Saturday, August 14, 2010

This is Why Everything Will Be OK

I was having a pretty shitty week last week. Nothing serious––I was mostly battling inconsequential White People Problems like the barista messing up my order, or my American Apparel t-shirts coming out of the laundry wrinkled. However, enough little things had piled up to put me in a funk, and by Tuesday night I'd had enough. I decided to go for a walk to clear my head.

Determined to pull myself out of my gloomy mood, I marched along through the night, a bogus smiled plastered across my face...

ThingsOK01

...completely oblivious of the shovel in my path.

ThingsOK02

Yeah, right in the crotch.

I wasn't aware stuff like that happened in real life without the involvement of Bob Saget and a live studio audience, but apparently the world is full of shovels just lying in wait for an unassuming groin to brutally attack. Nobody is safe. Nobody.

I hobbled home, tears welling up in my eyes, loins throbbing with pain, and spent the rest of the night with a bag of frozen vegetables on my lap.

In the morning, things hadn't improved. As a matter of fact, they'd gotten worse. Upon awaking I was horrified to discover that one of the ol' family jewels had swelled to an alarming size after taking the brunt of the evil shovel's assault. Now, it's always been my intention to keep this blog family friendly (well, sort of) so I hope this visual allusion will suffice in lieu of an actual drawing of my damaged genitals:

ThingsOK03

I imagine this would have been the final straw, sending me into a month-long misery spiral of Cool Ranch Doritos and Fiona Apple music, if not for my infallible optimism––an optimism which is tied solely to a story my friend told me once, a story she divulged in utter confidence. A story recited in hushed verse, so sorrowful it seemed to take on the delicate beauty of prayer. A story I promised never to tell.

Until now.

(Did I mention I'm a terrible confidante?)

My friend––let's call her Jessica, to protect her identity––was fast asleep one night next to her boyfriend, dreaming peacefully of horses or Jimmy Choos or whatever it is girls dream about, not a care in her pretty little head...

ThingsOK04

...when suddenly, she awoke, blood running cold as ice.

ThingsOK05

She had shit her pants in her sleep.


Now, I've spent many hours trying to imagine what must run through your head upon realizing that you've literally shit the bed. I reckon it's a fear you can never recover from. Marie Curie once said "Nothing in life is to be feared." Marie Curie obviously never shit her fucking panties in her sleep.

Luckily, my friend was indeed wearing underwear, and everything was mercifully contained. With her boyfriend sleeping soundly, she leapt into action.

ThingsOK06

Flinging herself from the bed, she bolted to the bathroom where she hurriedly disposed of her undergarments and cleaned herself off.

I can only imagine what she must have felt then, huddled in a ball on the shower floor, knowing that no matter how long she let the scalding water wash over her, she'd never truly be clean again.

ThingsOK07

Jessica's is the voice that drifts through my head whenever my life is looking grim. There are times when my checking account is overdrawn, or when I screw up files at work, or when I'm afraid someone might finally discover the body of that hooker I buried in Washington Park, but I always stop and remind myself that things could be worse. Perhaps I have a limited scope of the world if the worst thing I can imagine is sleep-pooping, but it's what works for me. It's my way of telling myself that everything will be OK.

ThingsOK08

46 comments:

  1. I love you. Truly. I have no idea who you are, but I love you.

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  2. Just so you know, I giggled like a moron all the way to work this morning because I was reading your blog. You make trimet trips much better.

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  3. One night, my wife, who was sick at the time, woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me we needed to move to the pullout bed in the living. Turns out she had a similar incident, sans underwear.

    You don't think about that kinda thing while making your vows, you know?

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  4. My buddy (religion major and atheist) decided to go to church one Easter Sunday for observation purposes. He woke up early, dressed nice, and headed out to his car. When he got to his vehicle, he noticed the driver side and adjacent back doors ajar. When he opened the door, he was first hit by the smell. Of shit. In a pile. On the driver's seat. Upon further investigation, it wasn't only in the driver's seat. In fact, it *ended* in the drivers seat, only after this person (or animal, or living statue) entered the car from the back seat, shitting, climbed across the back seat and over-top his favorite baseball cap and a book, shitting, up and OVER the driver's seat, shitting, and relieving the rest into a pile on the driver's seat. Apparently, my buddy's car was not the only one vandalized by shit that evening.

    So whenever I have a bad day or something equivalent, I just remember "At least nobody shit in my car."

    Have an excellent day! And keep writing... I love your stories.

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  5. oh. my. god. this made my day. i had a best friend that shit so furiously/ violently one time that she literally shot her tampon out of her vajayjay into the toilet in the process. picture that one. ewww.

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  6. I have an "it could be worse" story that gets me through bad days... however, it has to do with where and how I started my first period. Ever. As an adolescent girl. Not pretty- don't think the world is ready for that story yet.

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  7. I can't lie.... I laughed for a good five minutes just at the expression of poor "Jessica" in the shower.

    That being said, it doesn't take much to make me laugh for five minutes.

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  8. Oh shit! that was YOUR dead hooker in Washington Park? Oh my bad man, I'm sorry, I'll put her back.

    Also, excellent slam on Jersey Shore, much appreciated!

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  9. First, your blog the is bomb, kid.

    Second, you reminded me that I once pissed myself-- in church-- at age twelve.

    I nodded off during the sermon, then awakened to the noise of my river of urine rushing off the faux leather seats, flowing towards the front of the church.

    It was literally a stream... I saw Baby Moses floating by in a basket.

    My grandmother was sitting next to me, trying to hand me tissues from a little ditzy ten-pack.

    That'll teach me to take communion.

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  10. Dude, I just found your blog through Stumble Upon and read all of 2010 in one sitting. You are awesome. This one right here made me literally laugh myself to tears. I sent it to my friends.

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  11. Yeah. A similar thing happened to my step-dad while he was sick. And if it'll help your friend feel any better, it was diarrhea and my parents had a memory-foam mattress which is apparently pretty absorbent. And to make it worse, it was my mother who woke up first.

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  12. Dude, pleease tell me you are working on a movie script or something! I swear that would make my day even more than your blog...ROFL... :)

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  13. I was at my step-mother's funeral, and they were going to stick the coffin into one of those wall vaults.

    The hole was covered by a heavy velvet curtain. And I just had to have a look you know? Usually you don't get to see one of those while you're still alive.

    So I moved the curtain ever so slightly.... and who knew? It was held up by a pole that had the most feeble spring ever invented by man, which over time had gotten even more feeble.

    The curtain fell to the ground with a WHUMP. Leaving this gaping concrete hole.

    and a WHOLE LOT of PISSED OFF relatives had to file by this thing, cuz I couldn't get it back on.

    The funeral directors were grim looking, but secretly were enjoying themselves as this is the most entertainment they can possibly get.

    By the way, there's a paradise of unicorns and rainbows in that vault they don't tell you about.

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  14. like nerdy gothick, i found one of ur blogs thru stumble upon n read all the other ones, plz write more often coz i love ur sense of humour, cheers!

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  15. Chest burster alien or shit pants while sleep? I'll definitely go with Kane on this one.

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  16. I could NOT stop laughing throughout this post.

    Please, sir, may I have some more?

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  17. Great post! I needed this laugh, and was glad I had it after most of coworkers had left the office.

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  18. I too am here because of stumbleupon. Everytime I think of the of the chicken and the eggs I giggle. Also you will not illustrate testicles so as to be family friendly but will illustrate a topless girl flying through the air panties full of poo.

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  19. Very nice final image, I love the evil look on your cartoon of you's face. Made my night..sort of. How sad is that? An evil look made my night. Anyhoo, HI-larious as always.
    -Y

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  20. I really love that you have the little alien dude popping out of your chest. Is that suppose to be from Alien or from Spaceballs... because if it's from Spaceballs then you are truly epic.

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  21. Oh this makes me laugh :D It makes me happy to know that many people still have what's called a sense of humor

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  22. You have the greatest sense of humor I've ever come across

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  23. I concur wholeheartedly with Anonymous. Splendid stuff as the Toffs would say

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  24. sometimes, callin this number will cause a tickle in my throat forcing a giggle and slightly make me feel better ^_^:

    401-992-4050

    and no this is not my own #.

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  25. Several years ago my ex husband and my cousin were walking across town cause our car had broke down...when they returned my husband had on a pair of my cousins pants. Turns out as they were about a block from the house they were walking to my ex has a case of exploding diareah and had to walk the final block with shit running down his legs. I still lmao at him every time I see him

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  26. Holy CRAP!! I cried with laughter in bed as I read this post last night. I woke my wife up I was laughing so hard. She gave me "the look" and grumbled herself back to sleep. Fantastic comic! Thank you Sir, May I have another...

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  27. http://somanycakes.poorrichardcomics.com/?p=620# Someone made a cake illustrating the "Oh shit, son" panel of this comic. EPIC.

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  28. Laughed so hard I almost shit my pants myself. You are probably the most amazing person ever. THIS BLOG ROCKS.

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  29. LOL. OH GOD. WHY DID

    WHY DID YOU MAKE THE BOYFRIEND LOOK LIKE ADAM SANDLER, FIRST OF ALL.

    Second, your blog literally makes me lol. Freaks my dog out every time.

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  30. Fiona Apple reference = instantly my favorite blog <3

    This blog seriously cracks me up. xD

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  31. I just shit myself a few weeks ago... right after my undergraduate commencement ceremony. The fact that I was wearing skin-tight spandex shorts under my dress that day turned out to be both a blessing and a curse...

    Pissed myself for the first time this year too. It concerns me that I'm losing control of my bodily functions at such a young age, hah

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  32. Sick as a dog one night, I made a rather liquidy mess on my boyfriend's new tempurpedic mattress. God bless him, he cleaned it up because I was too sick to do it myself. He's the best. Granted, he owed me for the time he had beer shits all over our bathroom floor and I cleaned it up. Not something you anticipate when you move in with your significant other.

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  33. Braless, and tube sock clad.

    My kinda lady.

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  34. P.S.

    Is that Sneaky Phoebe with the flame thrower?

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  35. Crap... you reminded me of the time i shit the bed when i was 13... It was so ... terrifying

    P.S. It's pretty funny that you have to draw eggs to represent your balls... but the shirtless lady was totally appropriate.

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  36. i know someone's already asked about the alien... but pleeeeeeeeease tell me that's the alien from dreamcatcher. ultimate movie of mind-fucks, alien attacks, and male bonding.

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  37. She "leapt into action" hahahaa.. that is thee greatest drawing of all time..!! I just read everyone of your stories.. keep posting! :D

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  38. Now imagine this. You have Inflammatory Bowell disease, right? Got surgery, removed your entire colon. Think about that. Diahrea for the rest of your life, and if you're like a large sum of us... you have to wear Depends at night. I know how your friends feels, and that feeling never really goes away. O_O

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  39. Whoever you are, you just made my day. Sincere thanks, and absolute laughs (yup, at the shovel and shower incidents, however cruel that might be!)

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  40. Once again an alien franchise reference! LOL

    I loved the panel in which you get hit by the shovel and your face is so freakishly humorous that I LITRLY SHAT MA PNTS!

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  41. Yeah... The universe is a real catty bitch, and it hates me.
    About 10 years ago (when i was sans- car) walking to work a few days after a snow storm. you know when the world turns to ice and there is no snow to be found... i slid across the street almost busting my ass. but i stopped sliding safely at the other side only to look back and realize i didnt almost die on a patch of ice... but a FREAKIN' BANANA PEEL!!!
    seriously. and there was not a single human in sight to witness that beautiful cliche at its finest!
    meh shit happens :)

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  42. I am currently completing Beverly Lewis "The Shunning" that I
    downloaded free recently payday loans in these areas, it's basically not a choice to believe there is not more to master.

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  43. And at least you got to cause terrible amusement to any passers-by or neighbours secretly watching your shovel/groin adventure.

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