Monday, July 12, 2010

Buy This Thing!

I've always had a terrible time sleeping.

I don't know why, though it may have something to do with the fact that I suck down Diet Coke like it's water. Most nights, I find myself curled up on the couch in front of the TV, watching infomercials. There's something oddly soothing about late-night paid advertisements, and they're always the same. My favorite part is the "before" scene, where everything is black and white and nobody has the basic motor skills required to operate simple household appliances.


And then, whatever magic appliance they're selling suddenly appears, and everything is right with the world.

"With the BLEND MASTER, you can say goodbye to messy kitchen accidents! Order right now and we'll throw in a free spatula! YOU WANT A GODDAMN SPATULA, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?"


Of course, since I have no self control, I must have whatever piece of crap they're selling. My tiny apartment is already overflowing with junk – it's just a matter of time before I end up on Hoarders and the cleanup crew discovers 40 dead cat skeletons underneath all the garbage – but hell if I don't need a Blend Master. I NEED A BLEND MASTER, DAMN IT.


So what if I only have $3.74 in my checking account? That's what credit cards are for. And if I'm paying for it with credit, I might as well spring for next day shipping, right? I have blending to do! My home is full of solid food, and that just won't do. If I can't suck my dinner through a straw then I don't want to eat at all!


For a couple days, I actually utilize my new blender regularly. I make fruit smoothies, a couple protein shakes – I might even grind up a Hot Pocket for easier consumption, because I'm disgusting like that. But before long, I lose interest in the machine and let it sit on the counter next to the sink, unwashed and full of sludge.

Now, I usually don't clean anything in my apartment until it starts to smell rancid enough that I wake up gagging from the stench, and usually at that point I just toss all my dirty dishes and buy a new set from Target. I figure if I threw down the big bucks for this blender thing, I should probably just man up and wash it, but blenders are tricky to clean by I just let it sit there, getting crustier and smellier, imagining at some point it will grow enough germs to become sentient and attack me.


Most likely, the lazy American in me will win out, and I'll end up just throwing away the whole thing rather than clean it.



  1. i watch late night infomercials too :)

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  2. haha impressive! maybe you should stay away from the infomercials that sell products that work with food. Just to avoid the smell, and waste of cash. Although, i bet that blended hot pocket was worth the $99.99 you spent... plus the shipping and handling.

  3. The whole reason I own a snuggie (purple with peace signs and a kangaroo pocket) is because of the infomercials. And the fact that my arms get cold when I change the channel.

  4. hey, i think all of your comics are great, and i get a big kick out of reading them. if you keep making them, i'll keep reading them

  5. my favorite black and white "before" scene is the one for that tooth paste dispenser. it's like old people and kids who just SUUUCK and getting paste out of a tube and their bathroom counters are covered in layers of white paste. And there's so much frustration! IF ONLY THIS WASN'T SO DIFFICULT!

  6. Giggled at the Hoarders comment. I'm addicted to that show, not so much infomercials. I watched an episode of Hoarders and then search the house for things I just know I NEED TO THROW OUT NOW so as to not BE a hoarder. Creeps me out.

  7. You should read the book Influence by Robert Cialdini. Maybe It'll help you not to fall for those commercials. Nice blog, great and fun illustrations.

  8. Story of my life...I'm convinced I am the female you.

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  10. This kind of reminds me of the beginning of Fight Club. If you start writing about your new friend Tyler I think it's cause for concern.

  11. i belieeeve what you're describing is a MAGIC BULLET!!! WOOO!!

  12. Welcome to my kitchen! I like blenders too but the cleaning is just too tedious for me.

  13. I love how you call yourself a lazy American and then the next illustration looks like it took 300x faster to draw and less detailed than the others. I saw what you did there! Just stumbled onto the blog, love the stories and illustrations. Been cracking up for the past hour instead of sleeping. Keep up the good work!

  14. Hahaha!!! I always want to buy anything that I see in the infomercials. They always seem so life changing and cool. Haha and my roommates and I are the same with our dishes...I found a cup full of what I think used to be milk on the counter today...We haven't had milk in about 4 days so I'm not sure where it came from. But anyways there are similar souls out there!

  15. yes. this is sad, indeed. however, we 'lazy Americans' have recently found a solution for those of us who like to cook, but hate the clean up. the amazing dish cleaning robot!!! (this can be yours today for only five payments of 19.95!)

  16. Started reading this at work.. we're very slow... couldn't stop laughing even after a customer came in - Love It!

  17. What! Did I reach the post where it all began. Made me cry a little when I tried to click on the "older posts" link and there was none. Ah well I'll probably start over.. Over and out from Finland!

  18. 1) Add water and dishwashing stuff to the blender
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