviously I have a loose grasp on the female experience at best.

Hooburrito04Hooburrito05

Clearly my body is begging for me to treat it better, and I suppose sooner or later I'm going to have to start listening and stop filling it with garbage, but my brief love affair with the Hooburrito will remain a sparkling high point in my life. A delicious, painful experience I'll never forget. I'm getting choked up just thinking about it.

Wait, nope, that's more Hooburrito. Excuse me while I vomit.

157 comments:

  1. Adam, ive seen you and you ARE adorable!!! and this is soooo fun! i suscribed!!!!!! keep me entertained honey!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies

    1. Lê Tiêu Dao nói.

      Thi đấu về luyện khí sư, Lê Tiêu Dao tự nhiên là muốn đi một chút, bởi vì có Nhạc Thành ở đây, hơn nữa Lê Giang Nam cũng biết rõ Nhạc Thành còn có năm con ma thú, trong đó có một con ma thú cấp tám.

      - Nhạc Thành, ngươi làm gì mà tại sao không phải để ý đến ta?

      Lê Tiêu Dao nhìn thấy Nhạc Thành không để ý tới mình thì không kìm được tức giận.

      - Ngươi còn nđồng tâm
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      số điện thoại tư vấn pháp luật miễn phí
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      tổng đài tư vấn pháp luật
      dịch vụ thành lập công ty trọn gói
      http://we-cooking.com/
      chém gióói nữa ta sẽ đem chuyện kia nói cho phụ thân ngươi biết.

      Nhạc Thành trừng mắt nhìn Lê Tiêu Dao, tiểu thư ngang ngược kiêu ngạo này thì không thể nói lý lẽ.

      - Hừ, ngượi dám…. Chuyện này mà xong chúng ta sẽ tiếp tục đấu với nhau.

      Lê Tiêu Dao đúng là hơi kiêng kỵ Nhạc Thành, ngoan ngoãn ngậm miệng lại, hung hăng nhìn hắn.

      Một lát sau, trận đấu của Luyện khí sư đã sắp bắt đầu, Lê Tiêu Dao đã sớm báo danh cho Nhạc Thành, có được vị tiểu thư của Cuồng Sư môn báo danh giúp, Nhạc Thành cùng với Thanh Bối Ma Ngưu lập tức đi vào trong trường, sau đó Lê Tiêu Dao liền tiến đến chiếc ghế trọng tài của Luyện Khí sư. Thân phận đại tiểu thư của Cuồng Sư môn

      Delete
    2. Oh yeah? My ghost is a fucking GHOST GRADE NINE!! It's a hell of a lot more interesting than your STOOPID ghost grade eight. HAHAHAHA! Ghost grade eight...how fucking pathetic.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
  2. Very funny! Loved the artistry!

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  3. Great work. Thanks for sharing. Keep it coming.

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  4. My girlfriends and I have a name for the thing you describe.
    After too many cocktails and inevitably bad food we have named the morning intestinal distress: The Gin Shits.

    And I really, really want to try this burrito now. AND I WOULD DO IT SOBER.

    PS: I love this blog.

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  5. Your blog is fantastic. Keep up the great work.

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  6. Hey, I can't view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.

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  7. Are you stoned in this story? 7-days is awesome when stoned. Well im stoned. What im even doing here?

    Well, dorritos

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  8. It was a bad idea to read this at work, I think this post gave me an asthma attack from laughing so hard. This and the Teen Mom post are my favorites so far.

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  9. So funny, thanks for the laughs.

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  10. Damn, you are hilarious.

    You think the Hooburrito is good, you should try the Fried Cheese Melt.

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  11. This was insanely fantastic!
    I can hardly count the times I've seen that damned burrito on the menu and thought "WTF?"

    Love ths post, and
    enjoy reading your blog [:

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  12. I seriously thought the Hooburrito was a Dr. Seuss thing. I had no idea.

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  13. Hooburrito eh? Interesting. Thankfully I'll never have to experience the glorious miracle/disgusting agony of eating a hooburrito.

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  14. Haha, great read man. It usually know how drunk I am when I count the number of friends I still have nearby. I usually ranges from 0 to 7-9, with 0 being shitfaced. I once thought I was at 4 but it turned out to be someone else's friends...

    Subscribed.

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  15. Oh man I know this pain...I know it all too well. @____@;

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  16. I just "stumbled" upon this blog and love it so far!

    "In my ripe old age of 23, I've more or less lost the ability to party hearty." Is it sad that I can relate to this? I'm 23 as well and my idea of a nice weekend is walking around searching for quirky shops, watching movies, walking around aimlessly or just avoiding my roommates as much as possible.

    I'm avoiding that burrito at all costs!

    I just saved this blog to my faves :)

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  17. The after-booze poo's.. they'll getcha

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  18. Its about 2 AM here but I can't stop reading your stuff. They are hilarious!

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  19. Ugh... you know, I can't TELL you how many times I think I induced this event on people. Granted, it can't be fun in the morning, but good GOD did I get to know the Denny's Menu for ALL the drunk runs there at 1 in the morning.

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  20. I'm almost sad we don't have Denny's in the UK so I'll never get to experience such delights as the Hooburrito or the bewildering 'bacon burger fries' (do they really just cut burgers into bits and sprinkle them on top??)...then again, maybe its for the best.

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  21. I LOVE the ending. Very nice mental image, thank you. My favorite part has to be the second picture of the "drag queens," when the skinny one says, "SHH. Adam has arrived." I don't know why, but I just thought that was the funniest thing I have ever read...I realize now that I talk to myself when I read, in my mind, not out loud of course..that would be crazy. I wonder if you actually read these comments..highly doubtful, but I enjoy making them anyway. I am going to comment my favorite aspect of every post. You are welcome.
    -Y

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  22. You're way too funny for my post-op abdomen..thanks so much for giving me a hernea. I was severely disappointed when I reached the end of your blog. Your humor is perfect! On a side note, if that's you on the right side of the margin, you're definitely attractive enough for people to buy you drinks ;)

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  23. I like the "Boo Radley" reference from "To Kill a Mocking Bird".


    Keep up the good work....you actually are pretty funny.

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  24. I thought the rest were HILARIOUS, but this was the absolute fucking best. Keep up the great work man. Your illustrations have me laughing out loud and tearing up. Thanks. :>

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  25. Wow I freaking love this. I lost my ability to party hearty about four minutes after my 21st birthday. So I can feel your pain.

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  26. Adam,

    I recently discovered your blog and I am LOVING IT!!! You are so funny!

    I actually had to stifle myself because I literally needed to LOL at this one!!!! I rarely literally LOL. EVER. So...you basically are the funniest person, ever!!!!

    So excited for more creative funny people.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Yeah, tried the Hooburrito and it's delicious! Party mud will always get you the day after. Better watch out.

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  28. I too have drunkenly ordered the Hooburrito and yes, it was magnificent! <3

    P.S. You are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm laying in my bed dreadfully sick today and I decided to comfort myself with your whimsical tales. Unfortunately, just the thought of food makes me gag. I got as far as your description of the hooburrito before I yacked all over my bedroom floor. After cleaning up the mess, I continue to read your blog.
    Thank you for being wonderful. :)

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  30. Wel I hvnt cme across a hooburrito in India bt must say it sounds like an adventure! Love ur style! Love ue sense of humour!

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  31. i too have fallen under the spell of late-night denny's trips. i am new vegetarian, but i havent eaten red meat since perhaps the fifth grade (i quit when i realized i was a whale of a child)... last winter i went out for a night on the town and by town i mean some random kid's house. it ended in a denny's booth. me with my sloppy wine-sway in full swing and absolutely 0 dollars. but since everyone knows girls will turn into enormous, revolting, hairy monsters if they eat only. a friend bought my meal. a meal consisting of a cheeseburger the size of my head. just the greasiest, cheesiest, meatiest pound of beef you can image. i think i even pass out right on the plate, mid-bite.

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  32. The moment I saw the "I came." I'm pretty sure that I was laughing for a good ten minutes. You're hysterical. Please keep it up. (:

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  33. holy cow, do all boys think girls pee from their butts/vaginas for the greater part of their youth?

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  34. Love the To Kill a Mocking Bird referance!
    I'm utterly in love with your blog after a friend of mine showed me it!
    You remind me of my 18 year old brother, by the way:D

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  35. I love those representations. It really adds essence into your blog. Anyway, I love the idea of thinking that you have a sort of tracking device on your neck or somewhere else. Maybe you are acting like you don't wanna drink so people around you will surely encourage you. Try to act normally instead as if your a drinker.

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  36. khfjhtoyti Oh my god. The Boo Radley, the drag, the Denny's, the fact that that thing's created to HOOBASTANK? I'm ashamed to say that when I was blissfully ignorant to their level of shit, I listened to "The Reason" all the time. Holy shit, it's time for an adventure to Denny's, cause that whole thing was hilarious

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  37. I found your blog thru The Oatmeal, and I love it. I have read to here so far. Your artwork is amazing. And your storytelling is what makes your blog hilarious. And the thumbs up burrito is spectacular.

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  38. no one seems to notice you wrote that you are'nt attractive enough. Shit man you are GORGEOUS

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  39. Rereading old posts, and the Denny's thing made me laugh, hard. I worked there, the midnight to 6AM shift, and honest to God, the Hooburrito was my favourite thing ever. I can't even remember how many overnight shifts ended with a Hooburrito. The fact that I'm not dead is probably nothing short of a miracle.

    ReplyDelete
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