Monday, September 15, 2014

10 Reasons I'm Hecka Jazzed Fall Is Finally Here

Shut up, everyone, shut up. Summer if over. Bye, summer. I hate you. I'm super pumped for autumn and here's why.

1. I get to layer again.

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Fall is fantastic because I get to wear extra clothes and cover up that late-summer belly pooch I developed from too many swanky rooftop cocktail parties slurping vodka on Kristin's balcony while she suckles wine in her jammies and then tells me I need to leave at 10:45 PM because she has spinning in the morning.

Also, my weird tan lines will have a chance to fade in private.

2. Autumn means cozy midnight bonfires! ❤

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Whether I'm stealin' kisses with my boo on the beach or summoning the devil to do my vile bidding, a crackling bonfire makes it a night to remember!

Also, I love it when you sit too close to a bonfire and your jeans start to get really hot to the point of being almost unbearable, but you stay there and weather the pain because how do you know if you're really alive unless tears are streaming down your face due to sizzling denim and melting flesh?

3.The slow decay of Mother Nature is lovely to behold.

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Crunchy leaves sound so satisfying under my feet—the last vestigial cries of a a dying world. I'll sip my syrup-laden espresso drink, stare around me at the pallid sky and moribund treeline, and think, "This is so pinteresting." And then a homeless lady wrapped in a blanket will probably cough into my mouth.

4. Fall means Thanksgiving is close, which is great for one simple reason: turkey leftovers for WEEKS, BRUH. YAAAAAAASSSSSS.

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I actually sort of hate Thanksgiving. I'll inevitably consume an entire casserole dish of that sweet potato/marshmallow nonsense and spend the next 24 hours in agony, but the weeks following Thanksgiving are bliss because there's always an endless supply of cold, juicy leftover turkey.

With any luck, I’ll have enough turkey to last me through the cold, lonely winter, which is crucial, since it might be the only flesh my lips will touch until spring, when the hotties crawl back out of the sewers to begin a new mating season.

5. By last winter the mere sight of pumpkin spice anything revolted me, but enough time has passed that pumpkin is new and exciting again.

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(Side note: why exactly does everyone get fucking loony bin crazy for pumpkin spice every year, considering how little we eat real pumpkin? Has anyone ever eaten an actual pumpkin? Definitely not. Show me one person who ate a pumpkin and lived. Pumpkins are weird alien gourds and if lattes were made with real pumpkin, we’d all collectively vomit until dead.)

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6. It gets dark earlier in the fall, which sounds like a bummer, but it's not. I can start drinking with purpose at, like, 4 PM. Gone are the days of feeling guilty for getting drunk in broad daylight like I did all summer.

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Fun fact: daylight savings time was invented by drunk twenty-somethings who wanted an extra couple hours a day to get wrecked. Whatever you’ve heard about farmers needing more time to tend to crops is a lie.


7. Autumn is the best season for cooking shows. Our Lord and Savior Ina Garten will probably have entire episodes devoted to obscure squash.

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Here are my predictions for the landscape of cooking shows this fall:

Martha Stewart will decorate her entire studio space with tiny pumpkins, probably with googly eyes hot glued to them. She'll wear a witch hat in at least one episode.

Giada De Laurentiis will somehow manage to pronounce the word noodle with an Italian accent.

Clarissa Dickson Wright and Jennifer Paterson will rise from the dead to host a new show on BBC Two.

Paula Deen won’t do anything because she is dead to me.

8. No more reruns! All my favorite shows are returning, plus a plethora of new shows which will all be cancelled by November.

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Most likely, I will get hopelessly attached to a Jenna Elfman vehicle that will be cancelled after 13 episodes. It’ll be replaced midseason with a CSI spin off, which will run for eleven years.

9. All the emotional Oscar bait movies come out in Fall. I’ll get super excited, but in the end I’ll only see the one starring Sandra Bullock.

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By the time the Oscars roll around, I’ll lament that you’ve barely seen any of the nominated films, and yet somehow yI’ll still be able to accurately predict about 80% of the results. 90% if David O. Russell releases a movie with Jennifer Lawrence in it.

10. Autumn means early morning fog. I can pretend I'm in a Twilight novel! Or a Silent Hill game. Whichever.

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Both are equally romantic.