Buy This Thing!

I've always had a terrible time sleeping.

I don't know why, though it may have something to do with the fact that I suck down Diet Coke like it's water. Most nights, I find myself curled up on the couch in front of the TV, watching infomercials. There's something oddly soothing about late-night paid advertisements, and they're always the same. My favorite part is the "before" scene, where everything is black and white and nobody has the basic motor skills required to operate simple household appliances.

And then, whatever magic appliance they're selling suddenly appears, and everything is right with the world.

"With the BLEND MASTER, you can say goodbye to messy kitchen accidents! Order right now and we'll throw in a free spatula! YOU WANT A GODDAMN SPATULA, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?"

Of course, since I have no self control, I must have whatever piece of crap they're selling. My tiny apartment is already overflowing with junk – it's just a matter of time before I end up on Hoarders and the cleanup crew discovers 40 dead cat skeletons underneath all the garbage – but hell if I don't need a Blend Master. I NEED A BLEND MASTER, DAMN IT.

So what if I only have $3.74 in my checking account? That's what credit cards are for. And if I'm paying for it with credit, I might as well spring for next day shipping, right? I have blending to do! My home is full of solid food, and that just won't do. If I can't suck my dinner through a straw then I don't want to eat at all!

For a couple days, I actually utilize my new blender regularly. I make fruit smoothies, a couple protein shakes – I might even grind up a Hot Pocket for easier consumption, because I'm disgusting like that. But before long, I lose interest in the machine and let it sit on the counter next to the sink, unwashed and full of sludge.

Now, I usually don't clean anything in my apartment until it starts to smell rancid enough that I wake up gagging from the stench, and usually at that point I just toss all my dirty dishes and buy a new set from Target. I figure if I threw down the big bucks for this blender thing, I should probably just man up and wash it, but blenders are tricky to clean by hand...so I just let it sit there, getting crustier and smellier, imagining at some point it will grow enough germs to become sentient and attack me.

Most likely, the lazy American in me will win out, and I'll end up just throwing away the whole thing rather than clean it.